Please feed me.

[the_bragis]

I’ve branch off from the weird but not so wonderful stuff I usually write. My latest effort is in the Loving Wives category. It’s called John and Katie – Birthday Surprise. It’s had over 20,000 hits and more than 80 votes, which has me jumping for joy, but I’ve received no feedback.

I am particularly interested in the following:

If you weren’t reading it to give feedback, would you have read it to the end?

What was your favourite/least favourite part, and why?

Did you find the sex scenes easy to follow? Three isn't always an easy number you know?

Sure this isn’t the kind of thing that might happen often, if at all, but did it feel ‘real’ in your mind?

And finally when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face.

My new story.

Thank you,

Alex (fem).

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

If you weren’t reading it to give feedback, would you have read it to the end?

Yes, I would have read to the end. Very nice job.

What was your favourite/least favourite part, and why?

I liked the parts where he would ask himself if something was happening and then answered with what he wanted to be happening, wether it was or not.

Did you find the sex scenes easy to follow? Three isn't always an easy number you know?

Yes, you did a great job of keeping body parts straight and describing each scene. No one was left out and it seemed mechanically possible for all.

Sure this isn’t the kind of thing that might happen often, if at all, but did it feel ‘real’ in your mind?

Yes, it seemed very realistic.

And finally when you had finished reading it, did you have a smile on your face

Yes, thank you. I loved your story.


Now, after answering all your questions may I add a few things, nit picky, that you may want to look at.

Looking at her refection in the mirror opposite John could see her tight skirt had ridden up her hips as she spread her legs

this part reads a little confusing, to me at least.

He thought heard something outside

A missing word?

then walked her fingers all the way up one the side of her thigh

the word one stumped me. Should be on or not there at all?

You know your wife has told me all about what a virile man you are, John." Turning to Liz she added

Who is Liz?

Soon the mirrors were with a damp mist.

is there a missing word here? I guess it could work as is but seems like something's missing.

John looked down as wife and gently stroked her hair,

As wife? at his wife?

At first John had been concerned they maybe heard outside,

may be.



I hope I wasn't too nit picky, just a few things that jumped out at me. Great story Alex.


Wicked

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

the_Bragis,

A fun, hot, well-paced read. I did find a few typos. There were also a few spots which, IMHO, seemed a little awkward or confusing. However, most of my input is in CAPS and just style suggestions. Let me know if I’ve been more hindrance than help.

Rumple Foreskin

--

John closed his eyes, and let the back of his semi-naked body slide farther down the cool mirror towards the floor. As the two women lapped at his cock with their wet and warm tongues, he felt sure he must have died and gone to heaven.

* * * * *

Earlier that morning he had woken to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and croissants, his favorites, (WHAT?) and the sight of Katie his wife, (EITHER MOVE KATIE HERE AND OMIT THE COMMA, OR ADD A COMMA BETWEEN “KATIE” AND “HIS”) sitting beside him. She had prepared breakfast in bed for him – a little birthday treat. (ODDS ARE, SHE’S JUST SERVING HIM BREAKFAST IN BED.)

Rubbing his eyes he smiled and sat up as she placed the tray beside him.

"I have a special surprise today for your birthday," she told him, as she broke off a piece of croissant and lifted it to his mouth. She enjoyed pampering her husband.

“I don’t need gifts Katie, (TWO PEOPLE IN CONVERSATION, SELDOM CALL EACH OTHER BY NAME, EXCEPT IN SPORTS BROADCASTS. “TELL ME, DON SCHMUCK, AS A WASHED-UP, HAS-BEEN, DO WE HAVE A MATCH-UP TODAY, OR WHAT?” “THAT’S RIGHT, RALPH MONOTONY, WHAT IS THE WORD FRO….”) you’re all I need. You know that.” He smiled and let his lips envelop her fingertips as he took the morsel.

“Oh, but this is something we’ll both enjoy. You’ll see.“

“What-ever is she up to this time?” (DOUBLE-CHECK YOUR STYLE MANUAL, BUT IMHO, THOUGHTS SHOULDN’T BE IN QUOTATION MARKS. TWO REASONS: THEY’RE NOT QUOTES-WHICH ARE SPOKEN, AND DOING SO RISKS CONFUSING THE READER ABOUT WHAT REALLY ARE SPOKEN WORDS.) He wondered. Seeing her delicate pink nipples poking through (UNLESS THERE’S A HOLE IN THE FABRIC, I’D SUGGEST USING “AGAINST”) the fabric of her pale negligée caused more pressing matters to come to mind.

“You know what I would really enjoy right now(, COMMA) don’t you?“ He told her, reaching over and stroking her left nipple through the sheer fabric.

“No time for that now, ” (MIGHT OMIT “NOW” IT WAS HIS LAST WORD IN THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH) she told him, (OMIT THE TAG-WHO ELSE WOULD SHE TELL?) laughing as she jumped off the bed before slipping off to the bathroom.

“But it’s my birthday!” He (I KNOW THIS SEEMS ODD, BUT UNLESS THERE’S A UK/US DIFFERENCE, USE A SMALL “h” AS IN “…my birthday! he protested.”) protested.

