Please let me know I'm not alone and please help me if you can.

[ConfoundedWife]

My wife has been having an issue for a while now, and doesn't have anyone to talk to about it. I've suggested talking to people online, but she always worries that people who know her online persona might judge her, so I'm making this thread for her, and will be surprising her by handing her this account. If she doesn't want me to read it, I won't, and once she takes over, she can edit, erase or change this post to whatever she wants (this means there may be a chance that she won't respond again, but I hope she does). You would do her a world of good to let her know she's not alone, and offer some advice.

Keeping in mind that I have not been able to help her work through this, I'll give my interpretation of what's going on, and let her clarify later what I've got right and wrong.

My wife has always had issues involving sex, and lately it's been getting more difficult for her. She has a much lower sex drive than me, which makes her feel like she isn't satisfying me fully (Despite my telling her otherwise), and it actually brings her to the point of distraction when she actually is in the mood. At the beginning of the year, I started a new medication when makes it much more difficult for me to climax (i.e. I now take at least 45 minutes to finish). This has made her even less enthused about sex and now, every time we try, she starts worrying and overthinking about how long it will take, and we wind up stopping within two minutes.

She's not a fan of kissing or excessive physical contact, so increased foreplay doesn't help at all. In fact, sex seems like something she could take or leave, and she only wants it so I'll be happy. Nothing I can say really helps, and she doesn't feel she can talk to her friends because they all talk a lot about how much they enjoy sex, so she doesn't think they'll understand.

I just want her to be happy and get help with how she's feeling, even if it means we never have sex again. Any words of support or advice would be appreciated (keeping in mind that I may be getting things wrong). Please help her if you can.

 

[PhoenixDown_]

I have no expertise in this type of thing but I'm pretty sure that she will not be *happily* surprised to take on a profile named ConfoundedWife. Maybe you should surprise her by creating two join accounts together instead once your issues are resolved. That way, she gets to customize her account the way she wants, have the account name to be what she wants, and she can have you be with her on the site.

Just my $0.02.

 

[annabellsmith]

Refer her to her Dr!

 

[Koriander]

First of all, I symphathize with you and your wife and I think it's commendable that you try to work things out. I have no expertise in this to offer other than my own life's experiences, but I'll let you know what I think.

While I do think you mean well, I don't think your approach is a good one. If your wife really suffers from this situation, all action must come from her. There is nothing to be gained by taking matters out of her hands.

Opening this account for your wife does not help the issue. It just makes people wonder if the true problem isn't on your side. It seems like you suffer from the situation more than she does, yet you are asking people to help her, not you.

Another point is that this is probably not the right place for this kind of problem. People here are readers and (less so) writers of erotic fiction. But that doesn't make us qualified to deal with sexual issues. Sexual issues usually stem from psychological problems and should be dealt with by psychologists.

Last but not least: Are you sure your wife suffers from this situation? I have been in the situation of your wife. I was in a marriage where I wasn't that much interested in sex. Not because I had problems, but just because I wasn't that much interested in sex. Some people are just like that.

Since my partner wanted a fullfilled sex life above all else, and I couldn't support that, we eventually divorced. I'm not telling you that you have to get divorced, but sometimes if people have very different priorities in life, things just don't work out.

 

[sunandshadow]

Not because I had problems, but just because I wasn't that much interested in sex. Some people are just like that.

Yeah I was thinking asexuality or near-asexuality too, if she has been consistent the whole time you've known her. People who are inclined toward asexuality tend to find sex invasive, gross, or alienating; kind of similar to claustrophobia, though it isn't actually a phobia. Claustrophobia gets worse the longer a person has to endure a small space, so phychological discomfort of being an asexual having sex would probably increase with the length of the sexual session.

 

[Debbie]

Giving advice is always hard even if you're just offering an opinion.

Most of us here aren't therapists, drs or medical professionals.

But sometimes someone can say something that gives you food for thought, a new idea or just a place to vent. In this case venting anonymously might be of help to your wife or she might be mortified.

