Personal Information and the boards

[KillerMuffin]

This just happened to me and I have to say that I am extremely pissed off about it. I decided against saying anything to Laurel, but I seriously doubt I'll ever discuss things of a remotely personal nature again.

Yes, I know, don't post anything that you don't want other people to know.

Anyway, if you post something that you consider BDSM forum specific to the BDSM forum and someone else uses that information on a different board, do you think they're wrong in doing it? Why?

For reference:

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=84235

 

[DVS]

Well, in my opinion, if you post it somewhere yourself, how is another person going to know it is so highly personal to you, it isn't suppose to be posted again?

A post is a post, and anything I say in a post is fair game to be posted again. That is the way it is. That is the way life is. Sure it sucks, if we say something we don't mean or something gets out we don't want out. But, that happens all the time.

I am sorry this has offended you, and in no way was I trying to be mean. But, if it's that personal, DON'T POST IT!

 

[petrel]

I think the comment was out of place not necesarily because of the personal content but because of the nature of the post which contained the reference to your 'colon' post. It was (I felt) a bitchy post - a kind of snide 'ooh look who's getting all hot and bothered - stuck up cow' type of comment.

I also think that your original response wasn't

KM's assanine, egotistical, thoughtless, shallow and just plain stupid comment

- it was just your opinion - which was what was asked for.

 

[HotXBunz]

Dang, not open to feedback huh?

I have refered folks from other forums (How To) here that had questions regarding toys and techniques I have written about. I do not know how I would feel if something I said here that I didn't give permission to crosspost popped up somewhere else appropo to nothing.

We have said over and over again that this is a community of like minded people. What we share here is shared with folks who understand the context of our posts. This was my fear when we got our own fourm. The people who had slogged through the pages of the mother thread were sort of insulated. we had our lurkers (typically 10 to 1 per post) but they didn't disrespect our privacy.

I have very heated opinions about boundaries and privacy. I see some others do not. I too will be careful in the future.

BTW, I liked and agreed about what you said about one handed writing, that is why I write for myself only.

 

[superlittlegirl]

I think you make an excellent point.

Edited because it is best to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

[DVS]

I think the comment was out of place not necesarily because of the personal content but because of the nature of the post which contained the reference to your 'colon' post. It was (I felt) a bitchy post - a kind of snide 'ooh look who's getting all hot and bothered - stuck up cow' type of comment.

I also think that your original response wasn't


- it was just your opinion - which was what was asked for.

Please...understand, I am NOT trying to cause trouble, but if you quote someone, in a situation like this, please also leave the quoted name in there. Thank you. There are nothing but words on these pages. No smiles, no frowns, nothing! No body language to help emphasize the tone of thought. If we aren't as correct as we can be, other problems can also arise, even though we don't mean for them to. I hope you do understand. Thanks.

 

[DVS]

Great. The quote you quoted didn't come through in my quote. Just reference your post to understand what I mean. OK? sorry for the confusion.

 

[wildsweetone]

to KillerMuffin

please excuse me for jumping in here, but you asked for opinions.

but for the life of me, i cannot see the difference between you making a comment on one forum, being quoted on another and you taking a story belonging to another author, not being upfront with why you want feedback on it and then dumping it publically.

neither of those are good practices, nor are they respectful for other authors who frequent different forums. comments should remain specific within each forum. i don't wish to read about your colonic cleanliness in order to discover why you needed it soaping up. but i was following the thread you referred to, and as it didn't make sense i searched until i found out.

so, if one is allowed to ask for feedback on another authors story, then why should an author have to ask permission to comment in a different thread about something which is already public knowledge.

perhaps you needed to take a little time out, again, before you jumped on here and let rip...?

there can't be different 'rules' for everyone, surely?

in my humble opinion, you also need to tone down your comments. you're getting peoples backs up with your forthright manner. ok be direct. but learn how to temper your opinion dear so others can handle it better.

if you're going to comment in public about a personal experience expect to deal with the consequences. just a thought... why aren't you talking to laurel about it?

 

[KillerMuffin]

Probably cause it's not Laurel's business, WSO. Whether I was angry or not doesn't mean it's Laurel's affair. I didn't talk to her, nor did I ask her to edit DVS's post. I have no intention of doing so. Why? I'm not terribly certain that what DVS did was actually wrong.