The gushing sound of the shower was the only response he heard as he flopped back down onto his pillow. (MIGHT SPILL HIS COFFEE)

* * * * *

Nic's Leather was a store where they loved to shop. The sweet intoxicating smell of leather, the erotic toys and books were (A LITTLE CONFUSING, DO THE TOYS AND BOOKS ALSO SMELL?) always an enticement, however it was the hot little assistant behind the counter, Sugar, who made these shopping trips so enjoyable for John. What a little tease she could be. When(EVER) she leaned over as she served (WHILE SERVING) him, her tits would almost fall out of that tight little leather bustier she wore. (“SHE” THREE TIMES IN THAT SENTENCE) He felt certain she did it on purpose.

“The only way she could be more direct would be to just come right out and say, ‘Oh, look at my gorgeous body and tits! Oh, please, fuck me’,” he thought smugly.

Although a little gray around his temples, the years had been kind to him. His age gave him a certain rugged masculinity that had been lacking in his youth. Katie never lost sight of the fact that women found him attractive or how much he enjoyed their attention. (IMHO, THE LAST SENTENCE IS A SHIFT TO KATIE’S POV. IF YOU WANT THIS STORY TO BE IN OMNI THIRD PERSON, THAT’S NO PROBLEM. MY IMPRESSION WAS THAT AFTER THE OPENING PARAGRAPH, IT WOULD ONLY BE IN JOHN’S POV.)

Keeping a man like John happy and satisfied challenged her constantly to new and exciting heights of pleasure.

Upon entering the store Katie made her way to the clothing racks. John spotted Sugar over by the books. Creeping up beside her, he slipped his arm around her waist and gave her a gentle squeeze.

“How’s my favorite little tease today?” he asked, before letting his arm drop away.

His initial touch surprised her, but then recognizing his voice she pouted and replied. (TO ME, THAT READS LIKE A SWITCH TO SUGAR’S POV. IT COULD BE LEFT IN HIS BY ADDING “SEEMED” BEFORE “SURPRISED.” EVEN IF YOU’RE USING OMNI THIRD PERSON, IT’S USUALLY A GOOD IDEA TO TRY AND LIMIT SWITCHING “HEAD-HOPPING” AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. THAT WAS MY LAST NUT AND ACHE ABOUT POV, I PROMISE.) “But you haven’t seen me in weeks, how do you know I haven’t reformed?”

“Not a chance.”

“Not with men like you around.”

Looking over at his wife he smiled. How odd that she never noticed him flirting with Sugar? (PERIOD, THE SENTENCE MAY SOUND LIKE A QUESTION, BUT IT ISN’T) It was strange too, he thought, that she never seemed to notice the girl. She had been rather partial to a little bit of pussy herself (OMIT “HERSELF” IMHO, IT’S REDUNDANT) prior to their marriage. He shook his head.

“Women, they're so fucking focused when they're shopping,” he mused.

Ten years they had been married, (THIS IS JUST SOME STYLE STUFF. YOU MIGHT MOVE “TEN YEARS” HERE) and yet still (THEN OMIT “STILL”) she always found (AND OMIT “FOUND” THEN ADD “MANAGED TO FIND” THE FINAL VERSION WOULD READ, “THEY HAD BEEN MARRIED TEN YEARS AND YET SHE ALWAYS MANAGED TO FIND…”) new and exciting ways of arousing him. Just last night they had fucked for hours on that big feather bed of theirs, Katie in her barely there negligée, John in absolutely nothing. In his mind he could feel her now bumping up against him, her warm body partially covered in smooth satin and lace pressing up against his. (OMIT “PRESSING UP AGAINST HIM. YOU SAID ESSENTIALLY THE SAME THING EARLIER IN THE SENTENCE.) She never left him - every waking hour she toyed with his mind. The mere thought of her bare skin pressing up against his made his cock begin to stiffen. Katie - the one person whose presence alone made him totally happy.

Just then his thoughts were interrupted by her soft and sensual voice.

"I like these. They will look so good on you." She held up a pair of black leather trousers. The crotch was missing, and a metal ring hung from a strap attached to waist.

"I hope that ring's going to be big enough,” he told her, grinning and poking his finger through it.

Katie grinned back, but then began to wonder the same thing herself.

“Well let’s just see shall we?”

He followed her into (IF HE PINCHES HER WHILE THEY’RE STILL WALKING TOWARD THE CHANGING ROOM, THEN THIS SHOULD BE “TOWARD” INSTEAD OF “INTO” A WORD THAT TELLS READERS THEY’VE ENTERED THE ROOM.) the changing room and she squealed as he playfully pinched her ass. A young woman browsing nearby looked up and smiled. John glanced over at her and winked, but she had already averted her eyes down again. (MAYBE JUST “LOOKED BACK DOWN.” IF YOU WANT TO KEEP THE PRESENT LINE, THEN YOU MIGHT OMIT “AGAIN” SINCE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THE READER IS AWARE OF HER LOOKING BACK DOWN.)

Fortunately, the larger than usual changing cubicle was almost certainly (INSTEAD OF TWO CONFLICTING MODIFIERS, MAYBE “MUST HAVE BEEN”) built for two, as couples often shopped there.

John stepped out of his shoes and then began unbuckling his belt. He was about to unzip his trousers when Katie, placing her hand over his, stopped him.

