Pls. vote on some of my poems

[christcat69]

I'd love some feedback on these poems I've recently submitted-
If you'd be so kind....


4 Levels of Happiness
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=199543

Leave Me Salivating
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=203190

Ms.Know-It-All
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=208668

Maybe I'll Be a Buddhist
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=200404

 

[bogusbrig]

With an AV like that how can a man refuse. I'm seduced.

 

[bogusbrig]

Enraged by your complacent attitude
Awestruck by your obscurantism
Encumbered by your boisterious character
Subdued by your righteousness
Perplexed by your egotism
Baned by your mendaciousness
Lugubrious in our desolate association


I can understand you being enraged by his complacent attitude but why would you be awestruck by his obscurantism? Would you really be perplexed by his ego?

It might be worth using simpler words and strengthen the punch of your lines. ie

Baned by your mendaciousness = ruined by your lies or killed by your trickery. The use of more complex words gives a greater variety of interpretation and hence your poetry is not precise which softens the punch.

And despite what some people may say, using a thesaurus is not always a good idea.

You need to economise if you want to write in this style but I'm not a fan of poetry as a list of lines.

However don't be put off but I would suggest that don't try to write poetry but write what you feel and then edit it.

 

[bogusbrig]

Torrid Fantasies
Vision fading
Savory lips upon my flesh

Carnal Embrace
All senses exploding
Dainty fingers exploring me

Fearlessness
Mind's eye reveling
Promising suggestions tickle my ears

Submission
Deepest desires aching
Bound here in these leather straps

It might be worth describing to the reader what your torrid fantasies are, I had several today so I'm thinking of mine.

Vision fading. Is your eyesight or the dimming light fading your vision?

It's pointless just listing vague sensual responses that could have a myriad of interpretations depending on how much your reader is willing to engage in your poem. You need the arrow to hit home with every shot. Not an easy thing to do but something you should try to do.

I'm not trying to destroy your work but you did ask for a response. If you want you can PM me if you are really interested in taking your work forward, though there are better people at critical analysis than me on this site.

 

[J.Doe]

She asked for votes.

 

[bogusbrig]

She also asked for feedback.

 

[J.Doe]

You're right, I missed that. My apoligies.

 

[BooMerengue]

ChristCat... I'm not by any stretch a competent poet, but I know what I like and what I don't. I voted a 3 on all your poems because I felt that though your poems weren't really bad, you said nothing new. A lot of folks here express the thought from time to time that there is nothing new to say- just new ways to say the same old thing. I also felt that you didn't put a whole lot of work into them. I may be wrong and I apologize if I am, and I hope I don't offend you. I'm new at critiquing so the only thing I know to do is shoot from the hip. I hope thats ok.

I looked at this one few times. It looks to me as if you are striving for minimalism here, so I played with it.

Tears in the rain- gone unnoticed
Painful emotions- gone unspoken
Crushing feelings of losing all focus
Impure thoughts of envy and vanity
Reaching for my God
Painful
Crushing
...In vein

Heres what I came up with and I can see now it could be better with input from some of the real poets here. Like I said I'm new at this. I just tried to eliminate unneeded words and words used more than once.

Unnoticed, tears turn to rain
screams of crushed feelings choked
backfiring into thoughts drowned
in envy and vanity.

In vain, I reach for my God.

If you think I was too bold say so- I have very thick skin. If you like you can always place a poem here before you post it and there are plenty here who will help you with any questions you have.

Just don't quit...

Boo

 

[christcat69]

Thanks for the feedback guys!!
Hopefully it'll keep coming

 

[christcat69]

If I beg real nice can I get more feedback?