I'm not asking for support of my opinions. I'm not asking to be kissed up to. I'm not asking for sympathy, moral outrage, disgust, agreement, or anything. I'm asking a simple question and I am terribly fond of honesty, uncomplimentary or not.

I would like to add that I didn't think my colon belonged in the author's hangout to begin with and once provoked I should never have continued on with it. I'm supposed to be a grown up and some day, soon I hope, I'll act like it.

If you think this is "jumping on here and letting it rip" you are sadly mistaken. I'm asking a question that I'd honestly like an answer to. I'm not attacking anyone here. I didn't mention specific names beyond giving a frame of reference. But if you'd like to see "jumping on here and letting it rip," please let me know. I'll dig up threads and let you see my ass.

And since you asked. There is a big difference between a story and personal information. Stories are not people. Stories are not personal. There is no difference between me posting an unslanted request for feedback on a story and someone posting a request for reviews on Star Wars, a book, or music.

My question, if you'll be so kind as to actually answer it, is simple:

Anyway, if you post something that you consider BDSM forum specific to the BDSM forum and someone else uses that information on a different board, do you think they're wrong in doing it? Why?

 

[MissTaken]

.

Anyway, if you post something that you consider BDSM forum specific to the BDSM forum and someone else uses that information on a different board, do you think they're wrong in doing it? Why?
[[/url]

I think that once you have posted something on the boards, it is "fair game." You no longer have control over how that information is used.

Now, if information is shared in a pm, phone call, e mail, instant messenger, or in person and is brought to the board, then that would have been a violation of the "no personal info" rule.

However, I think that posters should carefully consider what information they are using and where they are using it prior to posting anything about another poster. I think this would be particularly true about any true life sexual experiences or tastes we may have.

Honestly, there is plenty that I have posted about myself that I would prefer not be shared on the GB. Not because I am embarrassed or anything like that, some things just aren't considered acceptable topics of conversation in mixed company.

 

[SpectreT]

It boils down to basic politeness and context. Me, I let just every little thing hang out here, and I use my own face to do it. Can't possibly be any more vulnerable than me. 'course, I don't bother too much with the GB anymore anyway, so.......

<shrug>

BTW, I retract my comment about a clean colon helping your disposition, KM.


I'm just teasing you.

 

[morninggirl5]

Re: Re: Personal Information and the boards

I agree with Miss T, however, i do hope we can maintain our sense of community here and understand that a lot of us post specific information, here in this forum, that we would prefer remain here.

KM stated in her original post, in the title of the thread, that she felt comfortable discussing the topic here in this forum. That statement to me implied that it was not a topic she wanted to discuss elsewhere and i believe her feelings in the matter should have been honored.

If this forum is to remain one where we all feel comfortable asking questions that are sometimes troubling, embarrassing, or even distressing, we must maintain the basic integrity of the community itself. This community developed and the forum came into existence because it was a haven for those of us who were seeking answers. If our questions, experiences, thoughts, and feelings are going to be thrown back at us in other places, at other times, then we can no longer claim this as a safe haven. We will simply become a slightly kinked GB. I don't think that is what any of us here want.

 

[SpectreT]

What she said.

 

[wildsweetone]

where are the rules that say posts from differing threads can't be referred to? i can't find them.

 

[morninggirl5]

There are no rules to that effect. If you read through several threads discussing rules and community guidelines for this forum, you will discover that the rules for lit are pretty simple.

There is a difference between rules and community standards, however. This discussion is really about a standard that we as a community here in the BDSM forum would like to uphold.

Referring to previous threads in this forum is done quite often. We also often bump threads that we feel might be relevant to a current conversations.


Bringing up a topic that was discussed here in the BDSM forum in a thread in another forum is completely different. This corner of Lit came to be in part because those of us who wished to discuss/explore/learn more about BDSM did not feel safe doing so in the other forums. Taking the posts/information shared here back into those other corners of Lit, is not desirable to many of us.

This topic, along with many others, is about all of us deciding how our forum will grow, develop, and prosper. There is no governing body deciding who can/cannot post or what can/cannot be posted. The community sets the standard through discussions such as this one.

