Please I need feedback

[niyah2]

Greetings to All,

I wrote this story called "Our Story" and submitted it about a month ago. I am unable to use my niyah account due to some foul up when I changed my email address from a hotmail to an literotic.org account. Anyway I would love to have some feed back and see what people really think about a story that is special to me. Please honesty is a must. I am a big girl. Grins.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=101796

thank you
niyah

 

[Pure]

Hi Niyah,

It's kinda interesting, but you're going to get lotsa criticism around punctuation and grammar. Tenses are kinda mixed, in the early part, then there's a shift to present for a helluva long time. That creates what's called the 'breathless' quality; a bit too much 'breathless', imo.

There's some imo confusion of styles between hardcore and 'romance' style as in 'dewy petals' 'emerald eyes.' I know the bdsm romance genre exists but it's tricky to pull off.

Example:Tongue slides out at least licking off the lush ruby lips. Sara hears His next command, which totally floors her.

We go from 'lush ruby lips' to 'totally floors her', from Harlequin to Valley Girl Teen. Like that's totally a clash of styles there grrrl.



Yes it's kinda hot, not super. That's because there isn't much character. The graphic details don't in themselves arouse, though there are some nice turns of phrase.

Personally I see writing abilities and a lovely dirty mind, but trying too hard in "writing". It's 'overwritten'. An overabundance of sentence fragments, for instance. Your knowing this. Effect lessening as the reader gets to expect it. Needing a lot of self discipline and pruning, perhaps by an editor.

Example of overwriting and etc.


Sara watches as Amy falls to her knees, ruby tongue moves out gliding over the tip of Master cock. Flickering [flicking?]it softly. Sara's sweet tongue caresses her full lip[overwritten in adjectives] as eyes watch the scene before her. She wants to taste Him so badly. The head of the Master's thick cock disappearing in Amy's hot wet mouth[cliche][frag]. He grabs the burnished curls yanking hard as He shoves full in her mouth. Taking it like He can[frag]. Hearing Amy moan[frag]. Sara squirms upon the table, the desire pooling up inside as she continues to watch Amy suckle greedily at their Master's hard member. [...]

Amy pushes up from the floor, her tresses of silken brown fall over the flawless flesh[this is romance novel style]. Moving to Sara placing her hands in the golden hair as the warm velvet tongue licks the cum from the covered face, slowly drawing circles and curves through it. Eyes of emeralds close as she continues with that heated tongue down Sara's back, still not touching with hands, just a tongue and the bruised lips. Ass still high in the air[frag]. A moan escapes as the lithe form[overwritten, adj] moves beneath Sara's upturned curves, the fingers separating the already dew laden petals[romance style].

 

[KillerMuffin]

I would suggest that you submit a "story" to the site explaining the problem with your account in as much detail as you can recall. It is possible to have the foul up fixed and any stories under the "2" account transferred to the original account. If it can't be fixed for you for some reason, then the mechanism that fouled it up can be fixed to prevent future troubles.

 

[niyah2]

KillerMuffin

Thank you for your suggestion. I sent 8 emails I would think that would be way morethan enough. I have received zero replies and have waited four weeks. So i resorted to allowing people tear my story apart. If you hear of a way to get my email to the right place I would appreciate it.

Pure thank you for your honesty. The first was not "over written" but literotica did not like it as it was so I changed it and had an editor from literotica that guided me briefly and then left. Yes literotica knows but did not list the editor as they did not see the project through.

thanks again
niyah

 

[Pure]

I don't entirely understand your situation. Your first account could not be used. The story is linked to that account. That's why you cant get feedback? So you set up a second
account so you could at least submit new stories?

If so, maybe forget the first account, do some editing, and resubmit the story under the new account with a note to delete the first version in the old account.

Why do you say you 'resorted' to letting people tear it apart.

I think KM is saying to 'submit' not a story but an explanation in the story box, and get attention that way. It appears you need to get the accounts consolidated, or maybe just forget the first.

good luck.

J.

 

[Vixandra]

I rather liked it. Bit strange on the sister thing but that's just me.
You do tend to swap tenses and there are quite a few fragmented phrases.
On the other paw, you've written rather well with three main characters, something hard to accomplish. Thier points and feelings come across as well formed and understandable. I like how he lovingly tends Sara at the end, giving closure and tenderness to the cycle. Show's he's a good Dom and I look forward to reading more about him and his little pair.