PDA Rules (crossposted for curiousity)

[Fleatopia]

My boyfriend, who I will henceforth refer to as my SO because I hate the word 'boyfriend,' has a complicated set of rules for public displays of affection that drive me absolutely batshit.

I should mention that while he is younger than me, he isn't a kid. Within his circle of friends there is only one couple. They are married. They do express affection openly and often when everyone is together.

1. In general, no kissing in public. Especially not around his friends. No, not even a light smooch.
2. No cuddling in public or any kind of social situation. i.e., watching a flick at a friend's place.
3. After a careful consideration of the level of affection other couples in our group might be enacting at the time he will determine what level we can tastefully perform. This particular rule is never, ever actually implemented with his friends, I'd like to point out. Only mine who we hardly ever see due to my circle being quite scattered geographically.

Now he claims these rules are an expression of consideration for his friends (who are all male and single except for the woman in the married couple). He and his buddies claim to want to view each other as asexual so they never have to visualize each other having sex at all.

The fuck is this all about? I have a large, coupled and un, group of friends who I have known for a long damn time. Is this really a male hang up that's just more prevalent in other groups besides mine or are my friends just too damn close?

--- this is now posted in two forums because I am supremely curious to see what different flavors of advice/thoughts/opinions I get in the different areas.

 

[HybridCrow]

I can't say for sure I know EXACTLY where he's coming from, but I can say that I for myself, I kind of agree that I really wouldn't want to see images of friends of mine having sex with their girlfriends. In a sense, it would drive me absolutely "batshit" as you say. Why? Well, I tend to believe I am a tormented soul. Not only do I get my writing ability through my imaginations, but I feel that my emotions and feelings become overpowering with anger and jealousy simply because I'm like the ONLY single guy in my group of friends. I'm EVEN the only virgin in the group as well.

No, I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be a virgin OR single, but as I said above, I think I am a tormented soul that needs to be put at peace. I know about affection and everything, but I do not know OF it, or how I can properly feel comfortable expressing it because I've never had that opportunity.


This is just my two cents on what I'M interpretting what you're saying. However, if he really loved you, I don't see how he would make such a big deal of random displays of affection in public, etc. Hell, I would just LOVE to be affectionate if at all possible.

I hope that I have helped a bit in my own insight.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I can understand to an extent when you're with his friends. However, I would expect to be allowed to sit closer to him, hold his hand, etc. Just the normal stuff that isnt like you're about to suck his face off and swallow it shouldnt be a problem. If he had a problem with me giving him an occasional peck on the cheek depending on the situation.

The way I see it, if he isnt comfortable sharing a tidbit of affection towards you in front of his friends, how can he be comfy doing it any other time? I dated a guy that was like this before. He went to the extent of not wanting to hold my hand in public even because it might offend other people. As long as you arent going overboard and hanging on everything he says or does (or even just hanging on him literally), than the little stuff shouldnt be a problem.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I can't say for sure I know EXACTLY where he's coming from, but I can say that I for myself, I kind of agree that I really wouldn't want to see images of friends of mine having sex with their girlfriends. In a sense, it would drive me absolutely "batshit" as you say. Why? Well, I tend to believe I am a tormented soul. Not only do I get my writing ability through my imaginations, but I feel that my emotions and feelings become overpowering with anger and jealousy simply because I'm like the ONLY single guy in my group of friends. I'm EVEN the only virgin in the group as well.

No, I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be a virgin OR single, but as I said above, I think I am a tormented soul that needs to be put at peace. I know about affection and everything, but I do not know OF it, or how I can properly feel comfortable expressing it because I've never had that opportunity.


This is just my two cents on what I'M interpretting what you're saying. However, if he really loved you, I don't see how he would make such a big deal of random displays of affection in public, etc. Hell, I would just LOVE to be affectionate if at all possible.

I hope that I have helped a bit in my own insight.

so do you have problems seeing your friends and their girlfriends doing the little things around you like holding hands and the occasional peck on the cheek? Would it offend you, or would you at least try to take the high road and be happy for your friends?

 

[HybridCrow]

It's not about being offended. I don't feel offended when I see my friends and others do this, even though I will admit that I forgot to point out that it doesn't happen too often.

