Playing to the Audience, Mar. 8, 2002

[Mickie]

The story for the week is Playing to the Audience by Idle Hands

It can be found in the Erotic Couplings category.

The link -- http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=39283

Let the discussion start!

Mickie

 

[Idle_Hands]

I've been writing erotica for a few years now, and just recently decided to try and post some of my work, which led me to Lit. I must say that the people here have really impressed me.

I chose Playing to the Audience as the first story to post because it is relatively straightforward, and I'd really like to get some comments and criticism on how the story builds and flows.

I tend to rewrite practically every sentence a few times, and I'd always like to hear some picky criticism of the language i end up with, as well.

Anyhow, have at it. I've got a thick skin, and I know I've got a lot to learn.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Ray Dario]

This certainly was an erotic tale, the descriptions of the sex scenes were well done and very steamy.

This story could have been improved by more dialog between the characters as well as breaking the dialog out into seperate paragraphs.

As to plot and character; The main character was developed nicely. I got a pretty good feel of who she was and got to where I felt like I understood her. The other characters were pretty sparse but that's understandable in a short story. It's hard to develop more than one character fully. The biggest probem I had with the character development was that the main character didn't "transform" or change much during the story and at the end there was no revelation or alteration.

Plot: Well it seemed thin and when Lauren was being brought into the sex show I just wasn't able to believe that she would go so willingly with a complete stranger and without any information at all. If there had been a basis for trust then perhaps it would have been more believable, but as it was, no.

The last comment I'm going to make is about sentence structure. Yours was too uniform and that made the story dip into boring at times. For whatever psycological reason, people like to read stories with varied sentence length and composition. You had some variety, but not quite enough. Too many sentences began with "He" or "She". Adding dialog would help this and varying the sentence structure a little would also help. Using more complex sentences would also be good.

All in all this was a good erotic story with enough hot sex to satisfy the readers of Lit, but also enough good writing to make it well worth reading. You say this is your first story posted, I hope it won't be your last.

Ray

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

"I tend to rewrite practically every sentence a few times, and I'd always like to hear some picky criticism of the language i end up with, as well."

Idle Hands,

Ray gave you a first rate overview so I'll concentrate on giving your first page, "...some picky criticism of the langurage...." At no extra cost, I'll also throw in a few other pearls of wisdom. And speaking of cost, all my input is prefaced with IMHO (and believe me, I've got a lot to be humble about) and is probably worth even less than it cost you.

You can write, but the mechanics sometimes get in your way. I'd strongly suggest you take advantage of the free volunteer editing program here at Literotica. Most of all, keep writing, especially critiques of other writer's works.

Good luck

Rumple Foreskin

--

Once again, Lauren found herself alone in a hotel room at the end of the day, this time in Atlantic City. She stood naked in front of a large window, high above the ground, watching the sun set over the water. (GEOGRAPHICALLY IMPOSSIBEL UNLESS THE SUN NOW SETS IN THE EAST) Lights were coming on up and down the shore, and she could see the waves gently lapping the sand.

A very successful week had left her horny as hell. From Los Angeles to Phoenix, (THEN) Vancouver, New York, and finally here, Lauren had concluded her business efficiently and mercilessly. She would surely receive a generous bonus for her performance this quarter, but the rush she got while doing it was (THE) real reason she succeeded so consistently.

She ran her hands over her sleek abdomen and chest, then cupped her small breasts, rubbing her palms over her nipples. ("HER" APPEARS FIVE TIMES IN THIS ONE SENTENCE.) She held her breast with one hand and ran the other down to caress her snatch. (AWKWARD) She slid her middle finger lightly between her (YOU MIGHT CHANGE "HER" TO "ITS") smooth, hairless lips and back up to press on her clit. (4 STRAIGHT SENTENCES BEGINNING WITH "SHE") The sensation was pleasing, but she knew it had been too long, and that her body was hungry for the real thing.