"Why don't you let me do that for you," she purred, as she in front of him. He watched as she traced her lips with the tip of her wet tongue. Leaning forward, she clenched the tab of his zipper between her teeth, slowly pulling it all the way down allowing his trousers to drop around his ankles.

"You're such a horny bastard aren't you?" she told him, grinning and pulling the front of his shorts down to gain full access to his already semi-hard cock.

"You make me the way I am," he replied, running his fingers though her hair and grabbing a handful before gently pulling her head back. He looked down at her soft blue eyes and her sweet mouth. Yes, her sweet fuckable mouth, so full and deep in color, even without the benefit of gloss. Her lips seemed to form a small ‘o’. That thought had struck him when they had met all those years ago. He remembered their first night together, how they had talked for hours, then fucked until dawn. From that time on, he could never get enough of her.

She began rubbing the front of his thighs, the back of his thighs, then his ass cheeks, everywhere except where he needed it the most - his cock. He felt his heart thumping and his breath becoming short pants. My Katie the cock teaser was what he would teasingly call her, and that’s exactly what she was to him.

Looking at her refection in the mirror opposite(, COMMA) John could see her tight skirt had ridden up her hips as (WHEN) she spread her legs, and he now had a clear view of her sweet little panty-covered ass as it rested it (OMIT “IT”) on her heels. Katie kept her pussy shaved and he knew her delicate folds would be visible through such sheer white fabric.

“Is she wet yet?’ He wondered. “Fuck it, of course she is!” (WHAT DOES THAT THOUGHT HAVE TO DO WITH WHAT HE DOES NEXT?)

John pulled her face closer. He could now feel her warm moist breath on his cock and balls.

"Oh yes! Suck me baby. Suck my cock," he urged her.

"Oh yes! I love your big cock! You know I do"

Parting her lips slightly she let her tongue slip out to flick against his rigid shaft. Grabbing hold of the back of his thighs, she licked his cock from the base all the way up to the tip, opening her mouth wider to take his swollen cock head. She sucked hungrily. He soon felt her warm saliva dripping down onto his balls as he closed his eyes and listened to her slurping. (THAT’S A LOT OF DIFFERENT ACTIONS FOR ONE SENTENCE.)

John clenched his fists. His balls ached for release, but he wanted to make this last. He always did. A woman like Katie needed to be appreciated, the time with her savored. A low moan escaped him as he became immersed in erotic pleasure.

He thought (HE) heard something outside. Suddenly the door of the changing room swung open, abruptly interrupting the scene. (MIGHT OMIT THAT LAST PHRASE SINCE KATIE APPARENTLY DOESN’T STOP HER GOOD DEED.) Blinking, he was startled to see Sugar. Under different circumstances standing there with his cock fully exposed (BUT IT’S NOT “FULLY EXPOSED” IF IT’S STILL IN KATIE’S MOUTH, RIGHT?) he might have been pleased to see her, but now he felt his face burning with embarrassment.

"Hi, can I help you two with anything?" she asked, crossing her arms and smiling sweetly as she leaned up against the side of the door, seemingly oblivious to what was going on.

John fumbled about jerking his cock from Katie’s mouth, unsure of what to do or say. His wife however didn't seem surprised at all as (STYLE STUFF: MIGHT OMIT “AS” THEN BEGIN A NEW SENTENCE. she extended her(A) hand over to Sugar, then walked her fingers all the way up one the side of her thigh to the hem of her short leather skirt.

"Yes I think we need something a little bigger don't you?" she replied, "Do you have a room big enough for three, dear?"

Katie glanced up at her husband and with much satisfaction thought, “I knew you would be surprised, but you haven’t had the best yet my darling.” It had taken some planning, but now seeing the look on his face, she knew it would all be worth it.

Again Sugar smiled. "I'm so sorry ma'am we don't, but I'm sure we can all fit in here if we squeeze in close."

Sugar had come to work at the shop six months earlier. When Nicole, the owner of the shop (OMIT “OF THE SHOP” IT’S SELF-EVIDENT), told her 'always try to keep the customers happy', she most certainly had taken it to heart. Aged around twenty, (OMIT “AGED AROUND TWENTY,” UNLESS HER AGE IS IMPORTANT TO THE STORY.) with a well shaped body she didn’t mind showing off, Sugar hit it off with all the customers right from the start in her (DON’T’ BREAK THE DESCRIPTION. PLACE THE LAST PHRASE BEFORE “SUGAR” THEN OMIT “IN HER”) long black boots and figure hugging clothes.

As she stepped inside, her leather clad tits rubbed up against John. His open mouth and look of astonishment amused her, and (OMIT “AND” NEW SENTENCE) she giggled and shook her long blonde hair back over her shoulders.

"Oh look what we have here, I see someone's feeling horny," she observed, giving John’s cock a playful squeeze between her forefinger and thumb.

Katie lifted her hand to her mouth to stifle a giggle.

"You know around here, we like to make sure our customers are always satisfied,” Sugar continued, trying all the while to sound serious. “ So when you® wife asked me what I thought would be the perfect gift, I knew immediately what a man like you would appreciate.”

