Pointless Meanderings!!!!

[APhil]

~~~94 POINTLESS FACTS~~~

1. It's not easy to take over the world with a cucumber.

2. Trees are not food.

3. Whenever you are walking on a turtle, wear a helmet.

4. Swimming in a pool is good exercise; swimming in Jell-O is tasty.

5. No matter what people tell you, you are NOT a cream puff.

6. When someone is drowning, don't give him or her French fries.

7. When In doubt, shave the cat.

8. Smoking is hazardous to your health, and so are anvils.

9. If you are faced by a stampede of elephants, try not to look like a peanut.

10. If you want to call a Ring-tailed Lemur, don't just say, "HEY LEMUR!"

11. Don't eat the family pet.

12. Logs are our friends.

13. Don't pick a fight with a sweater.

14. Even if a person is named Fudge, they still won't taste good.

15. When in a pig calling contest, It doesn't help to bring a phone.

16. Not everyone likes mud the way you do. Don't put it on other people's plates.

17. Don't take other people's belly cheese, especially when they are fond of it.

18. Cats don't need watering.

19. People have no use for Pizza shavers.

20. If you need help, don't ask your Hobo.

21. Don't go to school for the sole purpose of making fish.

22. Don't give Dogs fleas, and vice-versa.

23. "Road kill" Is a bad name for a Hamster.

24. Don't sit up all night at a sleepover saying "My dog died" when he didn't.

25. Going to the bathroom is not good in a car.

26. Fish don't need toothpaste.

27. You don't need a wheel to find a dog.

28. If you have a pet alligator, don't call him "Mr. Suitcase".

29. It is not necessary to be friendly to soup.

30. Belly cheese won't kill you in your sleep.

31. Fire Hydrants make good pets.

32. When you go rock hunting, don't bring a gun.

33. The Internet is not a toy. It's not a plushy either.

34. When in Rome, speak Italian.

35. Not everyone needs a car baker.

36. Never trust anyone that wants to kill your asparagus.

37. You cannot grow belly cheese on mars.

38. No matter what people say, there isn't a planet called "lunch".

39. It is impossible to be strangled by a book.

40. Jumping off of roofs is a great way to start the day.

41. Cats will never live in a beach ball.

42. When a guy asks for your wallet, don't give him your potato.

43. Cats need water, cabinets don't.

44. Greeting someone by eating his or her hat is FUN.

45. A carrot is not a good weapon.

46. Cows will never need a towel.

47. When you're swimming, don't carry an extension cord.

48. It is unlikely you ever will get the Moon's autograph.

49. No matter how appealing it may be, don't dance with a tree.

50. Pointlessness is tasty.

51. No matter how interesting, people will never want to see your pizza cutter.

52. When going on your first date, don't give the girl a bouquet of salami.

53. Belly Cheese Pizza will simply never catch on.

54. One can never have too much gas.

55. Toads will never hurt you.

56. The government never wanted to take your bookmark.

57. Eating forks does not help you grow hair.

58. Do not stuff turkey with marshmallows.

59. Paper plates make good boats.

60. Don't play baseball in restaurants.

61. Chickens don't need hockey pucks.

62. Squirrels don't want you to go to the zoo and free the kangaroos.

63. That tree isn't trying to kill you.

64. Cow licking is a GREAT way of getting exercise, and very tasty.

65. Rocks never need watering.

66. Cheese is the world's greatest resource.

67. Logs have never and will never be a good source of protein.

68. Belly cheese cannot grow and take over the world.

69. Catsup is not a viable means of transportation.

70. Tofu never did anything to harm you.

71. That tree isn't trying to kill your belly cheese, either.

72. You don't impress your new teacher by saying, "You're a pretty, pretty teacher, yes you are."

73. Puppet shows are nothing but people with cloth on their hands, not evil space aliens planning a world-takeover.

74. "Why I like Skinned Knees" ISN'T a good name for a book.

75. Pointlessness won't entertain belly cheese.

76. Fortune cookies aren't really alive, unless they're very, very old.

77. "Free puppies" usually means they want someone to help the puppies escape.

78. Many people are entertained by gerbils.

79. Don't tell a lie, unless the squid men want you to.

80. Fish-shaped suitcases are ALWAYS funny.

81. People would feel differently about cutting down trees if they could scream, that is, unless they always screamed for no good reason.

82. Putting your hamster in the microwave won't teach it French.

83. Rocks don't care about people. You'll have to do it yourself.

84. Always go to limbo over picking the umbrella.

85. I doubt you will ever lay eggs.

86. "Going to see the wizard" won't get out out of Spanish class.

87. Girls don't like being called Vulcans.

88. Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy submarines.

89. If you don't know what it is, it's a good idea not to touch it.

90. It's a safe bet that when you're trapped on a desert island, you don't want to see how far you can throw all the useful stuff into the active volcano.

91. It's your own fault when the potatoes suck your blood.

92. Maybe if you stopped hanging out at Chuck E. Cheese's you could have a real girlfriend.

93. Asking me for "Blazing saddles" will probably result in a lot of frightened horses.

94. Just because it has "Made In China" on it doesn't mean they used it to escape to America.

 

[APhil]

