phoney Sub (culture)?

[greencucumber]

I wanted to experience what the dom/sub thing was all about thinking perhaps I was missing out so I advertised for a partner to give it a go. And my observations were that those women I came across looking for a dom were the prickliest domineering individuals imaginable. Probably bosses at work and at home. My observations and "perhaps" conclusions were that the "would be" sub was simply play acting to make them feel not so guilty for the bullying disposition they discharge to others during the day. Which makes me think that the person they are looking for does not exist outside of their imagination. And this indefinite search goes on fruitlessly for that reason. Simply chasing rainbows. I may be wrong but to I challenge someone to logically*prove me wrong.
Update:
Many thanks for all of your thoughts. As I imagined it seems to have stirred up a hornets nest. First as there seems to be a lot of very sharp jibes for daring to put my head above the parepet and speaking my mind, however , putting emotion to one side there are some very interesting observations that I had not thought about and will take on board. However I cannot ignor that the "seemingly to me" ungracious and disparaging disposition of some of the commenters simply reinforce my view that a lot of S/D are bullies who insist on trying to shape others thinking to conform to the own. However if there is anyone who can offer advice in kindness without setting out to strip me of my dignity then your comments would be welcome.
Have a nice day.
__________________
Gently Bentley

 

[RawHumor]

If your whole d/s experience is based on a few online interactions, then you don't really know anything about d/s.

Also, what qualities did you bring to the table as a dominant, besides wanting someone to submit to you?

 

[DaddyFrank]

You wanted to experience it so you advertised? In my experience and opinion, a true Dom can see a sub, the potential, the beauty, the magnificence of a true sub. It's not a matter of finding one on a dating site, it's a matter of finding one that feels you are worthy of accepting the best they have to offer. Therefore you must BE worthy.

This lifestyle was not something that was a choice. I have always been a Dom, always knew what I am. It's not something that can be an act on either partner's part. It's about trust and respect, it doesn't sound like you understand that.

 

[Malich]

I've gone bck and read some of your adverts here and all I can comment is that you were not exactly specific in what you were looking for beyond a specific taste in music and them to be married.

D/s is not a one size fits all. You cannot expect to say "I want a sub" and expect the first person you come across to be perfect. You are going to get a lot of people, like yourself, who are uncertain of what they want and are just "give it a go".

I've been looking for 15 years now and in that time I've had a few relationships that lasted but also had many, many online and real life meet ups that never went anywhere because we were looking for different things and when I post I go into way more detail than you did which limits significantly the pool of people who reply to those who know what I offer / desire.

So, as others have said above, you need to seriously think about what you want, what you offer and then give that information out for people to respond to. Detail the aspects of D/s that you're interested in. If you're not sure what you're interested in then i suggest you back off the whole D/s thing until you've out a bit more time into researching the various aspects, psychologies and, above all, safety precautions involved. Detail the kind of person you're looking for. Detail how you see the relationship going (OL only, potential RL meet ups, amount of time you expect to interact with someone daily / weekly).

Once you've done all this and then given it a few tries maybe then you can come back and say its fruitless. But remember if you do not properly feed and nurture the tree you'll never get fruit.

 

[MeekMe]

I wanted to experience what the dom/sub thing was all about thinking perhaps I was missing out so I advertised for a partner to give it a go.

So, you just wanted to see what all the fuss was about and thought a submissive woman would just bow down before you if you told her you were a dominant?

And my observations were that those women I came across looking for a dom were the prickliest domineering individuals imaginable. Probably bosses at work and at home. My observations and "perhaps" conclusions were that the "would be" sub was simply play acting to make them feel not so guilty for the bullying disposition they discharge to others during the day.

Play acting like you?* Just putting on a different costume to get your jollies?

Did you actually get to know them and learn anything about their personal lives? Did they contact you, or did you contact them?