Each of us has an opportunity to voice our opinion and concerns. We also have the opportunity to choose to participate in the forum or not based on the results of said discussions.

 

[wildsweetone]

it can't be achieved.

it's not a policeable type rule. there would be nothing stopping a reader from copying a post from BDSM into another forum as unregistered.

maybe the kind of comment you made KM would have been better off in the lit chat room instead of being published here.

 

[Guru]

 

[James Blandings]

Obviously, once we hit the reply button our words are out of our control, but I think it is simply good manners to keep any discusion confined to the forum in which it was initiated. In this particular case, KillerMuffin specifically stated that her comment was such that she was only comfortable making it here, and for someone to take it elsewhere, in an apparent attempt to diminish her in another forum, is a breach of the social contract that prevails here.
What if I were to pop into a discussion on the General Board about politics, for example, and say to someone who posted here, "Well, that's your opinion, but you also like to dress up like a french maid and get spanked" Would that be appropriate? Of course not, and neither was this.

 

[petrel]

Several other people have made this point better than I can so I'd just like to add to things to the mix in answer to KM's post. When I first read this I was upset - I don't post elsewhere much except on the RolePlay thread, now if someone new joined a RP thread I was in and made reference to my posts on the BDSM board in the way KM's post was discussed I would be upset and angry.
I go over there to RP - hey I'm not all perv you know and one of my (many) other interests is fantasy RP (non-sexual). I see the boards as a series of little rooms or pubs/bars. If I met someone in a gay/leaher/fetish bar and then bumped into them again in a 'nilla' bar I woudl not expect them to bring up things I had told them in the fetish/gay bar. Yes what I said in there was public, no I didn't say - please don't take this elsewhere but I would still expect people to respect my basic privacy.

So to sum up - no it isn't against the rules, but it was impolite at best - and I have to agree that as KM' post on the subject of colons was entitled - 'there's nowhere else I would feel comfortable saying this.' she had made the point about privacy there.


DMV - I left the author off the quote because I didn't want to drag someone else into the mix unless they came on over here themselves - that to me would have felt like talking about someone when they weren't here to defend themselves. I am sorry if you thought it was not a good thing to do.

 

[DVS]

Originally posted by James Blandings In this particular case, KillerMuffin specifically stated that her comment was such that she was only comfortable making it here, and for someone to take it elsewhere, in an apparent attempt to diminish her in another forum, is a breach of the social contract that prevails here.

The exact words of KM in this particular case were

You know, there's no place else I'd feel comfortable saying this, but...

Now, maybe someone close to her understood this to mean the BDSM forum, I don't know. But, to an outsider or to a person new to this forum, it could also mean the whole Literotica web site.
I, being new here, saw that complete thread and didn't think a thing about posting the simple little phrase I did. I say simple little phrase, because that was what I thought it was. Maybe my sense of humor is not the same as yours, but I didn't mean it as an apparent attempt to diminish her in any way.
Of course I am the bad guy here, so any attempt to explain this will most probably fall on some deaf ears.

As for my post being a breach of the social contract that prevails here, I don't quite see how I can yet be part of any unwritten protocol that surrounds this site. I didn't even know of an unwritten preference not to cross post. And, if there is a written rule that says you can not cross post, it hasn't been found.

Maybe after I have been here for a while, I will better understand what this social contract is. I do understand cliques and social associations, and how some members within can take a remark and view it as coming from an outside hate. This is not a fault, only someone seeing something from a certain point of view and nothing more. In this case, that point of view seems to be coming from the people who understand this unwritten social contract.

I would like to say this could surely happen again. If it is possible to have this put into words, it would probably be a good idea. No one wants to be ostracized for something so easily contained.

Originally posted by James Blandings What if I were to pop into a discussion on the General Board about politics, for example, and say to someone who posted here, "Well, that's your opinion, but you also like to dress up like a french maid and get spanked" Would that be appropriate? Of course not, and neither was this.

This is basically inaccurate. From what I understand, all I did was take information from one forum and, in my own words, reference it in another forum. The information was not fabricated. I did term it in my own words, but that was only my dry sense of humor. But, you may or may not agree with it being humor.

