Poetry Spankings. No Tender Bottoms Allowed!

[WickedEve]

God only knows how many threads have been dedicated to "no bull shit" critiques. Well, here's another one. If you're a big girl, or big boy, this is the place for you. No crying allowed! If you post it here, then your poem is going to get spanked until it straightens up its act!

Okay, I'll go first. I just finished writing this. I think I should probably be concerned that this poem just popped into my head.

My Misbehaving Madness

They tried to convince me that it was dead,
but I've seen evidence of its existence.
It broke the window just to peek outside.
At night it scratches across the floor,
pacing, always pacing.
It spent an entire day and night
locked in my closet,
slowly shredding the worn fabric.
I know it hides under the bed,
so the sheets won't devour it.
I'm afraid one day it'll answer the phone,
and say something quite embarrassing.

 

[Blarneystoned]

Great poem...no criticism here

Okay I have a poem for ya..haha


Southern Tobacco Spitters

Aunt Bessie didn't care if Unc Bubba had no teeth left
She left his dentures floating in the bath water every morning
He 'd gum his oatmeal down with a mighty heft
And hock a luggie without warning

Then he'd rinse out his mouth with listerine
Pop his dentures in with some polydent
Bite of a chunk of wad and clean
Himself and put on oldspice and deodorant

Unc Bubba could spit about thirty paces or so
The old oak tree was stained with his artwork
That ole geiser loved to sit and watch tobacco grow
But the oak tree still hated his artwork


Blarney
a ' hem Master piece ..haha

 

[WickedEve]

Ohhh, do you have unc bubba's phone number? I think my insane It and your unc should get together.

Some of your poem I didn't like because it was just gross! But that last stanza about unc's unique artwork is pretty darn interesting.

 

[Blarneystoned]

yes perhaps hock a luggie is too strong a term

I based unc bubba on several nursing home patients I have had with pneumonia...perhaps I should replace the luggie phrase with bronchitis or something more medical...haha

Now a luggie hocking IT...now that would be a story...sort of Ghost Busters meets Stephan King ??

 

[smithpeter]

Thank you for this forum W.E.
The words below have been pounding in my head.
Now they are gone.


pussy cats and missionaries kneeling
kissing the things

it is in our heads and forgotten
pets only want to eat us
so they lick us

 

[WickedEve]

You have the strangest things pounding in your head! lol

"pussy cats and missionaries kneeling
kissing the things

it is in our heads and forgotten
pets only want to eat us
so they lick us"

Are you going to add to this? I have to ask: kissing what things?
I like the part about our pet wanting to eat us, so they lick us. lol This is probably the start of one of your more bizarre poems, sp.

 

[Sweetwood]

Spank me or I'll eat you

This is my poem that needs spanking:

Dein Wesen lang vergessen
Liegt wie ein Schatz
In den verschlossenen Kammern
der Seele - Erinnerung langsam
aufsteigend durch die Berührung
unseres Treffens - in Sommers Milde
Erneurung tiefer Schicksalkräfte

Sweetwink

 

[WickedEve]

sweetbark

Please translate so I can properly whip its ass!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Spank me or I'll eat you

This is my poem that needs spanking:

Dein Wesen lang vergessen
Liegt wie ein Schatz
In den verschlossenen Kammern
der Seele - Erinnerung langsam
aufsteigend durch die Berührung
unseres Treffens - in Sommers Milde
Erneurung tiefer Schicksalkräfte

Sweetwink

I can only say two things to you, Sweetwood:

De gustibus et coloribus non disputandum

and

Bite me

 

[Blarneystoned]

Sehr, Sehr Gut ! It reminds me of the Elf Konig..haha..Go Goethe !

