Poly Reltionship for Older Folk

[Jake1945]

My wife and I are both 70 and about 6 months ago at my urging, she started a relationship with another man. It was mostly about friendship and a shared passion but moved into an intimate relationship. She sees him once or twice a week with sex maybe once a week. It has worked well for all three of us so far. Now we are considering making it a semi live in situation. We live in Southern AZ and he lives in an RV. Our house has a pad for an RV and he has suggested renting the pad from us and basically living 20 feet from our kitchen door. While he would have his own space, I see him having meals with us and perhaps watching TV with Kate at night. She and I seldom watch the same things and they share common interest. Kate is a bit concerned about having two men around and how it would effect her personal time. I do not see that as a problem as he and I are both reasonable and not demanding. Plus Kate is not shy and very familiar with the word no. On the other hand, she does really enjoy his company and he has been giving her lessons in painting.

Does anyone have experience with a poly relationship? Advice or comments. I would especially appreciate any comments by older folk.

 

[Jake1945]

I have been posting some info on this relationship in the thread on men who like to talk about their wives but do not want to hijack that thread with this new development.

 

[stiv837]

I have been posting some info on this relationship in the thread on men who like to talk about their wives but do not want to hijack that thread with this new development.

I don't have any experience in this , but would love to hear more about yourss.

 

[VampirTARA]

Well first of all what you are talking about, Is not a polygamous relationship. A polygamous relationship all parties are married to each other as spouses . look up the definition, but I have been in a polygamist marriage for 22 years, I have two other sister wives Toni & Kathy All three of us Are married to the same man.

 

[chargergirl]

Well first of all what you are talking about, Is not a polygamous relationship. A polygamous relationship all parties are married to each other as spouses . look up the definition, but I have been in a polygamist marriage for 22 years, I have two other sister wives Toni & Kathy All three of us Are married to the same man.

He may very well be talking about a polyamorous relationship, not a polygamous one.

 

[Jake1945]

I understand that I may not be using the correct terminology but was not sure how else to categorize it. It would not be a marriage and would not have any legal standing but would involve a third person semi living with us and participating in our life. It would be more than Kate having a BF but less than having a second husband. Is there a better term for this?

 

[chargergirl]

I understand that I may not be using the correct terminology but was not sure how else to categorize it. It would not be a marriage and would not have any legal standing but would involve a third person semi living with us and participating in our life. It would be more than Kate having a BF but less than having a second husband. Is there a better term for this?

That's more like polyamory.

 

[Clem99]

Well first of all what you are talking about, Is not a polygamous relationship. A polygamous relationship all parties are married to each other as spouses . look up the definition, but I have been in a polygamist marriage for 22 years, I have two other sister wives Toni & Kathy All three of us Are married to the same man.

The dude came here for advice, not to be judged on semantics.

 

[Sigmund7]

Jake - I, for one, would like to hear what happens with your relationship(s). As a child of the 60s myself I've often thought that the best way to grow old would be in a community of free spirited individuals who shared chores, meals, and sex without particular regard t legal entanglements. It's a tough thing to do because romance gets in the way of the practical aspects but I think it might work better with older individuals where it is less likely that people are going to run off to have a life together.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[mtdan]

The dude came here for advice, not to be judged on semantics.

ditto !!!

 

[IARainman]

Seems to me, that success of the arrangement, no matter what it gets labeled, could hinge on you two men, and how you get along. Obviously she likes both of you. Do you like him?

 

[VampirTARA]

Multiple partner relationships do work, in my experience all partners must be comfortable with each other and get along. The hardest part is going to be Overcoming jealousy, the financial , sleeping and sexual arrangements aspects of the relationship pluse of course who is going to be the dominant one. see with polygamous the first wife is the leader the alpha female or in other words seniority. with males they have a tendency to want to be the alpha, so most likely in your situation your wife is going to decide which one of you are the alpha. the question you must ask yourself is if she chooses you are not the alpha male in the relationship can you deal with that.

 

[peterthelicker]

I have no experience in this situation, but your wife's concern of "not being smothered" needs to be addressed thoroughly I would think before any RV moving takes place.

 

[Justfantasies]

I just wanted to congratulate you on exploring new avenues at this stage in your life.

I think you must all be very interesting people

 

[Jake1945]

Jake - I, for one, would like to hear what happens with your relationship(s). As a child of the 60s myself I've often thought that the best way to grow old would be in a community of free spirited individuals who shared chores, meals, and sex without particular regard t legal entanglements. It's a tough thing to do because romance gets in the way of the practical aspects but I think it might work better with older individuals where it is less likely that people are going to run off to have a life together.

Just my 2 cents.

I too think that many elderly would benefit from group living. Having dealt with a parent that refused to leave an 8 room home and spent the last 10 years of their life with very little social contact. This is not exactly group living but it does move in that direction.

 

[Jake1945]

Seems to me, that success of the arrangement, no matter what it gets labeled, could hinge on you two men, and how you get along. Obviously she likes both of you. Do you like him?

