please read and let me know what u thing

[biggbear8]

On this day so cold, wet, and dreary
snuggled up close to you without
any wories
sitting in front of the fireplce so cozy
and warm
sipping hot chocolate and listening to
the storm
lightening, thunder , and raindrops
too
all playing a romanic tune
with the fire burning so warm and
bright
Ill be holding you close
all night


a romantic poem by me biggbear8

 

[WickedEve]

Hi! Welcome to the poetry board, biggbear8. Is this poem just a romantic poem in general, or did you write it for someone special? What is it about storms and fireplaces that scream romance? I recently had some chilly nights where I live, and I told someone that it was perfect snugglin' and lovin' weather. I think there should be some sort of study done on the influence of bad weather on human arousal!

Okay, the poem. Nice. But it could be improved. Let's start with something simple.

You're describing a basic scene that has been used in romantic poetry, books, and movies many times. If you want to use this scene, why not think of something new to tell the reader. I'd like to hear what it's really like to have a romantic evening, like the one described, with biggbear8.

How about adding some more details, more interesting descriptions. Instead of just a cold, wet, dreary day, could you tell us something to make us feel those words? Maybe the cold floorboards bit at your toes as rain streaked the windows. Set the scene up a little more, so that it feels so nice when you finally get to snuggle by that fire. And when you get to the cuddling, tell us a little about how it makes you feel.

And remember, fire does burn warm and bright, but I bet you could tell us that in a different way. Sometimes, you don't even need to use the word "fire" to get the message across. Just close your eyes and think about how fire looks and sounds, and how the warmth from it feels on your skin. Think about the color, the hypnotic effect. Why is it romantic? Think about that awesome natural power that you have confined in a small space, and how wild it can be if set free. How it would consume everything it touches like your lips and tongue on your lover's skin. That kind of thing.

Eve

 

[Rybka]

WickedEve's advice is always thoughtful, useful, and given in a constructive spirit.

Also, you might want to use your spell-checker.


Regards, Rybka

 

[biggbear8]

thank you for comments

thank you . yes it was written for someone and it was a thunderstaom lighting heavy rain and cold , and i could have been more discriptive but not to bad for one or my first poems ever written, i thank you for all ur ideas and well try to make better ,
bigg bear8



oh and i do use spell check just didnt think about that when i typed it here .

 

[BgMma]

poem

I think that if you were going for a short and lighthearted poem, you have it. I don't know how long you have been writing, but I liked it because it made me smile.
Even with all the improvements that could be made, I still think there is a lot of potential there!
Keep up the good work!

 

[JUDO]

Now, if only he'd entitled it "My Glock."

(hee-hee)

- Judo

 

[Senna Jawa]

On this day so cold, wet, and dreary
snuggled up close to you without
any wories
sitting in front of the fireplce so cozy
and warm
sipping hot chocolate and listening to
the storm
lightening, thunder , and raindrops
too
all playing a romanic tune
with the fire burning so warm and
bright
Ill be holding you close
all night


a romantic poem by me biggbear8

You already got comments over which you may dwell for a while. I'd like to mention two details. You wrote "On this day...all night". This may be defended outside poetry but here you want higher standards. It is preferable to avoid such disquieting moments. Your reader should concentrate on the real stuff, should be free from any distractions like this.

The other problem you share with many great poets. You are using "so" many times. Authors do it for mood and for rhythm/melody. They want to stress the poetry of the moment, they want to say that it is sooo special or whatever. The fact is that most of the time it is a cheap and meaningless substitute which can't substitute for anything real (also "this" in "this day" is equally meaningless, just placebo). OK, now you can announce proudly that you are writing as poorly as many great poets around the world .

You were given standard and good advice about making your poem richer in details which would probably result in a more individual (original) text. Do follow this advice but also know that those concrete details should serve a common goal, that they should lead somewhere, that poems should be integrated. Irrelevant details or anything irrelevant is a drawback and should be avoided. It is a huge topic. Word "(ir)relevant" should be understood in the context of poetry and not of the text's meaning or action alone. Details may be relevant to the mood of the poem sometimes by their sheer number (especially in conjuction with the melody of twe phrase).

In general yes, appeal to senses, and do it by giving them something to see, to hear, to feel, to smell, to appreciate the movement... the details.

Good luck,