I think you came across their filters and didn't pass. There's a misconception that submissive = easy. Many men looking for quick, easy cybering come across "submissive women" and think that's their ticket to getting something for nothing, or in the least, very little effort. Call yourself dominant and hope that someone will be naive enough to fall for the act. Male and female submissives unfortunately have to be aware of scams and predators (though I'm sure there are similar problems on the other side of the slash).

Not all d/s is exactly alike. A sub in one relationship is not the same as a sub in another relationship. If all you're looking for is a NSA female sub to give you sex, you might want to put out a more descriptive ad than this:

Wanted a Married middle aged woman who adores being dominated and who is genuinely obedient.

Even someone who "adores being dominated and is genuinely obedient" is going to want to get to know someone and decide if they're willing to trust that person enough to serve them.

Which makes me think that the person they are looking for does not exist outside of their imagination. And this indefinite search goes on fruitlessly for that reason. Simply chasing rainbows. I may be wrong but to I challenge someone to logically*prove me wrong.

__________________
Gently Bentley

What kind of person do you think they're looking for? What did you think was going to happen when you talked to these women? What does d/s look like to you?

If you look around this forum, you'll find that it usually comes down to compatibility. Just like any other relationship, d/s isn't special, it's not easier, it's not the holy grail of sexy fun times. It's just like finding anyone else, but maybe now there's a negotiation for power exchange and/or kinks involved.

Just because someone identifies as submissive does not mean they will be submissive to you.

*Role playing is not being used in a negative way here. What is considered "real" or "true" is completely subjective and dependent on those directly involved.

 

[Endless_Night]

I’m not sure what logic has to do with your post, but I’m guessing you didn’t do much research before hitting the online circuit.

Not everyone who identifies as sexually submissive is submissive on a full time basis. The key word here is sexually. Plenty of people, both men and women, are “bedroom only” subs. They may easily be “the boss” at work and at home, not to mention outspoken and/or demanding in everyday life. I’m not sure why you think they should feel guilt over such behavior.

Even those that exhibit a broad spectrum submissive personality aren’t likely to bow down and be submissive to every so called “Dom” that comes along. A submissive tag doesn’t mean an individual has no personality, no needs or expectations. They have their own list of kinks and interests to be met, and they may - and should - be darn picky about who they choose to deliver them!

If you’re looking for a sub that submits to you straight away, well…good luck!

It sounds as though you’re looking for a very specific submissive personality type. Perhaps that should be included in your ads, along with a detailed description of what you have to offer a potential partner.

 

[Tech_Director]

I wanted to experience what the dom/sub thing was all about thinking perhaps I was missing out so I advertised for a partner to give it a go.

"give it a go." Yeah that's the way to do it.

I've never gone skydiving but maybe I should give it a go? Oh, perhaps it might be worthwhile to learn a little about it before I do. You know, little things like maybe you NEED a parachute if you want to do it more than once?

Seriously, D/s is not something you take up as a hobby or a second job and if you DO approach it like that, you're not GIVING anything to whoever you're dealing with and err, guess what, they'll recognize that in a heartbeat and they won't give you back anything EITHER. If you HAD found someone that was willing to submit to you, I'd be more inclined to say THEY were a member of the "phoney Sub culture" as you call it.

 

[Monica_112]

I wanted to experience what the dom/sub thing was all about thinking perhaps I was missing out so I advertised for a partner to give it a go. And my observations were that those women I came across looking for a dom were the prickliest domineering individuals imaginable. Probably bosses at work and at home. My observations and "perhaps" conclusions were that the "would be" sub was simply play acting to make them feel not so guilty for the bullying disposition they discharge to others during the day. Which makes me think that the person they are looking for does not exist outside of their imagination. And this indefinite search goes on fruitlessly for that reason. Simply chasing rainbows. I may be wrong but to I challenge someone to logically*prove me wrong.

__________________
Gently Bentley

Why?

What is in you that makes you think you want to experience control? What do you need to see in a partner?

This is what's wrong with the popularisation of D/s through crap "literature" and bad films. That's not how it works.

