Pokemon... gotta kill them all!

[Neale]

Okay, inspired by the hilarious fate of Bratney Spurs in a recent thread... )), I'm starting a brand new Pokemon thread!

The setup is very simple: You are a Pokemon hunter, sorta like those annoying children. The only difference is that you hunt them to kill them in the most creative fashions possible! Points given for quantity killed, creativity of death dealt, degree of pain inflicted, with bonus points given for creative corpse usages!

The winner, after one week's worth of posting, gets the honor of killing the most infamous of all Pokemon: Pikachu!

[Until then, Pikachu is off-limits, sorry!]

 

[Ravenloft]

slASH:

Those foolishly vain jigglypuffs... Tell them that your setting up a concert for them to sing at and they all come running... How wonderfully deliscious their deaths will be!!! I'd set their microphones to electrocute them the moment they touched them... I was counting on them being so vain that even after seeing their bretheren turn to steaming piles of cooked flesh they would still rush up for their chance!

With cotton stuffed in my ears and a pair of clapping gloves I sat back and waited.

 

[Neale]

LOL

Our first contestant, the reknowned master of mayhem, Ravenloft, has slaughtered a fine collection of absurd creatures! Who will be next?

 

[poohlive]

The smell, the incessant smell is what drove him. In a million lifetimes around the world, he couldn't never get rid of the smell. It was on his clothes, under his skin, inside his fingernails. It drove him, it lunged at him. The smell confined him to a lifetime of pursuit.
He liked the cute ones the best. They were always the best. His personal favorite was the Eevee, such a cute and simple creature. In meadows and grassy areas they could be seen, playing around, playing with each other, and just doing the cutest things imaginable. He always placed out food behind his home in the countryside. Special pokemon vittles, and just the things needed for vibrant young Eevee's growing up in the world today.
The days had become long and hot. In the summer time each of the twenty or so Eevee's whom he called his own would daily come down for food. He always had an extra scoop or two for those who were just not full enough. They were becoming a bit pudgy around the midsection, but it did no bother to him. The fatter the cuter, it seemed. His plastered smile always made those little things come closer... yes that's it closer. He reached his hand down.
He petted them each, one at a time. Their coats were fine and furry, perfect from all the food they have been eating. Some of it good, most of it just food enough for them to have. An occasional vulpix would enter the feeding frenzy as well. When it began to turn really hot, he opened his house. the cold air swept outside, the air conditioner on full blast. Eevees and Vulpix's alike would rush to get inside, searching for a way out of the heat. He always let them come, ever smiling, ever feeding them. They needed so much love when they were so cute.
Summer was coming near an end, but the 34 Eevee's and 6 Vulpix's did not want to leave. With food, shelter and water provided for them daily, they were more then contempt at staying with him. He would always please them. Each day he had to leave for work, but he would come back in the evenings, and feed and pet his little friends. Neighborhood kids asked for a few at times, but he would pester them away. They were his, all his.
Then, just before the first frost was going hit, he made all of the Eevee's and Vulpix's beds. They were suited on racks and things inside a closed off room in his house. It wasn't particularly warm or cold, but then again... it wasn't plugged in.
He waited, until the last Eevee had it's stomach full. She then made her way inside to her little sleeping area. He smiled at them all.
"Goodnight, my little darlings," he closed and locked the door. Maybe some got upset, others simply frightened, he had never closed the door before, but most just went to sleep, hoping for tomorrow when the food would come again.
Then, he plugged it in. The large freezer whirred to life. Inside however, it was nothing more than a murmur. He watched through the little window as cold air began circulating through. It was still going to be a while before any of them noticed. He turned the dial to the extent of it's coldness. After that, he went to sleep.
In the morning, the glorious morning he looked through the window. They were all frozen, every last one. He quickly went inside. Such fat and cute little creatures, their faces distorted to inhuman screams. He petted them, one by one, and brought them out to his shed.
There a huge furnace was working overtime. He placed each one on a long wooden table, almost not able to fit them all. The frozen bodies warmed up, and eventually became somewhat normal. Their fur wasn't cute anymore, and neither was the smell which began to accumulate after about two days. Then it was time. He went inside, a butcher knife in hand. His smile however, was still the same, always looking for the next cute one. He grabbed an Eevee, and laid him down on a cutting board. He skinned, and gutted the thing, still speaking to it, as if it were alive. With the meat, he cut up, into several different kinds, and placed them each inside the freezer again. This time on their appropiate racks. He did this with great passion, every single pokemon got his special attention. In the wee hours of the morning, he had finally finished. The freezer was once again full of wonderous meat, and his new wardrobe was finally made. He had a seamstress who didn't ask many questions make it for him. Shirts, pants, boots, hats, and even some Vulpix underwear. Such a time to be alive.
He went back to work one day with a huge van. The restaurant owner smiled at him warmly.
"Is this the new meat you promised us?"
He smiled, of course it was. He had several people help him place it into the restaurant's freezer. Then, he set off himself, creating several different dishes with the meat. It would always come back with fine reviews. People loved his steak, , revelled in his filet, enjoyed his hamburgers, which he always called Eevburgers in his head. A food critic gave him high appraisal, calling his cooking, "the best I've tasted in a long time." He simply smiled and welcomed the gratitude.
All through the winter the restaraunt used the meat. Delicious new dishes were created, each bringing out the new meats flavor. Such tender and tasty vittles. No one asked what it was, they simply ate and thanked him on such a fine meal.
Then, before he had noticed, it was spring again. Springtime, the sun began to warm the earth, the flowers started to sprout out. Even the trees bloomed. The meat was all gone, but it didn't bother him much, he knew nothing good lasted forever... besides.
He through some food onto the ground. Two small Eevee pups looked at it warningly. He simply smiled and urged them on. One took a bite, and, finding it pleasing in his mouth, took another and another. The other one, seeing his brother liked it so much, ran up and joined him. He couldn't help but have a tear come to his eye. They were so cute when they were young. He tossed another helping of food out to them.
(I always wondered what Pikachu would taste like, perhaps chicken...)

