Polyamory: Lots of sex, even more scheduling

[lc69hunter]

Today's Wall Street Journal had a provocative article titled as above, and not surprisingly, given the audience of WSJ readers, did not allow comments. The under headline said that open relationships are having a moment. They of course interviewed several couples in polyamorous relationships, but went on to say that consensual non-monogamous relationships are now in the open, and talked about the issues, with family, inlaws, and related.

The article quoted a study from the Kinsey Institute (they didn't link the study, as I would have like to see the detail), that said that 22% of Americans have engaged in consensual non-monogamy (called ethical non-monogamy).

The Kinsey survey also said that an additional almost 33% have that fantasy and that 80% would act on that fantasy if given the chance.

One soon-to-be-published analysis of 26 studies found no differences in relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, commitment or relationship length between those who practice consensual non-monogamy and those who are monogamous, says Amy Moors, an assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, who is lead author on the study.
People tend to be more committed to their primary partners in terms of building a life together and have more sex and more sexual satisfaction with their secondary ones, says Rhonda Balzarini, an assistant professor of psychology at Texas State University and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, who has conducted research on this.

A funny comment from one of the those in a relationship. she said that some nights she sleeps with her husband in their room, and sometimes with the boyfriend in his room, but when she is sick of both, she sleeps in the guest room.

Your thoughts?

 

[Vitriolhack]

I don’t have access to the article, but, kuddos to them for printing a courageous article that deals with sexual habits of people.

Our societies built around the concept of a family between 2 people, but, is it enough? How many of us are very happy in our lives with our significant other, but, perhaps don’t feel quite fulfilled.

Is it that bad to have access to a third partner? Or have another couple whom to “play” with?

Seriously, can one partner fill every need we have? Mentally and Sexually?

If it’s between consenting adults, I do t see anything fundamentally wrong with Poly.

 

[mirafrida]

NYMag is not nearly as much of a starched collar publication as WSJ, but they had a big Polyamory Is A Thing article like a week ago. Must be having its media moment

 

[Bramblethorn]

IME, the "lots of sex" part isn't guaranteed, but damn right about the scheduling.

There are many ways to do polyamory. Not everybody divides partners into "primary" and "secondary", not everybody lives together, not every poly relationship is an "open" one. Overall, though, I think the differences between poly and monogamous relationships are smaller than a lot of folk might guess.

 

[Trionyx]

Don’t let the anonymous LW commenters see this thread.

 

[Devinter]

Seriously, can one partner fill every need we have? Mentally and Sexually?

Of course this occurs. The people I know from a generation or three above my own that seems the most content with their lives are the people who have been (happily) married for many years. That being said, from a mathematical viewpoint, it's going to be a lot harder to find just one person that fulfils everything you need, instead of finding one person who ticks some boxes and then a second person to tick some others. So I do not see anything wrong with polyamory either, although I'd never do it myself.

One soon-to-be-published analysis of 26 studies found no differences in relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, commitment or relationship length between those who practice consensual non-monogamy and those who are monogamous, says Amy Moors, an assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, who is lead author on the study.

This, however, is an issue. Amy Moors is what is known in the psychology sphere as an "agenda pusher" or "agenda farmer". These people essentially create study after study on extremely similar topics in order to minimize the amount of new work required, and thus to keep earning a paycheck with significantly less effort. These studies are almost always conducted in the most basic way of grabbing a bunch of college students, asking them really simple questions - often which you can only answer Yes or No to, and thus completely lacking depth - and there is also a huge amount of bias when you only focus on one group of people. The difference in answers that you'd get from only talking to students in California, versus white-collar workers in Texas for example, is extremely vast. She's the same woman that co-wrote the "dating during the pandemic" research that pretty much every psychologist in America (and some world-wide) slated. Basically her conclusion was that single people masturbated more. Who would have fuckin' guessed?

I completely believe that polyamorous relationships CAN work if everyone's into it and getting something out of it - but I would take any sort of number or research presented by Amy Moors with at least a few truckloads of salt.

 

[ronde]

IME, the "lots of sex" part isn't guaranteed, but damn right about the scheduling.

There are many ways to do polyamory. Not everybody divides partners into "primary" and "secondary", not everybody lives together, not every poly relationship is an "open" one. Overall, though, I think the differences between poly and monogamous relationships are smaller than a lot of folk might guess.

I don't believe sex is the real reason for polyamory relationships. Sex is there, of course, but the real drive is finding something different than your monogamous partner. The "work spouse" is a prime example of this. Two people in a "work spouse" relationship exhibit nearly he same behaviors as a married couple, just sans sex.

I'm sure this statement will infuriate those who want a cheating spouse put in stocks on the town square, but it's not a huge jump from a work spouse to a sex partner, especially if the work spouse seems to be missing that part of his or her life. Humans will seek out what they feel they need and will usually find a partner to fulfill that need. Some may become an open relationship, others kept secret with the resultant scheduling problem.

I think it takes some very special people to survive a polyamorous relationship where the people truly live together. It's difficult to believe that at some point jealousy won't rear it's ugly head, though such relationships have been common in Native Americans and in other parts of the world for centuries. They were a way for a woman who lost her husband for some reason to continue to live.

