Part one of my first story

[Zootonius]

Finally have the start of my first story out.

HE WANTED HER TO BE HAPPY PT. 01
https://www.literotica.com/s/he-wanted-her-to-be-happy-pt-01

It’s a father/daughter story that is a slow burn. And mostly takes place around a series of swingers parties.

I’d appreciate some feedback.

One thing I do know, I should have been more patient and ask for an editor. Despite all my own proofing I still see typos.

 

[MajorRewrite]

Yes, there are plenty of typos. I probably read through my stories 8 or 10 times before posting, and readers still catch mistakes. It happens.

Fortunately your story is fun and the plot is unusual. Dragging it out into lots of chapters is always a mistake, but with this setup you should be able to write 2 or 3 meaty chapters. I’m looking forward to it.

 

[Zootonius]

Yes, there are plenty of typos. I probably read through my stories 8 or 10 times before posting, and readers still catch mistakes. It happens.

Fortunately your story is fun and the plot is unusual. Dragging it out into lots of chapters is always a mistake, but with this setup you should be able to write 2 or 3 meaty chapters. I’m looking forward to it.

Thanks. Those typos will kill me. And thanks for seeing the that plot is different. I often found daddy/daughter stories a bit creepy and off putting. So I thought about how I’d do it. One sleepless night and I had a whole plot line I had to write. Funny how things happen.

I envision 4 chapters, with the middle two being shorter. As I think about it, 2 & 3 may merge, and it will be 3 chapters.

 

[Lifestyle66]

I'm in the process of reading the story. But when I reached the party rules at the door, I suspect you haven't been to a real swinger party.

1. Couples don't need to be married. Some even admit their spouse doesn't know they play, or that they are two singles pairing as a couple when playing with no questions asked.
2. Parties are either a BYOB and dish to share, or they'll ask for a "donation" if there's an open bar and food provided.
3. The rules are "No, means NO!" or "ask permission", a closed door means someone wants privacy, they might have a room designated where the door is to remain open at all times for group play and watching.
4. If a room such as master BR is off limits, then no one asks special permission. That's just rude.

If it's a couples only selective invite party, then it would probably be a BYOB and snacks/dish to share party. Larger area swinger groups holding parties would have a few well known members who do the vetting of newbies, not relying on one other newbie's name dropped at the door to enter. That would lead to eventual party crashers and drama swingers are trying to avoid.

 

[Lifestyle66]

OK, I made it through page two and realized you haven't been to a house party or nude resort.

Swingers don't question each other on whether they do those things with their spouse. There seems to be too much personal drama building among those other supposed experienced swingers. You don't fuck or play on the common area furniture, unless you first put down towels to park your bare ass on it, and it's there to catch your body fluids. (It would be extremely rude to drip cum on your host's cloth couch or carpet.)

And you never clean off IN a swimming pool or hot tub! The only place I've ever seen that was at a sleazy gay bar couples were using as a gathering place. No one would allow that at their home pool.

I'd recommend you ask an editor to review for spelling and grammar, and for reality checks to make it into a more realistic story. The plot is good. But it's these details which distract.

 

[Zootonius]

OK, I made it through page two and realized you haven't been to a house party or nude resort.

Swingers don't question each other on whether they do those things with their spouse. There seems to be too much personal drama building among those other supposed experienced swingers. You don't fuck or play on the common area furniture, unless you first put down towels to park your bare ass on it, and it's there to catch your body fluids. (It would be extremely rude to drip cum on your host's cloth couch or carpet.)

And you never clean off IN a swimming pool or hot tub! The only place I've ever seen that was at a sleazy gay bar couples were using as a gathering place. No one would allow that at their home pool.

I'd recommend you ask an editor to review for spelling and grammar, and for reality checks to make it into a more realistic story. The plot is good. But it's these details which distract.

