Please, feedback on first story.
- Thread starter Randen
- Start date
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
Randen,
You'll have a better chance to get feedback if you post (use cut & paste) your URL.
RF
You'll have a better chance to get feedback if you post (use cut & paste) your URL.
RF
Plusses:
Pretty Damn Hot, always a plus in a sex story. You had 'sexy' pretty much down, and you kept the tension and sexi-tude tuned way the heck up for the entire story, it kept my attention pretty well. Nice.
Minuses:
Some pretty toenailish technical errors. Watch tenses and Commas. Also, if someone is in their senior year at college, they are almost certainly going to be older than 21. It was also a little hard to suspend disbelief sometimes, the unbelievability factor stuck out at me a bit much for some reason. Example, the king of the hill/tie to bed scenario. Definitely hot, but it seemed a little to unbelievable. Could just be my mood though.
Another wierd thing, I found it odd that the guy was having feelings of guilt about being turned on by his cousin hours after fingering the other one to climax. The emotions of the protagonist seemed to fly around a bit much, what with his nun-like restraint when cousin 1 wanted to jump his bones followed by teenage awkwardness when he ran into cousin number 2.
Final thoughts:
Very hot, very hot, very hot. All you'd have to do is tune up some of the more mundane details and you could have a solid story
-I
Pretty Damn Hot, always a plus in a sex story. You had 'sexy' pretty much down, and you kept the tension and sexi-tude tuned way the heck up for the entire story, it kept my attention pretty well. Nice.
Minuses:
Some pretty toenailish technical errors. Watch tenses and Commas. Also, if someone is in their senior year at college, they are almost certainly going to be older than 21. It was also a little hard to suspend disbelief sometimes, the unbelievability factor stuck out at me a bit much for some reason. Example, the king of the hill/tie to bed scenario. Definitely hot, but it seemed a little to unbelievable. Could just be my mood though.
Another wierd thing, I found it odd that the guy was having feelings of guilt about being turned on by his cousin hours after fingering the other one to climax. The emotions of the protagonist seemed to fly around a bit much, what with his nun-like restraint when cousin 1 wanted to jump his bones followed by teenage awkwardness when he ran into cousin number 2.
Final thoughts:
Very hot, very hot, very hot. All you'd have to do is tune up some of the more mundane details and you could have a solid story
-I
^^^Some pretty toenailish technical errors. Watch tenses and Commas. Also, if someone is in their senior year at college, they are almost certainly going to be older than 21. ^^^^
Randen is in the UK, where I believe, "college" kids are much younger. Am I right?
Very very tasty story.
It would need to be americanized to fix that age wierdness, but I like it the way it is. Yes, I like it very much.
Cheers ~ fey
Randen is in the UK, where I believe, "college" kids are much younger. Am I right?
Very very tasty story.
It would need to be americanized to fix that age wierdness, but I like it the way it is. Yes, I like it very much.
Cheers ~ fey
Feedback, Rumple Foreskin, Impetus and Cfey,
Rumple Foreskin, Impetus and Cfey,
Thank you for your feedback! Maybe a little late but, I am waiting for the edited version fom Hardman whom has highlighted the same problems. He came up with some good ideas as well.
On second thoughts, I should not have been so over-eager but hey, I am still a virgin.
Yes, I am writing from the UK. The other county I lived before (Southern Half), you could leave school at 16 and go to 'college', ie., technical, however, I am taking note about the American standards. I will change my spellchecker when writing.
In the meantime, I am working on the next one, keeping all the advice in mind, of course.
Thanks again!
Rumple Foreskin, Impetus and Cfey,
Thank you for your feedback! Maybe a little late but, I am waiting for the edited version fom Hardman whom has highlighted the same problems. He came up with some good ideas as well.
On second thoughts, I should not have been so over-eager but hey, I am still a virgin.
Yes, I am writing from the UK. The other county I lived before (Southern Half), you could leave school at 16 and go to 'college', ie., technical, however, I am taking note about the American standards. I will change my spellchecker when writing.
In the meantime, I am working on the next one, keeping all the advice in mind, of course.
Thanks again!
PrincessKatie
Experienced
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2002
- Posts
- 30
American rules aint got no place here.
UK rules!!!
It was a good story just had a few flaws here and there.
You will improve over time-just like the rest of us
UK rules!!!
It was a good story just had a few flaws here and there.
You will improve over time-just like the rest of us
