Play parties?

[Loverskitten]

Hi, new to the scene and a very curious kitten.
What happens at these? Would it be appropriate for a single person? Is there alcohol served? What are the etiquette rules?

I did a quick search but got too much unrelated stuff. If there are existing threads please post link, thanks

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hi Kitten, the answer is "It varies."
It depends on the people involved, what they are into, how they like to play, how well they know each other.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Hi, new to the scene and a very curious kitten.
What happens at these?

Play parties, in the normal usage of the phrase, are sort of like the normal parties people throw for a few dozen of their closest friends, except that during the evening, various people will spank, paddle, flog, crop, cane, etc., etc., etc., their partner(s), often using a variety of equipment (kneelers, crosses, stocks, etc.) provided by the host (or host group). One is *NOT* - repeat, *NOT* - required to participate in any play at any time if that is not one's wish. At least in appropriately managed play parties. I *have* heard of submissives being "persuaded" (coercively) into participating in activities they would not otherwise have wished to get into. This is, however, fairly rare.

Would it be appropriate for a single person?

<Laughs> Single females, *especially* of the pyl varieties, are almost always welcome and more than welcome, and often have a reduced or eliminated entry fee. Single males, both PYL and pyl, are frequently charged *more* - e.g., if the couple's fee is $20, a single female might be $5 and a single male $15. However, until you know the people who host/manage the party(ies) fairly well, I would strongly recommend that you attend with another single female or platonic single male under the buddy system, just to ensure that you don't get stuck in a situation as mentioned in the previous paragraph.

Is there alcohol served?

I have been to a total of *two* (of more than 100 total attended) play parties where alcohol consumption was permissible. In both cases, there was one little restriction: Drink alcohol (ANY), and you can't play (PYL *or* pyl). I have *heard* of play parties where alcohol consumption was permitted with play to follow; however, I would avoid those parties like the plague (pardon the cliché). I have also a number of times seen DMs (Dungeon Monitors) tell potential players that they were sorry, but the player couldn't play that night, because they smelled like alcohol or appeared to be under the influence of alcohol or other "ingredients." Play + any type of intoxicant ≠ good thing.

What are the etiquette rules?

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "etiquette rules," but will simply respond that behavior that would be appropriate in a vanilla party is always appropriate just about anywhere. If you're referring to speaking to/interacting with either dominant or submissive persons, or offering yourself up as a bottom to a top, that will vary, somewhat, from venue to venue. It would not be a bad idea to inquire of the host(s)/host group liaison concerning that type of etiquette. There ARE two almost universal rules, in my experience:

• If you're not participating in a dungeon scene, be quiet! It's not forbidden to talk very very quietly, or whisper to another person (not a participant in the activities!), but loud talk, etc., could result in distracting a top and causing harm to the bottom.
• Don't touch people, especially in a sexual or BDSM way, with whom you don't have that type of relationship. That may sound rather kindergartner-ish, but I've seen people's expulsion from groups result from PYL hubris.

When (not "if") you go, it's not unusual for a first-time attendee to be a "fly on the wall" and just observe what happens, absorbing behavior modes, the types of activities pursued, and perhaps talking quietly to a few people to get a feel for the dynamics of the group. Whatever happens ... enjoy!

 

[Loverskitten]

Thanks for the info.
I've been to some, uh what do you call them... I suppose alternative night clubs. Where there are kinky shows, and kinky dress, etc. But also bars and dancefloors, etc.

I've also heard of swingers night clubs where there are also bars and dancefloors but rooms where things go on... I'm not interested in swinging at all.

I have seen videos where there is a slave play session as a show with a small audience who participate, but I'm not interested in this, either

I guess I'm wondering where the play parties fit in.

I suppose I'm interested in the next step beyond the "alternative club", more private, a bit more kink, but I'd still like the social aspect of the club/bar bit.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Try munches first. Get to know the people in your area.
Lots of fun stuff goes on in places that no one even knows its happening but you arent going to get invited until you have some established friendships with some kinksters close by

 

[nowgirl]

Try munches first. Get to know the people in your area.
Lots of fun stuff goes on in places that no one even knows its happening but you arent going to get invited until you have some established friendships with some kinksters close by

This. ^ ^

Google bdsm in your area. You should find a few groups. If there are any administrators on the groups, contact them and say hi, you're new and plan to attend. Munches can be kind of mundane. Like an after work get together.

It took me about 8 months of going to different munches before I went to my first play party which was in someone's home. It was surreal; sitting upstairs, eating chips, talking about the weather while moans and groans and whacks and slaps came from the basement.

 

[FurryFury]

It's appropriate, IMO for a single person. I've never felt preyed upon when I've gone to any munch, demo or play party alone. I'm not single but I've gone alone a few times, with my husband a few times and with friends a few times. I've always felt people were respectful and no one tried anything unless I or my friends wanted them to and gave clear signals.

I've heard people say you can't go alone that there are predators but I've never seen anything like that happen. That would seriously piss me off. I'd have to do something about it if I saw that.

I suspect people are just being drama queens and buying into the whole subs are weak and all myth when they talk that way. Of course I've not been to EVERY play party. So some venues could be different.

