pointless Marquis thread

[Marquis]

So it's been a while since I really posted many personal details about myself on this forum, partially because I guard my privacy more carefully now than I have in the past and partially because I just haven't had the time or need for close relationships online. I am reaching out now in hopes of forming some relationships because I am lonely as fuck.

First, let me tell you how I got this way.

Some of you may remember me in college when I started posting here, then teaching high school, going to law school for a year and then kind of falling off of Lit except for some drama I was going through with my two subs. Life was tough after I dropped out of law school, I tried my hand at a number of different things, but nothing really stuck. Luckily I was able to support myself financially because of a lawsuit I won that paid out right around the time I graduated college. I eventually ran out of cash though and in a pretty incredible move landed a really good job with a major investment bank. Unfortunately I lost that job less than a year leader when my firm cut aggressively during the financial crisis. I figured grad school would be a chance to hit the restart button and ended up getting into a really good school.

I did my internship for a sleazy private equity fund that put me on a business development assignment in Singapore. I loved every part of it, the work, the environment, everything. I traveled to 5 different countries in SE Asia during the 8 week internship and really dug my co-workers too. Also, I did a great job and brought in some good business to the portfolio company. My firm paid me a decent little thank you bonus but told me they weren't going to be able to offer me a full time position at graduation because they couldnt afford to pay me. I thought it was a little ridiculous that they wouldn't want to bring me in after I had proven myself, but I knew they were struggling financially, so I started putting together a business plan that would use their assets in a new market that I could take to VCs for funding. Basically try to raise my own salary, and obviously keep the upside potential as well.

It went pretty far. I put together a pretty bad ass team and we entered our plan into a sustainable venture business plan competition in Thailand. I had already committed to doing my last semester abroad in South Africa and had to fly from Cape Town to Bangkok in the middle of my courses. My team was on 3 continents and we worked over the cloud. Despite this, we made it into the final round and we gave our presentation live on the Thai Money Channel to a panel of some of the most senior business execs in SE Asia. We won tons of awards, not the least of which was an envelope thick with US 100 dollar bills.

It all felt like a dream. In the meantime, I had been talking to a VC I met through my school on a regular basis. Things were moving more slowly with him than I would've liked, but everything seemed to be going in the right direction. When I came back from South Africa, I went to meet the PE bosses in Chicago. They said that they would provide the initial funding for my side project if I would continue the work I did for them over the summer. The whole thing seemed a bit ridiculous as they seemed to have gone through a major change of heart. They offered me a VERY shitty deal, but we negotiated and renegotiated and came to some terms I thought were acceptable.

The agreement was a VERY low base, with a very high commission on revenues I brought into the company. I had worked in the company before and knew I could be successful again, so I figured it would end up working in my favor. What I did not anticipate was how much things would change. During my internship, I worked with an operations guy who was younger than me and we had very few conflicts. When I started working a few months ago, the PE boss sent his idiot dumbshit brother in law to lead the company. He knew less about the company than anybody and had, as far as I could tell, 0 technical skills to bring to the table. He was a nice enough guy, but was utterly clueless and working with him was very frustrating. He felt like dead weight and it was even worse that he was making way more money than anyone and did nothing. He barely showed up to work and never had anything to contribute. This was why they couldn' pay me, I thought? I was humiliated and angered.

I kept doing my job and did my best not to worry about it. I started negotiating with a potential distributor for our product that would bring A LOT of money to the company and honestly, would've made me fucking rich on the commission agreement we had. While I was sitting in the car, the brother-in-law boss guy calls my co-worker and tries to pressure him into agreeing that my commission agreement was too high and that they needed to figure out a way to rip me off. I called him and told him that I would sue him if he tried anything funny. He said he would honor my contract and we dropped it. We didn't speak a word to each other for a few weeks until he told me I was fired. They had rented my apartment and I had to leave. They handed me a ticket back to the USA and that was that.