I agree. We have to be comfortable and be willing to share the love of a good woman. We have not spent a lot of time together but enough that I am comfortable with him. We are quite different in that I tend to be quiet and introspective while he is more outgoing with a bit of blarney. Kate indicates that he is more romantic which I don't doubt. He seems to be easy going and laid back as I think I am and we share a quirky sense of humor. I do not think we will have any trouble getting along and sharing.

 

[Jake1945]

Multiple partner relationships do work, in my experience all partners must be comfortable with each other and get along. The hardest part is going to be Overcoming jealousy, the financial , sleeping and sexual arrangements aspects of the relationship pluse of course who is going to be the dominant one. see with polygamous the first wife is the leader the alpha female or in other words seniority. with males they have a tendency to want to be the alpha, so most likely in your situation your wife is going to decide which one of you are the alpha. the question you must ask yourself is if she chooses you are not the alpha male in the relationship can you deal with that.

At 70 I do not have the energy to be alpha so he can have that title if he wants. In reality the relationship will be led by an alpha female. Hopefully she will go easy on us. LOL

 

[Jake1945]

I have no experience in this situation, but your wife's concern of "not being smothered" needs to be addressed thoroughly I would think before any RV moving takes place.

We are discussing this and do not believe it will be a problem for me. She will need to discuss it with him as well. We will each have our own space and it is not like she needs to take care of us. Even now I do most of the cooking and a share of the household chores.

 

[Jake1945]

I just wanted to congratulate you on exploring new avenues at this stage in your life.

I think you must all be very interesting people

I think our parents are responsible for our being willing to try new things. Both Kate and I have said "please shoot me if I get like that when I am old". As we age we can not do everything that we used to but enjoy what you can do and have fun. Be willing to try some new things and do not get stuck in a rut. I see too many people my age kind of just sitting there and waiting for the end.

I think older people have some advantages in branching out sexually. Pregnancy is not an issue, kids are grown and gone (mostly) and while sex is still fun, it is not the big deal as when we were younger.

 

[screwher]

I just wanted to congratulate you on exploring new avenues at this stage in your life.

I think you must all be very interesting people

I second this. Congrats on this new lifestyle. I must admit I'm no where near your ages and I'm green with envy. I'd love for my wife to take a lover who visits our house once a week spending the night with her in our bed.

 

[Jake1945]

Kate and I have been talking a great deal about having Will move his RV to our RV pad. No decision yet but I think she is leaning to do it as long as I am OK with it. She thinks that she could easily spend more time with him than me since I like to watch sports and she does not and they share the interest in art. I do not see a problem with that. At least during football season and the basketball season. LOL Kate is a great organizer and is already working on schedule and rules. Basically I would get her on our traditional Fri night and Will could pick a day that he would like. Other than that it would depend on her desires.

 

[Jake1945]

We have also talked a great deal about sex. She claims that I am as good a lover as Will but he is more romantic. As for all having sex together she is not sure she could handle that but will continue to think about it. Having me sit and watch just seems so weird to her. Obviously she does not understand us voyeurs. She thought that perhaps it might be OK if the door was left open a bit and I peeked in without disturbing her at all. These talks have been great and she has been on the phone with Will quite a bit. I tend to think this may happen and I think it can be good for all of us.

 

[keitht6]

We have also talked a great deal about sex. She claims that I am as good a lover as Will but he is more romantic. As for all having sex together she is not sure she could handle that but will continue to think about it. Having me sit and watch just seems so weird to her. Obviously she does not understand us voyeurs. She thought that perhaps it might be OK if the door was left open a bit and I peeked in without disturbing her at all. These talks have been great and she has been on the phone with Will quite a bit. I tend to think this may happen and I think it can be good for all of us.

speaking for myself I think that being outside the bedroom listening or peeping thru the cracked door would be my favorite way..

 

[Justfantasies]

I think our parents are responsible for our being willing to try new things. Both Kate and I have said "please shoot me if I get like that when I am old". As we age we can not do everything that we used to but enjoy what you can do and have fun. Be willing to try some new things and do not get stuck in a rut. I see too many people my age kind of just sitting there and waiting for the end.

I think older people have some advantages in branching out sexually. Pregnancy is not an issue, kids are grown and gone (mostly) and while sex is still fun, it is not the big deal as when we were younger.

In fact, by the time you reach a certain age, you might be actively seeking new things to try -- and are a lot less judgmental

 

[pplwatching]

Romantically, from what you've written it doesn't seem like you have spent enough time with this man to develop your own intuition about him. It seems prudent to protect your marriage from a wolf in sheep's clothes. In your shoes I would want to know how he feels about you? What kind of relationship does he really want with your wife? Does he see you as competition for her affection? Is he financially stable? Does he use drugs? Is he having sex with other women and exposing your wife to STDs? If this arrangement takes a toll on your relationship with your wife, will he step aside or capitalize on the situation? Is he willing to put your needs before his? Is he really okay sharing her affections with you, or is he a sweet talker with his own agenda?

Romantic entanglements aside, do your local zoning ordinances permit you to have tenant in an RV? If he's paying rent, what sort of legal obligation will you have if things go bad but he doesn't want to leave?