Playing Rough

[stlman22]

My girlfriend recently told me that I'm not rough enough with her in bed. We have passionate sex, but I've never had a girl that liked it rough. I know she's not extremely freaky in reguards to choking or hitting. But do any of you ladies have an idea of what kind of things I should do that would be considered, "moderately rough"?

 

[NomadLady]

My girlfriend recently told me that I'm not rough enough with her in bed. We have passionate sex, but I've never had a girl that liked it rough. I know she's not extremely freaky in reguards to choking or hitting. But do any of you ladies have an idea of what kind of things I should do that would be considered, "moderately rough"?

Have you asked her if she likes being spanked? tied up? etc? Do you ever just smack her ass with your hand while doing her doggy style?

 

[VelvetSin]

My girlfriend recently told me that I'm not rough enough with her in bed. We have passionate sex, but I've never had a girl that liked it rough. I know she's not extremely freaky in reguards to choking or hitting. But do any of you ladies have an idea of what kind of things I should do that would be considered, "moderately rough"?

Women aren't nearly as breakable as many men think, and while the consideration is appreciated, some of us like that not-so-breakable side once in a while.

You may want to check out some of the lighter BDSM stories on the story side of Lit to find some ideas you feel comfortable with, and I say "lighter" because many of those don't fit the "moderately" category. Disregard what doesn't push your buttons. Some short suggestions include holding her wrists above her head and pinning them to the bed, grabbing a fistful of hair at any point and hold tight, push her up against a wall for an intro kiss, change positions when you want and pick her up / push her where you want her, slap her ass if she doesn't move fast enough or just if you want to because it's there. Basically, do what you'd want to do if she were just an inanimate object, but an object you liked and didn't want to break. Enjoy yourself.

If there's anything that really interests you but you aren't sure she'll enjoy, talk to her about it beforehand. If you try something new, talk to her afterwards and get her reaction to see if she's open to more, if it was a little too much, exactly what she was looking for.

 

[SweetErika]

Yeah, because this issue is fraught with potential problems, you should definitely be talking to her, rather than us. Ask her what "rough enough" means to her; if she shies away from discussing it, simply tell her that while you'd love to please her in this way, you're not comfortable doing so without talking specifics.

And make sure you have a safe word and signal as well so you don't risk going too far during play.

 

[stlman22]

Thanks alot for the advice. I have tried talking to her about it, she is just shy when talking about it so I figured i would get advice from people who had been there! Thank you so much. I'll definitely post back and let you know how it goes.

 

[NomadLady]

My girlfriend recently told me that I'm not rough enough with her in bed. We have passionate sex, but I've never had a girl that liked it rough. I know she's not extremely freaky in reguards to choking or hitting. But do any of you ladies have an idea of what kind of things I should do that would be considered, "moderately rough"?

On re-reading your post it's obvious to me that someone has been rougher with her in the past and she liked it. Now sure how long you two have been together and how much you have shared about past relationships but that would seem like the best place to start....communication is the key.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks alot for the advice. I have tried talking to her about it, she is just shy when talking about it so I figured i would get advice from people who had been there! Thank you so much. I'll definitely post back and let you know how it goes.

That's our point, though: no one here has been in your gf's head or shared her experiences.

You might see if talking about it in complete darkness or not face to face helps. You could also ask her to write down her ideas if verbalizing them is the issue.

 

[VelvetSin]

Thanks alot for the advice. I have tried talking to her about it, she is just shy when talking about it so I figured i would get advice from people who had been there! Thank you so much. I'll definitely post back and let you know how it goes.

I didn't get the impression that you were looking for full BDSM pointers, so if I'm wrong, please say so. While it's true that each woman's idea of "moderately rough" will differ, so long as you aren't intending to get really rough or sadistic, I think the safeword issue will probably be covered with things like "ow" and "stop." She asked for it, and so long as it's kept fairly basic, it seems like that "I like this" and "okay, noted" is enough initial conversation about to me.

Go slow. Start with one thing and slowly increase up the line using her responses as a guide for whether you're on the right path. If you get to the end of what you consider "moderately rough" and she still seems to want more, you'll need to have a conversation at that point to find out exactly what she has in mind, whether she's shy or not.

 

[Adrraiya]

Thanks alot for the advice. I have tried talking to her about it, she is just shy when talking about it so I figured i would get advice from people who had been there! Thank you so much. I'll definitely post back and let you know how it goes.

Maybe she is the shy bashful type... but I am guessing since she mentioned she wants you to play rougher with her that she simply needs a little coaxing

so, maybe approach it along the lines of "Gee Baby, I want to do everything I can to be your fantasy lover... and I want to fulfill your sexual desires... but I am not a mind-reader.... so could you give me some idea of what you would like that would be rougher in the right ways for you"

You could even go as far as to lead with examples of what you think she might mean... you can say something like "Would you like me to spank you or tie you up or throw you on the bed?".... as a means to get the conversation going


Ask her if she can give you some point of reference... maybe she can find some stories on Lit that describe what she is looking for... maybe she can find some photos and show you a picture.... that way she can use something less direct if the issue is that she has trouble finding the words to express

It could also be that she is shy because she is worried you won't like whatever she has in mind...

