Poem - People In That Order

[Some Moron]

Critique welcome. I do not know much about wiriting poetry, but learning!

People In That Order

When tonight comes I wake up to the same avenue,
Many strange things Make me know I am not awaking,
Standing,
Starring,
I do not want to run inside to the little house on the countryside,
It is broken in rejection so I fell upon my knees and cried.

Walked up to the back and ran my fingers across the sideboard,
Felt the cracks they were feeling older,
One after the other,
This little world was the only place that I called mine,
Even though in decline,
Yet I still want to run away from its clutches that had a hold on me,
Yet looking inside the people in that order are the absentee,
If I look in all the rooms I can find out what it meant to me.

Abhorred it sheltered me,
All I find are piles of old debris,
I can't complain if I woke up to this nightmare and now I am all alone,
I am going through these rooms and do not see what I called home,
Broken,
Beaten,
I am left to this on my own.

See the large holes on these walls and these voids tiles,
In the midst of the mountainside I am lagging behind,
While the ghosts walk away,
I am left to do the rest on my own,
The people in that order left me with nobody.
Still if I work until the morn,
It will become what it used to be.

Abhorred it sheltered me,
Now it stares back in black debris,
Then explain the people in that order who went out and left me all alone,
It will be known it is the place that I called home,
Under that colf headstone dreaming you left us on our own.

 

[bogusbrig]

In general I like the style and what you are trying to do, probably because you are treading on my territory. However, if you are going to write like you are having what I parodoxically call a 'conversational monologue', you are trying to be too poetic in places. Forget you are writing poetry and just write and edit into the format you think works best.

I'll take another look later when I have more time and pick out some examples of where I think you are defeating yourself.

 

[Some Moron]

In general I like the style and what you are trying to do, probably because you are treading on my territory. However, if you are going to write like you are having what I parodoxically call a 'conversational monologue', you are trying to be too poetic in places. Forget you are writing poetry and just write and edit into the format you think works best.

I'll take another look later when I have more time and pick out some examples of where I think you are defeating yourself.

Okay, great, I could use all the help I can get. Not that I want an editor, but a push in the right direction...

Thanks a lot.

 

[bogusbrig]

People In That Order

When tonight comes I wake up to the same avenue,
Many strange things Make me know I am not awaking,
(Would be worth illustrating at least one of the many strange things. Your line is too vague and uninteresting)

Standing,
Starring,
I do not want to run inside to the little house on the countryside
(Again a very vague and uninteresting line. Why don't you want to run inside. Create an image that reflects this feeling)
It is broken in rejection so I fell upon my knees and cried.
(Describe how it is broken in rejection. Vivid images, whether surreal or not stimulates the reader's imagination)

Walked up to the back and ran my fingers across the sideboard,
(Again, too general)
Felt the cracks they were feeling older,
(Again an image is needed. ie. Splintered cracks of aging wood)
One after the other,
This little world was the only place that I called mine,
(Another example. This insubstantial world was my only sanctuary)
Even though in decline,
Yet I still want to run away from its clutches that had a hold on me,
(Why do you want to run away from its clutches? Again too vague)
Yet looking inside the people in that order are the absentee,
(Superfluous words ie Inside the people in that order are the absentee)
If I look in all the rooms I can find out what it meant to me.

Abhorred it sheltered me,
(Why are you abhorred it sheltered you? Again, a bland statement. Imagery!)
All I find are piles of old debris,
(What are the piles of debris or what image do they remind you of?)
I can't complain if I woke up to this nightmare and now I am all alone,
I am going through these rooms and do not see what I called home,
Broken,
Beaten,
I am left to this on my own.

See the large holes on these walls and these voids tiles,
In the midst of the mountainside I am lagging behind,
While the ghosts walk away,
I am left to do the rest on my own,
The people in that order left me with nobody.
Still if I work until the morn,
(Morn? Is that supposed to be poetic? To be consistent surely it should read: If I work until morning)
It will become what it used to be.
(Again a bland statement. Imagery needed!)

Abhorred it sheltered me,
Now it stares back in black debris,
Then explain the people in that order who went out and left me all alone,
It will be known it is the place that I called home,
Under that colf headstone dreaming you left us on our own.