Lauren focused on her reflection in the window, and took in the two inches of dark roots showing in her hair. (THAT'S A MESS OF DARK ROOTS, ESPECIALLY FOR A BUSINESS WOMAN.) "How trashy," Lauren thought to herself. (WHO ELSE WOULD SHE THINK TO? ALSO, REPLACE THE SECOND "LAUREN" WITH "SHE") The thought seemed to resonate with her mood. "OK, then, trashy it is tonight."

She dressed herself (OMIT "HERSELF") in a lacy black top that was hard to distinguish from lingerie; tight, calf-length leopard-skin pants with a bit of a flare at the bottom; a dark red(,) leather jacket with buttons (left open, of course); and platform sandals that displayed red-painted toenails. She finished the look with hot red lipstick.

"There," Lauren said to herself. (OMIT "TO HERSELF") "That ought to get me what I need."

(IDLE HANDS: YOU'VE ESTABLISHED THAT SHE'S ALONE. THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN SUGGESTING YOU OMIT ALL THOSE "HERSELF" AND "TO HERSELF" TAGS. THE SAME IDEA APPLIES TO THE START OF THE NEXT PARA. SINCE SHE'S STILL ALONE, WHO ELSE COULD BE HEADING FOR THE ELEVATOR? FINALLY, IT'S NOT NECESSARY TO DETAIL A CHARACTER'S MOVEMENTS. FOR INSTANCE, YOU COULD RE-WRITE THE LAST SENTENCE TO READ SOMETHING LIKE, --"THERE, THAT OUGHT TO GET ME WHAT I NEED," SHE THOUGHT AND HEADED OUT FOR THE HOTEL BAR.-- THE NEXT PARAGRAPH COULD THEN BEGIN. -IN THE MIRROR LINED ELEVATOR CAR, SHE CHECKED OUT THE EFFECT OF HER COSTUME FROM ALL ANGLES--.)

 

[Caria Knight]

OK, here's my two cents... (I'm new to giving criticism and need quite a bit of it myself, so take my words with a grain of salt. They are only one woman’s view.)

OK, I definitely agree that the sex scenes were well done and quite steamy. This story held my attentions nicely.

As for flaws, the biggest one that stands out for me is if Lauren does or doesn't have pubic hair, and here's why...

She slid her middle finger lightly between her smooth, hairless lips and back up to press on her clit.

Smiling, the Latina looked up, past Lauren's matted, soaked pubic hair, past her still-throbbing nipples, and deep into Lauren's eyes.

Now I know where there is and isn't hair naturally on a woman but by using the word "hairless" makes me assume that she is completely shaved.

I also think that there was just a bit too much wet / wetness. Everything seemed to be wet all the time. When I went back and counted, you used the word "wet" 10 times and "wetness" 5 times through out the story. I think that could easily be fixed with a thesaurus and some creative editing.

Lastly, the use of the word "sloppy" doesn't work for me. You went from this...

The Latina leaned back against the headboard with her legs spread. Her pussy, too, was open like some tropical flower, her hairless petals glistening with wetness.

to this...

In front of her, the Latina idly fingered her own sloppy, wet cunt with one hand.

Since Lauren is struggling with her hetro vs. bi (at least for this night) thoughts, I think this just makes the progression unappealing. Continued comparison to something beautiful would have been more effective for me.

 

[KillerMuffin]

A few words of my own. Don't put thoughts in quotation marks. A quotation mark is just that, demarking a quotation from a character. That means speech. Thought is conventionally delineated in two ways. Hello, gorgeous, he thought. or the more preferable Hello, gorgeous, he thought.

Tagging thoughts is far more difficult an affair. My general rule of thumb is to never do it. He watched her walk into the room and settle in the chair by the window. Hello, gorgeous. If you keep your character POV's solid and easy to follow you should never have to tag a thought. If you have to tag it for clarity, then you should look into solving the POV problem that has developed.

She was quite pleased with the way the jacket stopped at her waist and let the spandex display her ass to perfection. What a slut she was. Time for a drink to get in the right frame of mind.

Is that any less clear than:

She was quite pleased with the way the jacket stopped at her waist and let the spandex display her ass to perfection. "What a slut I am," she thought. "Time for a drink to get in the right frame of mind."

