please tear me apart

[pointless]

but as gently as possible. i realize i'm not a great poet by any stretch of the imagination. i can have problems spelling, i have awkward grammar and my poems can sometimes seem a bit incomplete, but i still feel i may at least have a few redeeming qualities.

so please read my stuff and say what you think. just be polite. i don't think telling me i suck or that i'm a no talent will help any of us out, but if you feel that you have to crush my ego to get your point across i suppose you can feel free to do so. i did ask for it after all.

my link is down in my signature, so please click on it and let the carnage begin.

thank you.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Hello, pointless, and welcome.

I've read all of your submissions, and honestly think you don't need to be embaraced by your poems. Some of them are very good, and some seem a bit too histrionic, or too much like a personal diary entry, but overall I was happy with it.

It would probably be easier if you select a poem for which you want to receive feedback and we could proceed with the vivisection from there.

You'll also learn a lot from criticizing other people's poems. Sometimes it's easier to recognize the weaknesses in a work that's not your own, and slowly you'll learn to assume that attitude toward them.

By the way, the poems I like the most were After the party when all is quiet, Apathy Wins the War and Awkward Good-bye. The first one reminded me a little of my own Window On The 23rd Floor.

 

[pointless]

thank you for your feedback. it is greatly appreciated. i was worried i come off as too whiny or emotional in my writing, and also perhaps too personal.

as for specific poems to tear apart we could start with My Apologies Would Mean Nothing Now
or those you've already linked on your post could be fair game as well.

i'll also try my best to take all your advice and use it as best i can, thanks again.


hopefully that link works.





also, i liked your poem. it was very nice. thank you for sharing.

 

[pointless]

umm, anyone else? is it that bad?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

We move a bit slower here. Fear not.

 

[pointless]

sorry, i am not known for my patience.

 

[WickedEve]

I hate to tear into anyone that is "made of glass" but what the hell.

First stanza:
I had a vision of you in a bright, red dress
Dancing like a whore just for fun.
You were smiling, your eyes shined
Like bright, ugly stars in the night sky
That hangs repressively over my mind.

Ugly stars really jumps out at me. I don't think bright stars being ugly works. I'd either change ugly or stars.

Second stanza:
Your smile looked forced, slightly pained
As if being a whore wasn’t your thing.
It made me sad, but not too sad,
To think of you in emotional pain
When depression was always more your bag.

Hmm... pained, pain, sad, sad. Too much sadness and pain. A few more words that you may want to find alternatives for.
Depression was always more your bag? I don't think that works too well. It sounds odd to say that depression is your bag.

Third & fourth stanzas:
Yeah, depression and guilt and too many pills,
That was more you than you ever could be.
Maybe that’s why your gone,
Why you’ve been gone so long.
Maybe you needed a pain more real.

I hope you found it, I truly do,
I hope you found your to true suffering and pain.
True pain is just so much more real,
And, regardless of what those pop puppets all say,
We both that real is better than fake.

Again, you're repeating the same words way too often -- pain, suffering, real, true/truly.
Excuse my ignorance but what are "pop puppets?"

 

[pointless]

pop puppets is just something i made up for some odd reason. it refers to idiots who follow popular trends blindly and without thought. pop as in pop culture. puppets as in... well you know what puppets are.

i see what your saying about using too many of the same words over and over again. i guess i'll just have to dust off the thesaurus again and make sure i actually use it.

the only questions i would have for you is: why does the line about depression being my bag seem odd to you? too hipster? too slangy or is it the feel of it?

thank you for your time. it truly is appreciated. i hope you didn't get any major injuries tearing into me.

 

[WickedEve]

pop puppets is just something i made up for some odd reason. it refers to idiots who follow popular trends blindly and without thought. pop as in pop culture. puppets as in... well you know what puppets are.

i see what your saying about using too many of the same words over and over again. i guess i'll just have to dust off the thesaurus again and make sure i actually use it.

the only questions i would have for you is: why does the line about depression being my bag seem odd to you? too hipster? too slangy or is it the feel of it?

thank you for your time. it truly is appreciated. i hope you didn't get any major injuries tearing into me.

I really like that phrase pop puppets.

My bag isn't too hipster. Maybe it's just me. I suppose I never thought of depression being anyone's bag. Depression and bag just don't seem to go together. But I like I said, that's my opinion -- or that's my bag.

 

[pointless]

groovy

 

[Generally Bubba]

hello! I am new to lit nad yours were the first I read. Loved em, would love to read more! Till then...

 

[Rybka]

Comments

My Apologies Would Mean Nothing Now
by pointless ©

I had a vision of you in a bright, red dress
Dancing like a whore just for fun.
You were smiling, your eyes shined
Like bright, ugly stars in the night sky
That hangs repressively over my mind.

