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klocke

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Oct 25, 2008
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It was warm and sunny but breezy, the perfect weather for a stroll in a park or an afternoon jog on the beach. We had just arrived at this unknown destination and you were extremely tired from the long ride and I was exhausted from driving.

As we gathered our things from the trunk of the car, I noticed your thong showing underneath your pants. It took everything in me to ignore what appeared to be an instant turn on, but I kept my cool and continued to unload the car. By now you are completely out of it and the bitching has begun, “I’m tired, I need a nap, don’t bother me”
I knew once we got to a place where you could kick back and unwind, your attitude would change, so I went along with the acting episode.

The door attendant carried our things in the hotel as we proceeded towards the elevator. All I could think about was what I saw when you were bending over unloading the luggage. The hotel traffic had slowed down from the morning rush and the lobby was completely empty. We headed towards the elevator, you led the way walking with a sensual sex appeal that could make a gay man re-evaluate his sexuality just by being in your presence.

My lust could not with stand the moment, so I followed you in the elevator with one thing in mind, sex. I stood in the rear as you pushed the button for our floor, hoping that the ride would never end. At that very moment, I noticed for a second time that your thong was still exposed, so I reached out and began to pull on it.

Irritated by the so-called tiredness you were experiencing, you grabbed my hand making it known that you were not in the mood. I immediately turned you around, so that we could see eye to eye, and began kissing on your neck.
Time seemed to have stopped and we were trapped in its warp. As I kissed your neck, I reached behind you and pushed the red button that read stop. The motion of the elevator came to a stand still. You could feel the heat from our bodies’ rise and the sweat starting to exit our pores.

The tired mood that so passionately consumed you, prior to entering the elevator, has become a figment of your imagination at this point. Your hormones are moving 100 miles an hour as my centerpiece grew stronger in anticipation. We began to undress one another in a seductive behavior, focusing on every inch of clothing that covered our bodies.

While I removed your bra, my lips massaged your neck as you groan in pleasure. My tongue left a moist trail starting from your neck down to the tip of your right nipple. You are ready to feel me inside of you. The excitement has become overwhelming so you started to cry, “Give it to me, give it to me now.” You proceeded to grab the one thing that makes every man vulnerable and began stroking it up and down.

My heart felt like it was going to burst right through my chest. I anxiously pulled your pants down, leaving your thong exposed for my discretion. I began to rub your stomach in desperate anticipation of moving in the direction of what is most sacred to a woman. I could feel the warmth of your breath rising in temperature, waiting for that very moment of ecstasy.

In that instance, I turned you around so that your back was facing me, and I kneeled down and began kissing your inner thighs with conviction.
The juices from your sacred garden began to flow down your legs in my direction. You’ve had enough of the foreplay, the time was right. You grabbed my head, out of excitement, and shoved it in your sacred garden like a 300 pound man stuffing his face with food at the dinner table. I twist and twirl and twist and twirl my tongue in the sweet canals of your sacred garden.

You moaned and groaned, squeezing my head with force and compassion.
I’m engulfed in the moment and enjoying the pleasures in which you are consumed by. It’s been 20 minutes since we entered the elevator but it seemed like 2 hours has past. You are at the point of no return and the only thing that’s keeping you from reaching your climax is my tongue.

I continued to squeeze and caress your vulnerable body as you raise one leg in the air like a cheerleader performing a cheer. I could smell the aroma of sex and the sweet fragrance of your body in the air. You squeezed harder, harder, harder, shaking your hips like a little girl learning how to work the hoola hoop for the first time. You shouted, “I’m coming, I’m coming” as my tongue entered your hole of life. I felt like I was on top of the world, ego larger than life. You on the other hand, in pure bliss of what just occurred. I had you under my every command.

I rose up from off of my knees and held you in my arms, securing the affection that you so deeply cherish. I’m speechless wondering what lies ahead. You began kissing my chest, biting my tender nipple with your firm teeth. My heart was pounding with excitement, waiting for the unexpected.
You sensed my exhilaration and grew more passionate with every kiss. I, on the other hand, was pleasantly engaged in what was about to be the pinnacle of my sexual fantasies.