Confusion filled his head and his mind raced as he struggled to comprehend the situation. His cock however was way ahead of him, springing to a full erection as Sugar dropped down on to her knees (SINCE KATIE EARLIER, “dropped down onto her knees” WHY NOT JUST “KNELT” next to Katie. As he leaned up against the mirror his wife began running her hands up and down his left leg, Sugar took his scrotum and cupped it in one hand as she looked admiringly at his balls.

"You know your wife has told me all about what a virile man you are, John." Turning to Liz(KATIE?) she added, "I just love a man with a stiff cock and heavy balls, I really do."

Unable to think of anything to say, feeling a light sweat forming on his face and body, he gave her a wry smile and managed to nod his head. Katie just grinned.

His wife ran her tongue up his cock. Sugar did the same. His cock(IT) jerked and throbbed as the two warm and wet tongues lapped at either side of his shaft. Like two children sharing an ice cream one would lick, then the other. For an instant their tongues touched and they both giggled.

Then Katie’s expression changed to something more serious, as she locked eyes with the girl’s. Leaving her tongue lolling about on her lower lip, she pressed her open mouth against Sugar's. John watched as their sweet red lips merged. He listened to their soft moans and watched as the two women embraced and soon the sweet smell of feminine arousal filled the small cubicle. As the two women’s mouths slurped and smacked together, his own breath became heavier. Soon the mirrors were (COVERED) with a damp mist.

It seemed as if they suddenly remembered he was there, pulling apart and returning their attention to him. Sugar wrapped her fingers around the base of his shaft and slid her soft lips over his cock head. Katie smiled and watched for a moment, before moving behind (WHO?) to slip (OMIT “TO SLIP” ADD “AND SLIPPING”) her hands around in front of Sugar and (OMIT “AND” ADD “SO SHE COULD”) untie her (TO AVOID CONFUSION, YOU MIGHT CHANGE “HER” TO “THE YOUNG SALES CLERK’S) bustier. Within minutes her lovely young breasts had been released.

"You have such lovely breasts," Katie told her, as she reached around to play with Sugar’s pert nipples, rubbing them between her thumbs and fingertips. Sugars(TYPO, “SUGAR”) let out a satisfied moan to indicate her approval.

“Could it really get any better than this?” John wondered. ”Maybe if Katie were to finger fuck Sugar? Oh fuck, yes!”

As if reading his thoughts Katie pressed the front of her body against Sugar's back and let her hands slide down the girl's belly (ADD “AND THEN”) between her thighs, gently pushing them apart and enjoying the smoothness before tugging her skirt up. She smiled as she realized Sugar wasn’t wearing any panties.

Slowly she ran one hand up and down the inside of the girl’s left leg, as she leaned over to brush her lips softly against her neck. (PRONOUN CONFUSION. IT’S A TOUGH THING TO AVOID IN SEX SCENES. BUT PHRASE “BRUSH HER LIPS SOFTLY AGAINST HER NECK.” EITHER DESCRIBES AN ANATOMICAL MARVEL OR IT’S ASKING FOR TROUBLE.)

“You like that don’t you? I can tell you do, you’re so wet already baby,” she purred into her (“SUGAR’S” USE THE NAME FIRST, THEN A PRONOUN LATER) ear, smiling and prodding the soft folds of Sugar’s (HER) shaved pussy.

Katie then spread her own legs wider to (CHANGE TO “AND”) press(ED) her pussy up (OMIT “UP”) against the girl’s lower back.

“Is she really doing what I think she’s doing?” John questioned himself. Heated excitement shivered over his body. “Fuck it! Yes she is! She’s getting herself off against Sugar.

His view was partially blocked by his cock being sucked, (PICKY ISSUE, BUT HIS VIEW WAS PROBABLY BEEN BLOCKED NOT “BY HIS COCK BEING SUCKED,” BUT BY THE GIRL SUCKING HIS COCK.) but he knew all the same (MOVE “HE KNEW” HERE) exactly where his wife’s hands were. Yes, Katie was finger fucking that sweet young pussy. (KATIE IS FINGERING THE GIRL WHILE ALSO PRESSING HER PUSSY AGAINST THE GIRL’S BACK? MAYBE SHE CAN “BRUSH HER LIPS SOFTLY AGAINST HER NECK.” )

He felt his body begin to quiver. He couldn’t hold his orgasm any longer.

“I-I’m going to cum,” he managed to stutter.

Sugar moans were muffled as she continued to slurp on his cock. His words seemed to arouse her more, and she sucked harder, pressing her tongue firmly against him, her lips now touching his pubic hair.

Thrusting his hips forward, John felt his balls tighten, followed by the warm rush of his seed shooting inside Sugar’s wanting (WANTON, WAITING?) mouth. Determined to drain every last drop, she sealed her lips around his cock for several more minutes before releasing it.

John slumped against the mirror, letting his body slide down until he was squatting with his knees spread and his now flaccid cock dangling and almost touching the floor. (IF THIS IS THE SCENE DESCRIBE IN THE FIRST SENTENCE OF THE STORY, “John closed his eyes, and let the back of his semi-naked body slide farther down the cool mirror towards the floor.” THEN SHOULDN’T SOMETHING SIMILAR TO WHAT WAS DESCRIBED IN THE LAST SENTENCE OF THAT PARAGRAPH BE HAPPENING? “As the two women lapped at his cock with their wet and warm tongues, he felt sure he must have died and gone to heaven.”)

