Please tell me what you think

[caralott]

Please tell me what you think. This is my first story on LIT. and I am anxious for opinions. So far it states 3300+ have viewed 5 votes and score 5.00. I have another story pending and hopefully it will be approved this time. If it is approved, I will post that link also.

Thanks everyone and Happy holidays.
This is a "Erotic couplings" story

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=110194

 

[Rainbow Skin]

My overall impression is of too many short sentences with not enough variety: 'I did this. I did something else.' There is no scene-setting other than where the narrator was: no sentences that just described the background. Now of course in part this is an effect you're choosing, this focusing of attention on the narrator's thoughts, but I think they would be more effective if there was a little more for them to stand out against.

The structure is well done, right for this length. Most of the phrasing is good at conveying what you want to say.

It's oddly unexplained who the man is. Is it the man she vaguely recognizes? The apparently irrelevant question about the supermarket enables her to recognize his voice, but it stands out oddly. It's not clear whether it's someone she does know slightly and is attracted to enough to have casual sex with: or whether it's all a fantasy with her lover, which is on the whole what it reads like.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

"Shhhhhh, have you been to the supermarket lately?"

That line wins the "Oddest-Thing-Ever-Said-To-A-Woman-During-A-Sexual-Assault-In-A-Bathroom" Award for 2003, if not for all time. What was up with that? Is this the Grocery Rapist?

No, really, I make it a point not to review stories told in second person anymore ("I/you" rather than "I/he" or She/he"), but this one was so short I made an exception. It's hardly a story at all, more like a scene. which is perfectly aceptable. It's a very short scene however.

There's some confusing stuff here. Not only that odd thing he says, but also:

She's in the bar and "I" bump into her, or she backs up into "me" and doesn't recognize me. Then I'm Ralph in the bathroom, whom she seems to know. What's going on? Does she know me, or Ralph, or what?

I was searching in vain for the light switch when the door opened. "Great!" "Pardon me, but could you turn the light on?"

Are these two people talking? If so, each character should have his/her own paragraph. If it's just her talking, why do youuse two separate closed quotes?

She's on her knees for 5 minutes blowing him. It's always a bad idea to use numerical measurements for time (and for most anything in a story) because it makes it sound like someone was looking at their watch. And what does it mean? Does she consider 5 minutes to be a long time, or a short time for this?

In any case, five minuites is a long time to be in a bar with no electricity without people panicking, and it's longer than five minutes because then he screws her.

So, okay, I'm making a big deal out of this stuff. But this kind of little stuff is what makes a story seem realistic or not, and this story seems to be not very well thought out. The whole thing reads like a quick, first draft, maybe even an outline. It's your fantasy (and there's nothing wrong with that), but it needs a lot more in the way of detail and juiciness to make it our fantasy as well.

If you're getting 5's, then someone must like what you're doing, so maybe you should just ignore me. But to me this piece needs a lot more thought and a lot more detail.

---dr.M.

 

[DarlingNikki]

I have to agree with the above posts, so no point in rehashing.

Just a suggestion that has nothing to do with the writing. Your title - including yours, there are six stories called "Chance Encounter" one "Chance Encounter Chapter 1" one "Chance Encounters" and two called "Chance Meeting" You might want to give your stories titles that make them stand out, you'll get more readers. Don't ask me how though, I'm lousy at titles...

Congratulations on your first story.

 

[caralott]

thanks

Thank you for your thoughts.

She knows Ralph from the supermarket!

I told the story in first person to portray it as either a fantasy or a memory. The description of the bar did not come into play, because I wanted to focus on her emotional state at the time.

The puzzled look is leading up to "maybe this is the person in the bathroom and maybe it is someone else." Mystery perhaps?

Made you wonder at least.

Anyway, for something that was written in about 10 minutes, I am happy with it.

As far as the head job goes. They both wanted it done and 5 minutes just seemed like a good #. Needless to say as you implied they were in a rush, and the lights in the whole bar did not go out. Just the bathrooms. Which I assumed was reported to the bartender and that is why he came and knocked.

I appreciate your honesty and comments. Hope to hear from you on my next story.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Re: thanks

Anyway, for something that was written in about 10 minutes, I am happy with it.

That's not something you want to tell people who take the time and trouble to read and review your story: that it was just something you dashed off in 10 minutes and that it was good enough. Very disrespectful.

In response I might say that I just scanned your story and that it pretty much sucked.

See?

---dr.M.

 

[caralott]

Apologies

Evidently, I offended you and I apologize. That was not my intention at all. I was simply stating that I appreciated your comments. Also, I wanted to let you know that this was a first time effort and for the amount of time that I put into it, I was pleased. This, however, does not mean that it does not need improvement, or that I will not grow as a writer from your comments. I would not have asked for feedback if I thought it was "good enough."

Again, my apologies for offending you.

I appreciate the time you took to read my story and post your comments.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Re: Apologies

Again, my apologies for offending you.

Quite all right, and I apologize if I offended you. Might just be Holiday nerves.

I have had occasions where I've taken the time to read and review a story and the author posts back to say that he doesn't really care because it's only something he knocked off in 20 minutes and besides, it's only porn anyhow. It makes you feel like an idiot for having wasted your time. It's like paying $50 for a ticket to a concert only to go in and find you have to listen to someone practicing for 50 minutes.

There's nothing wrong with posting a rough draft or a work-in-progress, but it's good to mention the fact. Otherwise I just assume that what I'm looking at is the author's best effort and I review it as such.

---dr.M.

 

[peterbrazen]

I thought

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[dr_mabeuse]

Re: I thought

I thought that both stories by c were very good. What bothers me is that people can be too critical. Let's remember that most of us on Lit have other jobs than writing stories.

Welcome to Literotica Peter.

Yes, we are very critical. This board seems to attract very critical people, and I think that’s because most of us are reluctant to just post a note saying “I liked it” or “I didn’t like it”. Here we feel we owe it to the author to give some reasons for our opinions. It’s always nice to know that someone liked your writing, but, in my opinion at least, it’s even more useful for an author to know what they’ve done right and what they’ve done wrong, and what they need to do to become a better writer.

Some of us feel that Literotica should be a place where every author gets a chance to be read and where beginners can come and try to learn how to write. Others of us think that the site should be a place for accomplished, high-end porn and erotica. There’s room for both kinds of people here, but most of the critics care a lot about quality fiction and have pretty strong opinions. Telling someone you liked their story might make them feel good as a person, but it doesn’t do much to help them as a writer, and I think that’s where most of the critics here are coming from when they critique a piece. The critiques might be pretty thorough and seem rough, but I don’t think they’re ever mean or disrespectful. Ciriticism always stings, but it’s the only way to improve.

---dr.M.