So... COMMUNICATE... FIND A WAY TO COMMUNICATE... in this case, help her find a way to communicate

 

[BongoGal]

On re-reading your post it's obvious to me that someone has been rougher with her in the past and she liked it.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

 

[Elendariel]

I agree with what's been said above. First ask her to write it down. Or write a short story or poems of two people and what they do , that gives her the chance to project the embarrassment onto "others" and not ask for it herself. And aslo, show here the site. If you are embarrased about the site, for any reason) I know my sister might flip over her so reading stories... She's very insecure ) then say you found it trying to research for her. Make a joint new account so she can read stories, and save her favorites and you could log inlater and read them. It coul help open up communication.. Or if you think she could be bold enough, switch places, have her be the guy evven if only for a few moments so she could do to you what she wants done to herself. Other optionos to buy a book, asking for recommendations first on the board, and it would give you something to look through together and talk about. Same could be done with videos on youporn ECt. Hope this helps.

 

[NightL]

Whisper in her ear "How would you like it if I... ...the next time we...?" start with questions that elicit a yes or no answer... she will get more comfortable talking about it when she see that you are also comfortable about talking about it.

Your comment "extremely freaky in reguards to choking or hitting" ...well if she thinks that you feel "rough" is even slightly freaky she won't talk at all... you will need to reassure her that you are all cool with this and want to give it a try... be honest if you are a little nervous... but DON'T let her feel she is freaky in any way.

Ask her to demonstrate on you

 

[DuckLover]

Good advice already

SweetErika is a Lit guru for a reason - heed her advice!

You've also gotten several good suggestions of specific ways to start being rougher without significant risk (either physical or emotional); I've added a few of my own:

* spank her ass during doggy style
* spank her as you're getting into bed or moving around
* pin her hands to the side or above her head
* offer to tie her to the headboard
* take charge in bed, TELLING her what the 2 of you will do, not inviting, but initially stick to things that you've done in the past ("Now you'll give me a BJ... now I'm going to take you from behind")
* push her into position rather than waiting for her to get there
* use your whole body to pin her to the wall when passionately kissing
* squeeze or grope harder on her breasts
* grabbing her hair during a BJ or doggy style sex
* use a stronger grip
* try biting (not too hard!) or pinching - start by catching the fold of skin in your fingers or teeth and then gradually apply more and more pressure

Ultimately though, the best advice is still communicating with her. You also got some great advice on ways to get that going. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

 

[Elendariel]

another thing..
being told to "TAKE IT!" during sex while being slightly hard/rough is SO HOT!

 

[subwannabe]

If you can get her to read Lit stories have her go through them and pick out some that she likes so you can read them. That way she doesn't have to be embarrassed telling you. I totally agree with the others but I must point out that she told you she would like you to be rougher with her in bed and then you asked us for some advice using the word "moderate". This is obviously very subjective and needs translation but don't ignore the possibility that she doesn't want you to be "moderate". I totally understand her desire not to tell you exactly what she wants. She does need to steer you in the right direction though and give examples but I too feel a letdown in the experience if I have to choreograph the whole event. Part of the experience has to be unknown.

 

[evercurious]

If she is shy about talking about it, it may be because she wants it, but isn't exactly sure what it is that she wants. She may wrather you come up with it, and either let her know by telling her, or by just giving it a try.

I think VelvetSkin had it right on. A little at first goes a long long way. Pinning her hands above her head, pushing her up against a wall, all of these things are rouch and exhert dominance, but they are passionate and expressive, which I think is what most girls want(forgive me for being arrogent enough to pretend to know what most girls want). If she likes this kind of thing, you'll know immediately, but you have to be able to pay attention to her.

These kinds of things can be challenging to talk about to your partner, because although they want it, it might be embarrasing for them to talk about, so just bringing it up as a self contained discussion could be a major joy-kill. Communication is really important, but if your relationship isn't in the place where you can just sit down and have a constructive conversation about eachothers desires, then talking about it in such a direct way might turn either one of you off to it entirely. It seems like most of the people here would be fine with a scenario that goes something like, "Hey hun, I've been meaning to talk to you about..." but untill you are at that point, I would start it off during foreplay, while the heat of passion is high and just about anything sounds sexy and exciting, whispering something like, "How would you like it if I..."

So, you've done the push-up-against the wall and the grab-her-hair-while-doing-doggy-style things, and she's totally into it. Whats next? Bring some props into it. You can blindfold her or tie her wrists together, or do both at the same time. And my god are these versitile, because they can make any possition (and I mean ANY) more exciting. And to add, I don't think ANYONE doesn't like this kind of thing at least a little bit. The cool thing about these, are that you already have what you need. Use a neck-tie or a hankerchief. As apposed to hand-cuffs, ropes, and real blindfolds or masks, these items are comfortable and aren't intimidating because both of you are perfectly used to them already.

Lastly, I don't think her thoughts means she's necessarily been with someone who was rough with her already. My first partner, who I was also her first, said the exact same thing in the exact same way. She said she liked it when I was a little rough with her, but had a hard time helping me get to where she wanted. I think that I was a little rough with her, and she liked it so she decided she wanted to let me know, and this is what sparked her imagination. I don't think I was ever able to get to that point, which is such a shame because I really did love her, but I think if I new about sex then what I know now, our sex life would have been astronomical (but I'm not saying it wasn't already good, if your reading this . And don't be sad, the sex wasn't what killed it anyway, it just wasn't meant to be.

So have fun and explore. Your girl is talking to you, so you have to respond, explore, and most importantly listen (and not just to words). If you don't do any of those things, you won't figure out what she wants. And when you do figure it out, hopefully she finds something else for you to figure out, because the machine isn't any fun when you know exactly how it works.

 

[JessiePi]

I know I can sometimes be shy about asking for things I want to try, but i have alot more confidence when writing through e-mail or text. Try to casually bring it up one of these ways, and she may feel more comfortable and be more open with you!

 

[silverwhisper]

i like subwannabe's suggestion re: having her suggest some "extra-credit" reading for you.

happy hunting!

ed