It really is hard for me to explain what I'm trying to say about myself, except I lack experience and have never had the chance to gain that experience. And as I've said before, I feel like a tormented soul about it. There's a difference between offensive and tormentative. It's really complicated. I think I'm better understood IN PERSON, than I am when it comes to typing and writing because meanings about what is said get lost in translation.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

It's not about being offended. I don't feel offended when I see my friends and others do this, even though I will admit that I forgot to point out that it doesn't happen too often.

It really is hard for me to explain what I'm trying to say about myself, except I lack experience and have never had the chance to gain that experience. And as I've said before, I feel like a tormented soul about it. There's a difference between offensive and tormentative. It's really complicated. I think I'm better understood IN PERSON, than I am when it comes to typing and writing because meanings about what is said get lost in translation.

I guess offended was a bad word choice. I get what you're saying and all. I used to be in that boat all the time, only I had friends that had no problems rubbing it in, in a sense, when their boyfriends tagged along. I guess what I was trying to get at is, does it make you feel uncomfortable when you're around them and they're affectionate towards each other like I'd mentioned above, or does it bother you more than you'd like it to?

I'm one of those people where it all depends on who I'm with as well as the situation. I know there's times where I think my guy and I give a little too much, but my friends all know that they can tell me if they're uncomfortable or feeling tormented or whatever by us when we're out together. Generally, we do stick to the little things though (handholding and a peck on the cheek, etc.) but sometimes reality gets away from us both without us realizing it.

 

[HybridCrow]

I guess what I was trying to get at is, does it make you feel uncomfortable when you're around them and they're affectionate towards each other like I'd mentioned above, or does it bother you more than you'd like it to?

Yeah, I guess feeling uncomfortable is the BEST way to describe it. The reason I'm saying I feel like a tortured soul is because my mind is afflicted with images of a LOT of things that torment me.

Anyhow, again, yes I think uncomfortable is the better word of this situation. Makes me feel like the "third wheel".

 

[Nyte_BlackRose]

My take on it, the guy is nuts. I mean I can understand not wanting to engage in full on face sucking, or blatant groping, but if he isn't comfortable with a little closeness, a little kiss, a little cuddle while watching a movie or something similar around his friends, and they are wierded out by it, then well, they need to grow up. Seriously, two people enjoying a relationship touching is nothing anyone should ever scoff at. To say it bothers them to see it is the same as a 3rd grader running from the girls worried about coodies. That and if he isn't comfortable letting others see his affection for you, what does that really say about his opinion of you and his relationship with you?

 

[Fleatopia]

The way I see it, if he isnt comfortable sharing a tidbit of affection towards you in front of his friends, how can he be comfy doing it any other time? I dated a guy that was like this before. He went to the extent of not wanting to hold my hand in public even because it might offend other people. As long as you arent going overboard and hanging on everything he says or does (or even just hanging on him literally), than the little stuff shouldnt be a problem.

Well, in private he's very, very affectionate. He's a toucher and a hugger and a declarer. He's also terribly sweet to me and treats me like someone precious. I'd just like to get a little of that in public too, ya know.

 

[Fleatopia]

My take on it, the guy is nuts. I mean I can understand not wanting to engage in full on face sucking, or blatant groping, but if he isn't comfortable with a little closeness, a little kiss, a little cuddle while watching a movie or something similar around his friends, and they are wierded out by it, then well, they need to grow up. Seriously, two people enjoying a relationship touching is nothing anyone should ever scoff at. To say it bothers them to see it is the same as a 3rd grader running from the girls worried about coodies. That and if he isn't comfortable letting others see his affection for you, what does that really say about his opinion of you and his relationship with you?

I'm not sure if it says anything about his relationship with me, per se. From what I can gather this is a long-term attitude of his and has less to do with me than with him and his perceptions of dignity. I'm all for dignity! Let me get that out there. I'm not talking about swapping spit at the supermarket or groping for undie bits while in company.

I just... I think there's a happy medium here. One that includes some public display of affection that doesn't cross the line into public fucking.