No.

Then there is the "her" issue that RF brought up. He suggested changing one of the "hers" to an "its." Most body parts are nouns, right? Make them the subject of the sentence and do away with "her" altogether.

There was a problem with a character that kept sticking his head into the story that didn't belong there. The narrator. There is a bit of "telling" as opposed to showing. This is essentially where the story pulls a little bit away from how Lauren is experiencing things to describe her, her surroundings, or her situation. This isn't something you really have the luxury for in a short story. You need to keep your reader in tune and sympathetic with the characters, so you need to keep the POV strictly from the character.

Your problems with telling all came in the areas where you've got a lot of description. "Her meandering brought her to a billiard room, were she found a crowd more along the lines of what she was looking for. The raucous atmosphere of the casino was replaced by a much calmer, moodier feeling. The room was large, with rows and rows of tables. Smoke swirled in the light that came from the lamps hanging above the tables, leaving the ceiling in darkness and the space between the tables dim. Knots of people talked and laughed around the tables, watching others play. Practically all of them were better dressed than the folks in the other rooms. These were people who were enjoying themselves in a social situation." When you cut, you also have to cut description. What's important and what's not? The room was large with ros and rows of tables. Is this necessary? Does it add any feeling to the room itself? Does the character react to it?

Description is a funny thing and writers usually do it wrong. Wrong is defined as in a way that allows the reader's attention to wander. Try this exercise next time you go someplace. Take a pen and paper with you and write down the first five things you notice about your surroundings. No more, no less. Don't look around while you're doing it, just notice, then write. Why? Everyone imprints first impressions in the same way. The impressions are different, but the way it's done is generally the same.

If you need to describe a place then do it from the character's POV, not yours. She isn't gonig to walk in and immediately notice that the room is large with rows and rows of tables. She's going to notice the knots of people, the music playing, the way it smells, its ambience. When she notices these things she's going to notice it in a personal way. In this instance the first thing that's going to register is how many possibilities to screw are available.

 

[Idle_Hands]

thanks

Thanks for all your thoughtful comments. Due to a family crisis, I won't be able to read them carefully for the near future, but i look forward to doing so when i can.

Thanks again for taking the time.

 

[DRxBlue]

With an imagination like yours, i bet your hands aren't always idle <sorry>

Whew! Some of the others here have put you through the wringer, but that's what we signed up for. i'm getting scared though.

i only have a few points to score--er-make. Let me start with the scene in the billiard room. Part of my problem came from one of the things KillerMuffin mentioned. Your descriptions get a little verbose.

i missed the fact that she was in a BILLIARDS room because i was scanning rather than reading. i saw that the room was full of tables, but they had tablecloths and Tiffany lamps in my mind.

i was worried when she leaned against one of the tables, and i felt sorry for the poor man on the stool who was being "beaten methodically". i saw him bleeding and bruised.

When the man in black "stroked his queue and made his shot" i saw him stroke his ponytail (which is often called a queue on a man) and kill the poor man on the stool.

At that point i knew something was wrong and jumped back 2 paragraphs and slowed down. Now the tables turned to POOL tables and the ponytail into a POOL CUE--much better.

A lot of the dialogue you used was quite good, you should pursue that. KM makes that point often, and she's right.It's one of the best ways to develop a character.

All told, this story reminded me of certain relationships; you can put up with a lot of minor irritants if the sex is good. There seems to be general agreement that you got that DOWN!

Welcome! Tell me more!

 

[Idle_Hands]

Wow,

I've finally had the chance to digest all this feedback, and I've got to thank you all for taking the time. I'm not sure if I'll revise this story or not, but I do know that your thoughtful criticism will help with my future efforts.

My only wish is that there was a way to get this sort of input while my stories are in progress. My limited experience with the Lit volunteer editors was useful for proof-reading, but nothing like what came out of this forum.

Thanks again for taking the time to carefully read and comment on my work. I shall attempt to do the same for others here.

This sort of thing really makes this place cool.