Poetic Comedy - comic poets

[Guest]

They're out there. What, who, which do you recommend?

Tom Lehrer

A Christmas Carol


Christmas time is here, by golly,
Disapproval would be folly.
Deck the halls with hunks of holly,
Fill the cup and don't say when.

Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens,
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens.
Even though the prospect sickens,
Brother, here we go again.

On Christmas Day you can't get sore,
Your fellow man you must adore.
There's time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four.

Relations, sparing no expense, 'll
Send some useless old utensil,
Or a matching pen and pencil.
("Just the thing I need, how nice!")

It doesn't matter how sincere it is,
Nor how heart felt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it,
What's important is the price.

Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest ye merry merchants,
May ye make the Yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high,
Tell us to go out and buy!

So, let the raucous sleighbells jingle,
Hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle,
Driving his reindeer across the sky.
Don't stand underneath when they fly by.

 

[ewopper]

do you want us to post comic poems??

 

[WickedEve]

i feel like i'm stepping on agne's toes, but i'm going with a billy poem--first billy poem I ever read. The last two strophes are humorous.

Introduction to Poetry
Billy Collins

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to waterski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.

 

[Tzara]

Two by Alexander Pope

You Know Where You Did Despise

You know where you did despise
(Tother day) my little Eyes,
Little Legs, and little Thighs,
And some things, of little Size,
You know where.

You, tis true, have fine black eyes,
Taper legs, and tempting Thighs,
Yet what more than all we prize
Is a Thing of little Size,
You know where.


On the Collar of a Dog

I am his Highness’ dog at Kew;
Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?

 

[Guest]

do you want us to post comic poems??

yes.

 

[Guest]

i feel like i'm stepping on agne's toes, but i'm going with a billy poem--first billy poem I ever read. The last two strophes are humorous.

Introduction to Poetry
Billy Collins

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to waterski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.

agnes posts here???

P.S. I love this!

 

[Guest]

You Know Where You Did Despise

You know where you did despise
(Tother day) my little Eyes,
Little Legs, and little Thighs,
And some things, of little Size,
You know where.

You, tis true, have fine black eyes,
Taper legs, and tempting Thighs,
Yet what more than all we prize
Is a Thing of little Size,
You know where.

He was a bit of a lad, wasn't he.

On the Collar of a Dog

I am his Highness’ dog at Kew;
Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?

 

[Angeline]

i feel like i'm stepping on agne's toes, but i'm going with a billy poem--first billy poem I ever read. The last two strophes are humorous.

Introduction to Poetry
Billy Collins

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to waterski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.

You realize I have exclusive rights to post that poem at this forum, and I like to exercise them three or four times a year if you recall. I'll give up the current seasonal posting rights to you because I like you. Don't do it again.

Agnes

 

[WickedEve]

You realize I have exclusive rights to post that poem at this forum, and I like to exercise them three or four times a year if you recall. I'll give up the current seasonal posting rights to you because I like you. Don't do it again.

Agnes

Hi Agnes.

 

[Angeline]

Lest We Forget Our Own

the maychless karmadog:

The Hallmark Quickie
by karmadog ©

Our lips met in a blue alcohol blaze
and the bartender suggested, “Get a room. Change your ways.”
So we rushed from the bar leaving other couples trampled
to tryst in the parking lot (couldn’t get to the car).
Fuddled minds seem to think, subtract thirty people
three walls and one prude
add fifteen cars, It’s time to get nude!

I lifted her skirt emboldened by scotch.
and found pantyhose with a reinforced crotch.
But what’s made by Man may be unmade by me.
With a rip, an entrance to a hole much sweeter.
I turned her around to admire her globes
She bent at the waist and I gave each a smack
The foreplay completed, I sought out her crack.

Flesh slapping flesh drew eyes from the dumpster.
Tiny whiskers atwitter each time I humped her
Unnoticed they watched and washed filthy faces
then returned to their meal of free beer and bar food.
Round the corner drove a pickup maybe a Dodge.
But Mary and I, we continued to fuck
What could I do? Waddle away like a duck?