The two women, however, were not finished.

“You enjoyed that didn’t you Sugar?” Katie said, unbuttoning her own blouse then rubbing her bare breasts on the girl’s back.

“Mmm… yes. You’re such a lucky woman Katie.”

Both women remained on their knees as they turned to face each other (ONLY ONE WOULD NEED TO TURN.).

Katie noticed a milky fluid dripping from Sugar’s lips, and she leaned over to gently lick the corners of the girl’s mouth.

Sugar ran her hand up and under Katie’s skirt, slipping her fingers inside the crotch of her panties.

“You’re so wet.” Sugar told her, pulling her hand away and then licked her sticky fingers. “Sweet and wet.”

Upon hearing those words, Katie smiled and took Sugar’s hand and guided it back between her legs.

Placing one hand behind Sugar’s neck, Katie pulled her close and once again pressed her lips to her waiting mouth. As they kissed John could see their tongues flicking out each time they drew apart only to lock together again in a smear of scarlet lipstick.

Katie now used her other hand to explore fa®ther (TYPO, THOUGH I BET “FATHER” LOVED THE WHOLE SCENE.) under Sugar’s skirt.

“How sweet a shaved pussy is,’ Katie thought. “It’s just too bad this damn cubicle is so small, I wouldn’t have minded a little lick of this sweet one. Maybe another time.”

Sugar climaxed first, her young body quivering as she threw her head back allowing Katie to lap at her neck and breasts as she moaned and panted before finally releasing.

Seeing and hearing another woman reaching her peak excited Katie. Within minutes she too was rocking her body faster and faster against the fingers in her pussy. Obviously, Sugar had done this before. She(SHE’D) used her middle and forefinger to spread Katie’s soft folds and rubbed (RUB) her clit (, COMMA) slowly at first (, COMMA) between them. She (THEN) plunged both fingers deep inside while using her thumb to continue teasing Katie’s outer folds and clit (AS THE OLDER WOMAN ROCKETED TOWARD AN ORGASM.).

“Fuck me sweetheart! Fuck me!”

Cupping her breasts in her hands (OMIT “IN HER HANDS”) and (CHANGE “AND” TO “KATIE”) playing (PLAYED) with her own erect nipples, (NEW SENTENCE) Katie closed her eyes and cried out (MOVE THE LAST PHRASE TO THE END OF THE SENTENCE.) as her body convulsed in the pleasure that only another woman could give her.

John watched in awe and blinked in (CHANGE “IN” TO “FOR”) what felt like the first time several minutes. He felt a tingle in his groin and looked down to see his cock twitching and jerking.

“I’ll leave you two now,” Sugar said as she stood up to leave. “Please let me know if I can do anything else for you.” Opening the door just slightly at first and peering out to see if anyone was there, she turned and winked before slipping out. (WOULDN’T IT BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT THE BUSTIER BACK ON BEFORE LEAVING?)

John looked down as wife and gently stroked her hair,

“I love you so much, my darling.”

“I love you more.” It was her standard reply, but she meant it all the same.

“You really are my little Katie cock teaser aren’t you?”

She smiled and stood up, (CHANGE “STOOD UP” TO “BEGAN GETTING UP”) letting her erect nipples rub up against his body and allowing his cock to brush the smooth soft skin between her breasts. In the time it took her to trace her tongue up his belly and chest, he had a full erection.

John cupped (OMIT “CUPPED” YOU’VE USED THAT WORD RECENTLY. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE “TOOK ONE OF” her breasts in (EACH OF) his hands and gently brushed his lips across each of her nipples.

Katie responded by slipping her hands behind his neck then (NEW SENTENCE, OMIT “THEN” ADD “AFTER”) lifting one leg and then the other to lock them (CHANGE “TO LOCK THEM” TO “SHE LOCKING HER ANKLES”) behind his back. FOR MOST FOLKS, THAT MOVE WOULD REQUIRE A COOPERATIVE EFFORT.)

Her sweet pussy felt wet and warm through the sheer fabric of her panties and he knew he had to have her now.

Slipping his hands under her ass for support, and pressing (CHANGE “AND PRESSING” TO “HE PRESSED”) her against the side of the cubicle, (NEW SENTENCE BEGINNING) he (QUICKLY) grabbed hold of (OMIT “HOLD OF”) the crotch of her panties and impatiently ripped them to one side. (WITH BOTH HANDS UNDER HER ASS, HE RIPS HER PANTIES TO ONE SIDE?) He could now see her soft velvety folds as he stared down between her spread thighs. (I’M NO ANATOMIST BUT, IMHO, IF HER LEGS ARE STILL WRAPPED AROUND HIM, THERE AIN’T NO WAY.)

“Fuck me my sweet darling!” Katie begged as she felt his warm cock against her ass.

John lifted her slightly. He loved to hear her beg like that, even though she had no need to.

“Is this what my sweet little Katie the cock teaser wants?” He teased, letting his cock press against the heat of her swollen pussy lips.

“Yes, Yes! Fuck me!”

She began to squirm about, pressing her throbbing clit against his belly as her breasts heaved with each breath.