I guess there is enough of my criticism there to reflect where I think your poem needs work. Imagery and straight talk. If you want to be poetic you really need to condense the whole poem down to its bare essentials.

 

[annaswirls]

Hey there, how are you?

I found this read to be intriguing, it kept my attention but i admit to becoming confused with some of the sentence structure. I am not sure if I liked it or not. But there is Definately something here worth working for.

Working on too little sleep I do not feel prepared to give a critique yet, but one thing you can start with is making sure your verb tenses are consistant, and if they are not, make sure that it is because you intentionally made the decision to have them not match.

Also think about why you chose to capitalize every line. It is neither good nor bad to do so or not, just do it with some reason. (which you very well may have, I am just throwing some things to think about out here)

If you make revisions, please post them here, I would love to see where you take this. You have an interesting way of presenting things and a definate voice.

Thanks and welcome to the Poetry Forum!


~anna

Critique welcome. I do not know much about wiriting poetry, but learning!

People In That Order

When tonight comes I wake up to the same avenue,
Many strange things Make me know I am not awaking,
Standing,
Starring,
I do not want to run inside to the little house on the countryside,
It is broken in rejection so I fell upon my knees and cried.

Walked up to the back and ran my fingers across the sideboard,
Felt the cracks they were feeling older,
One after the other,
This little world was the only place that I called mine,
Even though in decline,
Yet I still want to run away from its clutches that had a hold on me,
Yet looking inside the people in that order are the absentee,
If I look in all the rooms I can find out what it meant to me.

Abhorred it sheltered me,
All I find are piles of old debris,
I can't complain if I woke up to this nightmare and now I am all alone,
I am going through these rooms and do not see what I called home,
Broken,
Beaten,
I am left to this on my own.

See the large holes on these walls and these voids tiles,
In the midst of the mountainside I am lagging behind,
While the ghosts walk away,
I am left to do the rest on my own,
The people in that order left me with nobody.
Still if I work until the morn,
It will become what it used to be.

Abhorred it sheltered me,
Now it stares back in black debris,
Then explain the people in that order who went out and left me all alone,
It will be known it is the place that I called home,
Under that colf headstone dreaming you left us on our own.

 

[Some Moron]

Thanks for the honest answers all, I really, really appreciate it. This is definately giving me a good idea where I stand as far as wiriting this stuff goes.

I found this read to be intriguing, it kept my attention but i admit to becoming confused with some of the sentence structure.

I also admit English is not my strong suit. I may need to take an English class then get back to this. I suck at sentence structure, hehe

I'll work on it again, make some changes and see where it goes. I have my drum machine that helps with the beat... lol

 

[annaswirls]

Thanks for the honest answers all, I really, really appreciate it. This is definately giving me a good idea where I stand as far as wiriting this stuff goes.



I also admit English is not my strong suit. I may need to take an English class then get back to this. I suck at sentence structure, hehe

I'll work on it again, make some changes and see where it goes. I have my drum machine that helps with the beat... lol

Read it out loud.
Sometimes our minds read what we wanted to write, and not what is actually there. Ah the brain is one tricky motherfucker yes/no?

It is okay to suck at sentence structure. Just read it as if you are not yourself, and see how you feel about it. What would you tell the writer? Maybe tape yourself reading it. Take an English class if you wish, but you definately have something good goin on.

 

[Rybka]

Critique welcome. I do not know much about wiriting poetry, but learning!

People In That Order

When tonight comes I wake up to the same avenue,
Many strange things Make me know I am not awaking,
Standing,
Starring,
I do not want to run inside to the little house on the countryside,
It is broken in rejection so I fell upon my knees and cried.

Walked up to the back and ran my fingers across the sideboard,
Felt the cracks they were feeling older,
One after the other,
This little world was the only place that I called mine,
Even though in decline,
Yet I still want to run away from its clutches that had a hold on me,
Yet looking inside the people in that order are the absentee,
If I look in all the rooms I can find out what it meant to me.

Abhorred it sheltered me,
All I find are piles of old debris,
I can't complain if I woke up to this nightmare and now I am all alone,
I am going through these rooms and do not see what I called home,
Broken,
Beaten,
I am left to this on my own.

See the large holes on these walls and these voids tiles,
In the midst of the mountainside I am lagging behind,
While the ghosts walk away,
I am left to do the rest on my own,
The people in that order left me with nobody.
Still if I work until the morn,
It will become what it used to be.

