planning rewrites

[geraldf]

Hello. I'm planning on rewriting two stories that I submitted awhile back, ANNA'S VIRGIN and THE ANGEL OF SEX. I'd like to get some new feedback before I do. Both stories can be found in the First Time section. I would appreciate any new comments. Thanks.

Gerald

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You'll have a much better chance of getting feedback if you post direct links to your stories. Most people are unwilling to go hunting through the stacks of stories. Here's a link to yours:

http://www.literotica.com:81/storie...rds=&author=geraldf&Submit=Search+The+Stories

I'll see if I can have a look at them and tell you what I think.

---dr.M.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

They’re very wistful, bittersweet stories, and I’m not sure why you want to edit them, what you’re looking to accomplish. They seem to be complete in themselves as they are now.

If they lack anything, it’s immediacy. It’s a classic case of your telling us what happened, rather than showing us what’s going on in a scene. In “Anna”, for example, I really expected you to switch to real time when you two were in the park. Rather than telling us about her meeting that guy, you could have shown us that scene in real time. It would have drawn us into the scene and made us share your disappointment and heartbreak as we saw them chatting and figured out what was going on.

In “Angel” too, it would have had more immedicacy had you brought us into the room with you two while she made love to you. It’s one thing to say “she undressed me”, it’s quite another to say “her fingers opened the buttons of my shirt and she slipped her hand inside, caressing my chest.” That way you could explore everything she made you feel, which is always the most interesting part of a story.

Another thing--which I almost hate to mention, because it seems to be part of your story-telling “voice”—is that your narrator is very passive, almost pathologically so. It adds to the sadness of your stories, I know, but it does get old after a while. He seems to really enjoy his unhappiness to a morbid degree. As I say, this is a ticklish point, because it’s his innocence and passivity that give your stories a lot of their charm, but I was kind of hoping for a happier ending to “Anna”.

---dr.M.

 

[geraldf]

Thank-you, Good Doctor for the link and the excellent advice. Adding dialougue, etc. to the stories almost requires a reconceptualization instead of just some editing, but I'll get around to it sometime soon. Thanks again.

Gerald

 

[CelticFrog]

I've just read 'Angel' and agree with the good doctor. I like the story and think it could stay the way it is. If you WANT to edit them, do so knowing you've done a good job with them as they are.

I also noticed a few small spelling/grammatical errors, but then again I see those things and let them jar me. They were mildly inconsequential. If you don't see them, feel free to PM me and I can give you a hand. On a positive note, there were significantly less errors in proofreading than I have seen in a great many stories here.

In the end, I personally would have changed a tiny bit. However, doing so would likely mar your storytelling 'voice', as it were. So please take these mild suggestions and toss them out as you wish.

"We walk out into the street. It is getting dark now. We are walking together, talking, when I see her coming toward us--my angel. She is with a guy, a kind of shy looking guy. As they pass us, she looks at me and smiles. I smile back. She is on her way to helping another shy virgin become a man. I'm on my way to my new life with my new girlfriend."

This is how I would have done it. Like I said, if you don't like it, mumble under your breath for me to fuck off and roll your eyes.

"As we walk into the street, I notice it is getting dark. We walk together, talking, and I see Her coming toward us. My angel with another man, a shy looking man. As they pass us, she looks at me and smiles, earning a return smile from me. We go on our separate paths -- she to help another shy virgin become a man, and I to live a life as a new man."

The girlfriend thing? I don't know that I personally liked that. He hasn't really known her long enough to be able to call her THAT, although I'm sure it will get to that point.

I hope I helped.