Phone Sex Fails

[Choirg1rl]

Phone Sex Fails/Wins

I've been playing on Lit for about 6 months now, and it's been a really fun and liberating way to explore my sexuality in a safe way. I have a penchant for audio porn and phone sex, and I've had a few really satisfying interactions with other Litsters. But, as we all know, sexual chemistry can be elusive, and for every gifted virtual lover out there, there are dozens of bottom-dwelling mouth-breathers.

I thought it would be funny and cathartic to share some of the most egregious missteps my would-be phone/chat lovers have made, and I'd love to hear about yours (anonymously, of course; let's not be mean). May they serve as a cautionary tale to other aspiring Don Juans.

Fail: I was recently chatting with a man who asked me to tell him something he didn't know about me. I replied that I had a sister. He asked me if she was as sexy as I was, and if he could have her Skype ID. Eww, dude.

EDIT: This thread is all in good fun, and not intended to be relentlessly negative, so feel free to share really fantastic experiences as well. Anyway, one person's fail is another person's win.

Dudes, I'd love to hear your stories, too!

Win: One of my very first experiences on Lit was with a lovely Scottish gentleman. We talked for an hour and a half before things became intimate. Just a lovely, long meandering conversation that melted effortlessly into dreamy phone sex. Perfection.

 

[cryingalien]

I've been playing on Lit for about 6 months now, and it's been a really fun and liberating way to explore my sexuality in a safe way. I have a penchant for audio porn and phone sex, and I've had a few really satisfying interactions with other Litsters. But, as we all know, sexual chemistry can be elusive, and for every gifted virtual lover out there, there are dozens of bottom-dwelling mouth-breathers.

I thought it would be funny and cathartic to share some of the most egregious missteps my would-be phone/chat lovers have made, and I'd love to hear about yours (anonymously, of course; let's not be mean). May they serve as a cautionary tale to other aspiring Don Juans.

I was recently chatting with a man who asked me to tell him something he didn't know about me. I replied that I had a sister. He asked me if she was a sexy as I was, and if he could have her Skype ID. Eww, dude.

I dont see the big deal....just tell him "no" and the conversation moves on

 

[Choirg1rl]

I dont see the big deal....just tell him "no" and the conversation moves on

Nope. That's where the conversation ends for me.

 

[newengland07]

I agree very sketchy

 

[roc23]

Gotta say I've never had a bad phone sex experience. Every girl goes with the flow no matter what I said.

 

[Que]

I agree very sketchy

Agreed, why move from the sister at hand on to the sister in the bush? Threeway conference calling FTW!

 

[UrbanBohemian]

I dont see the big deal....just tell him "no" and the conversation moves on

See, that's the thing. If you don't see why that's a problem that's where the fail comes in on your part too.

This is not rocket science, people. Gotta be a little more receptive than this. Just saying.

 

[enjoy_reading]

Not quite a sex call but a crank sex call.

I'm dating myself, but this was before the caller id, answering machine, voice mail, call screening ... When the phone rings you pick up and answer it.

My girl friend answered a call and a man said he was taking a health survey and would she mind answering a few questions. He started with some general questions like height and weight, body size and measurements. Length of hair and style, eye coloring ... I guess building up a mental image of her.

Their Q & A continues until he asked if her pubic hair color matched the hair color on her head. That was kind of a strange question to ask as she hesitated in answering. Silence from her ... He followed up and asked if her pussy was soft and if her pussy was easily penetrable.

Now alarms were going off in her head. She realized it was a crank call and hung up the phone. For the whole week after that, she would hand me the phone if I was there in her apartment. Just in case the crank caller called her back, but he never did.

Since this is Lit ... I guess if he did call back, I would have answered, her public hair color matched, her pussy was soft and very easily penetrable. I would add it gets very wet too. LOL

 

[Choirg1rl]

Agreed, why move from the sister at hand on to the sister in the bush? Threeway conference calling FTW!

This made me LOL! "sister at hand to the sister in the bush" is a marvelous turn of phrase.

 

[Choirg1rl]

Their Q & A continues until he asked if her pubic hair color matched the hair color on her head. That was kind of a strange question to ask as she hesitated in answering. Silence from her ... He followed up and asked if her pussy was soft and if her pussy was easily penetrable.

Now alarms were going off in her head. She realized it was a crank call and hung up the phone. For the whole week after that, she would hand me the phone if I was there in her apartment. Just in case the crank caller called her back, but he never did.

I got a call exactly like this when I was about ten years old. I have since wondered if the caller was just wildly hoping against all odds that we would end up having phone sex, or if grossing me out and scaring me was the thrill in itself.

 

[bi11ionaire]

My story is rather funny. I ended up talking to someone who was really sweet and nice (and had a delightfully dirty imagination), but would make a few odd noises due to a breathing issue she had.

I didn't really mind it in the least, but every time I'd hear it, I brought it up by asking, "did you hear that sound?". She'd deny it and make me seem as though I was hearing things.

This went on till a point where I thought I was going batshit crazy, only to realize after asking her (yet again) that it was indeed her.

As things happen, we drifted apart and so it goes.