Hey Lauren..you have my same birthday order Geburstag.....can you send me some German bier on my birthday...haha


Blarneystoned

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: Spank me or I'll eat you

This is my poem that needs spanking:

Dein Wesen lang vergessen
Liegt wie ein Schatz
In den verschlossenen Kammern
der Seele - Erinnerung langsam
aufsteigend durch die Berührung
unseres Treffens - in Sommers Milde
Erneurung tiefer Schicksalkräfte

Sweetwink

Hmm, a German poem. How nice

*pulling on the black leather spanking gloves*

I like the flow of the poem, like tidal forces down and then up. Maybe it's the deliberateness of the language that also gets me. *shrug* This poem would work as a closing to the "Please play with me" thread's current work

I would like more of a respite after "Seele" though. A new line, rather than only the dash, and with it a chance to hold my breath for a moment. As it is, with only the short pause, the rhythm doesn't work for me at all there or after "Aufsteigend". I'd also like to remember for a moment upon "Erinnerung". It's a nicely emotional trigger word and breaking the slow and rising interrupts that memory. The rest is okay, but in my opinion the reference to summer's mildness doesn't add to the poem. Remembering now that I'm wearing the gloves I'll not be nice about it and just say "Lose it." * smmmMMACCKKKkkk *

Here is the version that sits better in this reader's mind.

Dein Wesen lang vergessen
Liegt wie ein Schatz
In den verschlossenen Kammern
Der Seele --
Erinnerung
Langsam aufsteigend
Durch die Berührung
Unseres Treffens --
Erneurung tiefer Schicksalkräfte

Quack

the D



A very literal translation follows:

Your being long forgotten
Lies like a treasure
in the sealed chambers
of the soul - memories slowly
rising through the touch
of our meeting - in summer's mildness
renewal of deep fate's strength.

and

your being long forgotten
lies like a treasure
in the sealed chambers
of the soul --
memories
slowly rising
through the touch
of our meeting --
renewal of deep fate's strength.

I'm not happy with the fate translation but couldn't think of a closer/better wording. D

 

[Sweetwood]

Kritik

D:

Vielen Dank für die ausführliche Kritik an meinem Gedicht.
Thank you very much for the extensive critique of my poem.

In fact I like your suggestion to loose the summer mildness, although it referred to a walk we took under 700 year old Lindentrees. I agree with the extent of the pause necessary after "Seele". In german the dash is called a "thought-line" which is very apt to the use of it as a device to create space for contemplation.

In the translation I find the word fate not exactly what "Schicksal" would express in German. I think it is more somewhere between Fate and destiny, or to use the Sanskrit word Kharma. The poem refers to a meeting of my very best friend at school after twenty some years. As so often, school friendships have outlived their kharma around the age of 23. It is always a surprise when later in life we meet again and find a new point of beginning. It is almost as if new kharma is being created.

In any event I think your suggestions are very good and I will revise the poem accordingly.

Thank you for the time you took. Good editing.

Sweetwood

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Great poem...no criticism here

Okay I have a poem for ya..haha


Southern Tobacco Spitters

Aunt Bessie didn't care if Unc Bubba had no teeth left
She left his dentures floating in the bath water every morning
He 'd gum his oatmeal down with a mighty heft
And hock a luggie without warning

Then he'd rinse out his mouth with listerine
Pop his dentures in with some polydent
Bite of a chunk of wad and clean
Himself and put on oldspice and deodorant

Unc Bubba could spit about thirty paces or so
The old oak tree was stained with his artwork
That ole geiser loved to sit and watch tobacco grow
But the oak tree still hated his artwork


Blarney
a ' hem Master piece ..haha

An excellent poem except for the uninteresting (childish) last line. I hope that U will do something about it. I would suggest not to speak on the behalf of the oak tree or the problem will not get fixed. And don't spoil your poem by any medical/scientific term, as U were considering in your comment. (If this poem is submitted I'll be glad to vote 5 -- I did so for lesser poems; I hardly ever vote).

Regards,

Senna Jawa

PS. Wow! U managed to get me back to this forum, at least for this one occasion. That's a success in my book. OK, I won't bother anybody.

PPS. The poem above illustrates two simple truths: (1) U have to write about something (and leave all those general and poetic and philosophical feelings/thinking to the reader); (2) U have to know what U r writing about, U have to know that something.

PPPS. U r a third nurse who is a strong poet that I have run into. It's not an accident. Nurses lead the kind of life which provides them with a strong poetry stimulating environment.

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: Kritik

Originally posted by Sweetwood

In fact I like your suggestion to loose the summer mildness, although it referred to a walk we took under 700 year old Lindentrees.

I assumed it refered to a real memory, but one whose importance that can't be shared without using more words, and that would hurt the poem too much. My advice given that that was what you were describing is to lose it in this one, but write another one that makes us feel that walk.

