Poem?

[echoes_s]

Only this

i am the storm
barraging emotions
intrusive, trashing peace
twisting comfort
gusting assurity of being

my eyes and face
where my heart
engraves it’s reflection
throughout
transparent for all to read

my fingers current
flowing constantly
then flashes
an unstable storm
clustered masses exploding

my heart crying
confusion, pain, fear
misunderstanding
vulnerability, all expression
looking back at you
understanding

only
this…

That i cannot continue
to hurt you this way
emotional outbursts,
triggers,
all new
i am not giving you peace

i must withdraw
damage corrodes
trust slowly
evaporates
more pain even if whispered

i only wish you so much peace
joy, artistic and creative, being
completely who you are
laughter, teasing
my ashamed and utter apology

 

[tungtied2u]

Only this

i am the storm
barraging emotions
intrusive, trashing peace
twisting comfort
gusting assurity of being

my eyes and face
where my heart
engraves it’s reflection
throughout
transparent for all to read

my fingers current
flowing constantly
then flashes
an unstable storm
clustered masses exploding

my heart crying
confusion, pain, fear
misunderstanding
vulnerability, all expression
looking back at you
understanding

only
this…

That i cannot continue
to hurt you this way
emotional outbursts,
triggers,
all new
i am not giving you peace

i must withdraw
damage corrodes
trust slowly
evaporates
more pain even if whispered

i only wish you so much peace
joy, artistic and creative, being
completely who you are
laughter, teasing
my ashamed and utter apology

Damn right it's a poem, and a very powerful one at that.
Hope writing it has helped you through the pain.

 

[jthserra]

Only this

i am the storm
barraging emotions
intrusive, trashing peace
twisting comfort
gusting assurity of being

my eyes and face
where my heart
engraves it’s reflection
throughout
transparent for all to read

my fingers current
flowing constantly
then flashes
an unstable storm
clustered masses exploding

my heart crying
confusion, pain, fear
misunderstanding
vulnerability, all expression
looking back at you
understanding

only
this…

That i cannot continue
to hurt you this way
emotional outbursts,
triggers,
all new
i am not giving you peace

i must withdraw
damage corrodes
trust slowly
evaporates
more pain even if whispered

i only wish you so much peace
joy, artistic and creative, being
completely who you are
laughter, teasing
my ashamed and utter apology

A poem, definitely...

The first three stanzas work with a storm metaphor, which I think if you tighten it up a bit it will enhance the poem. The poem expresses emotions well, if you can carry your storm metaphor through these emotions through the rest of the poem, it will tie it all together. When working the metaphor though the poem, play with every word, searching for words with double meaning... surge (emotional flow... versus storm surge, etc.), supporting the metaphor wherever possible.

I think if you focus your emotions through the storm this poem will surge... See what you think.


jim : )

 

[twelveoone]

Poem!
I agree with jim, but would take care not to over-do.
I would take it word by word, does it say what you want, does it support what you want to say, does it sound right?
I think there is an uniqueness here, I would retain it. I'm not sure if you want to highten the constrast in the two sections.

"my heart crying
confusion, pain, fear
misunderstanding
vulnerability, all expression
looking back at you
understanding"
You may want to develop this as either a transistion, or merely stick a short line before it to maintain a nice balance between first three and last three stanzas.
Get the outburst all on one side, realization in middle, sorrow and apology at the other side.
Poem!, how dare you ask.
I assume "I am the Storm" is the opening line, this needs to be better.
Closing line is fine.

 

[echoes_s]

Thank you Tt, Jim, twelveoone, I worked on it a bit more and am putting it away for now, it still needs more work. Here's what I have so far

only this

a raucous storm
barraging emotions
shrill intrusive,
trashing peace
twisting comfort
gusting assurity of being

my fingers current
flowing constantly
then flashes
an unstable explosion
clustered masses
ignition
unsteady shaking

my heart
crying confusion,
swelling pain,
shivered fear
misunderstanding
vulnerability,
naked
begging direction,
understanding
anything

please...

my eyes and face
where my heart
engraves it’s reflection
opaque although
transparent to see
rays of sun
bursting through cloud
dark, grayed,
age broken
weakness betrayed

knowing
only
this…

That i cannot continue
to hurt you
emotional outbursts,
brewed tidal waves
heaving, tornadoes,
overwhelmed
how it destroys peace

i must withdraw
damage corrodes
trust slowly
wilts, gasping
acidic brevity
evaporates
contamination
expropriates tranquility
whispered more pain

i only wish
you so much peace
joy, artistic
creative, being
complete
laughter, teasing
assured
honesty…

ashamed
my utter apology

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

I definitely have to agree with all here. This is a very powerful piece. I don't see any work to be done, but I know how we are such perfectionists when it comes to our work. No question mark behind that poem. It IS!


Christina

 

[jthserra]

Yes, I think a step in the right direction

Thank you Tt, Jim, twelveoone, I worked on it a bit more and am putting it away for now, it still needs more work. Here's what I have so far

only this

a raucous storm
barraging emotions
shrill intrusive,
trashing peace
twisting comfort
gusting assurity of being

my fingers current
flowing constantly
then flashes
an unstable explosion
clustered masses
ignition
unsteady shaking

my heart
crying confusion,
swelling pain,
shivered fear
misunderstanding
vulnerability,
naked
begging direction,
understanding
anything

please...

my eyes and face
where my heart
engraves it’s reflection
opaque although
transparent to see
rays of sun
bursting through cloud
dark, grayed,
age broken
weakness betrayed

knowing
only
this…

That i cannot continue
to hurt you
emotional outbursts,
brewed tidal waves
heaving, tornadoes,
overwhelmed
how it destroys peace

i must withdraw
damage corrodes
trust slowly
wilts, gasping
acidic brevity
evaporates
contamination
expropriates tranquility
whispered more pain

i only wish
you so much peace
joy, artistic
creative, being
complete
laughter, teasing
assured
honesty…

ashamed
my utter apology

Yes, definitely a step in the right direction, extending the storm metaphor helps tie the poem together. Something that you might want to look at is the ...ings. I think you can make your lines that much more powerful if you limit your use of the ing endings...

for example:

"a raucous storm
barraging emotions
shrill intrusive,
trashing peace
twisting comfort
gusting assurity of being"

I wonder if you tweaked your words a bit to:

"a raucous storm
barrages my emotions
its shrill intrusion,
trashes peace        or perhaps thrashes in lieu of trashes
twists comfort
gusts my assurity of being"

Perhaps a bit extreme chaning all the ings, but I think a healthy trim of ings will make the poem that much more active. Think about it some and when you come back to this one (and you definitely want to keep this one at the top of your stack) think about the ings. Read it out loud and see if it does what you want.


it is a joy to look deeper into your words...

jim : )

 

[twelveoone]

"you definitely want to keep this one at the top of your stack"
I totally agree with Jim, this one may be tough to edit, with two different emotional states, and a realization in the middle. As is it has value, as can be...
Think of this, most poetry focuses on one fucking dumb moment. Most would focus on that realization point, and write the beginning and the end to support that. Avoid it, you have a highly active poem, or if you want to look at it, three poems, the middle taking you from the first to the last.
You don't want to lose that.
Does this make sense?

I wish you the best of luck on this