I must say that Mary was a hell of a dame
She kept her hips pumping until we both came.
The folks in the Dodge applauded and honked
while I did my best Bogey and lit up two smokes.
Some might have hidden their faces in shame,
but since that night when we stood our ground
Mary and I haven’t paid for a round.

I’ve mended my ways, now that I’m grown.
When I’m by the dumpster, I only get blown.

 

[Angeline]

Hi Agnes.

This may be the beginning of a new alt for me. Agnes.

http://www.mathstat.dal.ca/~dilcher/agnes.jpg

Who wouldn't want her?

 

[WickedEve]

This may be the beginning of a new alt for me. Agnes.

http://www.mathstat.dal.ca/~dilcher/agnes.jpg

Who wouldn't want her?

She looks... sturdy.

 

[Angeline]

She looks... sturdy.

She's a "dome."

 

[ewopper]

yes.

ok great

 

[ewopper]

When She Spreads her Legs

She's As Lovely As Can Be
Dressed In Sexy Clothes
Skirt A Wispy Thin Mini
With Black Sexy Pantyhose

And When She Bends Over
Revealing Sexy Thong
You Feel The Heat All Over
As Emotions Grow Hot And Strong

But When The Lady Spreads Her Legs
This Exotic Lovely One
She Could Make A Blind Man Beg
And Make A Dead Man Cum

This Lady Is So Sexy
From Sensuous Toe To Lovely Head
A Vivacious Vision Of Ecstasy
When The Lady Spreads Her Legs

H. Wilson

 

[ewopper]

The Halloween Bang

Although Halloween is long gone I though some of you might still enjoy this

I WAS WALKING PAST A CASTLE HALLOWEEN NIGHT
WHEN MY EYES BEHLD AN AROUSING SIGHT
FOR OUT ON THE CASTLE LAWN
ELVIRA AND FRANKENSTEIN WERE GETTING IT ON

FRANKIE HAD EL IN THE DOGGY POSITION
AND SHE WAS SCREAMING DO ME IN A RENDITION
OF OOOHS AND AHHS AND YES YES YES
DO IT FRANKIE DO IT, YOU DO IT THE BEST

FRANKIE'S EYES WERE ROLLING ROUND IN HIS HEAD
AS THEY BOUNCED ON THE LAWN LIKE IT WAS A WATERBED
ELVIRA FLIPPED FRANKIE OVER ON HIS BACK
AS SHE SCREAMED... YES!!! FRANKIE YES!!! STUFF MY CRACK!!

FRANKIE PUSHED IT IN AND HE PULLED IT OUT
ELVIRA SCREAMED, OH YES, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
PUSH THAT LOG , WAY UP IN MY HOLE
DO IT FRANKIE; PUSH THAT POLE

FRANKIE PUMPED IT IN HER, HARD AND LONG
CAUSING ELVIRA, TO MOAN AND GROAN
AS HER BODY SPASMED IN DELIGHT
SHE SAID OHHHH YES FRANKIE, YOU DO IT RIGHT

FRANKIE'S ROD STARTED TO CONVULSE AND THROB
ELVIRA SCREAMED, YES FRANKIE SHOOT YOUR WAD
FRANKIE SHOT A LOAD SO HIGH
ELVIRA WENT FLYING INTO THE SKY

HER ORGASMING BODY INTO ORBIT WENT FLYING
ALL AROUND THE WORLD THEY COULD HEAR HER SIGHING
SHE LANDED LIGHTLY BY FRANKIE'S SIDE
COOING ...OHHH BABY THANKS FOR THE RIDE

H. WILSON

 

[mojo_cat]

When I saw "comedic poetry" I instantly thought of one of the best wordplay artists ever, Ogden Nash. Here's one of his best, Just Keep Quiet And Nobody Will Notice

And Yay, Tom Lehrer!! His "Wernher von Braun" is one of my all-time faves.

Gather 'round while I sing you of Wernher von Braun,
A man whose allegiance
Is ruled by expedience.
Call him a Nazi, he won't even frown,
"Ha, Nazi, Schmazi," says Wernher von Braun.

Don't say that he's hypocritical,
Say rather that he's apolitical.
"Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down?
That's not my department," says Wernher von Braun.