I agree with the extent of the pause necessary after "Seele". In german the dash is called a "thought-line" which is very apt to the use of it as a device to create space for contemplation.

Gedanken strich? It's been many years since I had to seriously think in German. A bit at home now and then, the odd glance at some content on the web. It's nice to know that it still comes easily though, like skiing

In the translation I find the word fate not exactly what "Schicksal" would express in German.

Yes, I agree.

I think it is more somewhere between Fate and destiny, or to use the Sanskrit word Kharma. The poem refers to a meeting of my very best friend at school after twenty some years. As so often, school friendships have outlived their kharma around the age of 23. It is always a surprise when later in life we meet again and find a new point of beginning. It is almost as if new kharma is being created.

Hmm, I think the better word might be Kismet. I think I know what you meant wrt Kharma, but that also doesn't really work. In fact for a translation of such a poem I would leave the german word, but italicised. There are many phrases and words that don't translate well, where it is worth the reader looking them up to see why they were left as is. Weltschmertz, for example, is one such wonderfully expressive word that only translates into a phrase.

Thank you for the time you took. Good editing.

I'm glad you found it helpful. Thanks for posting it.

the D

 

[Blarneystoned]

Senna..haha

That poem was purely a joke posted for Wicked Eve....we had a discussion about southern tobacco spitters...haha...they whole poem is a jest and not meant for serious consideration....Im glad you liked it though..haha..it's a cross between pneumonia spitting old folks and huck fin and the locals here near VA...too bad there is no tobacco anymore though..Blarney

Here have some coppenhagen..haha

Never forget to laugh...it disheartens the enemy!

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Senna..haha

That poem was purely a joke posted for Wicked Eve....we had a discussion about southern tobacco spitters...haha...they whole poem is a jest and not meant for serious consideration....Im glad you liked it though..haha..it's a cross between pneumonia spitting old folks and huck fin and the locals here near VA...too bad there is no tobacco anymore though..Blarney

Here have some coppenhagen..haha

Never forget to laugh...it disheartens the enemy!

Well, U'v got something to think about.
Don't impoverish yourself.

 

[Blarneystoned]

Senna Jawa

Ive always been a strong writer...but my passion is medicine. I guess what I was saying is that I cranked that poem out in a couple minutes because Eve needed some tags on the thread...if you really like it..I will fix it for you..haha..it was the druid in me that had to consider the oak trees feelings...haha...I just find it funny that you want me to adapt a tobacco spitting poem is all..haha.

Blarney

P.S. Im listening to Guns and Roses...haha...I used to car surf to these songs..haha..Everyone get out your cigarette lighters !


Ive been walkin the streets at night
Just tryin to get it right
It's hard to see with so many around
You know I dont like being stuck in the ground
I ain t got time for the games
Cause I need you
Yeah I need you

Guitar cue

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Senna Jawa

[...] I guess what I was saying is that I cranked that poem out in a couple minutes [...]

Blarney

It does not matter. A poem is a poem. This one happens to be a very good one. I saw one of your "serious"(?) poems, just one, and it was not in the same league. Far from it. I've seen by now several #1 Literotica pieces and I would never call them poetry. One can write a great poem fast when one has skills and knows deeply what s/he is writing about. Some great poems were improvised. Writer's laughing attitude doesn't have to doom the poem when writer still follows the strict artistic discipline and shows artistic taste; such an attitude might be even helpful (I am not talking about the contents of a poem but about the poem
itself as art: a photograph of a sick, poor person, including vomit, can be still done with great artistic taste while the contents is not). Occasionally being a bit drunk or tired, when one
is relaxed, not worried, might even help the process of writing. The same with feeling humorous.

This forum has a lot to learn from your poem.

Regards,

 

[Blarneystoned]

Fair enough...

You make a good point...Edgar Allen Poe..depressive drunk....Shelly..opium addict...but I am none of those I just work with all the drunks and addicts...haha

At any rate, at one point in my career I wanted to write, and I still want to publish a book some day...thanks for the encouragement....Blarney

So I take it you write for a living ??

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Fair enough...

At any rate, at one point in my career I wanted to write, and I still want to publish a book some day...thanks for the encouragement....Blarney

So I take it you write for a living ??