 

[Choirg1rl]

This one falls somewhere between a fail and a win:

One of the first men to contact me when I joined Lit was a radio announcer from the Midwest. He had such a comically stereotypical Midwestern accent ("You BETCHA") that I had the fleeting thought I was being trolled. I had to clap my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing when he started talking dirty to me. Ultimately, however, he got the job done, and I did orgasm, so I have to give credit where credit is due. Still, I couldn't quite bring myself to contact him again.

 

[Gwanji16]

Ha! I am from the Midwest and I did have that accent, but years of living in Paris have washed it away a bit. Ya, sure!

Last year, I had a call with someone I met through another site. I am not much of a phone person, so the experience was quite new to me. We had a generic casual conversation that quickly eased into sexy, and started to describe how we were taking our clothes off and what said action would reveal. She said Her name was Sandy, I called myself Tim, and she had just started to describe her pubes and pussy, when her dog started to bark. Simone, stop barking, she said. Funny, I said, I have a cousin who has a dog named Simone. I have only one cousin, she laughed, and he lives in Paris. Uh oh. Katy, I asked? Gary, she responded?

That next Thanksgiving was a mix of sexy and awkward, I have to say!

 

[Choirg1rl]

Ha! I am from the Midwest and I did have that accent, but years of living in Paris have washed it away a bit. Ya, sure!

Last year, I had a call with someone I met through another site. I am not much of a phone person, so the experience was quite new to me. We had a generic casual conversation that quickly eased into sexy, and started to describe how we were taking our clothes off and what said action would reveal. She said Her name was Sandy, I called myself Tim, and she had just started to describe her pubes and pussy, when her dog started to bark. Simone, stop barking, she said. Funny, I said, I have a cousin who has a dog named Simone. I have only one cousin, she laughed, and he lives in Paris. Uh oh. Katy, I asked? Gary, she responded?

That next Thanksgiving was a mix of sexy and awkward, I have to say!

:-O! That story is AMAZING!

 

[Gwanji16]

Fortunately, we were able to laugh it off. Red, I said, when I saw her on Thanksgiving. Hi, six inches, she said. I had learned she wore only thongs and she knew now I had a small birthmark on my penis. We flirted a bit, and it got close to hot, but we never went beyond that first call. She has a lovely ass, (as do I), but as good Irish Catholics, we never crossed the line.

Nice meeting you here. If only I had an English accent!

 

[DavidLynn46]

Funny

One of the funniest things I've ever heard was when talking to a lovely lady from another state late one night. It was one of those great conversations you dream about. As the conversation moved from casual to sexual she said she had to warn me about her limits. I told her that would be fine. Then without missing a beat she said her limit was "Fire". I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. But sure enough she went on and on about how she didn't like fire being brought up during an erotic or stimulating conversation. I respected it, but had to laugh inside. Fire is something that had never crossed my mind.

 

[Choirg1rl]

Fortunately, we were able to laugh it off. Red, I said, when I saw her on Thanksgiving. Hi, six inches, she said. I had learned she wore only thongs and she knew now I had a small birthmark on my penis. We flirted a bit, and it got close to hot, but we never went beyond that first call. She has a lovely ass, (as do I), but as good Irish Catholics, we never crossed the line.

Nice meeting you here. If only I had an English accent!

Ha! Well, a girl's got to narrow the field somehow.

A Midwestern accent by way of Paris has to be interesting. xx

I hope you don't mind, but after reading your comment, I read some of your past posts and found the one about your ex who cried out "OH TIM," during sex. Is that why you chose that pseudonym when chatting with "Red?" Hilarious!

 

[Choirg1rl]

One of the funniest things I've ever heard was when talking to a lovely lady from another state late one night. It was one of those great conversations you dream about. As the conversation moved from casual to sexual she said she had to warn me about her limits. I told her that would be fine. Then without missing a beat she said her limit was "Fire". I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. But sure enough she went on and on about how she didn't like fire being brought up during an erotic or stimulating conversation. I respected it, but had to laugh inside. Fire is something that had never crossed my mind.

Ha! As hard limits go, fire seems sensible.

 

[DavidLynn46]

Unexpected

I agree. It was just out of the blue. I just wasn't expecting it.

What's one of your more hilarious ones Choir?

 

[Gwanji16]

Ha! Well, a girl's got to narrow the field somehow.

A Midwestern accent by way of Paris has to be interesting. xx

I hope you don't mind, but after reading your comment, I read some of your past posts and found the one about your ex who cried out "OH TIM," during sex. Is that why you chose that pseudonym when chatting with "Red?" Hilarious!

Of course I don't mind!

Yes, exactly! I wanted to go full circle, but obviously did not even pull that off (pardon the pun) right. Tim has brought me nothing but pain!

Perhaps we could just speak French. I could make you forget I was an American

 

[Porkwarrior]

Nope. That's where the conversation ends for me.

See, I could see myself saying that, but in a Cheshire grinning cat kind of way. I've stuck my foot in my mouth more than a few times...worst was trading pics with each other and she sent me a pic of her and her "hottie friend" comparing cleavage on her kitchen island together, and I might have said something like "MmmmGrrrrr I'd love to have to watch me cum all over your friends tits, then make me watch while you lick it off, the whole time not being able to touch either of you...."