Thanks for the honest review. You are quite right. But I viewed it as fantasy and didn't want to bog down in details. I could have mentioned covers on the furniture. As for grammar, yes, I've asked for an editor for part 2.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Thanks for the honest review. You are quite right. But I viewed it as fantasy and didn't want to bog down in details. I could have mentioned covers on the furniture. As for grammar, yes, I've asked for an editor for part 2.

It's the details which make a story.

If I write a military story describing the soldiers firing handguns with .50 cal bullets at a rate of 1,000 per minute, anyone who knows guns and the military would be immediately turned off.

It's not just about calling it fantasy. It's about impossibility which makes people roll their eyes and stop reading.

I've been listening to some audio books while traveling. The author is very descriptive. But, every time he refers to a .223 full auto assault rifle as a "machine gun", I cringe.

 

[8letters]

Thanks for the honest review. You are quite right. But I viewed it as fantasy and didn't want to bog down in details. I could have mentioned covers on the furniture. As for grammar, yes, I've asked for an editor for part 2.

The vast majority of people won't know these kind of details about swinging and will enjoy the story. But those that do will likely vote you down and leave a negative comment. And as a few percent of the people vote or leave a comment, those reacting negatively will have a big effect on your story.

 

[8letters]

You did a lot of things right - an interesting first scene and lots of dialog. You make the central idea - a casual friend invites the MMC to a swinging party - plausible.

On to the negatives. I felt like it was too fast and easy for them to sign up for the idea of attending the swinging party. Her telling him she liked group sex without much prompting was a little over the top. I'd think there'd be a lot more discussion of the ground rules such as not seeing each other naked or having sex. I would have preferred that you dig much further into the I/T aspects of them going somewhere together to have sex.

Janet is hugely important to the story, and yet she's barely in it. Why hasn't she wanted to have sex with her husband? From her small appearances, their marriage seemed dead. Which makes Elliott staying in it problematic.

As for the sex, none of it was incestuous. It was much more of a Group Sex story than an I/T story, and I like I/T stories and don't care for Group sex stories.

I hope that helps.

 

[Lifestyle66]

...As for the sex, none of it was incestuous. It was much more of a Group Sex story than an I/T story, and I like I/T stories and don't care for Group sex stories.....

I thought the same about them not having sex. But, he's effectively pimping his daughter out, so he can have sex with other women.

 

[8letters]

I thought the same about them not having sex. But, he's effectively pimping his daughter out, so he can have sex with other women.

I wouldn't say it's that way at all. She's in a dry spell and is looking for men to have sex with. She's using him as much as he's using her.

I've got a partially-written brother-sister story where they go to a swinger's resort for the weekend. From when they make the decision to go to the swinger's resort and until they get naked with someone else, I spend a lot of time discussing how they are going to handle the weekend. She doesn't feel comfortable going off on her own, so the plan is they stay together and have sex with other couples while not having sex themselves. There's awkwardness at first with them being naked together and watching the other have sex, but they soon move beyond it. To me, it keeps up the taboo nature of them swinging together even though they don't have sex (until the very end).

 

[RoperTrace]

You did a lot of things right - an interesting first scene and lots of dialog. You make the central idea - a casual friend invites the MMC to a swinging party - plausible.

On to the negatives. I felt like it was too fast and easy for them to sign up for the idea of attending the swinging party. Her telling him she liked group sex without much prompting was a little over the top. I'd think there'd be a lot more discussion of the ground rules such as not seeing each other naked or having sex. I would have preferred that you dig much further into the I/T aspects of them going somewhere together to have sex.

Janet is hugely important to the story, and yet she's barely in it. Why hasn't she wanted to have sex with her husband? From her small appearances, their marriage seemed dead. Which makes Elliott staying in it problematic.

As for the sex, none of it was incestuous. It was much more of a Group Sex story than an I/T story, and I like I/T stories and don't care for Group sex stories.

I hope that helps.

To me, that was the most believable part of this story. It happens a lot IRL. It just seemed like the initial setup happened too fast, but I know as a writer, we're sometimes anxious to get it going. Or else the boo birds come out to roost.