Poetry needing critique

[_Land]

This is damn well simple enough, you got a poem your stuck on, or want advice on post it here. Please no more then one poem per poet at a time.

 

[_Land]

Two rain drops from heaven

Two rain drops from heaven

one and another falling
finding their way
separately together

~drip drip drop

filtered through earth’s
cavernous wombs
awaiting re-birth

~sprout sprout spring

bubbling forth, frolicking
amongst the eddies of time
being carried along

~trickle trickle stream

over rocks that funnel
tumble easily moved and swayed
pushed along a course

~plunge plummet fall

broken on the surface
as reality rises to meet
our headstrong leap

~ rumble tumble river

travels broaden banks
we move the landscape
to reach our shores

~rush rushing rapids

white capped swiftness
beckons us on
towards our love affair

~smoothing soothing bay

meet me at oceans door
mingle and dance with tides
waving goodbye to the land of our journey,

~two drops finding one ocean

entered by following
natures course
from heaven to heaven

~drip drip drop





I am not entirely pleased with the flow of this, it seems to break at the end. suggestions would be appreciated

_N

 

[Ms_Kat]

Feedback

_Land,


Here are my thoughts:


1) There is a change from "drip drip drop" to "plunge plummet fall". It made me wonder why. The repetition can work well, and so can the other, but I'd rather see you stay with one of them rather than mix them. It allows for a more flowing reading that way. Chopping it by changing styles can lead to an increased sense of drama, but that doesn't seem to fit with the piece.

2) It is obvious by the end of the piece that you are linking a love affair to the water cycle. However, this is kind of held off to the end, giving it kind of a "surprise ending". This is not necessarily bad, but I think you might be able to get a better ending if you brought the metaphor out earlier. For example:

"Two rain drops from heaven

one and another falling
finding their way
separately together"

could be something like:

"Two rain drops from heaven

one and another falling
my lips upon your skin
separate; together"


3) I think you could benefit from using more punctuation. Yes, it does tend to break the flow in some respects, but it also makes your intent clearer.


Hugs,

Kat

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Two rain drops from heaven

You could try removing the drip drip drop and similar lines. There's a very nice poem there without them. I know after you write a piece it can be difficult to cut away at your creation, but it can be for the best.
Read your poem below, then edit from there if you feel it needs more. I really think it reads much better this way.

one and another falling
finding their way
separately together

filtered through earth’s
cavernous wombs
awaiting re-birth

bubbling forth, frolicking
amongst the eddies of time
being carried along

over rocks that funnel
tumble easily moved and swayed
pushed along a course

broken on the surface
as reality rises to meet
our headstrong leap

travels broaden banks
we move the landscape
to reach our shores

white capped swiftness
beckons us on
towards our love affair

meet me at oceans door
mingle and dance with tides
waving goodbye to the land of our journey,

entered by following
natures course
from heaven to heaven

 

[champagne1982]

drop dropping droplet

Hi _Land,

My suggestions will hopefully point you to the rhythm I think you were looking for. I like the work as it is but you're right it does get choppy at the end. My ideas are enclosed in [and in italics].

Two rain drops from heaven

one and another falling
finding their way
separately together

~drip drip drop [drip dripping drop]

filtered through earth’s
cavernous wombs
awaiting re-birth

~sprout sprout spring [sprout sprouting spring]

bubbling forth, frolicking
amongst the eddies of time
being carried along

~trickle trickle stream [trickle trickling rill or you could say ripple rippling rill to maintain the alliteration pattern]

over rocks that funnel
tumble easily moved and swayed
pushed along a course

~plunge plummet fall [this is where you change rhythm in the ~accent phrase.. plunge plunging plume]

broken on the surface
as reality rises to meet
our headstrong leap

~ rumble tumble river [let's cliche this up... roll rolling river]

travels broaden banks
we move the landscape
to reach our shores

~rush rushing rapids

white capped swiftness
beckons us on
towards our love affair

~smoothing soothing bay [sooth soothing sea]

meet me at oceans door
mingle and dance with tides
waving goodbye to the land of our journey,

~two drops finding one ocean [mesh melding minds or flow flowing fate]

entered by following
natures course
from heaven to heaven

~drip drip drop [drip dripping drop]

[two drops finding one ocean]

I think you want to maintain the alliteration pattern and add rhythm to the end of the poem, therefore a few changes like I listed above would help keep the rain falling steadily from the sky and the water droplets within their cycle.

Maybe the title could be something like Lovers in Cycles and the current one can be the opening line to the poem, since when read as part of the verse, it opens so perfectly and balances the ending.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: drop dropping droplet

Hi _Land,

My suggestions will hopefully point you to the rhythm I think you were looking for. I like the work as it is but you're right it does get choppy at the end. My ideas are enclosed in [and in italics].