You had a tight gripped on my centerpiece like a baseball player gripping a bat, preparing to hit a homerun. I was under your spell and I didn’t want to be cured. The momentum had shifted and now I was in the hot seat holding on to your every touch. I was as susceptible as a newborn baby fresh out its mother’s womb. You began caressing my love sack as your lips so gracefully massage my centerpiece, giving it the bath of a lifetime. I was in paradise holding on to what seem to be my manhood at that moment.

I could see the desire in your eyes as you gaze up at me. I moaned and moaned as if I was wounded on a battlefield being left to dead. I could feel the tingling sensation of love paralyzing every nerve in my body. “I’m coming, I’m coming” I yelled. The sensation was strong and my sense of awareness had been altered by your hypnotic spell. I embraced myself, preparing for the ultimate thrill, Ejaculation!

The elevator is no longer a luxury used by visiting guest, but our secret hideout, distant from the world on the outside. It was time to take this roller coaster to new heights. I grabbed your thighs and lifted you in the air, hoping that we would meet at what many call the crossroads. I pumped as you bounced, I pumped as you bounced, the suspense and the unexpected became reality and we were consumed in it.

After 20 minutes of nonstop intense love, we came to an abrupt holt. Our bodies were weak and weary but our minds were pleased and pleasured.
You looked up at me and smiled, assuring your satisfaction and I looked at you equally delighted. We helped one another get dress, while still mesmerized by what had just taken place.

Thinking what was supposed to be a 10 second ride had become a 45-minute journey. I was on top of the world, embellishing every moment. You, on the other hand, were cool, calm and collective observing my every move with a keen eye. It was now time for us to proceed to our original destination, the bedroom.
 
Feedback: this isn't the board you're looking for. The Editor's Forum is a place for writers and editors to commingle and pair off for one-on-one work. As such, it's not really polite to just post a story here and expect people to respond to it, any more than it would be to stand in the middle of a restaurant and yell for someone to give you food. The place you should be posting is "Story Feedback."

(ETA: this thread originally appeared in the Editor's Forum, but has since been moved here.)

Feedback on the tale itself: you have some good descriptions, but they're over the top, which makes it seem like you're trying too hard. "Gay man re-evaluate," "300-pound man stuffing his face", "hole of life"--I mean, yeah, they're kind of cute, but you don't want cute in a sex story, you want hot-and-throbbing. These break the mood too much to be effective. You've also got some spelling issues ("with stand" instead of "withstand", "holt" instead of "halt", "2 hours has past" instead of "two hours have passed"), some punctuation problems, and--worst of all--tense changes, often from sentence to sentence. Not to mention the male narrator evidently having two orgasms in four paragraphs, which (as just about anyone can tell you) is a physical impossibility for most men. The refractory period can last anywhere from half an hour to a day, and it's an extremely rare man who doesn't have one at all.

Long story short: the overall impression that I get, from your posting habits to your writing habits, is that you are careless. You just sort of slopped down a pile of words, without taking the time to use the rules of literature (grammar, spelling, punctuation) to sort those words into meaningful phrases, sentences and stories. You don't seem to take any pride in your work; you just want to (as they say) Git 'R Done, and then get back to your real, normal, important life. But if so, why would you be showing this half-assed there-it's-done-now-leave-me-alone effort in public? Why would you be asking for help on it? Is this something you do take pride in? If that is true, why are you so disrespectful of it? If you follow the rules, you make it easier for The Reader to like your story. Why on earth would you not do that? :confused:

To quote a hardass, "God is in the details." (So, of course, is The Devil, which tells you something about those freaking details.) To quote the same hardass again, "You'll have to do better than that, Mr. Hughes." You may be an excellent storyteller, but I can't tell one way or the other; whatever talent you do have has been obscured by your carelessness. Please: give yourself a chance. Give us a chance to give you a chance. You'll have to do better than this, but that's not bad news, because both you and I know that you can do better than this.

Please do.
 
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Since you ask, just a few points from the first few paragraphs:
It was warm and sunny but breezy, the perfect weather for a stroll in a park or an afternoon jog on the beach. We had just arrived at this unknown destination ...
If you have arrived there, how can it be "unknown", especially as the narrator has been driving?

... “I’m tired, I need a nap, don’t bother me” ...
Full stop (period) needed after me and before the close quotes

... that could make a gay man re-evaluate his sexuality just by being in your presence. ...
Tactless, to say the least, to write this. It is generally agreed that being gay is not a matter of choice, but of biology.