 

[cryptictravler]

Guys rarely create bullshit rules based on a whole lot of thought. We usually make them as sort of permanent response to some unpleasant situation as a sort of hueristic to keep that from happening again. If he is cool and normallly decent, then at some point that rule rresponse will end, most likely without him thinking about it.

Although, admittedly, that's all coming from a guy who absentmindedly gropes (but only his SO).

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

My take on it, the guy is nuts. I mean I can understand not wanting to engage in full on face sucking, or blatant groping, but if he isn't comfortable with a little closeness, a little kiss, a little cuddle while watching a movie or something similar around his friends, and they are wierded out by it, then well, they need to grow up. Seriously, two people enjoying a relationship touching is nothing anyone should ever scoff at. To say it bothers them to see it is the same as a 3rd grader running from the girls worried about coodies. That and if he isn't comfortable letting others see his affection for you, what does that really say about his opinion of you and his relationship with you?

AMEN!

 

[SweetErika]

My husband is not a touchy-feely type, but we hold hands, hug, give quick on-the-lips and cheek kisses, and touch each other affectionately in public. It was difficult for him at the beginning of our relationship, but he understands it's important to me and has grown comfortable. Our family and friends know how we are, and some have told us they like how affectionate and happy we are with each other.

I've always thought couples who didn't really show any kind of PDAs were rather strange, even though I understand the viewpoint. I would even say no affection makes me uncomfortable because there's usually some tension surrounding the issue or it indicates a failing relationship (I'm not saying that's true in every case, just a feeling I get). I don't care to see public make out sessions or hear constant private comments, but short, tasteful displays are a good thing in my eyes.

 

[silverwhisper]

i gotta ask, just how old are these guys? it sounds like something a bunch of teens or frat boys might come up with.

ed

 

[Fleatopia]

i gotta ask, just how old are these guys? it sounds like something a bunch of teens or frat boys might come up with.

ed

They range from 24 to 30-something. I'm not sure how old the oldest is. But I believe he's just a smidge older than my own 32. He IS the married one, btw. My SO's 27.

Guys rarely create bullshit rules based on a whole lot of thought. We usually make them as sort of permanent response to some unpleasant situation as a sort of hueristic to keep that from happening again.

Well, see, the married couple mentioned above is very, in fact too, affectionate in public. I know at least part of this whole stupid ruleset is a knee-jerk reaction so that we don't "act like them. Yuck."

My husband is not a touchy-feely type, but we hold hands, hug, give quick on-the-lips and cheek kisses, and touch each other affectionately in public. It was difficult for him at the beginning of our relationship, but he understands it's important to me and has grown comfortable.

And this, Erika, is what I am looking for! There's that medium that I feel should be embraced and welcomed. I suppose I could cut him a little slack as I only moved in back in November, but I'm not very good at cutting slack for long periods of time. In my opinion, he should be adapted by this point and, by God, it's time for some shifting of mindset.

 

[silverwhisper]

fleatopia: look, i don't know how well you get along w/ this bunch, but seriously, i think they're a bunch of immature jerks. "rules"? what is this, a high school dance?

if my friends ever tried to set limits on how i display affection for my wife, i'd find a new set of friends, me.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

And this, Erika, is what I am looking for! There's that medium that I feel should be embraced and welcomed. I suppose I could cut him a little slack as I only moved in back in November, but I'm not very good at cutting slack for long periods of time. In my opinion, he should be adapted by this point and, by God, it's time for some shifting of mindset.

It took my husband a couple of years get to this level of comfort though, especially because he wasn't raised in an affectionate family and felt PDAs around them or anyone else would be criticized. We had lots of fights because he'd shrug off a kiss on the cheek or refuse to hold my hand, and it hurt me terribly. He finally realized that and just how important it was to me, and decided to work on it. (That's what he said when I asked just now)

So I guess you have to decide how important it is to you in the grand scheme of things. For me, rejection of more platonic affection and feeling like I had to completely change who I was around others just wasn't acceptable, but a lot of that was because he wasn't very affectionate privately either.

 

[Undomiel]

My ex was never affectionate with me in public, especially around his friends. But that only lasted a month. Enough said. My current boyfriend and I do show affection for each other, but nothing major. Just holding hands and stuff, which is fine by both of us. I don't like making out in public and I don't like seeing people make out in public.