Passive Aggression and its impact....

[SEVERUSMAX]

....some people think of "passive aggression" and "guilt trips" as harmless forms of manipulation. I disagree. It has a severe psychological impact on the victim on many cases. It often "rubs off" on children of parents who practice it.

My mother did this to me, as her mother did to her. Even though I am male, I inherited it as well as my sister. For all of my brother's faults, at least he didn't develop THAT bad habit (just a short fuse).

As the bumper sticker said, "My mother doesn't give guilt trips. She runs the travel agency."

I have made MY New Year's Resolution to AVOID using passive aggression and rely solely on pursuing directly what I want.

 

[Samandiriel]

People do things because of patterns, they develop them by learning what they see and if soon becomes what they know because it is normal to them.
It's up to you to see the pattern and break it or alter it.
Not always easy, but it can be done.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

People do things because of patterns, they develop them by learning what they see and if soon becomes what they know because it is normal to them.
It's up to you to see the pattern and break it or alter it.
Not always easy, but it can be done.

Exactly.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

My wife is the text book example of passive aggressive. I just ignore it which pisses her off even more.

 

[carsonshepherd]

No, my ex was the poster child for passive aggression. Guilt, manipulation, the whole nine; and I loved him so I fell for it, until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I'm so glad I'm away from that. Seeing the problem and admitting it means you can change. Most people don't even realize they're doing it and so they keep wondering why people always leave them...

 

[sweetnpetite]

My wife is the text book example of passive aggressive. I just ignore it which pisses her off even more.

Won't that just make her even *more* passive agressive?

Seems like it would be better to call her on it and tell her to either come out with what's bothering her or go away. In fact, if you ignore her, you run a very high risk of becoming passive agressive yourself.

PS- I am definatly passive agressive. But I'm working on it.

 

[coochie]

....some people think of "passive aggression" and "guilt trips" as harmless forms of manipulation. I disagree. It has a severe psychological impact on the victim on many cases. It often "rubs off" on children of parents who practice it.

My mother did this to me, as her mother did to her. Even though I am male, I inherited it as well as my sister. For all of my brother's faults, at least he didn't develop THAT bad habit (just a short fuse).

As the bumper sticker said, "My mother doesn't give guilt trips. She runs the travel agency."

I have made MY New Year's Resolution to AVOID using passive aggression and rely solely on pursuing directly what I want.

With some people, you are telling them how you feel and they use it to say that you are a selfish bitch and that you only think about yourself...it doesn't work for me I just try not to expect anything from anyone, so when they do something nice I am pleasantly surprised

 

[cantdog]

With some people, you are telling them how you feel and they use it to say that you are a selfish bitch and that you only think about yourself...it doesn't work for me I just try not to expect anything from anyone, so when they do something nice I am pleasantly surprised

coochie! one more post and you stop being a "virgin".

 

[coochie]

coochie! one more post and you stop being a "virgin".

*giggles* it was kind of cute being something I barely remember Thank you At least I had control over loosing my virginity this time

 

[cantdog]

No sweat.

 

[Wildcard Ky]

Won't that just make her even *more* passive agressive?

Seems like it would be better to call her on it and tell her to either come out with what's bothering her or go away. In fact, if you ignore her, you run a very high risk of becoming passive agressive yourself.

PS- I am definatly passive agressive. But I'm working on it.

I don't have to say anything. We've been together long enough that we can communicate without saying anything verbally. She gets in one of her moods, and I just roll my eyes and walk away. The message gets through loud and clear. In the same vein, she can communicate things to me about things that I'm wrong about without saying a word either.

 

[cloudy]

I am the queen of passive-aggressive in my marriage, and feel absolutely no shame about it whatsoever. In my current situation, it's the only way I have of dealing with it.

Normally, I'm totally upfront about things, as most here will attest, but in this one situation, it's the only way to be.

 

[sweetnpetite]

I am the queen of passive-aggressive in my marriage, and feel absolutely no shame about it whatsoever. In my current situation, it's the only way I have of dealing with it.

Normally, I'm totally upfront about things, as most here will attest, but in this one situation, it's the only way to be.

sometimes it's like that for sure.

 

[BlackShanglan]

*shrug* Passive aggression isn't always pleasant, but then neither is the non-passive variety. We all have ways of trying to get what we want; some of them are pleasant, reasoned, kind ways, and others are not. In my heart, I believe that generally the best way of getting what one wants is to be extremely charming to one's loved ones in order to bring out their best side. In practice, this can lead to a great deal of effort that doesn't always achieve the result one desires. Then one has more difficulty being charming, and all of the ugly little behaviors begin to come out.