Now, if I did like to dress up as a French maid and get spanked, you could possibly reference that in a general post. But, I think your example is much more blatant than what actually happened in this instance. In all actuality, it truly wouldn't bother me, if it were the truth.

By the way, I have no problem discussing any of my kinks, so please feel free to ask. I am a very open person, and will answer any and all questions truthfully. And, if you want to discuss something on a person to person basis, this is fine, too. Constructive communication is always good when new to a venue. On the contrary, destructive condemnation is exactly what is not needed. Thanks, if you got this far. I appreciate you caring enough to read.

 

[DVS]

Originally posted by petrel
Several other people have made this point better than I can so I'd just like to add to things to the mix in answer to KM's post

Actually, petrel, you have explained it quite well. I didn't realize this is such a large place, and being as open as I am with my sexuality, I might have just misunderstood some of the feelings involved.
I appreciate your words to help me and others new to this forum understand proper posting procedure.

I guess I just assumed everybody was one big happy family, and I guess I now know that not to be true. I am sorry if I offended, but it wasn't at all intentional.

We all have to understand that even in a post where writers are involved, there are only words. Words can be mistaken as meaning something they aren't intended. No, the smilies won't take care of the feeling behind a post.

Feelings like a grin or a snicker or maybe despise. What ever it may be, it is left up to the reader to insert his or her own feelings into the post. I don't know anybody who is gifted enough to write something with enough feeling to have everyone understand.
And, once the reader inserts his or her feelings into this post, it can change completely from the original intended meaning.

Then, any confrontation in a post forum is never going to be a good way to argue, because again that feeling isn't there. So, both sides will keep their own feelings, usually being mad at the other side. Only when these sides finally calm down and think with cooler heads will the argument maybe find a solution.

In the future, I hope we don't jump to conclusions over things that are only a bunch of words on the page. At least ask before you shoot.

The reason I wanted any quote to have the quoter's name included was because it seemed like it could be mistaken as my quote, when it actually wasn't. And, even the person who did say it said it in the heat of anger, and surely didn't mean it as it was said.

Oh, and sorry petrel, but I am DVS not DMV. The DMV, if I am not mistaken is the Division of Motor Vehicles. But, I did get a good laugh from it, just the same.

 

[cymbidia]

I agree completely with mg5, James, and Petrel.

The post about Muff's comments here that was made in another forum thread wasn't a violation of any Lit rule.

It was, however, a particularly nasty and distasteful bit of posting, intentional or not.

We've got absolutely no experience with this kind of unpleasantry. It's never happened here before. Everyone who's been a part of this place has understood that we discuss stuff here that should stay here, that belongs here, among those who understand the impulses that drive people like us.

I hope this case isn't a portent of things to come. We've had an extremely close-knit and supportive community for all this time and i feverently hope it continues along that track - for all of us.
cym

 

[DVS]

Re: I agree completely with mg5, James, and Petrel.

The post about Muff's comments here that was made in another forum thread wasn't a violation of any Lit rule.

It was, however, a particularly nasty and distasteful bit of posting, intentional or not.
cym

I would apreciate it, if you could be more specific as to what post was particularly nasty and distasteful. Just for my clarification, if nothing else. And, I mean no offence, at all. I am only trying to understand the different personalities involved. Thanks.

 

[cymbidia]

Your post was nasty and distateful, DVS. It was badly done of you to take something from here and use it to try to hurt another one of us in another forum.

In regard to that, you've pleaded ignorance with respect to Lit forum culture in general and the BDSM forum culture specifically. I think we've all heard you on that. We all understand that you didn't know it was wrong, that it was not against any rules, but definitely a violation of community standards.

Perhaps we've all learned something from this incident about new people and thier lack of understanding about the way this forum has always worked, even before it was a forum. I know this, though: it's still as safe as it's always been to post our truth here. This is the only occurance of this kinda thing in the almost-year we've been a cohesive group; our community is still a safe one for all who claim kinship here.

 

[DVS]

Your post was nasty and distateful, DVS. It was badly done of you to take something from here and use it to try to hurt another one of us in another forum.

I asked you to be specific on the post. You just reiterated what you said again.

What words did I say that were so bad. Could you quote what I said that offended you so? And, how did you decide I did this to intentionally hurt anyone?