please read mine

[lady_hawke56]

Hi Please reads my stories and rate me. I am lady_hawke56
My stories are called The Satyr's Kiss it is the non human section sand the next one is vanilla passion in interracial. Enjoy and please feedback, good an bad.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=831127&page=submissions
Thanks so much,
Lady_hawke56

 

[_Lynn_]

I started on Vanilla Passions.

Write out your numbers $1000.00 thousand dollars flows better

IMHO, as the company owner, if an employee "always unnerved her", why not check out his file? I kept going back to why didn't she just read it.

The speech is stilted, boring, not much feeling to it.

Typos and grammar can be fixed with an editor.

Too many sentences start with "she". Try mixing your sentences up for a better read.

Make the knock on the door as part of the sentence..."Jody knocked as she.........."

Maybe I'm tired, but I stopped reading before the first page was finished. I couldn't get into the story.

My opinion only. ML

 

[tickledkitty]

I read Satyr's Kiss. I really liked the idea of it. Overall, I liked the story, even though it's not something I would normally read.

However, I really think you could benefit from using an editor. There are some awkward areas that need work. I get the feeling that English may not be your first language. Forgive me if I'm wrong. If this is the case, all the more reason to seek out the help of an editor.

"She could not deny the undeniable desire that he was awakening within her."
Using deny and undeniable in this sentence together is redundant. You could replace undeniable with unquestionable, for example.

"She realized that he was very much human and yet she knew somehow that he couldn't be." How did she know this? She hasn't seen him at this point and has had very little contact with him. This kind of takes away from that punch when she actually sees him for the first time and realizes he's half goat, as well.

"This was the first time she laid eyes on him." Yeah, we know. We've been with her the whole time. You don't need to tell us.

"He parted her legs, his tongue and fingers explored her vaginally, her moans came in short breaths and the exquisite feeling that she had never felt before, His tongue licked and sucked her clitoris, never before had she felt such pleasure." There are several problems with this. First of all, you used commas to separate complete sentences. The first sentence is awkward. Also, as ML stated regarding your other story, you start too many sentences with "He" and "She." I don't like "explored her vaginally." It sounds too clinical or stilted. "Parting her legs, his tongue and fingers explored her pussy." I think that sounds better.

"she finally gave into the sweet surrender of belonging to him" I think it should be in to. Also, I think she gave in too easily. I kind of got the idea there was some sort of mind control thing happening here, but I still think she should have put up more of a fight, especially since she was a virgin. Additionally, I think you alluded to the fact that she was surrendering herself earlier in the story.

"he knew her hymen would have to be broken" How did he know that? A virgin doesn't necessarily have an intact hymen. And, again, this seems too clinical.

You seemed to be telling the story from her point of view, but then switch to his point of view in a couple places. This kind of interrupted the flow for me. I think his being a mythical, nonhuman creature and the mystery you've built around him kind of precludes the narrator's ability to get into his head. I hope that makes sense. In other words, I think you should just stick to telling it from the girl's point of view.

Good luck with this. It's a good start.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Lady Hawke,

Is "Satyr's Kiss" among your first writing attempts? It's a decent little tale, but there may be a few weak spots.

A tighter perspective might have helped me share the heroine' plight. By this I mean stick with what she's experiencing. This is particularly true since it's later revealed the entire story is a dream; dreams are so personal.

For instance, if I was relating or reliving an experience, I doubt I would pause to reflect upon the color of my eyes. My eyes probably wouldn't change color either, even in a dream. I wouldn't know what anyone else was thinking or feeling, so hearing about how he was aroused by her scent distances me from her.

Consider this sentence:
A cry of pain escaped her lips as her virginity broke leaving her a woman, a slow trickle of blood ran down her leg, the last remnant of her virginity.First- is pain likely in this kind of dream? Wouldn't it wake her? Second, this is one of those places I think could be so much more intense with a little focus on what she experiences. Does she see the blood trickle down her leg- or does she feel a warmth tickle her thigh and then realize what it must be? I hope I'm making a little sense here about inviting me to share her experience instead of merely witnessing it.

Another way the story could be tighter is to remove all the redundant or irrelevant sentences.

Example: They loved to giggle and flit around way too much--and they were beginning to make her angry. Read the story without this sentence. If nothing changes, why is the sentence in the story?

Another: She arched her back and cried out, her head thrashed back and forth as waves of spasms upon spasms came over her. She had never felt such exquisite pleasure. Notice how the image of her thrashing about is so strong that you can leave out the second sentence and probably the spasms upon spasms too?

Take care about overusing words or brief phrases. For example, search for "behind her" and see how many times this appears within a pair of paragraphs.

Overuse is especially an issue when it leads to awkward sentences like these:
She could not deny the undeniable desire that he was awakening within her.
Her whole body heated up and her thoughts were as jumbled thoughts.

There may be a few other things, but staying focused on the heroine's experience is the change that might have invited me to share that experience.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[MarshAlien]

The Satyr's Kiss is a very lovely vignette, but I would suggest two things to work on: repetition and mood.

You have some very lovely ideas, but they become much too diffuse when you use them too often. In your second paragraph:

As she regained more of her senses, she became aware that she was unclothed. Fear grabbed hold of her as she became more aware of her surroundings.

You used the word "more" twice and the word "aware" twice. Two sentences later:

She started to rise, but then she heard the sounds of footsteps...She started to rise, but then she sat back down again.

You do this quite a bit, actually, and should probably go back and do some more editing on your own, in addition to getting a volunteer editor.

With respect to mood, you started off the story (properly in my view) with the character becoming afraid. The little nymphs show up, and instead of a trembling "What do you want?" or "Where are you taking me?" you have a very reasonable "But where?" And the anger seems to come out of nowhere, and leave just as quickly. Why? What purpose does it serve?

 

[_Lynn_]

To be fair, I read The Satyr's Kiss.

I think you have the beginning of a lovely little tale, but you fall short.

An editor would help here in many ways.

You do overuse your words in several areas, some of which have been pointed out to you by the others.

I did question her feelings and thoughts. She is afraid, yet curious and goes along.
Maybe you could take her from one feeling to another by describing the change better.

Be sure what you have in the story is needed.
If you are telling us things that don't add to the story, leave them out and give us something to enhance the story.

My opinion only...ML