 

[Ravenloft]

OOC: I don't know weather to laugh, cry... Or run away Pooh...

slASH:

Walking back to his van, slASH smiled to himself as the smell of cooked puff's filled his lungs. "Mighty fine..." He chuckled to himself as he hopped into the van. In the back, the van was a highly technological prison for a mewtwo he had stolen from the lab he used to work for. No doubt they were after their prize experiment but slASH had learned how to use the fucker to his ends. At the push of a button, he could give the mewtwo a lethal injection, so it would listen to what he commanded or die. And the tin foil slASH wore on his head seemed more than enough to keep the fucker from using its mental powers on him. "Okay, fuck nut! Find me the next batch of victem's, NOW!" The mewtwo stirred. It had helped him kill so many of the foul, cutesy wutesy things already that its soul, whatever was left of it had to be empty of any redeemable qualities, surely its soul was as black as slASH's own!

A flickery image formed in the air between them. "A man feeding Evee's?! How quaint... Lead the way, bitch! We have some work to do. If there's anything I hate more than pokemon, its pokemon simpatizers!!! They're the hardest to convert!" the mewtwo moved around in agitation in its liquid stasis chamber. "What is it now?!" slASH grumbled.

Another image appeared in the air. This one was of the man butchering the disgustingly cute dogs. A wicked smile crossed slASH's lips. "A kindred!" He breathed, hardly believing his eyes. "Take us to him NOW!!!" slASH barked, and in responce the van started up of its own volition and took off, no doubt the mewtwo was driving them to the kindred soul...

 

[Always]

PsychoShil

The innocent and cute looking little girl danced down the street, hundreds of Pokemon from every city she'd passed through trailing behind her.