I didn't want to leave Singapore, so I started making some calls. Almost miraculously, an entrepreneur that I had met offered me a room in his house and I moved in the next day. I stayed with him for a few weeks until things got uncomfortable and I found a place in the city, where I live now. It is honestly the most disgusting living situation I have ever had to deal with, but it is all I can afford right now. I have gone on a lot of interviews but nothing seems to have stuck yet. It is getting to the point where I am really having trouble sleeping and feeling lost and hopeless a lot. I need a change NOW! I have always been a believer that when you know you need a change, the change you have to make is in yourself, but I don't know what in myself I need to change. I don't know what I did wrong to get to where I am right now, I cannot figure it out. Everyone that I've come to for help has either given me as much help as they can, which is not enough, or they find some reason why my situation is my own fault and they don't worry about it anymore. I feel desperate a lot and it is really affecting my ability to do what I need to do. I am really depressed.

 

[Marquis]

I guess what also gets me is that I feel like I am so close and yet so far. The avg first year comp for a graduate of my MBA program is high. Really high. I have struggled SO MUCH financially in the last 4 years. I want a break. I guess I want more than a break to be honest, I want to live a good life. I've worked my ass off and I feel like I deserve it. I've taken risks. I have skills. FUCK!

 

[eastern sun]

 

[jen_litgirl]

I don't know how to make that little heart thing that Easternsun did but my heart goes out to you as well. I'm sure that something will change and you'll be alright. Someone with your skill set, you're valuable and somebody is going to see that and reward you for it.

 

[intothewoods]

It sounds like you need a change of scenery. Can you crash with someone in NYC while you interview? Or some other city? Does your school offer any alum support for networking/employment?

 

[Marquis]

It sounds like you need a change of scenery. Can you crash with someone in NYC while you interview? Or some other city? Does your school offer any alum support for networking/employment?

I would really like to stay in Singapore, if possible. NYC, Miami and SanFran are backups.

 

[Netzach]

Can you fix a problem and get paid without the hassle of being hired by a firm? That's a knife that cuts two ways, for sure.

Is there a void you can jump into, taking advantage of being an IC for a while at least?

No commitment, just a short-term project?

It might not feel like "wow I've arrived" but it'll give you a lift. I'm sure you've got some contacts you can leverage.

I understand the "shit I should NOT be working this hard for less than everyone else" but that way lies making yourself depressed, majorly. If I really start to tease apart what I should be doing versus what I'm doing I'll go crazy.

Oh, and this blows, I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It should be golden.

I'm kind of sold on the idea that everyone has something, tangible or non, they can sell without having to have "a job"

 

[BiBunny]

Can you fix a problem and get paid without the hassle of being hired by a firm? That's a knife that cuts two ways, for sure.

Is there a void you can jump into, taking advantage of being an IC for a while at least?

No commitment, just a short-term project?

It might not feel like "wow I've arrived" but it'll give you a lift. I'm sure you've got some contacts you can leverage.

I understand the "shit I should NOT be working this hard for less than everyone else" but that way lies making yourself depressed, majorly. If I really start to tease apart what I should be doing versus what I'm doing I'll go crazy.

Oh, and this blows, I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It should be golden.

I'm kind of sold on the idea that everyone has something, tangible or non, they can sell without having to have "a job"

I know we're not, like, BFF, Marquis, but I do feel bad about all the shit being thrown at you currently. I read this thread earlier and was gonna come back and reply, but Netz has said more or less what I was going to say in way fewer words. So I will just say I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and I hope it gets better soon.

 

[Marquis]

Can you fix a problem and get paid without the hassle of being hired by a firm? That's a knife that cuts two ways, for sure.

Is there a void you can jump into, taking advantage of being an IC for a while at least?

No commitment, just a short-term project?

It might not feel like "wow I've arrived" but it'll give you a lift. I'm sure you've got some contacts you can leverage.

I understand the "shit I should NOT be working this hard for less than everyone else" but that way lies making yourself depressed, majorly. If I really start to tease apart what I should be doing versus what I'm doing I'll go crazy.

Oh, and this blows, I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It should be golden.

I'm kind of sold on the idea that everyone has something, tangible or non, they can sell without having to have "a job"

Way ahead of you bitch! I just got an email with a job offer. Definitely not my end all be all but it will get me out of this shithole, pay the bills, give me something to do and buy me some time.

My thing that I sell in an emergency has always been tutoring, so I turned to that as an option while I pursued leads for something more permanent. I got turned away a lot, probably because I couldn't fake happiness at making 50% of my market value well enough, or represented too much of a flight risk, but apparently one of these agencies has come through. Can't tell you what a relief this is.