"THAT'S MY DAUGHTER ASSHOLE!"

After she hung up the second thought through my head was...Who compares whose cleavage is sexier with their daughter, THEN bitches at the first man that inadvertantly cums on them?

Ooops...I guess.
(Note to all Lit gals, whenever sending hot pics of verboten family members, please advise BEFORE opening that they are VERBOTEN family members. And please allow a 30sec rule of hardon induced snark. Kinda like the 5 second rule of toast hitting the floor, only due to reduced blood flow to the brain some parts may be oxygen starved and working a little slower....)

This one falls somewhere between a fail and a win:

One of the first men to contact me when I joined Lit was a radio announcer from the Midwest. He had such a comically stereotypical Midwestern accent ("You BETCHA") that I had the fleeting thought I was being trolled. I had to clap my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing when he started talking dirty to me. Ultimately, however, he got the job done, and I did orgasm, so I have to give credit where credit is due. Still, I couldn't quite bring myself to contact him again.

For limited time only, putting the O in orgasm, the Waubaushaw Waterfall of pussy dripping goodness, from the backdoor to the G spot and nonstop shopping inbetween, hitting all the classic oldies this spin and coming back at you with the top ten at 10...

OMFG you were a champ to rub one out that night. I can almost picture it.

Ha! As hard limits go, fire seems sensible.

OMFG HAVE YOU FOUND FETLIFE? PEOPLE DO GET OFF ON FIREPLAY! I went to a play party not that long ago, and had to restrain myself from throwing blankets on people walking around, or bound, on fire.
Yes, I meantally created a map of all the extinguishers there. Stop, drop & roll indeed.

 

[Porkwarrior]

Okay some of my hits & misses. Thankfully mostly hits...but yeah a few misses along the way.

Misses:

Pets are the worst. Listening to an Aussie woman deep throating a dildo with my hand pounding like Thor's warhammer, getting close, can feel it building...then it sounds like she is choking, and for a brief terrifying moment I thought she actually was choking to death on the toy in her mouth which she was licking clean only because she knew that would push me over the edge...only it was her 100lb+ Rottweiller/Husky mix that decided to jump up on her bed and start humping her leg. Apparently we even got her dog hot.

Playing with a friend that works far too hard, and just as I'm getting worked up she stops talking and just starts responding with single syllables...MMMmmm....Hhhmmmm....UUUhhhh...I'm thinking she's really into it tonight. And just after I slide the last of my clothes off...she starts snoring. Back to back 14hr days with 4hrs sleep will do that. But yeah, I'm so hot I put chicks to sleep. Yay me. Sob.

Wins:

Accidentally discovering Skype threesomes. I had an FWB that was a bit of a voyeur, she liked to watch me have phone sex. All parties involved knew what was going on, but usually she stayed mostly quiet and just played by herself. Except the one night when I was really getting into it, then suddenly I was surprised by her mouth around my cock. One thing led to another...and my Skype friend was on speakerphone, giving fantasy instructions on how she pictured us fucking, how she would really like to see us fucking, and getting off on getting us to do things we hand't tried before.
"He said he doesn't like a finger in his ass...is he still hard...I bet he hates that...and is harder then ever..."
"I can't hear you fucking anymore...fuck her until I can hear flesh slapping again...make her scream..."

That was a HAWT night, that went on for hours.

Different friend I hadn't seen for awhile, both running hectic schedules, just starting the first drink in her kitchen my Mother phones me. Being the good son ofcourse I answered it...and she went on...and on....and on....and next thing i knew, I pants were off and my friend had my cock in her mouth. And REALLY giving it too me good. After some grunting & groaning my Mother had to ask what I was doing, I told her I was moving some wood for a friend.
Then I REALLY started facefucking my friend, the whole time having my mother thinking I'm carting a cord of firewood.

So yeah, I've almost had phone sex with my mum. Kind of a miss....but mostly a win.

 

[enjoy_reading]

Okay some of my hits & misses. Thankfully mostly hits...but yeah a few misses along the way.

== clipped ==

Different friend I hadn't seen for awhile, both running hectic schedules, just starting the first drink in her kitchen my Mother phones me. Being the good son ofcourse I answered it...and she went on...and on....and on....and next thing i knew, I pants were off and my friend had my cock in her mouth. And REALLY giving it too me good. After some grunting & groaning my Mother had to ask what I was doing, I told her I was moving some wood for a friend.
Then I REALLY started facefucking my friend, the whole time having my mother thinking I'm carting a cord of firewood.

So yeah, I've almost had phone sex with my mum. Kind of a miss....but mostly a win.

So is that consider some kind of 'phone sex'? Since you're having sex and talking on the phone at the same time.

Been there and done that too. Especially when her mom calls. I try my hardest to make her slip up with her 'normal' voice talking with her mom. "Why do you sound out of breath my dear?"

 

[ararejewel]

Drunken Scottish girl. That's all I'm saying.

 

[eric60red]

smile

Drunken Scottish girl. That's all I'm saying.

Not to drunk to remember i hope