Poem by another author

[wildsweetone]

I'm not sure if this is 'the done thing', but I was reading some of the poems this morning and saw this one:

The Sea
by DrFreud ©

A line on the shore
Between us I drew
But you are the sea
Your waves laughingly erase my efforts

Obliterating those boundaries
Destroying my resolve
Your laughter, your eyes
Permeate the cracks of my shell.


I thought it was excellent until the last line.

Does the shell fit?




To me, the subject is the 'line' that is drawn on the shore, shells simply don't come into it.

 

[Guest]

I'm uncomfortable with the second line - it's kinda awkward for a free form poem.




A line on the shore
Between us I drew (drawn between us.)
But you are the sea (drop "But")
Your waves laughingly erase my efforts

Obliterating those boundaries
Destroying my resolve
Your laughter, your eyes
Permeate the cracks of my shell.

 

[PatCarrington]

I'm not sure if this is 'the done thing', but I was reading some of the poems this morning and saw this one:

my first reaction is that it would be proper to ask the author if he/she minds his poem being discussed or workshopped on a thread.

 

[wildsweetone]

I was waiting to see if it was considered 'improper' by one of the moderators here. If it wasn't then I was going to PM Dr Freud and let him know I had brought up his poem here.

I apologise for not doing that in advance.

I'll PM him now.

 

[Guest]

my first reaction is that it would be proper to ask the author if he/she minds his poem being discussed or workshopped on a thread.

Yikes! So much for assumptions.


*gulp*

 

[wildsweetone]

In my defence before anyone jumps to conclusions, I was more asking if I'd read the poem right.

I have PMed DrFreud now and will await his thoughts.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

my first reaction is that it would be proper to ask the author if he/she minds his poem being discussed or workshopped on a thread.

My first reaction is that if a poem is posted, it's very much proper for it to be discussed.

Poetry Feedback & Discussion
Post your praise and comments about Lit poetry and poets.

 

[annaswirls]

Nothing wrong with posting another poets works here.... if you want to recommend a poem, there is always the "New Poems Review" thread, at the top of the list





welcome by the way, hope you like it here!

~anna

I'm not sure if this is 'the done thing', but I was reading some of the poems this morning and saw this one:

The Sea
by DrFreud ©

A line on the shore
Between us I drew
But you are the sea
Your waves laughingly erase my efforts

Obliterating those boundaries
Destroying my resolve
Your laughter, your eyes
Permeate the cracks of my shell.


I thought it was excellent until the last line.

Does the shell fit?




To me, the subject is the 'line' that is drawn on the shore, shells simply don't come into it.

 

[PatCarrington]

My first reaction is that if a poem is posted, it's very much proper for it to be discussed.

Poetry Feedback & Discussion
Post your praise and comments about Lit poetry and poets.

i guess.

it just seems like an easy courtesy. and there have been brouhahas in the past, one on a poem of mine (and i had no problem with it being sliced and diced), though that was not a 'posted' poem, but a poem from the january contest.

i just thought it was possible the author might take offense, especially a new author who doesn't know the ins and outs of the rules and regs....hell, i don't know them.

 

[wildsweetone]

Thanks for the welcome anna, much appreciated. And yes, I like it so far.

I have gone to recommend poems only to discover others have recommended them before me. (At least it means I am liking some good ones that others like too. lol )

...still waiting to hear from Dr Freud.

 

[Guest]

Thanks for the welcome anna, much appreciated. And yes, I like it so far.

I have gone to recommend poems only to discover others have recommended them before me. (At least it means I am liking some good ones that others like too. lol )

...still waiting to hear from Dr Freud.

he must have someone on the couch.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

i guess.

it just seems like an easy courtesy. and there have been brouhahas in the past, one on a poem of mine (and i had no problem with it being sliced and diced), though that was not a 'posted' poem, but a poem from the january contest.

i just thought it was possible the author might take offense, especially a new author who doesn't know the ins and outs of the rules and regs....hell, i don't know them.

I know. Just messin' with ya.

