Parents not understanding.

[pollyjean]

So I’m 29 years old and just a little over a week ago I came out to my parents. I knew it would be a shock and expected them to be upset at first. My mom says it is my life that she does not agree with it. But I’m still her daughter. Now on the other hand my dad is extremely upset still and says he now has one less child. Meaning he does not consider me part of the family anymore. It saddens me very much. We have always been a real close family seeing each other at least 2 times a week.

But living a lie is worse.

Ok this is sort of a rant and also to ask for some help with a situation.
It has come down to my parents fighting every night my dad saying I’m no longer welcome in the house. With my mom getting really upset and saying if he does not like it leave. Now see I don’t want to be the reason they are fighting. It upsets me that they are getting hurt. I haven’t been over there sense, my mom has called and asked but I’m not sure I can deal with my dad.

So do I go over there and deal with my dads disapointed looks or him just going outside until I leave. And know that they will fight when I do leave. Or do I just stay away and tell my mom and siblings if they want to see me they have to come to my house.


Confused and hurt

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

First off: my condolences on your family's response. By asking about the best way to help heal the situation, you are being more mature and responsible than your father, that is for sure.

Now onto my opinion. I have had a few friends who came out to their families with results like yours. In almost every case, they decided to stay away from those who did not agree with their lifestyle choices. By giving those who did not approve distance from them, eventually the offended parties came round to see them...and the few who no longer contacted them were of the *extended family*...ie cousins etc.

I think by asking those who agree to love you regardless, to come to your house or another place to visit is just a nice way of dealing with the harshness of what your family is dealing with.
Yes, it is hard for you...but it is also difficult for THEM. You have had a long time to come to grips with your sexuality, give them the same time to get used to the idea.

By staying away from your dad and those who don't agree, you ae saving a lot of stress on your family and on yourself. Just take it one day at a time...

best of luck to you
lil girl

 

[Queersetti]

I agree with miss pet.

Your father is feeling hurt. Hopefully, he will come to the realization that he loves you and wants to be a part of your life.

But he can only do that for himself, no one else can do it for him, least of all, you. Every time you go over to the house, he is going to feel you are "pushing it" on him. Just seeing you raises all the issues of your sexuality in his mind before he is ready to deal with them. Let him come to you in his own time.

 

[pollyjean]

Thank you apet4you and Queersetti


Thank you for the advice. I think I will just give him time, I sure hope he at least comes around a little.



I understand that they are hurt also and that it is something that some people take a while to get use to. It just really hurts that he would say that he no longer considers me his daughter.

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

The advice you have is the best, and I can't add more.

I've learned in my own life that sometimes it's easier to love someone when your not around them where they can hurt you.

Tell your Mom you don't want to be a conflict in their home, and just let it rest, and be sure to thank her many, many times for her love and support.

My mom dis-inheirted me about four times in my life, but eventally forgave me for each thing. Each time it hurt both of us, and each time it was hard to come back together, but we did eventually, each time.

 

[pollyjean]

The advice you have is the best, and I can't add more.

I've learned in my own life that sometimes it's easier to love someone when your not around them where they can hurt you.

Tell your Mom you don't want to be a conflict in their home, and just let it rest, and be sure to thank her many, many times for her love and support.

My mom dis-inheirted me about four times in my life, but eventally forgave me for each thing. Each time it hurt both of us, and each time it was hard to come back together, but we did eventually, each time.

Thanks things are getting somewhat better. He still is not talking to me but my mom says he is coming around.

 

[pollyjean]

Ok it has been several months now, and I'm feeling a little down. Most likely because I'm a little drunk. I have a hard time dealing with feeling like I leave ExLuv out of things because she is not allowed over my parents house. Because my dad thinks I will convert my little sister. But my mother fought for me to still be able to come over. I miss them but I also love with all my heart Exluv ... I feel very torn, I know ExLuv and I will get threw this our love has to be stonger then all of this.

I'm pondering going over there and stateing that I will no longer go over there and visit them . If any of them want to see me they can come over here ....


Just some random thoughts sorry

 

[69forever]

Ok it has been several months now, and I'm feeling a little down. Most likely because I'm a little drunk. I have a hard time dealing with feeling like I leave ExLuv out of things because she is not allowed over my parents house. Because my dad thinks I will convert my little sister. But my mother fought for me to still be able to come over. I miss them but I also love with all my heart Exluv ... I feel very torn, I know ExLuv and I will get threw this our love has to be stonger then all of this.

I'm pondering going over there and stateing that I will no longer go over there and visit them . If any of them want to see me they can come over here ....


Just some random thoughts sorry

{{{{ PJ }}}}

Hon, you should not have to exclude your love from visits with your family...especially now that you have sworn formally to each other. I wouldn't make a big scene of it, but still let it be known that if EL isn't welcome there, they have to come to your house.

This cann't go on hurting the two of you like this...just my opinion.

 

[pollyjean]

.

