Please criticise my work?

[Seths_domain]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=379353

I have two others "Caught" and "SVU"

"Caught" hasn't gotten the biggest fanbase; but I'd love feedback

 

[where]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=379353

I have two others "Caught" and "SVU"

"Caught" hasn't gotten the biggest fanbase; but I'd love feedback

Just read the one linked. I'm sorry, I found it really confusing and couldn't follow it.

 

[CWatson]

Please criticise my work?

Be careful what you wish for. You may get it. (Or, as my choir director put it, "Hell is getting what you asked for.")

First off, the story you linked does not seem to be in the right category. Shouldn't it be non-consent/violence?

Second off, you need to dig that thing out a lot more. Stephen King equates the act of writing a story to digging up a fossil: first you have a rock in the ground and you know something's in it, cuz some bits are peeking out, but you aren't sure what. So you get to work with your chisels or your pneumatic drills or even just a toothbrush, until all the dirt and dust and grime is withered away and you have the complete shape of the fossil in your hands.

You haven't done that. Basically, you dug the fossil out of the dirt, called it done, and gave it to a museum without bothering to do any actual work. Now forty thousand people are looking at it and going, "What the? Why's there a rock in the fossil collection?"

There is a story in there; you have a lot of imagination, and though at first glance you seem to have delivered nothing more than a heap of words, there are enough bits of plot and character sticking out to make the distinction. But your job isn't just to dump a heap on us; your job is to tell a story. We need to know who the narrator is, who "Mike" and "Sam" are, how the gun happened, what these characters' motivations are, and why the person got shot in the end. No matter how confusing and chaotic you want to make it, there is some basic information you must transmit--and which you didn't. You can say that makes you 'cutting-edge' or 'avant-garde' or 'experimental' if you want, but calling a tail a leg doesn't make it so. Besides, we already have a word for writers who don't give important information: bad.

Be careful what you wish for. You may get it.

 

[ellynei]

Very much the wrong category. It is nonconsent/reluctance btw not noncensent/violence!! I should know I love that category. Not that we mind violence in that category, kinda comes with the turf.

Stephen King, I love his work, and there is so much of it! Don't think I have even read half his books yet. I like the thought that there are so many of his books still left for me to enjoy, I think that is the main reason I have never made sure to read find and read them all.

Now, that Stephen King was mentioned, I was reminded of a hope of mine that if I keep working hard to improve my own writing skills -- like I do now -- then maybe one day my skills will be so developed that I can reach as high as his ankles!

"Hey look at me," I would then yell up to him, so far above me, "I have learned to write!"

He has an excellent eye for detail in his work, maybe he would notice my tiny figure so far below, maybe he would even smile down and say.

"Good for you."

But then again, the thing with giants is even a pat on the head would squash me like a bug.



(Do I sound crazy? Well, maybe I am )

Back to the story. I must agree that in this case the rock and fossil analogy is rather suitable. It is good that you start the story wham-bam right into action. But you rush it a too much at several places. More specifically the longer into the text, the more you rush it too much.

Towards the ends it looks like you have actually skipped whole paragraphs.

quote:

"She threw off her panties and Mike dove in.

He pulled off his boxers and Sam took off her bra by the time I stopped them. "Hey! You listen to what I say!"

"Oh yeah? Fuck you." I made a move for my gun, I left it on the ground when I went to sniff Sam's panties, but Mike grabbed it first. "By the time back up arrives, you'll be dead." "

quote end.

You really should mention that he put down his gun and went to sniff her panties after she took them off, but before he made a move for it.


There are a few issues with the dialogue too. Me reading it with only a fraction of a brain, having burned the rest on writing prior to logging in to lit forums, had to reread a couple times to figure out who was saying what.

... Sam!" She... Don't do this when the dialogue wasn't made by 'she'

do:

... Sam!"

She....

instead, to make it easier on the reader (This occurs on multiple occasions.)


