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- Jun 6, 2003
- Posts
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I was sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came across this site:
www.montypythonpages.com
Free naughty bits! Including full audio clips of The Cheese Shop, The Dead Parrot, and the training ground for Authors Hangout regulars, The Argument Clinic. I haven't explored the site yet, but I was able to hear the bazouki music and enjoy the various cheeses without registering.
Select Site Map from the menu at left.
Scroll down the Index to Sounds.
Beneath Sounds, choose Full Wave Sketches.
Audio clips are in the left-hand column, scripts on the right.
For full enjoyment, let the site soften at room temperature for a few minutes. It will be a bit runny.
THE CHEESE SHOP
CUSTOMER
John Cleese
WENSLYDALE
Michael Palin
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sketch:
Customer walks in the Henry Wenslydale's Cheese shop and walks past the bazouki player.
Customer: Good Morning.
Wenslydale: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Wenslydale: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
Wenslydale: Peckish, sir?
Customer: Esuriant.
Wenslydale: Eh?
Customer: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
Wenslydale: Ah, hungry!
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
Wenslydale: Come again?
Customer: I want to buy some cheese.
Wenslydale: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Wenslydale: Sorry?
Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
Wenslydale: So he can go on playing, can he?
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
Wenslydale: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
Wenslydale: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
Wenslydale: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
Wenslydale: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
Wenslydale: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Red Windsor?
Wenslydale: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah. Stilton?
Wenslydale: Sorry.
Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Lipta?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Lancashire?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: White Stilton?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Danish Brew?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Double Goucester?
Wenslydale: (pause) No.
Customer: Cheshire?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Dorset Bluveny?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?
Wenslydale: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
Customer: (surprised) You do! Excellent.
Wenslydale: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer: Oh, I like it runny.
Wenslydale: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Wenslydale: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Wenslydale: Oooooooooohhh........!
Customer: What now?
Wenslydale: The cat's eaten it.
Customer: (pause) Has he.
Wenslydale: She, sir.
(pause)
Customer: Gouda?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Edam?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Case Ness?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Smoked Austrian?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?
Wenslydale: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
Wenslydale: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Wenslydale: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
Wenslydale: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Wenslydale: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
Customer: Greek Feta?
Wenslydale: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Parmesan,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Mozarella,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Paper Cramer,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Danish Bimbo,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Czech sheep's milk,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Wenslydale: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar?
Wenslydale: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
Wenslydale: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: {pause}and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
Wenslydale: 'Illchester, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Wenslydale: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer: Is it.
Wenslydale: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
Wenslydale: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Wenslydale: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
Wenslydale: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Wenslydale: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
Wenslydale: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Wenslydale: Could be....
Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
Wenslydale: Told you sir....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me
Wenslydale: Yessir?
Customer: Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
Wenslydale: Yes,sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause) Wenslydale: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Wenslydale: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Wenslydale: Right-0, sir.
The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
www.montypythonpages.com
Free naughty bits! Including full audio clips of The Cheese Shop, The Dead Parrot, and the training ground for Authors Hangout regulars, The Argument Clinic. I haven't explored the site yet, but I was able to hear the bazouki music and enjoy the various cheeses without registering.
Select Site Map from the menu at left.
Scroll down the Index to Sounds.
Beneath Sounds, choose Full Wave Sketches.
Audio clips are in the left-hand column, scripts on the right.
For full enjoyment, let the site soften at room temperature for a few minutes. It will be a bit runny.
THE CHEESE SHOP
CUSTOMER
John Cleese
WENSLYDALE
Michael Palin
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sketch:
Customer walks in the Henry Wenslydale's Cheese shop and walks past the bazouki player.
Customer: Good Morning.
Wenslydale: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Wenslydale: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
Wenslydale: Peckish, sir?
Customer: Esuriant.
Wenslydale: Eh?
Customer: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
Wenslydale: Ah, hungry!
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
Wenslydale: Come again?
Customer: I want to buy some cheese.
Wenslydale: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Wenslydale: Sorry?
Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
Wenslydale: So he can go on playing, can he?
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
Wenslydale: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
Wenslydale: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
Wenslydale: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
Wenslydale: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
Wenslydale: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Red Windsor?
Wenslydale: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah. Stilton?
Wenslydale: Sorry.
Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Lipta?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Lancashire?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: White Stilton?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Danish Brew?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Double Goucester?
Wenslydale: (pause) No.
Customer: Cheshire?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Dorset Bluveny?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?
Wenslydale: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
Customer: (surprised) You do! Excellent.
Wenslydale: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer: Oh, I like it runny.
Wenslydale: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Wenslydale: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Wenslydale: Oooooooooohhh........!
Customer: What now?
Wenslydale: The cat's eaten it.
Customer: (pause) Has he.
Wenslydale: She, sir.
(pause)
Customer: Gouda?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Edam?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Case Ness?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Smoked Austrian?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?
Wenslydale: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
Wenslydale: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Wenslydale: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
Wenslydale: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Wenslydale: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
Customer: Greek Feta?
Wenslydale: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Parmesan,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Mozarella,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Paper Cramer,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Danish Bimbo,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Czech sheep's milk,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Wenslydale: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar?
Wenslydale: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
Wenslydale: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: {pause}and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
Wenslydale: 'Illchester, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Wenslydale: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer: Is it.
Wenslydale: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
Wenslydale: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Wenslydale: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
Wenslydale: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Wenslydale: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
Wenslydale: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Wenslydale: Could be....
Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
Wenslydale: Told you sir....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me
Wenslydale: Yessir?
Customer: Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
Wenslydale: Yes,sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause) Wenslydale: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Wenslydale: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Wenslydale: Right-0, sir.
The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
No worries.