~~~73 THINGS PEOPLE WILL NEVER SAY IN REAL LIFE~~~

1. "DON'T EAT THE STINKY CHEESE!"

2. "Hey, want to go to the Girl's locker room and play Poker?"

3. "Hey, I am not a drinking fountain!"

4. "SPOO!!!"

5. "Get away from my belly cheese!"

6. "Oh, look what the little monkey left in my shoe."

7. "How come the printer is foaming out moldy cheese?"

8. "Disc men do not make good toilet seats, so don't go in there!"

9. "Hey! those moldy hot dogs are mine!"

10. "Why is that M&M throwing a baseball at me?"

11. "Why is there liquid hotdogs in the refrigerator?"

12. "There no place like the outhouse, after Uncle Bill went in it!"

13. "Pudding baths aren't good for your skin, so put all those boxes back!"

14. "Get your dog away from my jellyfish!"

15. "Get that tree trunk out of your nose."

16. "I like to sniff moldy cheese, at night, with my dog, while playing Clue."

17. "Why is there a comet laughing at my cat."

18. "My belly button isn't a toilet, so get off me."

19. "Get those earphones off my fish!"

20. "Stop chopping that Christmas tree with my butcher knife, it's July anyway!"

21. "I wonder why the United States is glowing?

22. "Bow before the great glowing hamster, fool!"

23. "You shouldn't play basketball in your underwear, it would be to small for enough people to fit in it anyway."

24. "Will you stop licking my pet rock."

25. "That's my toothbrush, not a lawn mower."

26. "Your ear wax collection is NO place for a bumblebee.."

27. "Get that Christmas ornament out of your nose."

28. "Stop plugging your earphones into my gerbil."

29. "Your pet rock just went through my sleeve."

30. "I hate it when squirrels fall through my roof."

31. "Stop flicking semis at me."

32. "That kangaroo ate my boxers."

33. "You cannot use a mouse your cat found for your computer, Billy."

34. "I just saw a yellow flying cow pile."

35. "I wish they'd stop dumping toxic waste into my hot tub."

36. "Stop flicking your mouse."

37. "You're a pretty pretty teacher, yes you are, OH yes you are!.'"

38. "You might want to delete my eye infection."

39. "What? You flicked you mouse again!?!"

40. "You got to stop letting your computer decorate the Christmas tree."

41. "Stop making disgusting noises with my pump and parts of your body."

42. "Boogers do not make good floppy disks, they don't make good ropes either."

43. "Telephone wires don't make good trampolines, so get off that pole."

44. "Make your legs stop whining."

45. "Chairs don't make good roller coasters, unless you fall backwards in them."

45. "Parachutes are not to be used as swimming pools, so stop bothering me."

46. "Flags do make good shopping carts, so put it back or the manager will get mad."

47. "Stop trying to pump you nose up with that thing."

48. "Stop trying to pump my mud man up."

49. "That is not what a pump is for, Jimbo."

50. "Why do people keep thinking my hair is a muskrat nest?"

51. "BOOGLE MOO!"

52. "Captain! Those aren't your Tribbles!"

