Please - New Writer Seeks Reviews!

[DeniseColo]

Hello Fellow Literotica Members:

I have recently uploaded my very first submission to Literotica. So that I gain a sense of progress, please take a moment to review my story entitled:

"A Massage to Remember"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=55423
DeniseColo
"Loving Wives"

I look forward to your comments and suggestions. Your feedback will provide me with direction for subsequent writings. Please feel free to contact me directly at: denisecolo@hotmail.com

Thank you.
- Denise

P.S., Your Vote Is Appreciated. Thank You

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Hi, welcome to the board.

Requests for feedback would be more appropriate in the Story Feedback forum. I'm sorry, but you won't get much, if any response, here in the General Forum.

Good luck. Hope it goes well for you.

 

[Kitte]

What DCL said...but welcome to the boards

 

[lobito]

I'll also add, that you should not wait for that many feedbacks. They may or may not come to you. Voting and feedback is entirely different.

 

[ronde]

Welcome to Lit. You have feedback.

 

[ANiceGuy]

I liked it. Is there more??

I loved the story is there another chapter or two cuming?

 

[pinklipstick]

Hi Denise,

I liked the first sentance - I tend to like reflective openers. However, in the first paragraph, 3 of your 4 sentances are ended with an exclaimation mark. It's a pet peeve of mine. Excessive use of exclaimation marks makes me think either the story is hyperactive or the author is on some really good drugs and isn't sharing.

Another woman in our bed... There to pleasure me in new and exciting ways...

Don't think the ellipses are necessary here. I also had a hard time with this phrase. Might be just me, but it seemed rather one-sided for a loving-wives category. The comment seemed to insinuate that you expected another woman to "service" you. And although I don't blink when I encounter this in the bdsm category, it seemed a bit harsh here.

In simplest terms, "fantasy" is defined as: to portray in the mind. The question remains, is that where they should be kept... in the mind, never to be realized?

First sentance seems awkward. Perhaps: In it's simpliest terms, the definition of fantasy is to portray in the mind. The second sentance changes tense, which threw me. And again, the elipses, in my opinion, are not necessary. When used too many times, they start becoming a crutch.

As time went on, the more vivid our scenarios would play out during lovemaking. So much so that while closing my eyes, I would begin to actually feel "her" full breasts pressing against me.

I really liked this. It brought to mind a woman in the throes of lovemaking with her eyes sqeezed shut playing with an imaginary "third".

Their initial meeting, he later confides, took place in a coffee shop on the other side of town.

Tense.

It was on one of those romantic nights... We had earlier completed a lite-faire dinner and were now relaxing, snuggling together while enjoying a nice bottle of wine in front of the fireplace. Somewhere along the way, I had been prepared a hot bubble bath in our master suite. Later escorted upstairs; soft music filled the air as I was tenderly undressed, placed into the awaiting soaking tub surrounded by candlelight, then served up another glass of wine along with a touch of decadence – chocolate covered strawberries! Thinking he would soon join me, I was informed "This is all for you... enjoy!" I settled back and began to relax further; enjoying the tranquility I had been treated to. Listening to the bubbles as they shimmered about, his parting words were "indulge yourself until I come for you."
Under the Writer's Resources, there is a great article on "Making your Characters Talk" - http://literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml I also believe you have a few tense changes here. Although I'm not an expert at it, it sounds very awkward.

I have to admit, at this point, my interest really started straying. I think this was due to three things.
1) Perhaps it was me, but the story had a very passive feel to it. I didn't really "feel" what was going on. I felt like I was being dictated to rather than invited to enjoy the experience with you.
2) The exclamation points, the elipses and the tense changes are REALLY driving me nuts at this point.
3) The main character is hard to relate to. She never acknowledges her husband or the masseuse have a name. This might be necessary to a plot line in another type of story, but in yours, it makes the lead seem very self serving and selfish. She could have almost just said, "Do me." It made it very hard for me to relate to the lead character and doesn't really make me want her to enjoy her experience.

I think your descriptions and your use of vocabulary are good. It's obvious you have some talent here - you know how to turn a phrase. This partiular story, however, left me a bit flat. I hope you continue as I would be very interested to see a second story from you.