Her skin felt warm and damp against his, as(NEW SENTENCE. OMIT “AS”) her sweet scent filled his nostrils, (NEW SENTENCE) and (SUDDENLY) he could tease no longer.

Lowering her onto his hard shaft, he moaned as he felt her tightening (OMIT “HE FELT HER TIGHTENING” ADD “SHE TIGHTENED”) around his cock. (INSERT AN EM DASH) Contracting and releasing – (OMIT THE EM DASH) as if she was milking his cock with her cunt.

Her soft moans quickly became screams of sheer delight. At first John had been concerned they maybe (OMIT “MAYBE” ADD “MIGHT BE”) heard outside, but then (ADD “HE QUIT WORRYING.” OMIT REST OF SENTENCE) fuck it, he didn’t care. Fucking Katie was all that mattered.

Katie (, COMMA) with his hot cock inside her (, COMMA) became a slave to her own pleasure, unable to stop the burning (NEED?) inside her until her greedy little cunt had been satisfied.

As they writhed in each other’s arms John managed to whisper between breaths, “I’m ready to fill you.

“Oh, do it. Please do it!” (MIGHT OMIT BOTH “IT”)

And so he did. He thrust himself into her again and again filling her with his hot seed. Katie dug her fingernails into his neck and back as John rammed his cock into her sweet, wet cunt as she joined him in his frenzied climax.

* * * * *

As they drove home, John turned to Katie and asked, "Darling, have you noticed that new girl at the video store?"

She turned to him and smiled. (MIGHT BE MORE EFFECTIVE IF SHE NODS OR ANSWERS IN THE AFFIRMATIVE) "Well it's my birthday next month."

 

[the_bragis]

Thank you.

Hi Wicked,

Thank you, thank you. You're always such a sweety. I’m so glad you enjoyed it.

I must point out that I had the final edit on this story, so those little ‘o’s and such, are mine not Bridget’s.

Who is Liz? Oh shoot, I could have beaten myself silly when I saw that. I’m changing it right now, along with the other little slips.

***

Hello Rumple,

What can I say? “A fun, hot, well-paced read.” If only you knew what a thrill it was for me reading an author like you saying that about a story of mine, why you would have said it ages ago, regardless of what kind of garbage I was dishing up!

I had a little chuckle when I re-read that bit about how he would spill his coffee. Oh boy, I was so concerned about getting the sex choreographed right, yet I missed that!

Seriously, your advice as always is sound and extremely helpful. I’ll resubmit in the next couple of days.

***
Yo Doc,

I'm replying to your feedback here since I have a feeling you may have posted the SDC forum by mistake, and I don't want to ruffle KM and the others over there now, do I?

Your time and effort is always appreciated.

It’s kind of funny, you know that king of king clinches, ‘he thought he’d died and gone to heaven’, well I put it in, I pulled it out, in, out, in, out….. I know lots of people don’t like cliché’s, but then I thought well stuff it, that’s exactly how the old bugger would have being feeling wouldn’t he? A big mistake huh?

A more imaginative place/way to tell the reader it was his birthday? No, I think I disagree with you here. Call me old fashioned, but I find the bedroom to be a nice sensual place. You know what I always say? “If you’re tired go lay on the couch, ‘cause the bed ain’t for sleepin’ on!

A smooth flow rather than stopping and starting the action? Again I’m not sure I can totally agree with you here either. I felt it would have been just too easy, particularly with a ‘nice’ story like this one, for it get that “Once upon a time feeling…they lived happily ever after ” feel, if it was all chronological.

Yes, you are correct LW stories to all tend to be like this, but then isn’t that like me saying, “ I don’t like incest stories, because they always involve someone doing their relatives”? I guess it’s all a matter of what pings your string.

As for being ‘more organized’, well that’s something I still need to work on. I tired so very hard this time to ‘feed the information gradually’ and ‘get inside the characters’ heads’, like the advice I’ve been given and see others getting. I may have over done it.

More passion? I don’t know how I’m going to do that either, but I’ll certain be mulling it over.

What kind of name is ‘Sugar’? Cut me some slack here will you Doc?

Well, even if you didn’t really like my story… I still love ya!

***

Thank you for your time and imput.

Have a wonderful day,

Alex (fem).

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I posted this in the wrong place, so I copied it and pasted it here. Thsi is the review Bragis directed her comments at.
---------------------------

No, I wouldn't have read it if you hadn't asked. The main reason is that I find most loving couples stories dull. I'll come back to that.

Even if I hadn't known the category I thinnk your opening would have scared me off. Not your first opening: the bit about him sliding down the mirror half naked grabbed me at first, but then--horror of horrors--just as I'm about to take the bait you hit me with that King of Cliches: "He thought he'd died and gone to heaven." Any time I read that someone thinks they've died and gone to heaven, or that they couldn't believe how good something felt. I'm ready to bail. If you'd said almost anything but those two cliches I would have stuck with you. But that cliche just ruined the flash-forward for me and counted a two strikes right from the top.

Now we come to the bedroom scene.