***

Incidently, WSO, on the first read of that poem, the final line I didn't strike me as odd. The image I got was metaphoric - both the line on the shore and the shell are emotional shields, distances, equally powerless against something as powerful as the sea, as a beautiful woman.

 

[PatCarrington]

I know. Just messin' with ya.

....well, you're doing a damn good job of it.

 

[DrFreud]

Ok ladies and gents,
thank for telling me about the discussion. I'm quite honored that you're taking interest into my work.

Someone other than wildsweetstone mentioned that the shell didn't fit in. Well maybe I didn't make that clear in the poem, but the person I wrote the poem for knows about this shell.

As Lauren astutely pointed out, both the line and the shell are emotional defenses designed to protect me. Yet she keeps tearing them down, erasing the line, infiltrating the shell...

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Keep it going if you feel like it. I admit to the second stanza being a bit hurried but that is really my first work...


DrF

 

[Remec]

I thought it was excellent until the last line.
Does the shell fit?
To me, the subject is the 'line' that is drawn on the shore, shells simply don't come into it.

I think the shell is another way of looking at the line, and it builds upon the maritime theme. He has closed himself off, but it wasn't working so he drew the line...which was overwhelmed by the flowing sea, which also seeps through the shell barrier.

The other person has become a force of nature that, like the sea, is relentless and inescapable.

 

[ElizabethWest]

Well maybe I didn't make that clear in the poem, but the person I wrote the poem for knows about this shell.

As Lauren astutely pointed out, both the line and the shell are emotional defenses designed to protect me. Yet she keeps tearing them down, erasing the line, infiltrating the shell...

 

[The_Fool]

Ok ladies and gents,
thank for telling me about the discussion. I'm quite honored that you're taking interest into my work.

Someone other than wildsweetstone mentioned that the shell didn't fit in. Well maybe I didn't make that clear in the poem, but the person I wrote the poem for knows about this shell.

As Lauren astutely pointed out, both the line and the shell are emotional defenses designed to protect me. Yet she keeps tearing them down, erasing the line, infiltrating the shell...

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Keep it going if you feel like it. I admit to the second stanza being a bit hurried but that is really my first work...


DrF

I prefer infiltrate to permeate......Or try widen instead of either one.

 

[DrFreud]

I prefer infiltrate to permeate......Or try widen instead of either one.

I thought of using that but infiltrate evoked spies Believe me she's no spy...

Thanks for the comment.

 

[PatCarrington]

the second line is a very clumsy read to me, sounding archaic and unlike the language used in the rest of the poem. that can be solved by simply reversing the first 2 lines:

Between us I drew
a line on the shore,

...which would require a comma at 2nd line's end (i'd also drop the caps at line beginnings).

in my opinion, the 4th line is poorly phrased.

a period after 'eyes' would avoid potential misreadings and improve the flow, i think.

i agree with Fool...i would replace permeate with 'widen', which is my first choice of the three words, or 'infiltrate'. widen the cracks of my shell holds up better, i think.

there are also 'tense' repairs needed.

example..."drew" at the beginning of the first stanza would require "erased" in the fourth line, not a shift to present tense....or 'drew' should be 'draw' in the initial line.

 

[Angeline]

Ok ladies and gents,
thank for telling me about the discussion. I'm quite honored that you're taking interest into my work.

Someone other than wildsweetstone mentioned that the shell didn't fit in. Well maybe I didn't make that clear in the poem, but the person I wrote the poem for knows about this shell.

As Lauren astutely pointed out, both the line and the shell are emotional defenses designed to protect me. Yet she keeps tearing them down, erasing the line, infiltrating the shell...

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Keep it going if you feel like it. I admit to the second stanza being a bit hurried but that is really my first work...