 

[MrPixel]

Overall, though, I think the differences between poly and monogamous relationships are smaller than a lot of folk might guess.

That's right. And that a poly situation might even be next door.

I had a poly "family" in my family tree. My mom's mom's younger brother (my great uncle) and his wife had a third, a guy. My vivid memory of "Capt'n Bob" was from the summer of 1967, with him taking my Uncle Paul and Aunt Ada, and my sister and I, out on his cabin cruiser in Chesapeake Bay to fish for flounder under the Bay Bridge. My immediate family lived in California and we were visiting grandparents in the Tidewater area; we were pre-teens at the time.

On that boat trip, Bob would help us with the fishing tackle and get us going, and I distinctly recall Bob and Ada excusing themselves to go "below" to the bunk area while Uncle Paul supervised sister and me. I obviously could not know then what the exact nature of the relationship was, but it was made clear much later in my adult (and married) life when I overheard Mom and Dad talking about Bob's passing, that he was to that day an integral part of my great uncle and aunt's life together. To my knowledge, they never lived together as a "threeple".

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Ah, the Grauniad had a positive poly article yesterday, too. Issue of the week, clearly.

Polyamory can work, and it'll be more likely if the people doing it don't have to concentrate on staying below the radar to avoid having kids taken away, etc. I've been in poly relationships for round 30 years now, the two main ones for over 25. Even my mother's stopped calling it a 'phase'

But yeah, lots of scheduling and we still only have 24 hours in a day. Helps with kids to have extra avuncular figure around a lot, but the main benefits are just reduced stress over who's doing what to whom when you're not there - I recall we had a party once, no kids in the house, got to the time when people wanted to go to (actual) sleep and were deciding who would sleep where.

Ran out of spare beds and sofas and spouse's girlfriend's bloke looked like he'd have to crash on the floor. I checked with them and confirmed the guy was totally trustworthy, wouldn't try it on in the night, and didn't snore. So he had a sleepover in my room, we chatted and got to know each other, and both slept well.

Technically there's no reason monogamous people couldn't do that, but they don't. Lack of trust, I imagine.

 

[AchtungNight]

Some of us remain unable to acquire even one relationship even when polyamory is accepted.

The polyamory in my stories is singles and married couples who enjoy playing around and swinging orgies on occasion. I’d love to find and join a community that welcomes me as such a single but there either aren’t any around here or their vetting process doesn’t suit my tastes. Or we have incompatible kinks or other issues. Oh well.

 

[Bramblethorn]

That's right. And that a poly situation might even be next door.

BrambleFriend: "I've heard about this polyamory thing but I don't know anybody who's polyamorous."
Me: "You know at least two people who are polyamorous."

- conversation I've had more than once.

It's not something I particularly try to hide, I'm fine telling people if they ask, but it's not something people often do ask and mostly they just assume.

 

[Bramblethorn]

But yeah, lots of scheduling and we still only have 24 hours in a day. Helps with kids to have extra avuncular figure around a lot, but the main benefits are just reduced stress over who's doing what to whom when you're not there

"How do you know she's not sleeping with somebody else when you're away?"

"Well she'd tell me. Why wouldn't she?"

Part of what I like about poly, most of the time, is not having to figure out where the line between "in a relationship" and "not in a relationship" lies. I'm good friends with my ex, we tell one another "I love you" now and then, and I don't have to worry about whether that's turning back into a Relationship or not because it wouldn't be a problem for my partner if it did.

 

[onehitwanda]

Had friends who were Poly. I always used to think that it was a massive cause of drama, wreckage, stress etc, but looking back with the wisdom of age I can now see the toxic individuals for who they were.

“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,/Than are dreamt of in your philosophy”

As in all things, if you're able to talk like adults it will probably be fine. I personally wouldn't have the energy for it, though. People exhaust me and I need my little walled garden.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

BrambleFriend: "I've heard about this polyamory thing but I don't know anybody who's polyamorous."
Me: "You know at least two people who are polyamorous."

- conversation I've had more than once.

It's not something I particularly try to hide, I'm fine telling people if they ask, but it's not something people often do ask and mostly they just assume.

It's amazing how often the college alumni magazine interviews some elderly alumnus or writes about them after death, and it turns out they had some interesting household arrangements. Researchers having a partner in the UK and another abroad, all above board, a couple and their 'friends' lodging with them...

We kept it more quiet when we had young kids, given one family's bad experience being reported to social services. But having a lodger or family member living with you isn't unusual, and having close family and friends visit regularly is even more common.

I remember going over to one chap's house and overhearing his stepson and friend (age 6) arguing:

Friend: My mum says it's a bit odd at your house because there's so many adults.
Kid: What? There's only mum, and dad, and stepdadsname and Uncle X. (Very polite voice) Does your mum find it difficult to count to four?

Same kid at 13: The problem with polyamorous parents is there's always someone around to tell you off.
Me: That's not polyamory love, that's you needing telling off so much they need to delegate! So, have you done your maths homework?
Kid: Grr. Oh, all right Kumquat, I'm going...