"I've got Charmeleons and Bulbasaurs and Squirtles galore; of Eevees and Togepis and Psyducks and more! Come one, come all, and watch them all die; each one another's own power will FRY!!!!" the girl sang happily, the Pokemon following blissfully ignorant behind her.

She led them all to her home, where she separated each type of pokemon, sending each species to a different portion of a room. She then flicked a set of switches on the wall, causing each pokemon to see its favorite food - which was actually the other pokemon most suspectible to its attack.

The Charmeleons visciously and hungrily fried the Squirtles, who were trying to eat the Eevees, who were crunching Bulbasaurs, and so on, all around the circle.

after the bloody devastation stopped she walked around the room, grinding out the brains of any surviving pokemon with her five-inch-black-spike-heels as she surveyed the destruction.

finally she sat down and sewed the the five thousand bloody pelts together in a huge flag reading POKEMON MUST DIE!!! and hung it from the side of the Sears Tower.

(heh eheh heh... i spent waaaaayy too much time on this)

 

[poohlive]

Ooc: I understand exactly what you mean Ravenloft. I wanted it to be funny, but somehow it came out sad, or demeanted, probably both.

Spring had once again hit full bloom. The flowers outside danced in their juices. A new batch of pokemon were out and about, he fed them all daily. There were more this year, not just Eevee's and Vulpix's either. There were diglett's and weepingbell's and cubone's. He even had a Tauros come down to eat from time to time. An ever pleasent smile rose from his lips. He loved them all equally, and in turn they all loved him.
Summer would come soon enough.
One day a van pulled into the driveway. This was odd, he was a loner, hardly anyone came to visit him. He had no family, no friends, even his neighbors only talked to him on the phone. This was very odd indeed.
He tossed the last bit of food on the ground and walked up to the van. Might as well be forward and get this overwith, he had more pokemon to feed.

 

[Neale]

A true competition is shaping up here, sports fans!

Ooh... nice poetry! Bonus points go to the lovely lady who slays within meter and measure!
Bonus points are being considered for the spooky "Gotta Eat 'em All" entry from poohlive. As is counseling and intensive therapy.

 

[Ravenloft]

slASH:

Hopping out of the van and walking toward the man who was feeding the blasted pokemon, slASH called out to him. "Hello there! My name is slASH! You may have heard of me, I am the world renouned Pokemon assassin! It has recently come to my attention that you share a like mindedness about the nature with which to treat these foul creatures! I have come to offer you a place in my organization!"

 

[poohlive]

Ooc: Come on, who else doesn't lay awake at night planning how to kill pokemon if they ever find their way into this dimension... anybody?

anybody....

Foul? He loved his pokemon. Never a day went by that he didn't treat them with respect and admiration. They were his precious jewels, the reason for life.
A place in his organization?
"Would I get to feed other pokemon?" All he got were common kind, those that in this world were all too many. Maybe he could get rare pokemon. The kinds of pokemon he dreamed about at night. He would dream of pikachu pot roast, and charmander under glass. Gourmet dishes like Ponyta fricasee, golbat goulash, and the ever famous venasaur venison surprise.
His eyes sparkled.
Yes, yes he would take the job. His pokemon would become his life, his new life. He couldn't wait for the new smells.

 

[Ravenloft]

slASH:

Slightly taken aback by this fellow's seeming love for his pokemon feeding. "Uh... You still intend to kill them in the end right?" slASH blinked. It dawned on him that this one was even more twisted than even himself!

 

[Always]

Singing and dancing the girl skips past the man feeding pokemon. sh stops to admire and pet many of them and as she resumes skipping and dancing and singing most of them follow her.

"Come, little cuties, the time's come to go
Through each and every one of you
Your own power will flow!
Your faces frozen in wretched screams
The kind that makes me have such sweet dreams!"

the song reaches the ears of the two men as the girl leads all but two or three pokemon away, to the special arena she's devised to get them to do something reeaaaally sick.