Two rain drops from heaven

one and another falling
finding their way
separately together

~drip drip drop [drip dripping drop]

filtered through earth’s
cavernous wombs
awaiting re-birth

~sprout sprout spring [sprout sprouting spring]

bubbling forth, frolicking
amongst the eddies of time
being carried along

~trickle trickle stream [trickle trickling rill or you could say ripple rippling rill to maintain the alliteration pattern]

over rocks that funnel
tumble easily moved and swayed
pushed along a course

~plunge plummet fall [this is where you change rhythm in the ~accent phrase.. plunge plunging plume]

broken on the surface
as reality rises to meet
our headstrong leap

~ rumble tumble river [let's cliche this up... roll rolling river]

travels broaden banks
we move the landscape
to reach our shores

~rush rushing rapids

white capped swiftness
beckons us on
towards our love affair

~smoothing soothing bay [sooth soothing sea]

meet me at oceans door
mingle and dance with tides
waving goodbye to the land of our journey,

~two drops finding one ocean [mesh melding minds or flow flowing fate]

entered by following
natures course
from heaven to heaven

~drip drip drop [drip dripping drop]

[two drops finding one ocean]

I think you want to maintain the alliteration pattern and add rhythm to the end of the poem, therefore a few changes like I listed above would help keep the rain falling steadily from the sky and the water droplets within their cycle.

Maybe the title could be something like Lovers in Cycles and the current one can be the opening line to the poem, since when read as part of the verse, it opens so perfectly and balances the ending.

I like what you did with it! Very nice edit.

 

[_Land]

Thank you all

I will be reworking this as soon as i finish the poem I promised for the music challenge. I look forward to seeing some other poems posted for crit help in this thread.....



_Land

 

[lovergirl122984]

hi i need some feed back on my writing i seem to have stoped and can't start again and i have no idea why but heres my last poem i wrote i was writen about 5 months b4 i met my husbend!

Why is it always me who gets hurt?
My heart is in a million pieces,
Over someone who evidently doesn’t love me!
Why do I fall so hard so fast?
It’s me, who gets hurt not them,
so why not just hide somewhere no one can ever hurt me again!
If it weren’t for guys then I’d be condemned to my room’
Lying on my bed at home wishing for something or someone,
I could never have!
I want to see heaven but all I’m seeing is hell!

 

[Rybka]

hi i need some feed back on my writing i seem to have stoped and can't start again and i have no idea why but heres my last poem i wrote i was writen about 5 months b4 i met my husbend!

First, welcome to the Literotica poetry forum. New contributors are always welcome. Generally when a writer wants a critique on a work they start a new thread and place it there. This helps to keep the thread topics from becoming all jumbled up (at least for awhile).

When you do ask for feedback, be sure that you want it. Most of the regular posters give constructive criticism, and even those (like me) who may make negative comments do so only about the work. No one makes personal negative attacks. Please be sure to remember this. If you think that you must defend or explain a poem then it is probably not ready for display to others.

A good rule to follow is to put a new poem aside until you can read it objectively, that is, until you can read it dispassionately, as if someone else had written it. If, at that time, you still like it and see nothing that you wish to change, then it is ready to be shown to the world.

Whatever happens, remember to keep writing and reading. That is the only way to improve, and everyone always has room to grow.

Regards, Rybka

 

[champagne1982]

hi i need some feed back on my writing i seem to have stoped and can't start again and i have no idea why[...]

Do you want feedback? Would you like an edit? What do you want help with here?

Your verse is jumbled and rambling. I suggest you read it through and decide what you want to do with it before you present it to the forum for critique.

If all you want is to have your poem read, then submit it, someone will read it, I promise. If you are serious about feedback and critique then get serious about the writing. You will get back what you put in.

Otherwise, what the fish said hold's water.

 

[_Land]

Why is it always me who gets hurt?
My heart is in a million pieces,
Over someone who evidently doesn’t love me!
Why do I fall so hard so fast?
It’s me, who gets hurt not them,
so why not just hide somewhere no one can ever hurt me again!
If it weren’t for guys then I’d be condemned to my room’
Lying on my bed at home wishing for something or someone,
I could never have!
I want to see heaven but all I’m seeing is hell!
[/B]

Dearest lovegirl, first and foremost this is possibly the outline for a poem, but a poem it is not........poetry by definition is a story told, with out telling the story. You have displayed emotion and then more emotion, but have you made the reader feel that emotion? The quest in poetry is to enlighten the reader, not the writer. This little pharagraph was probably a burdon off your chest, we have all written stuff like this. I wrote a lot of it, you can read some of my earlier postings they would attest to that. That didnt make them poetic. Now if you were to take these base feelings, and replace them with metaphors, you would begin to nudge the edges of poetry.

Be encouraged, this is where it starts.



_Land

 

[champagne1982]

archived elsewhere...

 

[echoes_s]

Not too sure about this

It’s coming.
How can one compare the two?

Berries of crescent,
white innocence
freckled impishly.

He enters sinister,
beyond bitter,
boding evil.

Children giggling,
eyes peeking,
tiny hands shaking,
pressing and squeezing.
Mommy can we?
Just one please?
Paper tearing…

Door crashing!
Voices crying
arms rose to protect
fists rose to project
rage uncontrolled
as he strolled like Santa
with presents trampled at his feet.


I don't care for the first two lines, but it's tied in the the poem...perhaps it isn't needed because of the last two lines though. I am a bit emotionally close to this so still hard to step away to look at it rationally. Some input would be of help.
Thank you.

echoes_s


http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=280402

 

[echoes_s]

Complex Christmas

It's coming again
but to compare
the two complexities

Berries of crescent,
white innocence
freckled impishly.

He enters sinister,
beyond bitter,
boding evil.

Children giggling,
eyes peeking,
tiny hands shaking,
pressing and squeezing.
Mommy can we?
Just one please?
Paper tearing…

Door crashing!
Voices in peril.
arms rose to protect
fists rose to project
rage uncontrolled
Flaring as he assumes Santa
trumpeting presents about his feet.