53. "Since when do monkeys get all the presents?"

54. "Haha! My grandma sure is funny when she falls down the stairs!"

55. "Gosh darn it, when I say 'Stop stealing my organs', I really mean it!"

56. "Your farts sound like an annoying little dog."

57. "I'm a Danish! Eat me!"

58. "Go away, you Bearded Mexican!"

59. "I spent my entire freshman year chasing an invisible flying hot dog!!!"

60. "What did you say? I was in limbo."

61. "That's one small step for man, and I'm gay."

62. "I tried to give him mouth to mouth, but he kept on getting up and walking away!"

62. "That reminds me of a stomach full of digested rats!"

63. "I'm sorry, sir, but my nasal cavity is simply out of control today."

64. "Ahoy! My bathtub is on seventeenth avenue!"

65. "Which way to the Omega Flare?"

66. "My pride isn't just a bunch of silly lions in Africa, you know!"

67. "Dance with me! Dance, my pretty pretty mud pile!"

68. "Well how was I supposed to know she was going to catch fire like that?"

69. "I can't believe you forgot to pick up some Toe Crispies at the store."

70. "Well, at least when the Earth explodes it'll solve that Martian problem."

71. "I can't help the fact that when women see me the dance the funky chicken!"

72. "It'll be purple and orange and have thirteen tentacles that it uses to crush it's enemies. Oh yes, and choosing it gives you an ear infection."

73. "After this whole Jay Leno/Pauly Shore/Mud wrestling crisis is over, I expect you all to return to your boxes, you hear?"

 

[perks]

HAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I loved em.

Mr. suitcase<snicker>

 