(oooh just wwait til you see this one)

 

[poohlive]

"Kill?" He was almost shocked at the man. To think that he would actual want to harm such creatures.
"I do not want to kill anything. I simply want to enlighten them."
Death without pain wasn't death, it was enlightenment, in the true meaning of the word.
He watched the little girl run down the street with his pokemon. Smiling at her, he looked back at the man.
"Where shall we begin?"

 

[Ravenloft]

slASH:

"Well... With my trusty Mewtwo... Er... Pokemon detector... We can root out nearly any of the furry freaks in the surrounding area's... What do you say. Wanna give it a try, see how well it er... Suits you?" Enlightenment? slASH thought. This guy was seriously sick and he didn't even know it! Egad! What HAD he gotten himself into?!

 

[poohlive]

"Good," he said, clapping his hands together, "Then we've both got work to do."
He walked into his shed, picking out certain measuremtns, so much to do, so much to do, and so little time. He needed cages... no cages were too cramped. A corral, yes, a nice big corral. Beautiful, and a nice coop, for bird pokemon. He loved the bird kind, every time they flew over he wanted to feed them and pet them and... and...
and enlighten them.
He walked back out, not really paying attention, just walking around the back yard, pacing out certain dimensions.
"I am going to go to the store for supplies. I have so much to do and so little time. I need some butterfree's, some spearow, a fearow, cubone's, charmander's, meowth's, diglett's, pigdey's, growlith's, nidorna's, both male and female, a few paras', some exeggcute... no better make it a lot of those. I love the exeggcutes.
"We also need some caterpie's, and bellsprout's, and a bulbasaur, lots of rattata's a few doduo's, a farfetch'd if you can find one, machop's, and if there's time a manky or two."
He got into his car and backed up to the man.
"You got all that?"
Without an answer he drove off to the store. So much to do, he couldn't be lolly gagging around with little details.

 

[Neale]

And the winner is...

Going to be announced as soon as Shila posts that quite promising scene she'd hinted at in her last post.

The main man, the heroic yellow bastard with the limited vocabulary himself, Pikachu, lies before you, staked out and tied down. All we need now is to determine a winner...

I'm trying not to wimp out on the judgement end... but you are all so nicely evil towards the beasts...

I'm afraid not to give the cup to poohlive, due to his seriously demented plans...

Ravenloft (sLash) has done an amazing job, as well. Extremely creative, if not quite as creepy...

It remains to be seen, however, just what the wickedly lovely Lady Shila has in store...

I can hardly wait!

 

[Ravenloft]

slASH:

"Uh... Yeah... I got it." It was a lie, all he could think was. "This guy is fucking nuts! ...But in that good way!" At least he kills pokemon... No, wait, he "enlightens them..." Seemed kinda Dahlmeresque to him, but whatever works for the individual... Looking back inside his van, slASH nodded to his Mewtwo. The fucking thing was such a wonderful multi-purpose tool! It should be searching outward for everything this nut job had rattled off. If there were any within about a five mile range, they would know about it and be able to track them down... With Mewtwo's help of course.

 

[Neale]

Well...

Since it looks like Shila has vanished from the world of Lit, the decision comes down to one between poohlive and Ravenloft...

The runner-up is... Ravenloft!


Let us now congratulate our winner, chosen by all judges with an average score of 9.8, poohlive!


(Now, please don't do anything weird to us... scary, scary posts...)


Pikachu is all yours, you evil, twisted, sick kinda o' hero of mine!

 

[poohlive]

OMG. Thank you, I think. This is actually one award I wasn't extremely happy about winning. I mean I am grateful that I did win, but I would have rather had something a little more p.c. to appease myself on.
As for pikachu. There is going to be a Pikaque... everyone is invited. I will post it the beginning of next week. I want a chane to collect my thoughts, if I am going to go all out on this, I might as well do it right.

 

[Ravenloft]

Congradulations Pooh! No one can play a pokemon serial killer as well as you!

 

[LAVA GODDESSS]

um....

yeesh, not even going to attempt