Surely there must be some other way to tell us that it's someone's birthday other than by having us come into his bedroom when his wife's serving him breakfast in bed, and yet this is what we see time and again. Admit it: the whole point of the scene is to tell us it's John's birthday; that's all. Isn't there a more imaginative way of doing this that would move the story along better too? Because consider, after setting up the scene and telling us it's his birthday, you have to stop the scene, stop the story, strike the set and take us out to the leather shop, breaking the story with a bunch of asterisks. You're going to dilute the action, spreading it over the course of the day when the real story only happens in the leather shop over the course of a hour or so.

Couldn't you start with him entering the shop, all excited and eager because it's his birthday and he knows that Katie has some surprise set up for him? That would probably have helped the believability too, since that would let us know or guess how Katie had set this thing up. She'd probably just finished arranging things with Sugar. ("Sugar"? What kind of name is "Sugar"?)

Well, that's what I would have changed structurally.

Now: it seems to me that 9 times out of 10 when you've got a loving couples' story with "Birthday" in the title, right away you know the basic plot: the wife's going to set up a 3-way with a girl she knows hubby's had his eye on. So we already know the basic plot. What then, is going to drive the story?

Here's where I have trouble with loving couples stories, why I usually find them boring. We know that they're a loving couple: they start out in love, they'll end up still in love. Maybe one of them witll have their horizon or sexual repetoir expanded a little, but other than that, we can be pretty sure that nothing really is going to happen between beginning and end. So there's no dramatic tension. So what's going to keep a reader reading?

Well, they might be fascinating characters, but that's kind of doubtful. The truth is, all happy couples are pretty much happy in the same way. Another way is to make the sex unusually imaginative or intense, but intense sex involves emotions beyond the scope of the typical loving couple. Katie is not the type to come out in a dominatrix outfit and start riding John around the store.

It seems like the best chance you have for sustaining interest is by writing a really good, juicy and lyrical description of the sex and how it reflects their feelings for one another. That's hard. It's worth doing, but it's hard.

As a result, this story, though sweet and lovable, felt kind of flaccid to me. It was like looking at someone else's vacation slides. Again, this is just me.

You've got two habits that jumped out of me as a writer: you let yourself use too many cliches, and you need to get more organized (& I never thought I'd be telling anyone else to get more organized). There's a tendency to throw in a bit of description--of Sugar for instance--right in the middle of the action, a tendency to disrupt the action with John's musings (he does seem to muse a lot), things like that. It gives the story a kind of chatty feel.

I wanted to like this story. I mean, what's not to like? But for me, I need something more that I can sink my teeth into. More sensual detail, more passion, I don't know.

As for the ending: the ending of story--the end of the action--actually occurs in the leather store. That little bit at the end is actually an exit line, a punch line, a little twist to let people know that the show's over.


---dr.M.

----------------------

 

[dr_mabeuse]

More blather

I can't seem to get on the right boat here. I just posted some more comments to Bragis in a PM. I should have laid them out here. Let me repeat some of them.

First of all: shame on you Alex! He did not feel like "he had died and gone to heaven". He felt incredibly good, as if all his sexual fantasies were coming true, as if these were the most exciting sensations he had ever experienced in his life, but at no time would he have been questioning his own mortality, wondering over the fact that the world after death looked like a dressing room in a leather shop, or even have been curious that the first thing he perceived after shuffling off this mortal coil was the feeling of a woman's lips on his penis. So that was not exactly what you meant.

I make a big stink of this because when you say that "he felt as though he had died and gone to heaven" is exactly what you meant you're falling into the very trap that makes cliches so seductive and dangerous to writers, and why they warn you away from them.

"Died and gone to heaven" is a cliche meaning "I'm enjoying this so much that I can't imagine anything better", and that is what you exactly meant to say. It's very graceless the way I've said it, but it's your job as a writer to find a new way to say that that makes it fresh and meaningful to us.

When I see a cliche, I know that the writer has reached beyond his grasp. Words literally fail him. His skills have let him down and he's forced to go back to the stock expressions we use in everday life and hope that the reader will somehow be able to fill in the details that he's unable to. A cliche is almost always an admission of failure to me, a sign of weakness, a paucity of imagination. There must be a better way to say whatever the cliche is trying to get across, and that's one of the real tests of the writer's talent and ability.

Usually we forgive the cliches, or at least a lot of them, but this one is placed in such bald prominence, in such an important position, that it just jumped out as if all proud of itself. To me, you'd might as well have said "Telling you how good he felt is just beyond me!"

Yes, I guess I feel a little strongly about the issue. Someone once described writing as telling a story without using cliches, which isn't a bad definition it seems to me.

As far as your other questions: no, I didn't miss the descriptions. I really don't know if they would have helped or hurt things. I'm unusually sensitive to the usual authorial tricks for working in descriptions (the hackneyed, "She looked at herself in the mirror...", the insinuating, "Brushing his dark curly hair away from his forehead..." ) They make me cringe when I read them. I really don;t know what would have been gained by adding decriptions.

Realism? Well, I don't know. I think that you're probably asking about dramatic plausibility more than actual realism. It's porno real, yeah. If you mean, does it seem like it really might be true, like it really might have happened, I would say no, of course not.