[APhil]

~~~SEVENTEEN TOP TEN LISTS~~~

~~17. TOP TEN FIGHTING NO-NOS.~~

10. Don't try to stab a guy with a rubber chicken.

9. Don't use the excuse "I have to go and get my toe hair pulled."

8. Don't try to scare him/her with your belly cheese.

7. Never sarcastically tell your opponent to hit you, he just might do it.

6. Don't toss mud at the guy, logs won't work either.

5. Don't sick your little brother on him.

4. Never ask him to go out to dinner after the fight.

3. Never ask him to do your homework, especially right after the fight.

2. Don't tell him that your the sun god and that you will burn him if he touches you.

1. Never say that you have super powers and if he hits you will turn him into a cheerleader.

~~16. TOP TEN COUNTRIES NOT RECOGNIZED BY THE UNITED NATIONS~~

10. Billytopia

9. Terroristan

8. The United States of Utah

7. Girlia

6. Toeguaku

5. USSA

4. The Mushroom Kingdom (It exists, I tell you! EXISTS!)

3. Paratoemian

2. Disneyland

1. Stupidia

~~15. TOP TEN DATE TIPS~~

10. Don't ask if your date has belly cheese, and if you can use it.

9. Don't pass gas frequently, especially on the goodbye kiss.

8. Never try to impress your date buy showing him/her the twenty pennies you can stick up your nose, especially if you already used them.

7. Your date will not want to see your M&M collection.

6. Chuck E. Cheese's is NOT considered fine dining.

5. School wouldn't be considered a date.

4. Don't make any sort of abnormal sounds at the table (Wet sneezes, loud hisses, and extrodenaraly loud burps).

3. Never break up with your date for the person behind him/her, especially if it is his/her twin.

2. Don't drive like James Bond, especially when it is your date's father's car.

1. Always make sure that you don't have any belly cheese before the date.

~~14. TOP TEN BAD PETS~~

10. Rocks

9. Your belly cheese

8. Your next door neighbor

7. Your teacher

6. A chair

5. A Christmas tree

4. Pillows

3. Garbage bags

2. Markers

1. Paper airplanes

~~13. TOP TEN REJECTED DISNEY MOVIES~~

10. "Mulan 2: We Don't Care About The Chinese People's Legends."

9. "Fantasia 2000: Judgment Day"

8. "Mickey Mouse and Sylvester the Cat in: Warner Brothers Rules!"

7. "Inspector Gadget." Wait, sorry, they DID make that movie.

6. "The Nebraska Chronicles"

5. "Star Kid 2: Another rehashed plot!"

4. "Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen in: How Old Are We, Anyway?"

3. "The Lying King: The story of William Jefferson Clinton"

2. "Ruined Folk Tales #42 - Beauty and the Belly Cheese!"

1. "The Rescuers Up Yours"

~~12. TOP TEN CHRISTMAS TREES DECORATIONS THAT NEVER MADE IT~~

10. Butter

9. Belly cheese

8. Rocks

7. Rubber Chickens

6. Mud

5. Watermelons

4. Computer disks

3. Key rings

2. Hot dogs

1. Cat Hair

~~11. TOP TEN LEAST KNOWN PHOBIAS~~

10. Bellycheeseophobia - Fear of Turkeys.

9. Phobiaphobia - Fear of fearing.

8. Againagainophobia - fear of Teletubbies.

7. TYophobia - Fear of beanie babies.

6. *Bzzzap*ophobia - Fear of becoming drunk and relieving oneself on the middle rail of a train track.

5. Turkeyophobia - Fear of belly cheese.

4. Buggerophobia - Fear of British slang.

3. Mr.Bigglesworthophobia - Fear of naked cats

2. Dearjohnophobia - Fear of Toilets

1. Minimeophobia - Fear that someone will make a tiny clone of you to terrorize your cats.

~~11. TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER~~

10. "If you give me a ticket, I'll turn you into a cheerleader!"

9. "Officer, *I* am your father!"

8. "Why, in my day, I walked lines like this with no shoes, in the snow, for six miles!"

7. "Tell the voices to go away, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE TELL THE VOICES TO GO AWAY!"

6. "But my belt buckle IS my identification!"

5. "I'm sorry, I don't have my license because I'm not wearing any pants."

4. "You don't need to see my identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along."

3. "Well, your eyes are a little glazed, officer, have you been eating doughnuts?"

2. "BOW BEFORE THE GREAT GLOWING HAMSTER, SIR!"

1. "You call this a straight line? Maybe you should be the one taking the test!"

~~10. TOP TEN THINGS TO DO IN WAL-MART~~

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

9. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

8. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

7. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

6. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

5. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

4. Take bets on the battle described above.

3. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

2. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

1. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

~~9. TOP TEN WORLD RECORDS NO ONE WILL EVER WANT TO BREAK~~

10. Largest piece of belly cheese

9. Wettest sneeze

8. Longest amount of detention spent in a year.

7. Longest time spent in a mall staring at passerby's.

6. Highest skydive without a parachute.

5. Largest amount of bee stings on one body.

4. Largest amounts of belly cheese eaten in one sitting.

3. Largest pile of cow pies sat in.

2. Longest loose clothes string.

1. Highest amount of failed dates.

~~8. TOP TEN BAD JOBS~~

10. Roller Coaster puke cleaner.

9. Belly Cheese Maker

8. Firing squad tester.