Wow, what incredible timing.

What's an IC?

I know we're not, like, BFF, Marquis, but I do feel bad about all the shit being thrown at you currently. I read this thread earlier and was gonna come back and reply, but Netz has said more or less what I was going to say in way fewer words. So I will just say I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and I hope it gets better soon.

I didn't realize there were any issues between us BiBunny. Thanks for the support.

 

[Marquis]

Sometimes I think there is something really powerful, almost magical, about expressing my pain through writing.

 

[BiBunny]

I didn't realize there were any issues between us BiBunny. Thanks for the support.

There aren't. I'm just...blech...today. Lo siento.

Also, not to speak for Netz, but I'm thinking that IC in her post meant independent contractor.

 

[Netzach]

yep, independent contractor.

And that's awesome. OK stuff that floats you along > freakout worthy ambiguous poverty.

I wonder have you ever thought about parsing your tutoring skills into something that companies slurp up for HR and team building like crazed pac men? Even I've thought I should be doing some kind of workshop for people with more standard lives than I have, or some kind of coaching outside the usual "get organized" crap. You've got the brain trust to hook up with other smart people, dev and market something unique, I bet.

 

[Marquis]

yep, independent contractor.

And that's awesome. OK stuff that floats you along > freakout worthy ambiguous poverty.

I wonder have you ever thought about parsing your tutoring skills into something that companies slurp up for HR like crazed pac men? Even I've thought I should be doing some kind of workshop for people with more standard lives than I have, or some kind of coaching outside the usual "get organized" crap. You've got the brain trust to hook up with other smart people, dev and market something unique, I bet.

Hey Netz, this is a great question. Tutoring/teaching is the basic platform I use for all of my work. I really can't go into this much more without revealing more than I want to right now, but yeah, I think we are simpatico on this, once again.

Netzach, sometimes I think we are truly kindred spirits, but I think you make everyone feel that way!

WHORE!

 

[Ropebunny]

Way ahead of you bitch! I just got an email with a job offer. Definitely not my end all be all but it will get me out of this shithole, pay the bills, give me something to do and buy me some time.

My thing that I sell in an emergency has always been tutoring, so I turned to that as an option while I pursued leads for something more permanent. I got turned away a lot, probably because I couldn't fake happiness at making 50% of my market value well enough, or represented too much of a flight risk, but apparently one of these agencies has come through. Can't tell you what a relief this is.

Wow, what incredible timing.

That's fucking awesome! I only quasi-know you through perusing the library but you sounded like you needed someone to listen. I'd just spent like a half hour writing a whole bunch of stuff in reply to your first post, then looked down and saw that you'd post the above reply. Looks like my small loss of time is your massive gain!

I'm also totally feeling your relief! I swear that as soon as you fully resign yourself to whatever shit hits the tables turn on you and things improve. It's happened to many times to me to be mere coinsidence. Here's hoping your moods starts to lift too eh?

 

[Marquis]

That's fucking awesome! I only quasi-know you through perusing the library but you sounded like you needed someone to listen. I'd just spent like a half hour writing a whole bunch of stuff in reply to your first post, then looked down and saw that you'd post the above reply. Looks like my small loss of time is your massive gain!

I'm also totally feeling your relief! I swear that as soon as you fully resign yourself to whatever shit hits the tables turn on you and things improve. It's happened to many times to me to be mere coinsidence. Here's hoping your moods starts to lift too eh?

Mood definitely lifted.

I completely agree with you about the bizarre coincidence of hitting that point where all seems lost, and in that moment getting a lifeline. It has also happened to me too many times to not believe it to be some kind of cosmic lesson!

Thank you so much for the support. It really means a lot to me and I really appreciate it.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Way ahead of you bitch! I just got an email with a job offer. Definitely not my end all be all but it will get me out of this shithole, pay the bills, give me something to do and buy me some time.

My thing that I sell in an emergency has always been tutoring, so I turned to that as an option while I pursued leads for something more permanent. I got turned away a lot, probably because I couldn't fake happiness at making 50% of my market value well enough, or represented too much of a flight risk, but apparently one of these agencies has come through. Can't tell you what a relief this is.

Wow, what incredible timing.

Glad you found a way to stay where you want to be right now.

