Please critique my story

sexymathstudent

Really Experienced
Joined
Mar 7, 2007
Posts
152
Hi, I'm hoping some experienced writers could give me some advice on this work in progress.



My CFNM Domination Experiences

During high school I began to have a bit of trouble. To be specific it was gym class. I was in the habit of wearing boxer shorts; I had switched from briefs because "tighty whities" were going out of style and boxers seemed to provide more comfort. It was long before I noticed that this undergarment choice might lead to trouble. You see, my cock had grown quite large during puberty (especially in the length department), and inevitably I would look down, during basketball or running about, only to see my cock swinging around wildly.

I tried to convince myself that no one noticed such things. But it was not long before I began to notice the occasional female stare. Her eyes lingering on my package for a moment too long. Once, as I turned my head to pretend I hadn't noticed, I thought I saw a girl smile and wink. Part of me was embarrassed, but the other part of me was strangely aroused. Sometimes, when I felt glances slid across the loose fabric that thinly covered my flopping meat, I could feel it swell up. I never got a full erection in gym class (thank god), but it did grow. And that is when things got interesting. While playing baseball, out in the field on a windy day, I was quite annoyed by the fact that the wind was blowing straight toward me in the outfield; a rather embarressing situation considering that this caused the fabric my low hanging shirt to mold itself to my crotch.

I tried (stupidly) to nonchantely pull my shirt away from my body. When a female student noticed my doing this she asked loudly, so everyone heard "what are you doing?" I was forced to let go of my shirt while everyone on the field looked over at me. The cute brunette playing third base looked back at me and laughed. I was completely flustered, there wasn't a doubt in my mind, she knew what I was doing. She took a long stare at my cock and then looked me in the eyes with a big smiled that said, "Ha ha I see your dick." Later, as we walked back into the school, she passed me and said "nice penis."

Then she giggled and ran ahead. On a different day, during the same school year, we were doing jumping jacks in big circle when I noticed the girl across from me pointing at my cock-area and whispering in her friend’s ear. Her friend took a glance in my direction, then down toward my crotch, and shouted "ewwwww.... gross." The whole row of about 4 girls began laughing hysterically. When I looked down a realized my cock was bouncing straight upward obscenely. I tried to slow my jumping jacks down to control the motion but the female teacher yelled. "Keep going...don't slow down!" She had this smile and she looked over at the girls. I was forced to continue the jumping jacks. I tried to pretend I hadn't noticed anything unusual, but I could feel the head of my penis rubbing against the front of my boxers making me even more aroused. I just looked straightforward. I couldn't help be notice that all the girls across from me were still looking. It wasn't long after that I overheard a girl call me "flopper."

My stepsister was in the same grade as me and her friends would often sleep over our house. While swimming in our pool my sister and her friend would often swim under my legs and in front of my shorts, making comments like "your shorts look funny... they are sticking out." Then they would giggle knowingly to each other. Apparently my cock floated horizontal to my body while under water. They seemed fascinated by the effect this had on my
shorts.

I began to wonder, around this time, if I had an unusually long penis. It seemed really long when I was hard; especially in comparison to my otherwise average size. If it got hard it was impossible to hide. As we swam about in the pool it would often get hard as a result the games we played. Often these games involved touching. We were especially fond of Marco polo. From time to time my arms, hands, or some other part of my body would brush up against their soft breasts. They both had large breasts that they showed off by wearing small tight bikinis. Inevitably my cock would become hard, inciting a wry comment like "hmmmm.... I thought I felt something down there" or "ewwwww. stop poking me with that."

Once, as we played Marco polo, my eyes were closed and I was reaching out and accidentally grabbed a large breast. Immediately felt I hand wrap around my cock. It was the most exhilarating moment of my life. I was still a virgin. Never had a woman put her hand on my cock. Well, there were those occasional moments during Marco polo but this was different. Not only did she touch my cock, my sisters friend held it firmly in her hand. She gripped it tight like the handle of a knife and she didn't let go. Of course I has raging hard so the tips of her small fingers just barely wrapped around to touch her thumb. Then she looked me in the eyes and said, "If you grab mine, I'll grab yours." I didn't realize at that moment that this action would open the floodgates. Now that she had grabbed it once she knew she could grab it again. And she did.

