Please, feedback on my first story! http://english.literotica.com/stori...y.php?id=24

[MichelleMyBelle]

I would love to recieve feedback about my story. This is my first story to write. It was really at the heat of the moment, without much time for editing. I'll keep working harder! I envy all you fantastic writers! ; )
Thanks alot, MichelleMyBelle
story: http://english.literotica.com/stori...y.php?id=247244

 

[MichelleMyBelle]

The real link...

Here is the correct link..sorry! Thanks for your time. ; )
Michelle
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=247244

Hope it works!

 

[Fantasies-only]

It's the first day of spring. I am awake early, and sitting on our front porch admiring the beauty. The sky is crystal blue, and I can feel a slight breeze. Birds are chirping in the trees, singing their songs. The grass is covered with a thick carpet of young fragrant flowers. I'm wearing a thin ,white, cotton summer gown with spaghetti straps..that just barely covers my ass cheeks. I just sit back with my legs propped up and drift away.

Some people here don't like lengthy descriptions, but if it's crucial to the story, go ahead and do it.

You walk out, hand me a cup of peach tea, and sit next to me with a sweet smile..."Good morning my sweet Belle'" .."Good morning sweetheart".

As I'm telling you all about how much I enjoy the beauty of spring, I notice that your eyes keep glancing at my legs and all those places on me that you love the most. I smile , pretend that I don't notice, and I stand in front of you for a big stretch, causing my gown to lift ... exposing my bare ass.

When talking in the third person, as narrator or as a character's memory, give alll the characters names.
I guess what you did for your own character is ok, but we shouldn't have to wait till the second paragraph to find out the name of your character.

As I'm stretching, I feel your warm hands brushing up and down my outer thighs and hips, and I feel your lips kissing my neck and ear lobes. MMMMMM..... I gasp a sweet moan with a smile...the smile that I know you love so much. We just cuddle and hold each other for a few minutes...the whole time I'm wiggling my ass against you slowly... as I think about how warm and wet my pussy is, and how much I would love to feel your thick cock inside of me...mmmmmm!

"I just love the way all those flowers just popped up out in the grass!" I said.

You gave me that naughty smile and replied with "That's not the only thing that popped up around here."

Keep every thing said, including noises in quotations " ".
Noises not in voice can be in parentheses ( ).
In addition:
For a character thinking <"I wonder what would happen...">.
For narrator's summery: [The dark cloud disappeared, but dust and debris was everywhere. Eros is fucking his mother Venus, on a stage set for the pub's entertainment.]
I have seen { } used for multi paragraph descriptions which include a character talking, but that's more "old school" and is not necessary.
Voice: "Fuck me, fuck me, FUCK ME NOW!" and vocal sounds "Hmmm..."
Non vocal sounds: (woosh) or <pop>.

This next rule is more for a non sexual story:
Use * at the beginning of a clue to the plot, and * at the end of the first sentence where it is revealed.
If 2 places are like this in the story, you may add **, so not to get confused.
Don't do this too often.

In both kind of stories, don't change tence in midstream.

 

[bobocity]

Lots of great advice already, but ...

I'll add a bit more.

It might be a good idea to situate this story in a place. For example, it's the second day of spring here, and anyone in a gown that Belle is wearing outside for breakfast would freeze. There's still two feet of snow in my back yard.

On a more serious note, unless I were a serious exhibitionist, my neighbours would likely have a problem with me and the missus going at it in the way you describe. Why not either tell us these guys like to show it off, or that they live way out in the country? Set the stage for us a bit.

The biggest issue here grammatically is the mixing of tenses, as others have pointed out.

"as I think about how warm and wet my pussy is, and how much I would love to feel your thick cock inside of me...mmmmmm!" -- present.

"I just love the way all those flowers just popped up out in the grass!" I said." -- past.

Gotta resolve that.

A few other things: "saporific"? I just discovered it's a word, but mistakenly assumed you meant "soporific". Maybe it's a bit obscure to use. Same thing with "ruttish".

BBcty