Poetry Feedback

[darthjser]

Hi everyone,

I would like viewers to read, “Milk.”
The links is here, http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=219012

Feedback would be welcome.

Do let me know if you are a woman or a guy as different genders would see it differently.
Any thoughts or “actions” that follow is open to the reader and I would like to read it. Private emails can be sent if the person leans on the “shy” side.

Any critique on how it can be made better would be most welcome and appreciated.


Regards,


Jeffrey

 

[wildsweetone]

hi Jeffrey,

milk in coffee! i've heard of such a concept.

okay, how straight up do you want my words...

wait, i'm no good at this, so instead, i'll ask you some questions. if you want to improve, then you have to do the work. *smile*

1. is there a reason for you to capitalise each new line?

2. do you know how many times you used the word 'this' in your poem?

3. purring, to me, indicates a metaphor. is there any way you can increase the cat references through the poem? i.e., if she were a cat, what features, what actions would be cat-like that could be used within the writing?

4. is there any use for periods in this poem?

how's that for something to go on with? i hope i've helped a little.

i sure wish i could write a poem with length like yours.

i hope you share some more of your writing, Jeffrey. and this place is a great place to learn. welcome aboard.

 

[wildsweetone]

oh yeah, i'm a woman.

 

[flyguy69]

oh yeah, i'm a woman.

Oh yeah, you're a woman!

 

[bogusbrig]

oh yeah, i'm a woman.

Prove it.

 

[wildsweetone]

do i need to?

lol

shucks you guys, you coulda given darthjser some feedback ya know.

if you had one thing you would choose to discuss about this particular poem, to help the author, what would it be?

 

[bogusbrig]

do i need to?

lol

shucks you guys, you coulda given darthjser some feedback ya know.

if you had one thing you would choose to discuss about this particular poem, to help the author, what would it be?

Read, read, read, edit and revise. There is no quick solution to a process that is ongoing. I think you get to a point where you abandon a poem or at least I do.

The poet is describing a scene and not experiencing it and communicating it to us with his own unique voice. He needs to replace the cliches with his own voice and so bring his unique vision to the reader.

 

[wildsweetone]

hmm i think he's experiencing it, but you're not at that's more like the point you are making, right?

 

[darthjser]

Hi Wildsweetone,

Thank you for the feedback and critique.

I capitalize letters with each new line because I was taught that in elementary school to begin a capital letter with a new line.

I looked through the poem and found that I used the word, “this” 6 times.

Maybe I could add this in,
Her arousal grows, wetness forming in between her legs
Tongue moves past her lips, arching her back –

Fingering my pecker, wanton and lust
Heat arises, tools curling

Periods had been used to partition a sentence.


Regards,


Jeffrey

 

[Rybka]

Hi Wildsweetone,

Thank you for the feedback and critique.

I capitalize letters with each new line because I was taught that in elementary school to begin a capital letter with a new line.
. . .

darthjser, you are no longer in grade school. Caps at the start of each line, especially if the new line does not start a new sentence, are not madatory in modern poetry. Punctuation is also more variable than with prose. For instance, sometimes Line or stanza breaks are used to indicate pauses or stops rather than commas or periods.



Regards, Rybka

 

[jthserra]

Wow, a lot to talk about here.

I think as a poem, what you have written will make a good illustration of what I thick is the biggest problem that new writers have with poetry. But, before I step into the show versus tell of poetry, I want to touch a bit on POV... point of view.

Now, this is a sneaky one... point of view. It's a mistake a lot of us make, a lot of excellent poets will sometimes loose focus and suddenly we wonder who is telling us this poem.

"Purring she comes to me,
Rubbing my chest and my tummy"

Okay, you've set the point of view... "...she comes to me," ah... me, me is who is narrating here, it is happening to me.

"Fingernails snake across this belly"

Wait a minute... "...this belly" what belly? this belly? Whose belly is that? Wildsweetone touched on this... but it is not just the overuse of "this", you have suddenly lost focus... "...she comes to me" If she comes to me, then her fingernails must snake across my (first person singular) belly, not "this" (third person) belly.