Later that night, I was in a complete frenzy. I was nervous, excited,... but above all I was horny. I laid in bed thinking about those small soft hands grabbing my cock, making my cock feel even larger in comparison. I had heard her say to my sister as we left the pool, "your brother has a big penis." My sister quickly responded, "Yeah. I told you." They were a little ways behind me, but they knew I heard. As I lay there in bed, I imagined that my hand was hers as I stroked my cock. Then I replayed the moment in my head and the words I heard them say.

I was in the habit of stoking my cock for at least a half hour and by the time15 minutes passed I was always in heaven with my fantasies as the endorphins flooded my mind. We lived in a small house and my sister's room was right next door to mine. I knew there was a chance she could her, but I had long ago given up on trying to cover up the sound of my masturbating completely. It was impossible, especially if the house was quite, as it always was at night. What had to be done had to be done, I just hoped she and her friends had fallen asleep.

But tonight I wasn't that lucky, sure enough I began to hear them giggling and occasional sentences like "oh my god" followed by outbursts of laughter. I was too far-gone to stop now. From the next room heard "yeah do it!" I had to release what was inside me so I continued masturbating, trying vainly to cover the noise with the few blankets I had during summer. Then I heard something that made me almost loose it.

I heard my sister say "go into his room.... I dare you!" I was at a complete lose. What was I to do? I had to make a decision fast! Then I did something that surprised even myself. I quickly pushed the blanket below my cock. It sprang into view. It looked long and thick in my hand. I began stroking it from the base to the tip slowly to emphasize its size. Then I closed my eyes and continued stroking; pretending I had no idea what was about to happen. A tilted my head back and waited.

I heard someone outside my door. A moment passed. Nothing happened. I heard the door slid open slowly. It must have only been opened a crack. I imagined her peeking at me as I acted as though I was unaware of her presence. I closed my eyes tightly and focused on the sensations in my cock. There was silence.

Then I heard her walk away from my door. I thought perhaps she had left. I was relieved. I had shown her my big cock and that was that. I got my exhibitionist desires satisfied. There was silence. Then, to my surprise, I heard someone walk back to the door. Though the door was still open, I heard it squeak as it opened slightly further.

Moments passed. I knew I was being watched by both of them now and I was loving it. I put on a big production of stroking the entire length of my fully engorged shaft and burying head into my pillow; so it would seem that I couldn’t hear them because of the pillow. Then the steps headed away from the door. I heard the door gently close. Now, I thought, it was definitely over. They had both spied on me and saw my cock. The giggles I heard from the next room confirmed this suspicion.

My mind was totally spinning right now. A few minutes later I was about to cum.Then suddenly the door flew open and in flew two giggling women. "Hey flopper!" I heard one of them yell. My sister looked amazed and began laughing and pointing "ha ha ha wanker...."Her friend looked completely stunned. She stared for a moment and then ran toward the door, only to be impeded by my sister. I made I big show I trying to cover myself up.

Conveniently, the blankets caught on the edge of the bed, allowing me a few extra moments of exposure. My sister said, "stop... don't run through the house.... you'll wake up our parents." Her friend stopped and she closed the door behind her. "Quick... grab the sheets." she said. Then she grabbed the sheets and blankets from the other side of the bed. I didn't put up too much of a struggle and my cock quickly fell in to view.

It had softened slightly, but it was still in an impressive state sprawled over my left thigh. "Quick... hold him down..." I heard her say. It was then that I noticed the ruler in her friend’s hand. My stepsister jumped onto my chest. I was now lying completely flat on the bed under her weight. "Quick.... measure it...." Then I felt a hand grip my cock and wooden ruler press against it. My cock had fallen onto my belly. From behind her I barely heard " oh my god! 8 inches!...now lets go!"

