Perchance to Dream

[christabelll]

Hi there!
My newest story is ready for your review
PLease feel feel to leave comments, feedback and more!
ENJOY!!!!

 

[Guest]

Hi there!
My newest story is ready for your review
PLease feel feel to leave comments, feedback and more!
ENJOY!!!!

I loved the story but the ending, it felt a little rushed as if you either grew tired of the story line or just wanted to move on. It was beautifully written, your voice and the sound of your narrative was strong. Keep it up, you do a wonderful job.

 

[christabelll]

I had to leave it some where...

Who knows- Maybe I will add a part two
But I am really glad you liked it.
Thank you for taking the time to leave me such marvelous feed back. I really do appreciate it.
I learn alot from various comments and examples so every litte bit helps. Thanks Again!!!

 

[Nasha]

Hey, Christabel.

Wow! You made some substantive changes to this!

In your original version, the sensuality was there, but now, with the different opening and the added scenes that show where Clarissa is coming from, I really connect with her. It was lacking, before, but you're working the pathos, now.

As I've said before, you have a knack for evoking sensual imagery. I'm impressed to see in this version of the story that you're also capable of putting across visceral, concrete details that convey a sense of tangible, somewhat grittier reality, as you do in these passages:

Halfway through the ritualistic lifting and sniffing of early cantaloupes, she felt her hackles rise. Cautiously she peeked over the rough texture of the fruit.

She was shaking so hard that she dropped them to the ground in a clatter of metal against pavement.

"Here, why don't you let me help you with that?" the voice was kind but laced with too much authority; too much control.

Clarissa is much more of a person, to me, in this version, which makes what happens matter in a way it didn't before.

Good job!

-Nasha

 

[christabelll]

Hi Nasha...
Thank you for the compliments and comments.

After reading all the different versions I had of the story ... oh somehwere around 8 of them... and the notes, suggestions etc., from folks who commented on the versions... I did rework it dramatically. I had no idea where it was going as writing takes on a life of its own for me... but in the end I took all the comments to heart and thus how it appears today.
I am considering putting a part two up but that will have to wait as other ideas have come to fore and I am off and running with them. But I do not fear it will be long in coming... some sections that you never saw ... will be incorporated into it...
especially as I have deliberately insinuated continuation with some of the dialogue that was written.... But I won't go ruining any surprises....

Thank you again. its high praise indeed from someone I consider an excellent writer.
Bon Chance! with every thing.

 

[snake307]

Nice story

I liked it.

 

[christabelll]

BUMP -

Hey folks...
as you know comments and feedback are the life blood of an aspiring writer...
take a moment and read the story - then if you are brave enough - vote and leave feed back.


And for those who asked - there will be a part two come fall...

ENJOY!


Look for another story "Crusader" coming soon!

 

[tickledkitty]

Hey, Christabelll...I only read the first page of this. Might get back to it later if I have time. I think it's a really good story. I like dreamy ethereal quality of it.

I did notice a lot of typos and a few small punctuation problems though. I am kind of anal in this area, so if I'm being too nit-picky, please forgive me. They did interrupt the flow of the story somewhat for me though.

I noticed that you wrote the word someone as some one twice. Not sure if this was intentional, but it distracted me.

"Uh - Ma'am?" Not sure if a hyphen is appropriate here. I might have used an ellipsis or even a period.

"I don't want to intrude but..." Should be a comma after intrude.

He understood all to well. all too well

At one point you did not capitalize God.

Thank God he hadn't succeeded in killing her the officer thought as he... I would either italicize the officer's thoughts or put them in quotes.

"Come on, Let me help you home." This should either be two separate sentences separated by a period, or the word Let should not be capitalized.

"But honey what you need to be looking for is a real, physical relationship." There should be a comma after honey.

There was no an answer, only the upwelling... Should the word an be taken out or the word not inserted?

"But you call me you hear?" There should be a comma after me.

"Yes," fluffy curls... This looks like the dream guy has something more to say, but there is no more dialogue in that paragraph. I'd put a period there.

"Are you family of light" You left out the question mark. What does this mean anyway? I'd imagine if I'd read the rest of the story I may have understood it. However, you said it several times, and my lack of understanding at that point was somewhat bothersome.

Again, it's a good story, and I am nitpicking. I've been told I'm very good at proofreading, so if you ever need someone for that I'd be willing, time permitting.

 

[christabelll]

Hi Tickled....
Wow... things I did not even see.... Thank you! 5 pairs of eyes on didn't catch them either. I may just take you up on the offer as my usual editor is MIA

For those who are into metaphysics, guides etc., in order to determine if your guide or what have you, is on the side of light or dark, it is a fundamental rule to ask three times in a row without interruption (no other questions to be asked), if they are of the light, family of light, guardians of light etc. They are compelled to answer honestly by the third time. If you do not ask three times in a row, they are not compelled to answer...
The difficulty of asking this in dreams, as most are not able to control or channel their dreams, is something I wanted to make apparent.
I had opted to not include the explanation of why she was asking... it gave away alot of the story, much to soon. And it was felt that it did not drive the story forward.

Perhaps in the sequel - I will include explanations of a few things... but this was about the erotica... not about the metaphysical "rules" of interraction.

As a general rule I do not Capitolize God. God is not a name it is an adjective describing something other... At least thats how I see it

Thank you for making such as detailed assessment. I look forward to what else you might have to say.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Not much wrong with this story, Christabel. Searching I found "ass hole" which I would normally write as "asshole" but that's really nit picking to find anything.

Good work, my friend.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I agree with Jenny, well done!

 

[christabelll]

DarkSide and Jenny

 

[lily4u]

This was dreamy, erotic, surprising and wonderfully written... I'm so pleased I stumbled upon your story and now I'm going to treat myself by reading your others. Thank you for sharing your delicious imagination with us all. xx

 

[Tribade]

Glad somebody agrees with me, I P.M,d the author and gave a glowing critique of the story. Only my opinion but I'm looking forward to the next part. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion but I loved it.

 

[christabelll]

Thank you Lily and Tri-Bade

I am glad that you enjoyed my story. If you went and read the others I hope you liked them as well.
It will be fall before Perchance has a sequel...though its "frame" is already created.
I am hot and heavy into writing my newest attempt = Crusader = so you can look for it mid to late July - expect it to be even longer...
I am also finally re-emersing myself in a book that I have written.
I am waiting for some critical feedback on the initial draft (hint hint - nudge nudge)
Any hooooo

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Ciao Bella!