Please critique my poem

[Gonekrazed]

"Tiss a Shame"

I saw her, the one I completely loved,
For the first time last night, I thanked all the stars above,
Yet she could not think of my name,
And all you could say was,
"Tiss a shame sir, tiss a shame."

My grandfather has recently contracted cancer and its too late,
The doctors give him two weeks to endure and contemplate,
But in the meantime he has gone completely lame,
Yet all you could respond was,
"Tiss a shame sir, tiss a shame."

I have ceased to live and have become an unseen guest,
I lay buried awaiting nature's conquest,
But looking up to my funeral I realized no one came,
Except you, of course, repeating the whole time,
"Tiss a shame, tiss a shame."

I have been burning for my sins for decades now,
Though only days have past for you, I can’t fathom how,
And only you can I blame,
As Lucifer laughs singing,
"Tiss a shame, tiss a shame."



There it is. I have a lot of poems but I just picked this one to post. I have never posted any of my poems prior to this one, in case anyone was wondering. I am graduating High School this summer and I am thinking about going to into Literature so I would love to talk to people with the same ideas as me. Or if anyone could give me any knowlegde about what they did in persuing an eglish major. Any help would be greatly appreciated. You can email me at Gonekrazed@yahoo.com

 

[Ms_Kat]

I'm not generally in love with poems concerning going to Hell. However, I think you did a decent job working with a difficult rhyming sceme. My advice for improving it - put some emotion into it. It is a very emotional topic, but it tends to just lay there. I didn't even get misty - down there or anywhere else.


Hugs,


Kat

 

[HomerPindar]

Prehaps a chorus? if it is to be a song, and it has something of a song quality there, the meter might need some tweaking - but I suck at meter, so I'll let it go from there

HomerPindar

 

[Angeline]

Literature is a great choice (well, I'm a former English teacher, so of course I think that, lol.). If you learn how to write clearly and expressively and learn to use the study of literature as a means of developing logic and rhetoric, you will never want for work. People will seek you out--there are not many really good writers around.

Also, the study of literature--which in a sense is the study of storytelling--is just a lovely way to know the world.

I like your poem. Your writing is good, but you need to develop, to become more descriptive and specific. The best way to do this is to read, expose yourself to lots of different writers and see what appeals to you. And keep writing. That's the way to learn and grow.

Here are a few sites I think are great for exploring poetry to see what you like:

Poetry 180

Vers Libre

Toolkit for Poets

Best of luck,
Angeline

 

[Gonekrazed]

Thanks everyone for the help. I will try to put more emotions into it and see what happens. From there I can see about the meter. And those are great great links. Thanks

 

[N8Dreams]

it sounds not erotic to me.

 

[Angeline]

i don't think this one is supposed to be an erotic poem.

 

[Gonekrazed]

No it wasn't intended to erotic at all just a normal poem.

 

[HomerPindar]

No it wasn't intended to erotic at all just a normal poem.

Oh my gawds, there's such a thing as an abnormal poem?!



(don't mind me Gonekrazed, I've been sitting in a computer lab for WAY to long now )

HomerPindar

 

[Angeline]

Oh my gawds, there's such a thing as an abnormal poem?!

What's your excuse, Homie? I write em all the time!

 

[Gonekrazed]

Define normal.... Normality is just a figure of speech.

 

[HomerPindar]

Define normal.... Normality is just a figure of speech.

A figure of speech
is but a figure of speech
but is the pit of a peach
a figure of speech?
or is a peach
as a figure of speech
far too poetic a reach?

Yes...I'm back in the computer lab.

And Ang, as you surely know by now, there's no excuse for me

HomerPindar