First of all, he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would hang around in a sex shop long enough to be that familiar with the girl who worked there. Admittedly, there are some sex stores that have labored mightily to change their image and attract a younger and more respectable clientelle, but I still can't imagine how he and his wife could be in there often enough to become such fast friends with the girl that worked there (or, in fact, that any one girl would work in a sex store long enough to get to know any of the customers). Maybe I missed some explanation in the story? In not, then this familiarity could so with some explaining, or so it seems to me.

I've been in one sex shop in my life that was staffed by a woman, and she was not the kind of person I would want to even touch, let alone have a three-way with.

Three-ways themselves, from my limited RL experience, never go this smoothly or are all that sexy. I know: this is porn, and porn lies, but you asked if this seemed real and, from my experience, I would have to say no. There are a lot of interesting things that go on in a 3-way, but few of them are sexual. They're more about how people try to deal with the embarrassment and yet try and get what they want. As far as I know, no one has even written a realistic 3-way as I know them, not in Lit anyway.

Finally, I have to support my objection to the name "Sugar". Maybe things are different in NZ. Maybe they're even different outside of where I live, but here a woman named "Sugar" is akin to a woman named "Baby" or "Cutie". I exaggerate, but not that much. The connotations of that name are basically whorish, or at best trampy. Maybe that's what you wanted to suggest in your character, I don't think so though. (Wouldn't a Victoria or an Alexandra have added an interesting fillup to her character?)

As I told Alex in a PM, I really wanted to like this story. I was all set to like it. And I guess I did somewhat. But it seemed like one of those stories one writes that are not great, but good enough, and it struck me as curious that you would ask for feedback on it.

My final opinion: it's a nice little story, but it's nothing special. I still think the bedroom scene was superfluous, but hey.

---dr.M.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

dr_mabeuse makes lots of good points, about this specifically and about the burden of cliché.

Though Rumple Foreskin is mainly pointing out real errors, I disagree with a few of the stylistic recommendations. In particular, RF seems to have a thing against the conjunction 'as', and several times unnecessarily suggests changing it. 'Almost certainly' isn't two conflicting modifiers, it's a standard compound. 'His favorites' obviously means, and can only mean, his favourite things for breakfast; however, this is part of the birthday cliché so shouldn't be there.

Anyway, here are a few points not previously covered.

Rubbing his eyes he smiled and sat up

Clichéd image on a par with brushing his hand against his forehead and saying 'Phwoo' to indicate hard work, or smacking his hands together crosswise after he's finished something. Would anyone really do this? Smiling and sitting up deserve a more original treatment. You're not really describing them here at all--you're just saying 'he was pleased'.

Upon entering the store Katie made her way to the clothing racks.

No need to mention entering the shop; she can't get to the clothing racks any other way. This is typical of several places where you've mentioned an action that can be assumed without loss.

Just then his thoughts were interrupted by her soft and sensual voice.

Interrupted by her voice. Possibly she was adopting an extra soft and sensual tone for this particular interruption, but that possibility is outweighed by the erotica cliché of throwing description into sentences where it doesn't belong: his handsome tanned body, her pert blonde 36B clit.

he told her, grinning ... Katie grinned back

I have problems with smiling in my own writing. I have people smiling in various ways, and have to find ways of distinguishing them all and not overusing the word. But grinning is a specific action that just isn't suitable for most kinds of smiling, and almost always feels like an erotica cliché to me.

blocked by his cock being sucked

When Dr Seuss visits it means you haven't re-read it for tone and rhythm.

I wouldn't have read it to the end, but I read very few beyond the first paragraphs. The layout of the sex scene is okay, with Rumple Foreskin having read it more closely than I did, and commented. My general remarks: In any story with two people of the same sex you will get problems with pronouns: some are trivially acceptable, like 'she told her', and some are usually acceptable given context, like 'she took her glasses off' or 'she touched her arm in sympathy'. Erotica is particularly sensitive to the descent into the ridiculous, so anything that's ambiguous enough to conjure up an impossibility will break the flow. If she kissed her nipples, we're trying to work out what happened, or even whether it's feasible, instead of being swept along in the sensuality.

 

[the_bragis]

Thank you.

Hi Doc,

Thank you for your further comments. You always make sense and excellent points.

He no longer feels he has died and gone to heaven, and 'Sugar' has been dropped.

You asked why I would ask for feedback on this story. Well, I would like to improve my writing. A lot of my other stories just simply aren’t everyone’s cup of tea… Doh! There I go again. What I mean is - many of the stories I have written are about topics that don’t have a wide appeal. I won’t read or give feedback on incest stories. I respect and understand a lot of people don’t enjoy some of kinks I do, so it’s really a waste of time to ask for feedback on those.

* * * *
Rainbow Skin,

Thank you also.

Oh, and the ‘Doctor Seuss’ line had been dropped. When I re-read it, I realised it was very much like that wasn't it? Hey wouldn’t “Green Eggs and Ham” make a great parody? “I would not could not suck a cock. Not in a car, not in a bar…” Sorry, I digress.

Your knowledge, and willingness to share it, is a true asset to this forum.

* * *

Have a great day,

Alex (fem).

 

[dr_mabeuse]

"Blocked by his cock being sucked."

I'm afraid I won't be able to get that line out of my mind for days. Maybe it's Suessian--and it certainly does grab one's attention--but as a way of conveying the feel of a big piece of meat in your mouth, isn't it just perfect?

---dr.M.