Some have harsh words for this man of renown,
But some think our attitude
Should be one of gratitude,
Like the widows and cripples in old London town,
Who owe their large pensions to Wernher von Braun.

You too may be a big hero,
Once you've learned to count backwards to zero.
"In German oder English I know how to count down,
Und I'm learning Chinese!" says Wernher von Braun.

 

[Tzara]

OK, OK. I love Kenneth Koch and I think he is extemely funny. So check out this audio link, particularly where he is reading from his 1000 Avante Garde Plays. For my money, they are hilarious, but you decide.

Alternatively, check out Koch in a live poetry duel with Allen Ginsberg on the theme of Popeye and William Blake Fight to the Death. O, those wacky poets!

Merry, uh, somethin' or other.

tz

 

[Angeline]

OK, OK. I love Kenneth Koch and I think he is extemely funny. So check out this audio link, particularly where he is reading from his 1000 Avante Garde Plays. For my money, they are hilarious, but you decide.

Alternatively, check out Koch in a live poetry duel with Allen Ginsberg on the theme of Popeye and William Blake Fight to the Death. O, those wacky poets!

Merry, uh, somethin' or other.

tz

I was there. For the Koch/Ginsberg duel. Really. I was a little kid and my wacky aunt took me and her children. For years I went to that annual reading at St. Marks in the Bowery. It was the best way to spend New Year's Eve.

 

[Tzara]

I was there. For the Koch/Ginsberg duel. Really. I was a little kid and my wacky aunt took me and her children. For years I went to that annual reading at St. Marks in the Bowery. It was the best way to spend New Year's Eve.

Now, now, Agnes. You're just trying to make me love you more--and me a married man!

And 'specially that Lady Day look. O, I swoon.

 

[Angeline]

Now, now, Agnes. You're just trying to make me love you more--and me a married man!

And 'specially that Lady Day look. O, I swoon.

Lady Day makes me swoon, too.

I drew that. Senna Jawa suggested I try Microsoft Paint to illustrate poems a few years ago--he was the first one here to do it--and that was the first thing I ever drew on the computer. If it's larger you can see how bad it really looks. lol.

And I never got to see Ted Berrigan read at St. Mark's. Lots of great poets, but no Ted. Sigh. Have you ever been? I wonder if they still have those all-night poetry readings on New Year's Eve. (I suppose I could check...)

 

[Tzara]

Lady Day makes me swoon, too.

I drew that. Senna Jawa suggested I try Microsoft Paint to illustrate poems a few years ago--he was the first one here to do it--and that was the first thing I ever drew on the computer. If it's larger you can see how bad it really looks. lol.

And I never got to see Ted Berrigan read at St. Mark's. Lots of great poets, but no Ted. Sigh. Have you ever been? I wonder if they still have those all-night poetry readings on New Year's Eve. (I suppose I could check...)

Let me be backwards, as usual.

I live on the wrong coast for poets an' such. I suppose I could have seen Ted Roethke, Jim Wright, Dick Hugo, Ray Carver--probably could still see David Wagoner or Tess Gallagher--but out here in the hinterlands we don't have such direct access to the lights of the literary wurld.

But, then, we have (pretty) clean air and real mountains.

Your AV, if you will permit me to say, is wonderful. Perhaps, as you imply, better in miniature than in larger relief. As it is it is stylized and lovely.

A'course, I believe the majority of us guys would probably, if it came to a vote, overwhelmingly suggest you put up your own boob AV along with Eve and anna.

I myself remain politically neutral on this important issue.

Nice poem, by the way. I have Ms. Day on the player right now. Not 'zactly Christmas music, but pleasant nonetheless.

 

[Angeline]

Let me be backwards, as usual.

I live on the wrong coast for poets an' such. I suppose I could have seen Ted Roethke, Jim Wright, Dick Hugo, Ray Carver--probably could still see David Wagoner or Tess Gallagher--but out here in the hinterlands we don't have such direct access to the lights of the literary wurld.

But, then, we have (pretty) clean air and real mountains.

Your AV, if you will permit me to say, is wonderful. Perhaps, as you imply, better in miniature than in larger relief. As it is it is stylized and lovely.