It might not feel like "wow I've arrived" but it'll give you a lift. I'm sure you've got some contacts you can leverage.

I understand the "shit I should NOT be working this hard for less than everyone else" but that way lies making yourself depressed, majorly. If I really start to tease apart what I should be doing versus what I'm doing I'll go crazy.

This little gem still applies though and I so wish someone would have told me this long ago, before I had to figure it out myself.
Also, while taking those detours in life and career, you learn a lot that can give you an advantage later on, over the people who stay on the highway.
I know it's a bumpy ride though and I hope you get to a more comfortable stretch of road soon.

 

[eastern sun]

Sometimes I think there is something really powerful, almost magical, about expressing my pain through writing.

I think there is. I also think that "putting it out there" in whatever form it takes starts putting things in motion in ways we don't fully understand. The worst thing to do is turn it all inward, and bury it within our own flesh.

 

[Marquis]

I think there is. I also think that "putting it out there" in whatever form it takes starts putting things in motion in ways we don't fully understand. The worst thing to do is turn it all inward, and bury it within our own flesh.

Agreed.

 

[Etoile]

Hey, I am pretty lonely too. So I'll just say I know how you feel.

 

[DVS]

Sometimes I think there is something really powerful, almost magical, about expressing my pain through writing.

It is a proven fact that writing things down on paper is cathartic, and it can sometimes help sort things out in your head. If nothing else, you get to vent a little and that helps, too. I know nothing in this world is guaranteed, but we do feel like life should be at least fair. Unfortunately, that isn't a guarantee, either.

I've had my own ups and mostly downs, in the last couple of years, and I've been writing about it. And I've got a lot more to add to it, in the last year. I've been told I should write a book about my life's events. Who knows...people might actually buy it, just to make them feel better about themselves. It's amazing what people will buy.

I think you've experienced a little bit of the bad economy, as many of us have. Some people haven't felt any crunch, but others have been hit pretty hard. It all depends on your financial situation when it hits. You should be in high demand with your degree and that isn't happening. There are many people with degrees that are in the same shoes. I can understand you getting pissed off, after spending so much time suffering, expecting something big after graduation.

Of course, you've suffered from some bad breaks, too. I've been there, too. I understand how you can feel like somebody is watching what you're doing just to make sure you don't get ahead. It's like things get dangled in front of you and you can almost taste it before it's taken away. It sounds silly, but I sometimes consider Murphy's Law was created just for me. I can't be the only one that feels that way, so maybe you could start a Singapore branch.

A lot of the world is suffering, and it seems the rest is just waiting for something to break before they start spending some cash. Sure, there's a few that have money and are doing business as usual, but I think even they are being overly cautious with their expenditures. It's good you have the tutoring to keep you going. I'm glad that has worked out. It will give you a little help, until you can find something more substantial.

I'll tell you what people have told me. There's light at the end of this nasty financial tunnel. It can't go on for ever. I think a lot of people are waiting until after the presidential election, just to see what direction the wind is going to blow. No matter who is elected, I think the economy is bound to open up somewhere by the first of next year. The trouble is, that is a long time to wait and the cash flow isn't going to be fast down to the masses.

I know it's bullshit, but people say "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." I tell those people, I'm already strong enough. It's time I got a break. It sounds to me like you feel the same way.

 

[suckmytitties]

I know you would rather stay in Spore, but would you consider Malaysia?
I have a good friend who is in the econ/financial/banking sector there. It is a vibrant area!
Just an idea...
Hang in there...I know how difficult it can be when you know what you are worth, but others try to rip you off.

 

[Keroin]

Totally unrelated, (and I wouldn't post this if I hadn't read about the positive change in your situation), but I just couldn't miss the irony here. In your recent talk thread, you worried that you might be a narcissist and Lit/BDSM might be a haven for that, then I come to the cafe and find another thread started by you...all about you.

Made me smile a bit.

 

[Marquis]

Hey, I am pretty lonely too. So I'll just say I know how you feel.

That adjustment must've been tough. Nihonga ga dekimasu ka?

At least Singapore is an English speaking country with a high expat population.

It is a proven fact that writing things down on paper is cathartic, and it can sometimes help sort things out in your head. If nothing else, you get to vent a little and that helps, too. I know nothing in this world is guaranteed, but we do feel like life should be at least fair. Unfortunately, that isn't a guarantee, either.