I don't.

If U have more down to Earth poems like the one in this thread (they don't have to be "funny", they may have good natured humor of course) and U'r thinking about getting published then contact ASGP (A Small Garlic Press -- easy to find on Internet, but let me know if U have a problem. U may mention that Wlod has prompted U to write to them or specifically to Marek Lugowski). They don't make a penny on their publications. If an author can afford it then the author pays for the cost of producing the booklets (AGSP is very good at keeping the cost down--around 1996 they or the author used to sell a booklet for $3 to $4, at one time even for less). If an author is superb and poor they may even help financially from their own pocket. Then U get, I don't know, a hundred or two of the booklets and U'r also listed on their page. They might, with your permission, post on their page a few of your poems. That's how it was years ago. I am pretty sure that it is the same way today. Their booklets are very nice, use a high quality paper and they provide great graphics (or U may try your own skills). If U don't have enough material for a booklet of your own (about 30-50 poems, I think) U may still talk to them about isolated poems. Their page should provide U with (more reliable ) information. Good luck.

Of course anybody may try to contact them

Regards,

 

[stargirl32]

reworked and re writen

this was posted once . but i didnt like it , so i rewrote it
it but its still lacking something ,,..

I am a Split roast
Speared front and back
On rods of rendered iron.
Turned end over end.

Marinate and Roast me
Over pilled nylon orange sheets .
static Sparks spreading under my knees.
Until I am tender and soft.
Sink your teeth in to my flesh.
And chew each delicate morsel.
Slowly masticating till
Bone and flesh are all
That's left.



slipping this weeks copy of poets forum weekly into my knickers , ready to receive my spanking.........

 

[stargirl32]

Re: reworked and re writen

this was posted once . but i didnt like it , so i rewrote it
it but its still lacking something ,,..

I am a Split roast
Speared front and back
On rods of rendered iron.
Turned end over end.

Marinate and Roast me
Over pilled nylon orange sheets .
static Sparks spreading under my knees.
Until I am tender and soft.
Sink your teeth in to my flesh.
And chew each delicate morsel.
Slowly masticating till
Bone and flesh are all
That's left.



slipping this weeks copy of poets forum weekly into my knickers , ready to receive my spanking.........

ok ok its proberly so bad no one wants to touch it ,, lol ,...

 

[_Land]

Ouch

At first that poem sound painful, but i like a little pain LOL
Very Visualy effective, giving mental images of a threesome from a few weks back. Very tantalizing, makes my tummy growl
*nibbles gently on star savoring the taste* _Land

 

[stargirl32]

Re: Ouch

At first that poem sound painful, but i like a little pain LOL
Very Visualy effective, giving mental images of a threesome from a few weks back. Very tantalizing, makes my tummy growl
*nibbles gently on star savoring the taste* _Land

thank you land ,.. i must admit ,, its my fantasy ,, distilled into A few lines ,,, the orange sheets are from the first time i used this fantasy to" bring my self of" sorry to much info.. lol
i was worried that no one would " see " what i was trying to get to ... thanks again for answering , xxxxx star

 

[*ladylove*]

Re: reworked and re writen

this was posted once . but i didnt like it , so i rewrote it
it but its still lacking something ,,..

I am a Split roast
Speared front and back
On rods of rendered iron.
Turned end over end.

Marinate and Roast me
Over pilled nylon orange sheets .
static Sparks spreading under my knees.
Until I am tender and soft.
Sink your teeth in to my flesh.
And chew each delicate morsel.
Slowly masticating till
Bone and flesh are all
That's left.



slipping this weeks copy of poets forum weekly into my knickers , ready to receive my spanking.........

MMM..dayum how i love me a juicy piece of some star meat!

I think its the very first line that throws me off in this poem babes. It just seems to need something more. The rest of your poem is filled with imagery that appeals to the senses, while the beginning simply states the picture. (not quite making the reader see it for themselves, course lets keep in mind that this is only my opinion. that and a buck will get you a cup of coffee )

What about for example:
Your juicy, pink split roast

The rest is awesome! Some punctuation and spelling fixes is all that would be required I think. I absolutely love the way it makes my mouth water for a bite!

*ladylove*