Penny for your thoughts.....

[MiliktheRed]

This is the second ( or third if you count the prelude) chapter of a novel I'm writing called Kelly's Passion.
In this chapter Kelly's virginal sister is riding a bus on her way to visit her.
Personally, this is my favorite chapter and the votes have been okay. My probem is that I've only recieved I piece of feedback and the vote rating is lower than some chapters that I feel are inferior.
I would be thankful to anyone who would give it a read and let me know what you think.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=411262
Milik the Red

 

[MiliktheRed]

One thoroughly self gratuitous bump before this tread dies a slow, agonizing death......

 

[penandpaper]

Milikthered,

The pacing of your story is nice, and it seems to me to need only minor editing in the area of conventions.

"But the call of her aroused body was too strong. The idea of stopping, of not letting him continue to touch her, was unbearable. Her feminine passions were in control, and they demanded that she accept what this man was offering."

This paragraph is good. It's just slightly different enough to help the reader tune in. Also, the language of this quoted text makes me think of Kari herself. Her perspectives, her viewpoints. Another good line:

"Aaron flicked his tongue against the inside of her mouth and sucked her tongue into his own. His lips were warm and moist on hers. She was enchanted by the intensely personal nature of it." Again, her viewpoints are made clear and the idea of her character is strong.

This leads me to a however. If I may suggest, you might want to try writing this as first person and not omniscient. By doing so you will cut down on a lot of inconsistencies that the reader will find in your story. Here are some examples:

Compare these two, which are in chronological order of the story.

"She thought about how the men she encountered would look at her, sneaking glances at her when she was looking the other way or turning to watch her ass sway as she walked passed them. She smiled to herself as she thought about strange men finding her attractive, at the knowledge that they would want to touch and caress her youthful body. Just before she left, Kari put her hands inside her new panties and rubbed her clit furiously until she finally came all over her fingers."

"He held her so for a time, still whispering about the places he had been, and all the while she snuggled closer to him. She didn't really understand the feelings that he brought out in her, and certainly had no idea that, in her budding arousal, she was sending him sensual messages of her own."

The fact that she doesn't understand seems to be illogical. Ealier she was masturbating at the power and influence she'll have over starnge men, and now a stranger is holding her and she has no idea of the messages she's sending him. This leaves the reader doubtful. It impedes the development of Kari.

If you re-read this chapter, I believe you will find several more inconsistencies such as this one. Again, it's just a suggestion, but perhaps changing the point of view in the story will be beneficial in this aspect.

Other than that, good job. It was a nice read. Keep up the good work.

 

[MiliktheRed]

Sorry about the delay in responding, things have been distracting around me lately.
Thanks for your input. I dont feel that a first person account would have worked for this story because it is part of a larger work written in te third person, but I have written one story from that perspective and it seemed to work okay.
I can see why you thought it was a bit inconsistant, but the situations from wich you quoted, at least in my mind, explained why she felt the way she did. Either way, I respect your feed back and thank you for your time.

 

[Elianna]

Hey,

I want you to know that I'm NOT what anyone would consider an editor. I just get a certain "feeling" from text and try to express that to people.

On one hand, your story was well-written. You didn't have many typos though make sure you use the apostrophe correctly (it was probably a typo as well, but it's a pet peeve of mine).

As to the story, it felt a little flat... There are several editors here who have done a very good job at describing the difference between "telling" and "showing" in a story. I think that when the poster above said try telling the story in 1st person, they might have been attempting to indicate to this. Honestly, I didn't get through the scene, because I didn't feel the girl's feelings.

The 3rd person omniscient perspective you are using creates distance between characters and readers, and you had a lot of distance in my opinion. That doesn't mean you have to go to 1st person, though. You can still use third person but help us connect with this young girl by taking more time to describe her perception of things.

Now we get to MY opinion. I really didn't care about the 2 page history. It could have been much shorter and just as effective or perhaps done in a different way. You used a LOT of passive voice (which I suck at as well... it just creeps in there, I know). Once again, in this part, you told it like a narrator and well... I didn't feel connected to the girl at all. No sympathy, nothing, because you really didn't SHOW me how this felt. You told me, but...

Kari's solemn contemplation of her past was abruptly interrupted by a voice from beside her. She pulled her eyes from the desert wasteland moving past her window and turned to see who was talking to her.

This is sort of what I'm talking about. This "Tells" me what happened. It uses passive voice which, in my opinion gives some kind of disconnect to the reader.

A deep voice abruptly interupted her contemplation. Kari pulled her eyes from the desert wasteland and turned to see a man standing expectantly beside the empty seat next to her. He was tall, well-built and wearing some kind of leisure suit, but in the darkness she couldn't make out his face.

"I'm sorry to bother you Miss, but the person sitting next to me down the aisle is snoring rather loudly and I was wondering if you would mind if I took this seat?"

She looked up at him again and then nodded, gesturing for him to sit down. "Sure, be my guest."


In this, you are telling the event from Kari's perspective, but still are not in 1st person. You can switch any time you want, but since we're seeing things from her side, almost hearing her impressions, we connect more with her. Also, there is no more passive voice. It feels more immediate.

And OH could you start describing stuff that makes this real for us. How does he smell? Is he warm, how does she react to the presence of this large, shadowy man... *shiver* Right here. Immediate. The minute he sits, she notices...any woman would (even an inexperienced one).

So. There's my suggestion. Get rid of passive voice. Tell the story in 3rd person but maybe limit the perspective to Kari until it's necessary to switch. I'd find myself connecting more to her if I had access to her thoughts, perceptions, emotions.

I don't know if this helps or not. Good luck to you.

 

[MiliktheRed]

Elianna, I've read you suggestions and I think you have a valid point. I've wondered if the backstory was a little long or perhaps offensive to people with strong religeous views. It seems that perhaps the lenght was the problem.
Perspective on the other hand is a bit more difficult for me to get a hand on. I can see your point about stying n the 3rd person. This was only my second story and I believe that my later works improved on this point. Iwill certainly consider your point in my future writing.
For me, the most useful insight you've given me, and by that i mean one that I can incorporate into my stories now, is the one about how he smells, the manly scent, or her feeling his warmth etc. This is exactly the kind of feed back I was looking for.
I am somewhat dissappointed that you were unable to get through it, But from the votes it has received, at least a majority of readers at least found it to be enjoyable.