I'm not sure what I'm saying. I don't know whether it's "nothing works" or "at times you can't have what you want, so why be unpleasant about it?" Or possibly "accustoming oneself to disappointment is a wise preparation for life in the wider world." Conceivably it might be "it's better to fail while attempting to live beautifully than to succeed in winning a vicious squabble over the sloptrough." I think it might be that last one. But one does fail at times.

Shanglan

(Goodness. You'd think I was well in my cups, and I haven't had a drop. I'm waxing pseudo-philosophical AND I nearly signed my own name.)

(Come to think of it, a glass of port would be just the thing.)

(Edited to add: A glass of port is indeed just the thing.)

 

[SummerMorning]

Passive aggression? Ooh. That's a nice one. That is. My mother likes that card. A lot.

There's no real effective solution, I guess. I try to tell her in reasoned tones, but it doesn't always work. Hell, I've had exes who were like that.

Dunno. I just try to avoid people on guilt trips. Usually I tell them what they're doing and that I'm not going to have anything much to do with them until they stop. If they don't stop I try to ignore them. If they still don't stop I try shouting. That doesn't usually work.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

It's manipulation - don't be manipulated.

We all have ways of trying to get what we want; some of them are pleasant, reasoned, kind ways, and others are not.

In my view there are three ways to get what you want: Honest trade, manipulation, and violence. Set aside the third. Passive-aggression, guilt trips, dishonesty, etc. are all examples of the second.

In some families children learn that the only way or the most effective way to get what they want is manipulation. They frequently carry this into adulthood, and in the most severe cases can't even imagine that any other way exists.

In my family both methods were possible. I only learned the distinction later, when it was pointed out to me by an S.O. that I was using manipulation. In my case this was not a huge character flaw, just a blind spot, and so once revealed was not difficult to fix.

In my life as a mature adult I have refused any relationship where I am manipulated. I am sufficiently self-contained that this choice is easy, but I know that for those with greater emotional needs it is not so easy.

A wise Objectivist philosopher I know offered this on a related matter, and it applies here:

"There are three ways to gain values from others: honest trade, robbing, or mooching. If you took the overall happiness, wealth, life satisfaction of these three groups, my bet is those who live by honest trade come out on top.

"Also, one's character will be consistent. You can either cultivate honest virtues and get along with people that way, or dishonest ones, which will necessarily always be creating problems for you and everyone around you. People obviously do it because they think it's easier, but they are ignorant of the quality of the life they could have been living. All that behavior is just childishness at an adult level, and no more effective."

What is "honest trade" in an emotional sense? Put the emphasis on the first word and you can usually figure it out. If two individuals communicate to each other with complete honesty and self knowledge what each wants, and what each is ready, willing and able to give in return, then it will be clear to both whether there is a basis for a mutually satisfactory "deal."

Oh, that sounds so easy, doesn't it! We know it is not - that little "full self knowledge" detail, for instance, is very difficult to attain. I may think I am able to offer certain emotional values, but after a while it becomes clear that I just don't have what it takes in that particular area. However, if both parties have dealt in good faith from the beginning, the "terms of the deal" can be adjusted over time, or the "contract" can be canceled, without the need for rancor or bitterness. If I did not know something about myself for no malicious reason, and "didn't know I didn't know," what are the grounds for bitterness from the other party? Sadness perhaps, and disappointment that they won't get what they wanted, but not bitterness.

If we are talking about a marriage with kids certain "contract terms" are not subject to revision - like that 18 year economic and emotional commitment to each child - but the terms of the "emotional trade" between the partners themselves can be revised.

Honesty and good faith are the keys, along with one other factor: Accepting reality. "Honesty" means being honest with yourself, too, which means not letting your needs and desires blind you to another person's faults and dishonesty, or willfully ignoring or denying those. "When someone shows you who they are (through some bad behavior), believe them." The clues are always there - always. If you refuse to see or believe that evidence, and you screw up your life as a result, your anger should be directed at yourself, not the other. You can change yourself, but not another person.

I know it's much harder than this makes it sound, but my advice to anyone involved in a "corrupt deal" is to get the hell out. It is never too late to adopt this method of living, but if you have already messed up your life with one or more such bad deals then "cleaning up the mess" will be a challenge. So be it - it's probably not an impossible challenge. Finding happiness in a corrupt emotional relationship is impossible.

Gosh, I didn't realize I was going to spill my guts to this extent! I hope somebody out there benefits from this. I am posting this as new thread as well.