You do not need a comma between “bright” and “red”.
Do whores dance just for fun? Perhaps you can use that comma in this line.
In the next line “shined” is wrong. Try “shone” or “shining”.
Like the others, I don’t like “ugly stars”, and where else are stars going to be but “in the night sky”? Also, you really don’t need the comma in this line either.

Your smile looked forced, slightly pained
As if being a whore wasn’t your thing.
It made me sad, but not too sad,
To think of you in emotional pain
When depression was always more your bag.

I don’t like this stanza, sorry. The poem needs the thought presented here for development, but you should try a complete rewrite.

Yeah, depression and guilt and too many pills,
That was more you than you ever could be.
Maybe that’s why your gone,
Why you’ve been gone so long.
Maybe you needed a pain more real.

In the third line “your” should be a verb form such as “you were”.

I hope you found it, I truly do,
I hope you found your to true suffering and pain.
True pain is just so much more real,
And, regardless of what those pop puppets all say,
We both that real is better than fake.

Second line change “to” to “too”. - Then make train noises and chug around the room.
In line five don’t you need “know” between “both” and “that”?

So here’s to you and my vision
Of you suffering with a smile.
Here’s to you and the pain you now enjoy.
I hope your happy planning the part of the whore.
I know wasn’t glad to see you that way,

In line four “your” should be “you’re”, and shouldn’t “planning” be “playing”?
In the last line insert “I” after “know”.

But I was never about me, was it?

Should “I” be “it”?

Please accept these suggestions in the spirit they are offered. Remember that advice is only worth what you pay for it!

Bye the way, your AV is even more ugly than Xtaabay.

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[Wolvesheart]

Deppresion as a "bag"

No offense, and as a newbie I'm taking liberties here, but depression in any form shouldn't become an acceptable habit. I realize it is a fact that many suffer from or endure depression, and admittedly some of my most powerful work has been born out of pain, BUT.....
I think to accept depression is giving up on life and what it may offer. Blocking everything has a way of blocking positive possibilities as well as negative scenarios. I personally choose not to block, but to deal with issues that cause me to feel any form of depression.
Writing about raw, emotional issues may be theraputic, but as a counselor etc for many years, I find that if you vent through words in poetry for example, it might give you a better insight into what "can be" if you switch off occassionally or add into your work something uplifting and positive as an ending.
Certainly "it's a hard knock life" as long as we choose it to be, embrace it as such, and resign ourselves to negativity. This forum, which can be very stimulating, very enlightening, and very uplifting, is truly a place for you to find, nourish, and believe that not everything you encounter needs to be damaging, or destructive.
Your words,or emotions expressed are valid. My suggestion is though, that even in the dankest pond we find life that thrives.
Perhaps you might try a new mantra??? To quote "Queen" ""We are the Champions"

Blessings,
Wolf

 

[pointless]

hello! I am new to lit nad yours were the first I read. Loved em, would love to read more! Till then...

thank you very much. the ego thanks you for the boost.

 

[pointless]

Re: Comments

Originally posted by Rybka

i see exactly what your saying. this poem was written before i started using spell and grammer check on a regular basis, so my imperfect grammer is there in all its glory. i have had a lot of problems in the past remembering the difference betwwen your and you're, its and it's and so many other. i'm slowly learning thanks to my grammer checking and payin attention to what it says and what real people say as well. i also wrote a good deal of my poems on lit while intoxicated, but enough excuses.

about rewrites, i have thought about that a lot, actually. i just need to get to it. i plan on doing it soon. hopefully plans work out. thank you for your time and advice it is greatly appreciated.

 

[pointless]

Re: Comments

Bye the way, your AV is even more ugly than Xtaabay.

i almost missed this. you don't like dali?

 

[pointless]

Re: Deppresion as a "bag"

No offense, and as a newbie I'm taking liberties here, but depression in any form shouldn't become an acceptable habit. I realize it is a fact that many suffer from or endure depression, and admittedly some of my most powerful work has been born out of pain, BUT.....
I think to accept depression is giving up on life and what it may offer. Blocking everything has a way of blocking positive possibilities as well as negative scenarios. I personally choose not to block, but to deal with issues that cause me to feel any form of depression.
Writing about raw, emotional issues may be theraputic, but as a counselor etc for many years, I find that if you vent through words in poetry for example, it might give you a better insight into what "can be" if you switch off occassionally or add into your work something uplifting and positive as an ending.
Certainly "it's a hard knock life" as long as we choose it to be, embrace it as such, and resign ourselves to negativity. This forum, which can be very stimulating, very enlightening, and very uplifting, is truly a place for you to find, nourish, and believe that not everything you encounter needs to be damaging, or destructive.
Your words,or emotions expressed are valid. My suggestion is though, that even in the dankest pond we find life that thrives.
Perhaps you might try a new mantra??? To quote "Queen" ""We are the Champions"

Blessings,
Wolf

it's a poem about the darker feelings in my soul. don't mistake the poem for the poet.