A'course, I believe the majority of us guys would probably, if it came to a vote, overwhelmingly suggest you put up your own boob AV along with Eve and anna.

I myself remain politically neutral on this important issue.

Nice poem, by the way. I have Ms. Day on the player right now. Not 'zactly Christmas music, but pleasant nonetheless.

Oh now I hear it's a pretty good coast for poetry. eagleyez is originally from San Francisco, and he got to see Bukowski and Gary Snyder read among others. And I had you pegged for a New Yorker--just goes to show how good I am at reading people.

Given the reaction I got simply for posting a Picasso boob av once, I tend to agree with you. And your neutrality is um courageous, discretionwise and all. Anyway Anna and Eve had a matching set. Three would be, well, mutant.

Anyone who has the good taste to recognize that any time of year is right for Billie deserves a Christmas present. You'll love it. Enjoy.

 

[Tzara]

This is a selection from Mots d'heures: Gousses, Rames, also known as the d'Antin Manuscript, annotated by Luis d'Antin van Rooten:

Lille¹ beau pipe
Ocelot serre chypre
En douzaine aux verres tuf indemne
Livre de melons un dé huile qu-aux mômes
Eau à guigne d'air telle baie indemne.²​

¹Lille is one of the great industrial cities of France and must be assumed to be the residence of this little poem.
²We are dealing with a chemist or alchemist, since this can't be anything but a recipe for an ointment or perfume of doubtful magical qualities. The scent sac of an ocelot which produces a disturbingly penetrating odor is squeezed with a quantity of chypre (which ditto) in a dozen containers of flawless volcanic glass. To this is added a pound of melons, a thimbleful of oil (½ oz.), a sweet cherry and the fragrance of unspoiled berries, any kind will do. The verse, unfortunately, gives no clue as to its application. We must, of course, suspect an aphrodisiac.

 

[Tzara]

OK. I have referenced this one before. Bear with me.

Its another poem that I love and that I think is pretty funny. But then my favorite joke starts out Why does the chicken cross the road?

What can I say? I'm simple minded.

The poem in question here is based on a painting by Paolo Uccello: St. George and the Dragon c. 1460. Oil on canvas. National Gallery, London, UK:

Not my Best Side
U. A. Fanthorpe

I

Not my best side, I'm afraid.
The artist didn't give me a chance to
Pose properly, and as you can see,
Poor chap, he had this obsession with
Triangles, so he left off two of my
Feet. I didn't comment at the time
(What, after all, are two feet
To a monster?) but afterwards
I was sorry for the bad publicity.
Why, I said to myself, should my conqueror
Be so ostentatiously beardless, and ride
A horse with a deformed neck and square hoofs?
Why should my victim be so
Unattractive as to be inedible,
And why should she have me literally
On a string? I don't mind dying
Ritually, since I always rise again,
But I should have liked a little more blood
To show they were taking me seriously.

II

It's hard for a girl to be sure if
She wants to be rescued. I mean, I quite
Took to the dragon. It's nice to be
Liked, if you know what I mean. He was
So nicely physical, with his claws
And lovely green skin, and that sexy tail,
And the way he looked at me,
He made me feel he was all ready to
Eat me. And any girl enjoys that.
So when this boy turned up, wearing machinery,
On a really dangerous horse, to be honest
I didn't much fancy him. I mean,
What was he like underneath the hardware?
He might have acne, blackheads or even
Bad breath for all I could tell, but the dragon--
Well, you could see all his equipment
At a glance. Still, what could I do?
The dragon got himself beaten by the boy,
And a girl's got to think of her future.

III

I have diplomas in Dragon
Management and Virgin Reclamation.
My horse is the latest model, with
Automatic transmission and built-in
Obsolescence. My spear is custom-built,
And my prototype armour
Still on the secret list. You can't
Do better than me at the moment.
I'm qualified and equipped to the
Eyebrow. So why be difficult?
Don't you want to be killed and/or rescued
In the most contemporary way? Don't
You want to carry out the roles
That sociology and myth have designed for you?
Don't you realize that, by being choosy,
You are endangering job prospects
In the spear- and horse-building industries?
What, in any case, does it matter what
You want? You're in my way.