In my opinion if something seems to be wrong and you do nothing? Nothing changes.
But if you're brave and take a step towards saying that there might be a problem then a solution might be found or at the very least talking about it might help you both feel you're not alone.

Going to a Dr may help rule out if there are any medical issues that could be going on. Low libido, depression, hormonal imbalances could be possibilities but that's just me putting a few things out there.

Does your wife have a good relationship with her Dr and does she feel comfortable enough about asking questions on this matter?

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[oggbashan]

I don't think the idea of posting on an erotic website is going to work.

It shows a complete lack of respect for your wife's privacy, and that is a bad sign for your relationship.

The user name you have chosen doesn't help because it suggests that it is 'her' problem, when it isn't. The problem is the relationship between the two of you.

If that relationship was good, then a disparity between your sexual activities would be a minor difficulty that could be discussed and a compromise reached, if necessary with professional counselling.

The place and method you have chosen to air the problem are both wrong.

I think you should delete this account and apologise to your wife.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

This is not the kind of surprise that I personally would enjoy being given. But then, I'm not your wife. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Debbie]

I think it will depend on the wife how she might react.

I don't do airing my private laundry in public but I might see this thread as a way of trying to help.

So who knows.

I think it's so much nicer than a thread saying my marriage is sexless please fill my pm box with sympathy, sexy pictures, come ons and your email address, skype handle and a good time to catch you free for some comforting boobs and an understanding shag.

 

[bumlicker]

tell her

tell her "" fine we'll never have sex again ok ? " andim sure she'll say great! and be happier then a pig in shit!!!! good luck

 

[LustreMunky]

just man up and do something about it

 

[Debbie]

just man up and do something about it

Club her and drag her back to the mancave might work?

 

[LustreMunky]

better then looking at your ugly mug

 

[Debbie]

better then looking at your ugly mug

A cruel jab at the hideousness of a poor deranged creature?

How precious.

 

[LustreMunky]

seriously that's sickening to look at

 

[SweetErika]

CW, has your wife been to a good endocrinologist and sexual health specialist to see if there are any physical causes of her low libido? Have you two sought therapy?

I agree with others, pointing her to this particular account probably isn't a great idea. There are a lot of wise, compassionate people here, and she might find it therapeutic to vent and get some suggestions, but that's a decision she needs to make on her own.

If that relationship was good, then a disparity between your sexual activities would be a minor difficulty that could be discussed and a compromise reached, if necessary with professional counselling.

I agree with the rest of your post, Ogg, but I'm not so supportive of this point. I think it's very true in SOME cases, but not in others.

I have a very good marriage in general. We've had a few major issues, but we've worked through them as a couple, and my husband is my best friend, the only person I feel I can show all of my "warts" to.

However, when I got pregnant with my son nearly 5 years ago, my body went crazy. My orgasms became far less satisfying and sex became downright painful. My OBGYN wrote off my concerns, but when my son was about 6 months old, I saw a specialist and was diagnosed with vestibulitis. Forcing myself to have even occasional painful sex took its toll on me and our marriage. Having a baby and nursing killed my libido entirely (no desire to masturbate, even). Sex only started to feel OK (not pleasurable, but not bad, either) about a year ago, and my libido has started to come out of hiding occasionally in the past few months. My orgasms still aren't all that spectacular, and I'm guessing that's a result of pregnancy-related hormonal changes (my menstrual cycle is still fucked up) and perhaps some nerve damage caused by my c-section.

All of this has taken a huge toll on me, my husband and our marriage. We're sticking with it, and the friendship is still there, but it's been a hard road for us. I'm confident I'd have a different story to tell if I didn't have these sexual issues. Tough situations and feelings like guilt can have an impact on even the strongest relationships. Sometimes great marriages dissolve because couples can't find solutions that work for both people long-term.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm glad you're here, Debbie, and hope you'll stick around to share with us.

 

[oggbashan]

...

I agree with the rest of your post, Ogg, but I'm not so supportive of this point. I think it's very true in SOME cases, but not in others.

...