I expected her to get off me but she stayed on top of me. Deciding what to do I guess. She didn't want to waste this opportunity. “No! Hold him!” she said as she leaned forward to constrain me. Her large breasts were now pressed firmly against my face. I noticed she was not wearing a bra. Only a thin nightgown that loosely slide between her soft breasts and my red panting face. Her breasts felt so nice and soft. They seemed much larger when she wasn’t wearing a bra. I pretended to attempt an escape.

But, of course, I didn’t want to. Not yet at least. “I dare you to give him a blow job.” I was completely alarmed and totally in shock. So many emotions were flooding my mind, but I didn’t believe for a second that I was about to get my cock sucked for the first time. To my complete shock I almost immediately felt lips wrap around the head of my engorged cock. It was so hard now that it was throbbing. I felt the unfamiliar sensations of a tongue sliding around the head of my cock.

My stepsister’s nipples had grown hard. And I realized that she was purposelySliding her large breasts over my face, disguising this act of teasing as merely the accidental result of her struggle to hold me down. She turned her head to see what Her friend was doing. She seemed fascinated for a moment. Then she lifted herself up a bit to get a better view.

Her tits dangled above my face. “Can you deep throat it” A moment later I felt her warmth completely engulf my cock. It was so soft. “Wow!” my sister yelled. Then I blew more jizz then I ever thought possible into her mouth. My sister, not realizing what happened, asked why she stopped. Her friend replied by spitting a huge wade of cum into her hand. “Ewwwwww. Gross. You’ve been cummed on.” Her friend looked furious and jumped on her, smearing the cum all over her face.
 
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You lost me with the first paragraph. You state that all of the characters are 18 and over, but you write it like they were 14.
 
I read your story. Whilst it certainly had more than a few errors, it wasn't the worst i've ever read! On the whole, as a simple stroke piece it was not too bad. You just need an editor to help clean up the spelling and grammatical errors. Don't be disheartened - we all have to start somewhere and with a little help you could do okay. :rose:
 
rachlou said:
I read your story. Whilst it certainly had more than a few errors, it wasn't the worst i've ever read! On the whole, as a simple stroke piece it was not too bad. You just need an editor to help clean up the spelling and grammatical errors. Don't be disheartened - we all have to start somewhere and with a little help you could do okay. :rose:

You're far more generous that I am today...LOL...
 
drksideofthemoon said:
You lost me with the first paragraph. You state that all of the characters are 18 and over, but you write it like they were 14.



yeah. that was dishonest. after writting it i recalled that lit has a policy about underaged ppl in stories. so i just said they are 18. but they are more like 16.
it is based on events in high school so thats hard to avoid. all the girls in my stor are well developed though. i like big breasts and bushes.
 
You sure don't handle harsh critiques on your writing well enough. :rolleyes:

eta: "critique" is a noun, the verb form is "criticize," BTW.
 
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FatDino said:
You sure don't handle harsh critiques on your writing well enough. :rolleyes:

eta: "critique" is a noun, the verb form is "criticize," BTW.


i don't consider "no" a critique. I wanted real advice. and the question was obviously directed toward the person i quoted.
 
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sexymathstudent said:
i don't consider "no" a critique. I wanted real advice.
You could have asked why he didn't like it instead of insulting him. Also, your question was a yes/no question, therefore, his answer was legitimate enough.

and the question was obviously directed toward the person i quoted.
What does this have to with my post? :confused:
 
Be Careful What You Ask For...

You may have instead worded the initial thread as "Trying To Write, How Can I Improve?" or something of the like. Using a word like "Criticism" invites all types of responses which you have to be prepared to accept gracefully, or not, your choice (as was exhibited).

PM me if you're interested in assistance, as I'm an editor, mentor, and writer. Save the drama for your stories <wink>, and your energy for the rewrites.
 
sexymathstudent said:
i don't consider "no" a critique. I wanted real advice. and the question was obviously directed toward the person i quoted.

I'm sorry, I don't care for thinly disguised underage sex stories.

There was no real plot to your story.
 
I tried to read this, but I started to laugh and had to stop.
It's supposed to be someone over 18, but they sound about 12 or so in places.
Sorry, just My opinion.
 
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