Alcohol is technically considered a very bad idea because it can dull the senses which you need to know when things are starting to go too far and so on. The rule is almost always no alcohol but I've seen some break that rule. A demo doll in particular. It was allowed. I wouldn't have allowed it. I spoke up about it but the demo PYL allowed it. Dumb shit. If you don't feel you can be the demo person, without getting tipsy or more, there are PLENTY of others who would LOVE to do it.

We've met at restaurants first. Sometimes a club or home. Often people bring food and soft drinks. Not booze.

At the play parties I've been to, they nearly all followed demos. The etiquette rules included not interfering or being too loud when watching others play. Waiting your turn after someone agrees to play with you or that you can try their equipment. No sex, oral or genital just "play".

Hi, new to the scene and a very curious kitten.
What happens at these? Would it be appropriate for a single person? Is there alcohol served? What are the etiquette rules?

I did a quick search but got too much unrelated stuff. If there are existing threads please post link, thanks

I agree.

Try munches first. Get to know the people in your area.
Lots of fun stuff goes on in places that no one even knows its happening but you arent going to get invited until you have some established friendships with some kinksters close by

 

[Loverskitten]

Quick question, at play parties, do they ever do like background checks or take IDs for possible sex offenders? How do they make sure things don't get out of hand, like rapes, etc?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Quick question, at play parties, do they ever do like background checks or take IDs for possible sex offenders? How do they make sure things don't get out of hand, like rapes, etc?

Depending on the party and the venue--
Dungeon monitors and bouncers at the commercial places, a limited invite list at the private parties-- meaning, you are at the mercy of the social skills of that host.

If you're in doubt, you should ask the organisers about their policies.

At Paradise, our DMs all are Red Cross certified, and three of our attendees have big fat martial arts skills-- plus, we don't invite men, which eliminates 99.5% of the sexual offender's list right there.

 

[Loverskitten]

Depending on the party and the venue--
Dungeon monitors and bouncers at the commercial places, a limited invite list at the private parties-- meaning, you are at the mercy of the social skills of that host.

If you're in doubt, you should ask the organisers about their policies.

At Paradise, our DMs all are Red Cross certified, and three of our attendees have big fat martial arts skills-- plus, we don't invite men, which eliminates 99.5% of the sexual offender's list right there.

Oh yeah, I wasn't referring to the women's only parties AT ALL
Sorry guys but I trust women, like a million times more than men (and I love men)

 

[Primalex]

At Paradise, our DMs all are Red Cross certified, and three of our attendees have big fat martial arts skills-- plus, we don't invite men, which eliminates 99.5% of the sexual offender's list right there.

Now I'm curious - how do they decide if someone is a man or not?

 

[Primalex]

Sorry guys but I trust women, like a million times more than men (and I love men)

Just because you haven't seen many Dommes. As far as I can tell, female tops get away with a lot more "questionable activities" than male tops.

 

[CutieMouse]

Oh yeah, I wasn't referring to the women's only parties AT ALL
Sorry guys but I trust women, like a million times more than men (and I love men)

Aaaaand I trust men a gazillion times more than I trust women. lol

I've always felt most of the big fat scary warnings about parties have been a bit Chicken Little-ish. If something bad goes down, people will gossip & the people involved will be dealt with socially (if not criminally). Therefore, it behooves party organizers to prevent bad shit from happening.

 

[Edith_UK]

kitten! I'm really curious about these too, so report back if you go.

Fuck the no booze thing mind. That's surely gotta be a US thing, can't imagine any kind of social gathering without getting pissed over here

 

[Stella_Omega]

kitten! I'm really curious about these too, so report back if you go.

Fuck the no booze thing mind. That's surely gotta be a US thing, can't imagine any kind of social gathering without getting pissed over here

It's because people will be tying each other to things and hitting them. Or cutting, or burning or peeing on-- all sorts of party games that COULD potentially, have some risky consequences.

And the hosts are responsible for any injuries.

Primalex, we are pretty liberal in our decisions. My personal rule of thumb: a trans woman who gets mad when she's told "no" isn't far enough along for me to drop my guard around. A trans woman who cries-- is woman enough for me.

And I agree with CutieMouse-- there is less to worry about with strangers at play parties then with a new partner in private, IMO.

 

[Jenneva]

kitten! I'm really curious about these too, so report back if you go.
Fuck the no booze thing mind. That's surely gotta be a US thing, can't imagine any kind of social gathering without getting pissed over here

Well, that's for the safety of the participants. You really don't want to go into a scene without a clear mind, without the reflexes to know when you're heading into a dangerous situation. After all, it's 95% mind play, right? What good is it if that mind is altered?

 

[njlauren]

kitten! I'm really curious about these too, so report back if you go.

Fuck the no booze thing mind. That's surely gotta be a US thing, can't imagine any kind of social gathering without getting pissed over here

Doesn't surprise me, knowing the UK penchant for drinking....but it isn't so much a US thing as a safety one. Playing when you are drunk or under the influence is a disaster area for a ton of reasons (it depends obviously on the type of play). Hell, being drunk leads to a lot of bad scenes with sex in its vanilla form.....