Abhorred it sheltered me,
Now it stares back in black debris,
Then explain the people in that order who went out and left me all alone,
It will be known it is the place that I called home,
Under that colf headstone dreaming you left us on our own.

OK, I know you said you weren't looking for an editor, but errors in structure (when there is structure) and in spelling and grammar, etc. always hit me in the eye and reduce the pleasure a poem brings. In your poem above I have highlighted (in dark red) some of the words at which I feel you might want to take another look. I also think you might want to decide if you want a rhyming poem or not.

You have already gotten some good gentle and positive advice. Take it to heart. - If you want to be a writer, develop a thick skin.
Seriously, my best advice is to read, read, read, and write. In that order and about that ratio. - A very good practice for all writers (especially those that hate editors and critics) is to put a new work aside for at least a month, and only come back to it when you have enough psychic distance to read it objectively, as if it was written by someone else.

 

[Some Moron]

OK, I know you said you weren't looking for an editor, but errors in structure (when there is structure) and in spelling and grammar, etc. always hit me in the eye and reduce the pleasure a poem brings. In your poem above I have highlighted (in dark red) some of the words at which I feel you might want to take another look. I also think you might want to decide if you want a rhyming poem or not.

You have already gotten some good gentle and positive advice. Take it to heart. - If you want to be a writer, develop a thick skin.
Seriously, my best advice is to read, read, read, and write. In that order and about that ratio. - A very good practice for all writers (especially those that hate editors and critics) is to put a new work aside for at least a month, and only come back to it when you have enough psychic distance to read it objectively, as if it was written by someone else.

I was not here looking for blind pats on the back. I am new at this, and everybody starts somewhere. In my opinion, if I wanted blind praise for crap, I could have kept it myself and not posted it. How can I grow it if it is not raped, probed, taken apart and spit on? A critic makes either people grow or get defensive.

Nowhere in my post did I say "Please be gentle and lie to me". Honesty works.


Oh, and thank you for the help. I could use all the help I can get. As for not needing an editor, I said that in a sense where why edit something without getting paid? If others want to edit it, that's okay, but not necessary.

Oh now that I got some direction from some fine folks who are not afraid to say it needs help (serious help), now I can revise it, fix typos, the flow and other stuff. Revisions are like polishing a diamond, but in this case, I do not know if I am polishing a diamond or a turd. There is not much polishing one can do with a turd

 

[bogusbrig]

I do not know if I am polishing a diamond or a turd. There is not much polishing one can do with a turd

In my eyes it's definitely not a turd, it's still very rough but it can be made to shine. I think you have got something with potential and if this one doesn't rub up I'm sure your next attempt will.

I'd be interested to see what you make of it, after you've mulled over it for a time.

 

[Rybka]

. . . Revisions are like polishing a diamond, but in this case, I do not know if I am polishing a diamond or a turd. There is not much polishing one can do with a turd

Oh? look up "coprolite".
Even a turd over time can become something of value.


PS: Ask a about the value of a turd!

 

[Some Moron]

Oh? look up "coprolite".
Even a turd over time can become something of value.


PS: Ask a about the value of a turd!

lol, good point there. Off to work!

I learned a new word:

Preserved poop. By examining coprolites under a microscope, scientists can see things such as seeds, pollen grains, pieces of bone, and parasite eggs. These things can tell archaeologists a lot about the diet and health of people and animals in the past.

 

[Some Moron]

I checked out some of the poems around here, and I have to say a lot of them are really good. Indeed, I have a lot to learn. The terms and definitions alone are mind boggling. Oh and I signed up for a basic English course.

 

[twelveoone]

I smile, what you have is a start, some good directions, take every word, make it yours. You have an excellent idea, it is cluttered with too much that is not yours, i.e. "easy words", words, that you think are "poetic"
I like alot of it, needs structure, weeding.
But Damn!, I like this:
Under that colf headstone dreaming ...

I was not here looking for blind pats on the back. I am new at this, and everybody starts somewhere. In my opinion, if I wanted blind praise for crap, I could have kept it myself and not posted it. How can I grow it if it is not raped, probed, taken apart and spit on? A critic makes either people grow or get defensive.

Nowhere in my post did I say "Please be gentle and lie to me". Honesty works.