(Kid is a lovely man in his 30s, now)

 

[onehitwanda]

Does your mum find it difficult to count to four?

Oh my God, that boy owned his friend so hard the Admiralty had to update their maps of navigable waterways in the area.

(Kid is a lovely man in his 30s, now)

Amazing what a stable home environment can produce

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Oh my God, that boy owned his friend so hard the Admiralty had to update their maps of navigable waterways in the area.
Amazing what a stable home environment can produce

It was the total utter innocence of it that was so funny! If you know some of your classmates still can't count to 10 or read, it seems totally plausible.

I never planned to be poly growing up, but I did want a household with lots of people coming in and out, friends visiting, and all, not the kind of house where no-one other than nuclear family crosses the threshold except for maybe twice a year.

I blame my mother, who never understood UK slang and was trying to understand what 'going out with' someone means (ie are these teenagers having sex?) and explaining it as like dating didnt work because in her generation you can date one person one day and another person another day... Then at college I met a guy whose girlfriend had split up with him as she went for a year abroad. She returned, I got together with her, she left again a year later, me and him got together, so when she came back, there was an obvious solution.

Of course she then went abroad again and got together with this chap she wanted to be monogamous with. She introduced him to us, and we spent the whole evening complaining he wasn't good enough for her. She did ditch him, but has lived on the other side of the world ever since.

 

[NoTalentHack]

Don’t let the anonymous LW commenters see this thread.

 

[Vitriolhack]

Ah, the Grauniad had a positive poly article yesterday, too. Issue of the week, clearly.

Polyamory can work, and it'll be more likely if the people doing it don't have to concentrate on staying below the radar to avoid having kids taken away, etc. I've been in poly relationships for round 30 years now, the two main ones for over 25. Even my mother's stopped calling it a 'phase'

But yeah, lots of scheduling and we still only have 24 hours in a day. Helps with kids to have extra avuncular figure around a lot, but the main benefits are just reduced stress over who's doing what to whom when you're not there - I recall we had a party once, no kids in the house, got to the time when people wanted to go to (actual) sleep and were deciding who would sleep where.

Ran out of spare beds and sofas and spouse's girlfriend's bloke looked like he'd have to crash on the floor. I checked with them and confirmed the guy was totally trustworthy, wouldn't try it on in the night, and didn't snore. So he had a sleepover in my room, we chatted and got to know each other, and both slept well.

Technically there's no reason monogamous people couldn't do that, but they don't. Lack of trust, I imagine.

I agree that at times, mental stimulation can be satisfying.

I am not sure I would qualify that as poly though.

 

[Britva415]

wouldn't try it on in the night

Not familiar with that expression

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Not familiar with that expression

Wouldn't try it on?

The gentleman would not attempt sexual advances on me, either before or after I went to sleep.

Technically that's nothing to do with polyamory - except that you don't get halves of your trad monogamous couples sharing beds with friends. Thinking about it, poly often doesn't end up with that much PIV sex, given configurations of sexes and wanting to really ensure no-one gets pregnant who isn't intending to (or only by a particular person).

 

[SimonDoom]

Any recommendations for Literotica stories that you think depict a polyamory relationship especially well? I'm especially curious if there are stories that depict such a relationship's origin, or a person's first-time experience with it.

 

[lc69hunter]

Back on the original article, it was written by a woman from a woman's perspective (all the interviewees were women who had both a husband and a boyfriend/lover). I guess the story is maybe more salacious that way.
However, there are some very good polyamorous stories here on Lit that depict a wife bringing another woman (quite often a friend who has lost a mate) as a lover for both. I am close friends with a couple who did just that, and the three have been together for about ten years.

 

[TxRad]

That is the story of my life for the last five years or more.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Back on the original article, it was written by a woman from a woman's perspective (all the interviewees were women who had both a husband and a boyfriend/lover). I guess the story is maybe more salacious that way.
However, there are some very good polyamorous stories here on Lit that depict a wife bringing another woman (quite often a friend who has lost a mate) as a lover for both. I am close friends with a couple who did just that, and the three have been together for about ten years.

I think a lot of people are more comfortable with FMF than with MFM.

As far as three-person relationships go: IME, fictional polyamory tends to favour "triad" relationships where all three people are having sex with one another. I don't know if my RL experience is atypical, but I feel like "vee" relationships (A is sleeping with B, B is also sleeping with C, C isn't sleeping with A) are much more common than fiction might suggest. IME, even in triad relationships, it often ends up being two in bed at a time rather than constant threesomes.

 

[HordHolm]

Back on the original article, it was written by a woman from a woman's perspective (all the interviewees were women who had both a husband and a boyfriend/lover). I guess the story is maybe more salacious that way.
However, there are some very good polyamorous stories here on Lit that depict a wife bringing another woman (quite often a friend who has lost a mate) as a lover for both. I am close friends with a couple who did just that, and the three have been together for about ten years.

Funnily enough, my best viewed (and one of my best received) stories does just that. https://literotica.com/s/the-supplementary-wife