If they could talk about it, then any real physical problems could be identified and addressed. Apparently HE has the medical problem:

At the beginning of the year, I started a new medication when makes it much more difficult for me to climax...

In theory some of my medications could cause the same effect. But they don't, and I'm grateful. IF they did, I could be prescribed Viagra to counter that, and on the UK's National Health Service that Viagra would be a nil cost to me.

I'm sure I appear as unsympathetic to the original poster. I am. HE has the problem and he doesn't seem to recognise that. How many women fake orgasms to appear to satisfy their partners? Why can't he do the same?

He is asking advice for her. He should be asking for advice for himself.

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[Debbie]

I'm glad you're here, Debbie, and hope you'll stick around to share with us.

Thank you, I lurk in the how to shadows.

This is my problem with the OP. It's his problem and he's making it out to be hers.

Isn't it interesting how people read something and form different opinions?
Another reason why I find humans so fascinating.

I think it's touching that he is trying to reach out and help her. Is it purely selfish for his own gratification or to seek help to fix what he sees as his wife's problem?

Only he knows his true intentions.

 

[drinkz]

Hey NightL, whine much?

 

[ConfoundedWife]

Ok, So my husband just turned this over to me. I have never been on Literotica before. So bare with me. This is my thoughts and side to the issue
If sex was not part of the equation, our marriage would be awesome. But when you factor in sex, we have a few issues.
I have always had a lower sex drive compared to my husband and we have had our ups and downs in this department.
I know that I am not asexual. I definitly get turned on and want sex.
There is no pain when we have sex.

I think our sex life suffers for a variety of reasons. I work full time and we have 2 kids. By the end of the night, I am tired and just want to go to bed. I also constantly have a to do list in my head. It is just how my brain works. It is very hard for me to get rid of this. A lot of times, I view sex as just another thing on my to do list. I often just want my husband to get it done with so I can move on to something else or go to sleep.
Before he started his medication, this could happen. It was not the greatest but it worked for us. But know that he is on the meds, I know that it is not a quick process, so before we even start I feel sort of antsy to get it over with. Which makes it worse and then I just am done.
I am not and have never really been a physical person. Don't get me wrong, there are definitly times when I love to cuddle, kiss, hug my husband. But overall not physical. He has tried kissing and rubbing my body and I just get all edgy. Most of the time, I do not want him to touch my breasts. There are even nights where I do not want him kissing me. I say it makes me edgy because I feel like I want to fidget and it is very overwhelming.
I love my husband and I know that he loves me. We want to make this work. We have a great relationship outside of the sexual issues. I appreciate your thoughts on all this.

 

[sunandshadow]

Annnd the fact that the writing style of that post completely matches the writing style of the husband's original post is a total coincidence.

But ok, I'll grant the benefit of the doubt here. Aversion to sex connected with a feeling of being stressed out or busy is the single most common problem that couples successfully deal with by therapy or by one of the couple cutting back to a part time job. Having crossed so many potential problems off the list, these are the solutions you are left with, aside from medical checks or thyroid/hormone, or waiting until your kids are all 16+ and the one(s) left in the nest can do their own laundry and take turns making dinner.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't read the husband's and wife's writing styles as all that similar, but even if they are, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, too, CW.

I identify with much of what you're saying, CW. I'm a full-time mom, and even though I AM a touchy-feely person, I'm often "touched out" and just generally exhausted after dealing with our rather challenging son all day. Plus, our son is a night owl, and that tends to leave my husband and I very little time to connect with just each other. We really have to work hard to make that time and seize every little opportunity to connect because I REALLY don't feel like doing anything sexual if we haven't spent enough adult time together and connected on other levels first. Anyway, we've been working on prioritizing our relationship and spending more time together for the past few months, and that's helped.

Much of what you said about how you interpret touch sounds like something that's worth exploring with a good psychiatrist and/or therapist who's well-versed in adult sensory and other neurological and chemical issues. Maybe there's something else going on with you that can be worked on via different therapies if you wish to be more tolerant of touch. Perhaps not, but we're learning more about how people function everyday, and it could be one avenue you may want to investigate.