Oh, and thank you for the help. I could use all the help I can get.

AND DAMN, I like this, one more suggestion, change your name, "Some Moron" is likey to cause confusion in the marketplace.

 

[Some Moron]

it is cluttered with too much that is not yours, i.e. "easy words", words, that you think are "poetic"
I like alot of it, needs structure, weeding.

That is clear it needs weeding. However, I do not understand what you mean by "easy" words. Please elaborate?

But Damn!, I like this:
Under that colf headstone dreaming ...

I think Rybka pointed out that it was a typo. So I am assuming that's supposed to be funny. Unless "colf" is a word of somekind.

change your name, "Some Moron" is likey to cause confusion in the marketplace.

heh, I am getting enough regarding my handle being an "alt" (I did not learn that until the other day), so changing my name would cause more confusion. Perhaps "some dumb poet" would suffice? As for the poem marketplace, I have a long way to go before that is even considered.

 

[My Erotic Tale]

I am so glad I wear boots <Grin>

nice write by some moron
tighten the rope and do another <grin>

this morons looking forward to it.

 

[Some Moron]

I am so glad I wear boots <Grin>

nice write by some moron
tighten the rope and do another <grin>

this morons looking forward to it.

I am too. I am working on it right now, but having some trouble finding rhymes to fit with the flow and storyline. It is a bigger challenge than I expected. Stay tuned. It may come to fruitation or stagnate. If it does not work, I will try a whole other approach with the same title...

Thank you for stopping by. Any suggestions from your end?

 

[My Erotic Tale]

I am too. I am working on it right now, but having some trouble finding rhymes to fit with the flow and storyline. It is a bigger challenge than I expected. Stay tuned. It may come to fruitation or stagnate. If it does not work, I will try a whole other approach with the same title...

Thank you for stopping by. Any suggestions from your end?

I tried to pull up a rhyming dictionary, there are free reference ones, the two I pulled up were downloads and I know they have a bunch that need not a download, (type the word and go) ...do a small search and they could help the rhyme of the poem.

I am not qualified to critic a poem mi amigo, I did give you my insight <grin>

thanks and welcome

 

[msmiz]

I found it a very good read, and I appreciate the good imagery, but the only thing that threw me a bit was your lack of a rhyme scheme. It just seemed a bit odd when I read it aloud how random lines/stanzas rhymed while others didn't. But, other than that... I liked it. Keep writing!

 

[Some Moron]

I found it a very good read, and I appreciate the good imagery, but the only thing that threw me a bit was your lack of a rhyme scheme. It just seemed a bit odd when I read it aloud how random lines/stanzas rhymed while others didn't. But, other than that... I liked it. Keep writing!

I appreciate your insights. Thanks for reading.

 

[Some Moron]

I tried to pull up a rhyming dictionary, there are free reference ones, the two I pulled up were downloads and I know they have a bunch that need not a download, (type the word and go) ...do a small search and they could help the rhyme of the poem.

I am not qualified to critic a poem mi amigo, I did give you my insight <grin>

thanks and welcome

Since when can you not critique a poem? You read it, you get an impression from it right? Fire away, I am all for it. And yes, I appreciated your insights and look forward to more.

Also, I just found a downloadable rhyming dictionary, although not free, it has a 30 day trial, and for $35, is not a bad price at all. Yes, some may say I could get it for free elsewhere, I pay what others are entitled to if it is good software.

Anyway, time to go back and work on this. I am losing my train of thought

 

[Lauren Hynde]

www.rhymezone.com is a web-based rhyming dictionary and thesaurus. It's free and pretty thorough.

 

[Some Moron]

www.rhymezone.com is a web-based rhyming dictionary and thesaurus. It's free and pretty thorough.

Thank you for the link. I will surely look into it.

 

[My Erotic Tale]

www.rhymezone.com is a web-based rhyming dictionary and thesaurus. It's free and pretty thorough.

yes ...thanks Lauren
I will keep this as well <grin>

"S M"...meet the "Boss" lady (here/poetry)...hehe (~_~) Bows Humble <grin>

 

[Some Moron]

yes ...thanks Lauren
I will keep this as well <grin>

"S M"...meet the "Boss" lady (here/poetry)...hehe (~_~) Bows Humble <grin>

The boss?