I've had my own ups and mostly downs, in the last couple of years, and I've been writing about it. And I've got a lot more to add to it, in the last year. I've been told I should write a book about my life's events. Who knows...people might actually buy it, just to make them feel better about themselves. It's amazing what people will buy.

I think you've experienced a little bit of the bad economy, as many of us have. Some people haven't felt any crunch, but others have been hit pretty hard. It all depends on your financial situation when it hits. You should be in high demand with your degree and that isn't happening. There are many people with degrees that are in the same shoes. I can understand you getting pissed off, after spending so much time suffering, expecting something big after graduation.

Of course, you've suffered from some bad breaks, too. I've been there, too. I understand how you can feel like somebody is watching what you're doing just to make sure you don't get ahead. It's like things get dangled in front of you and you can almost taste it before it's taken away. It sounds silly, but I sometimes consider Murphy's Law was created just for me. I can't be the only one that feels that way, so maybe you could start a Singapore branch.

A lot of the world is suffering, and it seems the rest is just waiting for something to break before they start spending some cash. Sure, there's a few that have money and are doing business as usual, but I think even they are being overly cautious with their expenditures. It's good you have the tutoring to keep you going. I'm glad that has worked out. It will give you a little help, until you can find something more substantial.

I'll tell you what people have told me. There's light at the end of this nasty financial tunnel. It can't go on for ever. I think a lot of people are waiting until after the presidential election, just to see what direction the wind is going to blow. No matter who is elected, I think the economy is bound to open up somewhere by the first of next year. The trouble is, that is a long time to wait and the cash flow isn't going to be fast down to the masses.

I know it's bullshit, but people say "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." I tell those people, I'm already strong enough. It's time I got a break. It sounds to me like you feel the same way.

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying here, DVS. I think it's tough because the rational part of you knows that you can't just sit around and wait for a break. You know that no matter how bad you have it, others have it worse, and there are a lot of people dealing with the same bullshit you are.

But the emotional part of you can't help but feel like this fucking shit is ridiculous.

I know you would rather stay in Spore, but would you consider Malaysia?
I have a good friend who is in the econ/financial/banking sector there. It is a vibrant area!
Just an idea...
Hang in there...I know how difficult it can be when you know what you are worth, but others try to rip you off.

Hey smt, I appreciate you thinking of me, but I am a little wary about networking through Lit. Contacts is actually not so much my problem anyway, although obviously some contacts are better than others. I have two degrees, both from very strong schools, so I network a lot through my alumni base. Most will return emails, many will take calls, plenty will meet, etc. etc. The problem is getting an enthusiastic recommendation or pushing the needle into "hire" territory. Part of this is my own fault for not being, necessarily, an obvious fit for what I'd really like to do, not fully understanding the lay of the land at a lot of the companies I have been looking at, etc. etc. I am sort of crossing these obstacles off the list one by one, through research, preparation and lots of networking. It takes time though and in the mean time I need money and I am also a bit afraid of getting stale. I also just need to make up my fucking mind on a few things.

Totally unrelated, (and I wouldn't post this if I hadn't read about the positive change in your situation), but I just couldn't miss the irony here. In your recent talk thread, you worried that you might be a narcissist and Lit/BDSM might be a haven for that, then I come to the cafe and find another thread started by you...all about you.

Made me smile a bit.

Ummm...... fuck off?

I don't think it is a narcissistic quality to come to your friends when you are having problems. I have been on this site for nearly 10 years keroin. Many of these people have literally watched me grow up. I am grateful to Lit for giving me a safe place to vent, and even more grateful to my friends for their words of advice and support.

Your condescension is uncalled for.

 

[Marquis]

Wow, over 10 years now, actually.

 

[Keroin]

Ummm...... fuck off?

I don't think it is a narcissistic quality to come to your friends when you are having problems. I have been on this site for nearly 10 years keroin. Many of these people have literally watched me grow up. I am grateful to Lit for giving me a safe place to vent, and even more grateful to my friends for their words of advice and support.

Your condescension is uncalled for.

I wasn't being condescending, I saw genuine humour in the situation and thought you might be able to laugh at yourself as well. Apologies if it came across heavy handed or condescending.