 

[Rybka]

Re: Re: Comments

i almost missed this. you don't like dali?

I have always preferred “Dilly Dally”, but my comment was in reference to Xztaabay. She is the one I don’t like!


Regards,                                 Rybka

Ps: What do you have against capital letters? - At least be consistent.

 

[pointless]

Re: Re: Re: Comments

Ps: What do you have against capital letters? - At least be consistent.

nothing, i've just found it quicker to type on the boards using only lowercase letters. it's pure laziness.

what do you mean be consistent?

 

[Angeline]

Hi pointless

nice to see you at the board again. Sorry I took so long to jump into the thread, but I've been super busy lately.

I'm with Lauren and Eve on your poetry. I think some of it is very good--it struck me that you're certainly facile with image and metaphor, but as you said yourself, there are grammatical and other editorial weaknesses that could be cleaned up. In any case, you said you're doing that now, so no point in me belaboring it.

I liked Eve's review of your poem--she caught what I agree are the main areas that need work. Generally I saw you jumping back and forth between "poetic" language and a conversational tone. Obviously this weakens the poem and is, imho, the argument for rewriting.

I know alot of people will say "I only write for myself," and that becomes the justification for poor spelling, whatever. That is fine, if the person is really ok with it. If, however, someone makes a choice that they want their poems to receive serious consideration--or even publication--and most importantly if the individual wants to grow as a poet, he or she has to get serious about writing.

If you really want to pursue it, you need to check for spelling and grammar, think about what (in your opinion) constitutes good poetry, and then try to write accordingly. Read lots of poetry and discover what you love. Figure out why you like what you like and try to emulate it. Write at least a little every day--even if you think it's crap--you'll improve. Over time, out of all this, your unique voice as a writer will emerge and grow strong.

I simply say this because people come here all the time and ask "am I any good?" Yes, you have potential, absolutely, but you (like me or anyone who wants to pursue it seriously) has to do the everyday grind stuff to improve.

Hope this is helpful. Feel free to get in touch if you want me to review a specific poem.



Angeline

 

[karmadog]

I have always preferred “Dilly Dally"

Have you ever had a Dali Bar at Breton Robbins? Yum.

 

[Angeline]

Have you ever had a Dali Bar at Bataille Robbins? Yum.

They're the melting ones, right?

 

[Guest]

Fish...

Bye the way, your AV is even more ugly than Xtaabay.

[/B]

Hey Fish! Don't make me post that sketch of you again! I'm sure you will remember it all too well
--Xtaabay
p.s
Don't you mean "ugliER"?

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Fish...

Hey Fish! Don't make me post that sketch of you again! I'm sure you will remember it all too well
--Xtaabay
p.s
Don't you mean "ugliER"?

la la la la la...
Ah, Springtime and once again love is in the air. Just smell that air!

 

[pointless]

angeline-

thanks you for the comments and criticisms. they are greatly appreciated. (i'm starting to sound like a broken record, but it's true: comments and criticisms are greatly appreciated). you have a good memory. i haven't posted here for a couple months until this thread.

don't worry, i'm not one of those you claim that they write only for themselves. if that were true i wouldn't even bother to post here. i would simply exist in my own little vacuum never improving, never advancing even one step. i have a backlog of roughly 300 poems of greatly varying quality in my possesion which i have occasionally passed amongst friends and family. sadly, friends and family are rarely willing to give proper criticism to my writing. they are too polite and too worried about hurting my feelings to give me the goodd smack across the face i occasionaly need.

i don't know how far i could actually get with what i write, but i would like it to be enjoyable and understandable to people other than me. i don't expect to be perfect, but i would like to get a close as i possibly can.

about the shifting from conversational to poetic: that is intentional. i'm sorry to see that it isn't working for most of you. i have an aversion to being overly poetic in my writing. it also seems so over the top too me that i try to relax it a bit by making it more natural. i know it can be awkward(sp? that word never looks right to me), but i like that occasionally.

don't take that staement as meaning that i don't want to be criticised on that aspect. if you don't feel it works, feel free to say so. i'll have to work on it and see if i can get it to go a bit smoother.

sorry if this post rambles a bit. i'm still trying to wake up. damned tylenol pms! guess i shouldn't take four of them next time.