What are the dangers?

Subs who are stoned can go well beyond safe limits in play, it numbs you and you can be played with and experiencing real trauma and not safe word out of it or be aware if a top/dominant is going over the line

It could also allow you to play with someone your bullshit meter normally flies off the scale with

For a dominant, it can mean with certain types of play putting the sub at risk; you get loaded and try a bull whip you could kill someone, or do something like being drunk and thinking it would be funny to put a sub into sensory sep, where the sub in question is claustrophobic and they have a heart attack

A drunk dominant also has impaired senses and might not notice a sub going into distress, or might not notice a sub in emotional distress, laugh it off and so forth.

If you are talking a fetish party where people sit around in pvc outfits, etc, etc and are there to be seen, or it is a nightclubby thing where a scene is spanking, lot less dangerous but in serious play? Oye

 

[njlauren]

Play parties vary and obviously it depends on who is running them and who goes there (yeah, I know, big *doh*.). Generally public play parties, held by BD/SM clubs or sponsored by BD/SM groups, have a different dynamic then more private ones. They usually have stricter rules, for example here in NYC penetrative sex of any kind at a public play party would be a no no (including toys) (unless they have changed in the last 6 or 7 years), they usually also take out things like blood play, piercing and the like IME. They have safety staff and bouncers, and about all someone might have to worry about is boorish behavior (though that is generally well handled, too). A single person wouldn't be pressured to do anything and a single woman might have the same worries at a regular nightclub getting hit on.

Then there are private play parties sponsored by BD/SM groups like Black Rose, etc....that tends to be members and guests, so you don't have many outsiders, and they usually have less restrictive rules if it is a members only event (and depending on local law, of course; the event parties I have been too forbid even couples from any kind of penetrative sex , including toys, because NYC and NJ can consider that illegal). Usually you will see stronger play at those kinds of events beyond what public clubs allow usually......

Then there are private parties held at someone's house or whatever, that a truly private, and that depends on the people. Normally those kinds of events are small, invited people only, and they allow lot of latitude, though they generally have rules and people to watch as well, because whoever runs the party is taking on liability if something goes south. Prob more alcohol at a party like this, though I suspect if they are bd/sm people, any drinking is left for after playing, for the safety reasons I mentioned.

 

[DVS]

I don't think I can shed any more information on this than has already been done, but maybe I have a different take on it...you never know. Also, my experience has been in the mid-west USA, so it's possible we do it differently in fly over country.

I've been to a few play parties in the past. Some have been sponsored by organized BDSM groups in this city and some have been "sponsored" by members of a group, after a social gathering of an organized BDSM group. The organized socials are always held at a specific gay and lesbian friendly bar in the city. This bar has 3 floors so groups can have their social on one of those floors, and even have a band. Also, the socials are similar to a munch, but with the bar scene, alcohol and snacks are present. There are never any sexual parties there, but there is an actual retail BDSM store on the second floor.

The sponsored play parties are open to members of any city BDSM group and it's word of mouth as to where the party is. It's near impossible to know where these locations are, otherwise. There's usually a password to be spoken, if they don't know you, but other than that, it's pretty loose. But, no drugs or alcohol allowed and while there are sometimes no bouncers or designated heavies, there are enough male group members to police a situation, if it ever gets out of hand.

It's a pretty strict situation, for the most part. As long as nobody complains, you are free to go into any part of the party you want. But, with just one complaint, you can find yourself restricted to just watching, if not asked to leave. Sponsored play parties are rather one sided, so if you want to stay, it's best to follow the rules. You can get a bad name for yourself rather quickly.

I've seen some recent group parties that you need to contact someone in advance and allow yourself to be vetted, before you are allowed into a specific play party. Once you have been vetted, you are considered OK for any parties in the future, as long as you don't mess up. Just like other sponsored parties, if you mess up, you can get yourself on a "bad person" list rather quickly.

These groups will have parties on holidays such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day as well as schedule their own dates. They can be a sort of social gathering for the first few hours and they might even include a demonstration of some kind of BDSM play (fire play, electroplay, cupping etc.). Demos are usually a how to thing, and sometimes, it's a nationally known person or group that does the demonstration with a question and answer session after.

I'm not sure how they address the alcohol thing, being a social gathering first, then a dungeon thing after. If they do allow drinks, I'd think they would have to also be controlled, because of the safety issue involved if someone gets too drunk. But, in these vetted parties, I'm sure that is addressed.

After the social time, and demo, there is sometimes a designated time in the evening when dungeon time begins. The rules almost always include no blood and no penetration of any kind. The no blood rule includes no needle play as well as no hard flogging or caning that might cut the skin and cause bleeding.

In my city, they are getting more social with their groups, and the members tend to stay in a group longer so the parties are really a social get together with fringe benefits. Long time group members make long time friends. They can become like a secret society where everybody benefits from everybody else's skill and knowledge as well as like minded friendships.

I'm a member of one such group, but have never been to one of their parties, because my job always had me working nights. That can be a big hindrance to your social life, let me tell you. But, now that I'm out of work, I might be able to attend one before I end up getting another job...and probably back working nights again.