DrF

You are very kind to take all this unasked for feedback with such diplomacy and good humor. Welcome to the poetry forum. We're nice folks here, honest. Feel free to comment on anyone's poems here, ask for more feedback if you want it, or participate in the threads and challenges.

we normally let people come to us, rather then drag them in poems first, but hope you'll find it fun here and stick around


Ange

 

[DrFreud]

the second line is a very clumsy read to me, sounding archaic and unlike the language used in the rest of the poem. that can be solved by simply reversing the first 2 lines:

Between us I drew
a line on the shore,

...which would require a comma at 2nd line's end (i'd also drop the caps at line beginnings).

in my opinion, the 4th line is poorly phrased.

a period after 'eyes' would avoid potential misreadings and improve the flow, i think.

i agree with Fool...i would replace permeate with 'widen', which is my first choice of the three words, or 'infiltrate'. widen the cracks of my shell holds up better, i think.

there are also 'tense' repairs needed.

example..."drew" at the beginning of the first stanza would require "erased" in the fourth line, not a shift to present tense....or 'drew' should be 'draw' in the initial line.

Thanks Pat for your comments.

I'll just respond to a couple of them since I can't argue with the others.

The 4th line is really the image that i wanted to convey. I wanted to get the laughingly in there even though it weakened the structure.

I don't like the use of "widen". It does not suggest the effect that i wanted to. Widening seems tame. I know that "permeate" is not entirely correct but I felt it was emotionally stronger.

Thanks again.

DrF

 

[DrFreud]

You are very kind to take all this unasked for feedback with such diplomacy and good humor. Welcome to the poetry forum. We're nice folks here, honest. Feel free to comment on anyone's poems here, ask for more feedback if you want it, or participate in the threads and challenges.

we normally let people come to us, rather then drag them in poems first, but hope you'll find it fun here and stick around


Ange

Thanks for the welcome Ange. I don't usually check this forum so I am thankful that WSO PM'ed me about the ongoing thread.

I don't know when I'll be posting any other poems. I'll have to check with my muse on that.

DrF

 

[wildsweetone]

It's an interesting Forum DrFreud, I didn't mean to drag you in by the scruff of your neck though, truely I didn't. Thank you for being good natured about it. I appreciate that.



Now that you're here, I'm going to show you why my mind thought the shell didn't fit...

I think it's a purely surface thing for me, not sure... it's hard to explain.



A line on the shore - the line
Between us I drew - relates to the line
But you are the sea
Your waves laughingly erase my efforts - 'erase' relates to the line

Obliterating those boundaries - 'boundaries' relates to line
Destroying my resolve - 'destroying' kind of relates to the line
Your laughter, your eyes
Permeate the cracks of my shell. - the shell doesn't relate to the line and i expected it to.


I don't know why the shell didn't relate. I do understand the whole metaphor thing, I saw that on the first reading. But the shell, just didn't seem to be part of the 'whole', it seemed to be separate. Having explained it to me as a shield, yes I can see that. Maybe I'm just not up to this level of reading, yet...?


... just thinking. perhaps it's the word 'cracks'. for me that conjures up a jaggered line, not a definate straight line as i expected to be seen from Line 2.

 

[DrFreud]

It's an interesting Forum DrFreud, I didn't mean to drag you in by the scruff of your neck though, truely I didn't. Thank you for being good natured about it. I appreciate that.



Now that you're here, I'm going to show you why my mind thought the shell didn't fit...

I think it's a purely surface thing for me, not sure... it's hard to explain.



A line on the shore - the line
Between us I drew - relates to the line
But you are the sea
Your waves laughingly erase my efforts - 'erase' relates to the line

Obliterating those boundaries - 'boundaries' relates to line
Destroying my resolve - 'destroying' kind of relates to the line
Your laughter, your eyes
Permeate the cracks of my shell. - the shell doesn't relate to the line and i expected it to.


I don't know why the shell didn't relate. I do understand the whole metaphor thing, I saw that on the first reading. But the shell, just didn't seem to be part of the 'whole', it seemed to be separate. Having explained it to me as a shield, yes I can see that. Maybe I'm just not up to this level of reading, yet...?


... just thinking. perhaps it's the word 'cracks'. for me that conjures up a jaggered line, not a definate straight line as i expected to be seen from Line 2.

Other people had issues with the shell too. I guess it's not the image you expect and it's a bit confusing since we're talking about the sea and the shore. But as a metaphor, it does really capture what I meant.

DrF

 

[wildsweetone]

Thank you for your patience.