There are a couple tense issues here and there that needs fixing up. Like in the already quoted part:

quote (again):

"Oh yeah? Fuck you." I made a move for my gun, I left it on the ground when I went to sniff Sam's panties, ...

quote end.


Should be:

"Oh yeah? Fuck you." I made a move for my gun, I had left it on the ground when I went to sniff Sam's panties,

(it missed a 'had'. The way you wrote it it rather sounded like he first made a move for his gun then left it to sniff panties, which ofcourse wouldn't make sense.)

You write in past tense, so when you suddenly describe something happening previously to the continuous past you need to write it in "past past tense" I'm not sure what english people call it, maybe someone else can say it.


In summary:

I don't think the story is good 'as is'
I do think it can become good with work (fossil analogy suitable)
I REALLY think you need to move this story to noncon/reluct category.

 

[where]

Very much the wrong category. It is nonconsent/reluctance btw not noncensent/violence!! I should know I love that category. Not that we mind violence in that category, kinda comes with the turf.

Stephen King, I love his work, and there is so much of it! Don't think I have even read half his books yet. I like the thought that there are so many of his books still left for me to enjoy, I think that is the main reason I have never made sure to read find and read them all.

Now, that Stephen King was mentioned, I was reminded of a hope of mine that if I keep working hard to improve my own writing skills -- like I do now -- then maybe one day my skills will be so developed that I can reach as high as his ankles!

"Hey look at me," I would then yell up to him, so far above me, "I have learned to write!"

He has an excellent eye for detail in his work, maybe he would notice my tiny figure so far below, maybe he would even smile down and say.

"Good for you."

But then again, the thing with giants is even a pat on the head would squash me like a bug.



(Do I sound crazy? Well, maybe I am )

Back to the story. I must agree that in this case the rock and fossil analogy is rather suitable. It is good that you start the story wham-bam right into action. But you rush it a too much at several places. More specifically the longer into the text, the more you rush it too much.

Towards the ends it looks like you have actually skipped whole paragraphs.

quote:

"She threw off her panties and Mike dove in.

He pulled off his boxers and Sam took off her bra by the time I stopped them. "Hey! You listen to what I say!"

"Oh yeah? Fuck you." I made a move for my gun, I left it on the ground when I went to sniff Sam's panties, but Mike grabbed it first. "By the time back up arrives, you'll be dead." "

quote end.

You really should mention that he put down his gun and went to sniff her panties after she took them off, but before he made a move for it.


There are a few issues with the dialogue too. Me reading it with only a fraction of a brain, having burned the rest on writing prior to logging in to lit forums, had to reread a couple times to figure out who was saying what.

... Sam!" She... Don't do this when the dialogue wasn't made by 'she'

do:

... Sam!"

She....

instead, to make it easier on the reader (This occurs on multiple occasions.)


There are a couple tense issues here and there that needs fixing up. Like in the already quoted part:

quote (again):

"Oh yeah? Fuck you." I made a move for my gun, I left it on the ground when I went to sniff Sam's panties, ...

quote end.


Should be:

"Oh yeah? Fuck you." I made a move for my gun, I had left it on the ground when I went to sniff Sam's panties,

(it missed a 'had'. The way you wrote it it rather sounded like he first made a move for his gun then left it to sniff panties, which ofcourse wouldn't make sense.)

You write in past tense, so when you suddenly describe something happening previously to the continuous past you need to write it in "past past tense" I'm not sure what english people call it, maybe someone else can say it.


In summary:

I don't think the story is good 'as is'
I do think it can become good with work (fossil analogy suitable)
I REALLY think you need to move this story to noncon/reluct category.

you are so good to us

 

[starrkers]

Just read the one linked. I'm sorry, I found it really confusing and couldn't follow it.

I read the linked piece. It made no sense to me.

Currently it is an idea; it needs a lot of work to turn it into a story. You (as writer) know what's happening, but you are assuming way too much for the reader to follow it.