Of course, when you change all those thises to mys suddenly the poem will be... my belly, my muscular thighs, my 12" long ruler and so on... You can work on that later, at least the same voice is speaking throughout the poem... Me.

Okay, here is the tough part... where aspiring poets will write either poetry or prosody. It something most of us has heard and may of us has said again and again over the time we have written.

In the poem, you are telling me what happens:

"Tickling my inner thighs,
As she licks that cherry and nibbles it
Aroma of coffee fills the morning air

Embracing my lover, I tell her of my love
Erection that juts out proclaims this truth"

Beyond a timing problem here, where you are erect and then three or four lines later, suddenly limp and then quickly erect again, the real problem is that basically you are just telling me about a sex scene, not showing me the emotion, the sensation.

In the lines above, the best line is "Aroma of coffee fills the morning air" here you have given me a connection. I am drawn in by the fragrance.


"Lengthening and growing,
No sign of stopping
Her hands massage my balls
Carefully and gently,
Urging this cum"

Here you are just describing what she is doing... I can picture it but am not really engaged.

"A blur of length, growing
to her motion, softness
gentle fingers massage
then squeeze, my balls
tighten as she urges me."

Not necessarily what you might want in the poem, but I have tried to show what was happening, the motion, sensations lost in the blur of arousal.


"My eyes close tight as a rainbow appears
Colors of different hue,
Beauty beyond splendor

The heaven shake as all went white"

Ah... there you go... like Camelot, for a brief time you have experienced somthing very good.

Then in the closing lines you are back telling me again. You've danced the words a bit, but it's just telling me...

Perhaps:

"She sips her coffee
then shares the cup
the dark warmth mixed
with an odd twinge
a salty taste of me
still lingering from her lips."

Again, not necessarily what you were looking for, but I try to step away from the straight descriptions: she does this, then that.

One area where you added some sensation to the poem:

"Her laugh is like the jingle of bells
Slow and musical,
Doubling over as if it was a joke"

The jingle of bells here, even though slow and musical, didn't seem to fit for me. But it was a departure from the telling, doing a little bit of showing...


You'll hear it said again and again... show don't tell. Truly it is a cliche and yet it still aptly describes a problem in many poems. As poets we want to impart the emotion, sensation and feeling of an event, rather than just tell the reader what happened first, then next, etc. Flowery as we can make our language, if we merely tell what happens we lose the impact that great poetry has.

Think about it, pick up an anthology of poetry and read. Read the poems that impresses other poets and look not just at what the poet is saying, but at how the poet is saying it.


Well, those are my thoughts... I think a bit of focus and expand on the sensations... show me what you and her are feeling, like you did in a number of your lines, expand on those and you'll draw your reader into your work.

jim : )

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Jim, I want to thank you for that post. It's filled with excellent advices for all new poets.

 

[bluerains]

jim..

Jim, I want to thank you for that post. It's filled with excellent advices for all new poets.

I whole hearted agree with L...you really ...are one of the few poets I look up to...You have a great gift...we thank you...

 

[darthjser]

Hi Jim,

Thank you for the feedback and critique.
I found it most helpful as there had been quite a number of areas I surely did need to improve on.

The belly had been vague and I will be careful to make the words precise.

Quote, "A blur of length, growing
to her motion, softness
gentle fingers massage
then squeeze, my balls
tighten as she urges me."

This is beautiful and written in poetry style.
I had always used capital letters when starting a new line as my teacher taught me in school.
However it is true that that happened long ago and it was elementary and high school.
I did two business degrees in University and had not been acquainted with writing poetry. Until recently, I felt that writing poetry helps in describing scenes that were beautiful and has aesthetic quality in it.

Quote, "She sips her coffee
then shares the cup
the dark warmth mixed
with an odd twinge
a salty taste of me
still lingering from her lips."

I really like this for it speaks to me of a sensation and more importantly, flowing words that are not edgy.


Regards,


Jeffrey