Pinky Bunny

[roc1knight]

Pinky bunny, what are you staring?
On a table and near the queen.
Maybe a plate full of ice cream.
Or a dessert has a cute appearance.

Pinky bunny, what are you staring?
Forget your lovely face, and even your low neckline.
Maybe you are shy under my gazing.
Or too pride to show any passion.

Pinky bunny, what are you staring?
Surround by balloons—round, peach heart, star and my poetry.
Maybe they talk to you when you pretend to be listening.
So you can't escape, even you don't look at me.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Maybe you should have some grammar lessons before posting in English.

 

[roc1knight]

Maybe you should have some grammar lessons before posting in English.

Looking forward for your teaching.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Looking forward for your teaching.

I don't teach grammar.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Pinky bunny, what are you staring?
On a table and near the queen.
Maybe a plate full of ice cream.
Or a dessert has a cute appearance.

Pinky bunny, what are you staring?
Forget your lovely face, and even your low neckline.
Maybe you are shy under my gazing.
Or too pride to show any passion.

Pinky bunny, what are you staring?
Surround by balloons—round, peach heart, star and my poetry.
Maybe they talk to you when you pretend to be listening.
So you can't escape, even you don't look at me.
​

Your text has the potential for being a very nice poem, not much is missing. (But "not much" often makes a huge difference, especially in poetry and on many other occasions too).

You have two problems, I'd think:

As UYS has observed, your English is not there yet. My own is nothing to speak about hence I won't say much more. One simple advice is to use software Grammarly. It has an amateur version free of charge (or you may subscribe to a professional version). However, it seems that at this stage you need more than just Grammarly. Indeed, in the case of your text (poem), my amateur version of Grammarly objects only to one comma in line 5 (before "and") -- commas before "and" are a bit tricky for linguistic and logical reasons. Thus Grammarly will not help you much in this case.

Another problem, in my not so terribly humbling opinion, is that you rushed your text before you had a chance to know clearly -- very clearly -- what you want to say. The high school essays often suffer from this (well, they did some sixty five years ago ).

The two problems go hand in hand.

Once again, this text [Pinky bunny ...] has potential (the other one was totally trivial).

******

Well, against my better judgment, let me mention your Line 1. Perhaps you need "at" at the end of this line, like this:

what are you staring at?​

In a different situation, one could ask something like:

why are you staring?
​

I hope that you see the difference, and I hope that my remark is ok or else let someone correct me.
without any "at".

 

[roc1knight]

Your text has the potential for being a very nice poem, not much is missing.

Thank you for your constructive suggestions. The correction of "staring" is quite useful. "Why are you staring" is good, make no harm of its rhythm.