I'd advise you don't play with something you have no real interest in just because it's popular

 

[Algos_Idoni]

Personally, the OP doesn't sound like someone who wants to learn, but get his sexual jollies off. Thinking he could find someone easily enough that would send pics at a command.

If you want to learn, don't go bashing and don't challenge someone to prove you wrong. Read, ask questions. Talk to others who identify as a Dom.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Bramblethorn]

Just because someone identifies as submissive does not mean they will be submissive to you.

Quoted for truth. Also, even if somebody is interested in submitting to you in the bedroom, that doesn't mean they're going to fall on their knees the moment you say hi.

 

[Cicca_Jai]

Green,
IDK about others but for me here it how it works.
I have to be on top of everything every day all day without a break. I have to watch my back, play nicely with others and kiss various asses all fucking day long. Then when I got home I got to play the dutiful fucking wife to a sloppy, fucking drunk, ass-hat.
So no, the bedroom is the one place I don't really want to think... I want to have a good time within the limits my playmate and I have set (This is why we have those talks) go home and call it a day.
If you expect to be able to just do what you want with your mate without limits then perhaps it is you who misunderstands things? Honest communication is essential to safe play.
If you can't have an honest convo about limits and do's and do nots I fear you will find that this is prolly not the "thing" for you.
Perhaps someone who is younger, a bit jacked up in the head with real daddy/self esteem issues would be better suited to your needs? Not a snark, just a question/thought.

 

[Primalex]

I may be wrong but to I challenge someone to logically*prove me wrong.

You are an idiot.


And I can prove this logically, because you ask us to falsify an opinion, which by definition is impossible, as only facts can be falsified.


Case closed.

 

[Dyslexicea]

greencucumber,

How strange, you insult every submissive woman who posts to this forum while at the same time expecting all of us to respond to you in a gracious manner, most likely while on our knees. Being a submissive woman doesn't make us door mats by the way. Even if you were dominant, which you're not, doesn't mean any of us have to be submissive to you.

The logic in I'm man which equals masculinity which equals dominance so all submissive women should submit to me, a man, doesn't cut it, just because you're a man it doesn't make you dominant or for that matter even masculine. If you feel the few comments you've received on your two threads here on the BDSM board strip you of your dignity, you truly don't have the makings of a dominant person. I'm quite sure that even a few short correspondence with any submissive woman who answered your add, didn't take her long to know you are not dominant.

By the way this is Literotica, you have no way of knowing if the women who did respond to your add were submissive. As a matter of fact you don't even know if they were women, I assure you I've had a enough interaction with women who are 'Not Women' on the LGBT board to know.

If you would have asked a respectful question or asked your question in a respectful way, you would have received respectful answers. What you did wasn't in the least bit respectful and none of us has to PROVE anything to you, nor do we gain anything in doing so.

Yes I'll have a nice day and part of this day well be real D/s with my real partner who happens to be my wife. Since you seem to be the one who's actually looking for rainbows, I'm guessing you'll only have a nice day if it rains.

Here's hoping you a rainy day!

 

[Imp1982]

You wanted to experience it so you advertised? In my experience and opinion, a true Dom can see a sub, the potential, the beauty, the magnificence of a true sub. It's not a matter of finding one on a dating site, it's a matter of finding one that feels you are worthy of accepting the best they have to offer. Therefore you must BE worthy.

This lifestyle was not something that was a choice. I have always been a Dom, always knew what I am. It's not something that can be an act on either partner's part. It's about trust and respect, it doesn't sound like you understand that.

 

[SpunThings]

Just because someone identifies as submissive in a relationship does not mean they have a submissive personality. It also does not mean they are necessarily obedient. It means they CHOOSE to submit to someone else's authority. That choice is sort of required to be defined as submission, otherwise its coercion or assault (or harassment in an online context). Most sane people choose to negotiate if and how that submission will work beforehand, because their own fulfillment/happiness/pleasure/whatever else is at stake.

I identify as an s-type, and you can call me prickly and domineering all you like. I kind of am sometimes, but am happily married to a man who I will gladly cede authority to.