... My lust could not with stand the moment, ...
"withstand" is all one word.

... At that very moment, I noticed for a second time that your thong was still exposed, so I reached out and began to pull on it. ...
Let me get this right - the narrator and the target are two normal people, and they are standing in a hotel elevator, and he can SEE her thong? I'm sorry, either her dress would get her arrested anywhere, or the geometry of this situation escapes me. How can he get an up-shorts view while standing up?

... Irritated by the so-called tiredness you were experiencing ...
The problem with first person narratives is that the narrator cannot know or describe the thoughts of anyone else, only their actions. Therefore he does not know that she is irritated, only that she is acting irritated, and he has no idea why.

... I reached behind you and pushed the red button that read stop. ...
And as soon as anyone else in the hotel wants an elevator it will start again, or (in some cases) you just set off an alarm and hotel staff will be rushing to your aid.

... You could feel the heat from our bodies’ rise ...
Again the narrator only knows what he feels, not what she does.

... The tired mood that so passionately consumed you, prior to entering the elevator, has become a figment of your imagination at this point. Your hormones are moving 100 miles an hour as my centerpiece grew stronger in anticipation. ...
Again, the narrator is giving her thoughts and feelings.

My apologies if these are things you didn't want to hear. You might do a lot better to write this entirely in the third person fly-on-the-wall style, since it really concerns the minds of the two actors. There is nothing really wrong with your writing (except that "holt" should be "halt").
 
Thank you for your honest opinion and I will take your comments in consideration as I continue to refine my story, moving forward. However, what you read was me describing my dream as the narrator, which is why I can describe my feelings along with hers. You have to use your imagination and let the words guide you through the story. That's the beauty of literature, there are not limitations to what you can write.

Again, thank you for taking the time to read my work as I hope that I can get your opinion again in the future.
 
Thank you for your honest opinion and I will take your comments in consideration as I continue to refine my story, moving forward. However, what you read was me describing my dream as the narrator, which is why I can describe my feelings along with hers. You have to use your imagination and let the words guide you through the story. That's the beauty of literature, there are not limitations to what you can write.

Again, thank you for taking the time to read my work as I hope that I can get your opinion again in the future.

So, basically, you don't intend for the story to have any resemblence to reality? You want it to just be whatever you want it to be? Fine. Go for it. :) As you said, quite correctly, there are no limitations to what you can write. But there are limitations to what The Reader will believe, even in complete fiction. If you want us to believe in your unrealism, you have to warn us you're going to be unrealistic. You have to warn The Reader.

A story is like a sport or a game: each one has its own private set of rules. In soccer, you're allowed to use any body part except your hands to get the ball into the goal. Well, what if I pick up the ball and run with it into the opponent's goal? Does that mean I get a touchdown? Or what if I pull an Earthquake out of my shirt pocket and declare that the entire opposing team has taken lethal damage? Does that count? Of course not. Those are rules from other games. They don't apply here.

The same is true of stories. Each one has its own private set of rules. Sometimes these rules are similar to those of Real Life (stop at red traffic lights; breathe oxygen; get slapped by a woman if you call her a slut). Sometimes they're identical to those of Real Life. But they exist.

Now, as you said, the rules don't have to be similar to Real Life; not at all. But if so, you have to set it up ahead of time.

Why? Because doing otherwise means you haven't the slightest idea what you're doing or why you're doing it. It means you don't grasp the principles of Chekhov's Gun, it means you can't be trusted to tell a good story, it means you can't be trusted to follow your own rules, it means you're too likely to pull a Deus Ex Machina Ass Pull (like the touchdown with the soccer ball). It means, in short, that you're just a bad writer.

So, long story short. The problem with your story isn't that it takes place in a dreamworld. The problem is that you didn't tell us it would. And, with the above post (which I have been working on for about two hours), I hope I've answered the question you asked me via PM, which is why you had to tell us. If it didn't, I must remand the question to my fellow Lit writers and editors. I'm tapped out. (That damn Earthquake didn't help either. If you've got something nasty coming out next turn, I don't even have the spare resources to Lightning Bolt it.
 
I was unable to complete the read. The writing is basic and bad.

Please study some books on fiction. Study use of voice. Study word usage. Your similes are horrendous. Your descriptive adjectives border the ridiculous.
 
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