7. Road licker.

6. Pizza wetter.

5. Moist Toilette Tester.

4. beehive wiper.

3. Cat smeller.

2. Car crash dummy.

1. Writer of Pointless books.

~~7. TOP TEN BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT~~

10. Mr. Log and his smelly adventures.

9. Belly Cheese and you.

8. How to smell dog breath.

7. How to inflate your cat, and why.

6. Fifty best pictures of fire hydrants.

5. How to take pictures of key rings.

4. How to turn your computer on.

3. Why pizza makes good wallpaper.

2. How to stack folders.

1. How to avoid tree trunks.

~~6. TOP TEN WORST NAMES FOR 2001~~

10. Belli Chese

9. Bob de la Vega

8. Lew Peeker

7. Tiara Boobowski

6. Dude "where's my" Carr

5. Jammie Bo Bammy

4. Brahae DrgnSlyr

3. Gordon Freeman

2. Rak-torr, Destroyer of Worlds

1. Manuel Recount

~~5. TOP TEN FUTURE ROBOT MASTERS FOR MEGA MAN

10. Slow Moving Man

9. Tattletale man

8. Invisible Man

7. Milk Man

6. Disrespectful Man

5. Can Jump Higher Man

4. Fairy Man

3. Ceiling Fan Man

2. Fuzzy Man

1. Ladies' Man

~~4. TOP TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY~~

10. Going to Wal-mart and tricking the old people into thinking I'm a superhero.

9. Finally getting out that big clump of belly cheese that's been bugging you for days

8. Waking up in the middle of the night.

7. When somebody's accepting their Oscar and they let the world's largest fart ever. I'm talking Richter scale here.

6. Antidisestablishmentarianism.

5. When weird Grandpa Joe talks to me from the hole in the floor.

4. Prozac

3. When Pauly Shore died. Wait, you're not supposed to know that yet.

2. "You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around-Woah! AUGH OW OW WAUGH OW OW ROCK OW OW TREE OW OW AUGH ANGRY BEAR HELP AUUUUUUAGH!!!!"

1. Any practical joke that involves the protagonist saying "I'm looking for a Lew Peeker. Are there any Lew Peekers here?"

~~3. TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT NORMAL~~

10. You start each morning with a rousing game of gin rummy.

9. You get up on the wrong side of the bed... the bottom side.

8. At some point in your life you've eaten a Belly Cheese sandwich.

7. You were schooled for 13 years... all the same grade.

6. You have regular conversations with a tree on the other side of the lawn.

5. Your meals consist of Star Trek, in various forms.

4. You are an avid collector of water

3. You get exited about waking up in the middle of the night.

2. Your favorite pastime is making homemade cheese.

1. When you were born, they threw away the mold! ...some of it grew back...

~~2. TOP TEN THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY~~

10. "Oops. Nurse, go get a mop."

9. "Gee, I've never see THAT before..."

8. "I really hope my malpractice insurance covers that..."

7. "Heh, look what happens when I poke his heart!"

6. "whoops, well, that's the end of THAT organ..."

5. "Hey, where's the thymus? SOMEONE FIND THE THYMUS!"

4. "Clamp?" "Clamp." "Sponge?" "Sponge." "Sandwich?" "sandwich."

3. "Hey! That looks like Elvis! Someone get a camera, quick!"

2. "Nurse, get that one sharp pokey-thing so we can cut the hole in him."

1. "We're out of anesthetic? Well, I guess We'll do this the old-fashioned way."

~~1. TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE GOT BAD LUCK~~

10. The girl you've been dating turns out to be a ex-con named Fred.

9. You don't find a prize in the Cracker Jack box.

8. On your wedding day, you broke your wife's finger trying to get the ring on it.

7. You are allergic to anything white.

6. Your fortune cookie was blank.

5. You were fired, even though you are self-employed.

4. You broke your leg in the automatic door at the supermarket.

3. Psychics avoid you.

2. The frog you dissected in high school spontaneously combusted before you got in the first incision.

1. You work at a ladder factory, inspecting the undersides.

 

[APhil]

~~INTERMISSION~~

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.

I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

 

[unclej]

hey, those are really funny but not as funny as this...whapsplash...whapsplash...gotcha..ginny and lordkronos and i were having a water balloon fight and thought it would be fun to get everybody wet...yep, it was.

 

[APhil]

Dont you know I'm electronic???

*BZZZT*
*BZZZT*
*BZZZT*

*KABOOOM*

Dammit... I guess it's back to the drawing board.

 

[unclej]

damn man, i'm sorry. i didn't know. here's some wd40 for ya. hope that helps.

see, this is why i don't like horse play. somebody always gets hurt. ginny made me do it and then ran away like a big ole scardy pants.

 

[APhil]

Don't lie to me....

I read the thread after I changed avs....

 

[unclej]

lie? me? no, i'm pretty sure somebody made me do it and then ran off. i'll go check.

 

[Sixth]

Pointless Meanderings.



It's dark outside. Dark except the sickly yellow of the streetlights. A yellow that's clearly under the weather, sickly, under the sky. In the sky, overhead, the clouds wander through the stratosphere in their round the world lazy chase. Thousands of souls have been lost under these evil clouds, the clouds of pain, rain and Spain. In Spain, under King Ferdinand, a terrible question arose... are you faithful? Are you a witch. A sickly yellow witch, a witch who's under the clouds.