 

[ExistentialLuv]

Ok it has been several months now, and I'm feeling a little down. Most likely because I'm a little drunk. I have a hard time dealing with feeling like I leave ExLuv out of things because she is not allowed over my parents house. Because my dad thinks I will convert my little sister. But my mother fought for me to still be able to come over. I miss them but I also love with all my heart Exluv ... I feel very torn, I know ExLuv and I will get threw this our love has to be stonger then all of this.

I'm pondering going over there and stateing that I will no longer go over there and visit them . If any of them want to see me they can come over here ....


Just some random thoughts sorry

PJ, please edit the post above. I was a dumbass and forgot to log U out before I posted. My words to you though are.....................



PJ, My Soulmate,

We talked of this before I saw this. I am not going to ask you to choose between our family and I (yes I still consider them my family). You know how I feel and I know how you feel... This is not going to tear us apart , even if I can never go over there. You are right, OUR LOVE IS STRONGER THAN THIS. Just something I have to work through. Rejection for myself is hard, but seeing you rejected is even harder for me. I did not mean to lie or decieve you about what was on my mind today(it was just not this). I did not want you to feel the pain I am feeling.

Like I told you, this brings up past memories of my step-dad and his rejection of me. Not that I should care considering what he did to me, But you know.....................

Anyways, our love is esoteric, true, unbelievable, inspiring, and pure. If this thing with your dad or anything else was going to break us up, it would have before now. I just never want to be blamed for them not seeing you as much as they use to, or for you to feel you have to choose between us. You do not have to on my part. I would never ask you to and it was wrong of me to ask you to stand up for me............ I appreciate your Mom accepting us and Me more than you know. At least she is honest and true to you, more than your father ever has been.


Forget what I said and just live how you want to with them. I can accept it even if it hurts. I just do not want you feeling like you did that one night, you know the one, again. For if you ever do I will give him a piece of my mind, Myself. You know me and know I will.


I love you more than anything I ever have my love. Even the pain I feel from this is worth ther LOVE I have with you. Do not let my tears and pain decide what you do. I can not handle that Guilt.

I love You, That is all that matters to me




__________________
Huked on foniks werkd fer me!


Click here for ExLuv's pics

 

[69forever]

NP if y'all want to talk, still up. ~hugs~

 

[Debbie]

Just a suggestion but maybe if you were close to your Dad before you came out? You could try and get some alone time with him.
And see if he will come around with some Daddy and pj time.

I hope he will see you are happy and get over his hangups.

 

[ExistentialLuv]

Just a suggestion but maybe if you were close to your Dad before you came out? You could try and get some alone time with him.
And see if he will come around with some Daddy and pj time.

I hope he will see you are happy and get over his hangups.

Thank you Debbie. That is all I really want, is for him to see how happy she really is

 

[Queersetti]

I think ultimatums and lines in the sand should be tactics of last resort, and you aren't anywhere near that point yet. You don't have to make a declaration that you won't go to your family's house, just don't go. They will get the message.

Time is your ally. It may take months, even years for your father to come around, and yes, there is the possibility that he never will. But the last thing you want to do is issue any sort of statement that he will feel challenges him to hold out, because if you do, that is exactly how he is likely to respond.

 

[Pookie]

I agree with Q. Be careful about stating absolutes and ultimatums with your family.

If your father doesn't want in his home, then just don't go. He'll eventually begin to think about how much he misses you, and maybe that his dislike of your sexual orientation isn't worth the loss of his daughter. Don't build any more walls between the two of you than you have to. Your father has to resolve all this for himself. No one else can do it for him. I truely believe his love for you will win out over his dislike though. It just may take time.

 

[april-wine]

I agree with the last few posts, telling someone DO THIS or else never works....But, personally I will not go where my girl isn't welcome....I'll call, say hello, whatever but if she isn't welcome, neither am I.....

 

[Bitchslapper]

Do you want my advice, pollyjean? You're not going to like it.

 

[GNelson]

Do you want my advice, pollyjean? You're not going to like it.

Wow.

 

[Bitchslapper]

Wow.

That's not my advice, GNelson, I'm still waiting for a response to the question

 

[Angel]

I agree with the last few posts, telling someone DO THIS or else never works....But, personally I will not go where my girl isn't welcome....I'll call, say hello, whatever but if she isn't welcome, neither am I.....

I agree, and I have done this before - In a STRAIGHT relationship.

I feel that If I have chosen someone as a part of my life, then my family should deal with it, even if they don't like it - IMHO. If they refuse to even try, then I guess I'd stay away.

I'd stay away, but I would still call, still invite to my own home and still keep the lines of communication open - but I would not leave my SO at home during family things while I went alone.

I know its hard and you have to deal with your own situation - and the best way for you may be different from mine.

 

[pollyjean]

Do you want my advice, pollyjean? You're not going to like it.

Sure I can handle your opinon, I don't have to like it or agree with it. But you are free to post what you would like.
No matter what you say it will not change how I have to deal with this and the pain it causes me.

I already don't like the situation so ...

 

[69forever]

I think ultimatums and lines in the sand should be tactics of last resort, and you aren't anywhere near that point yet. You don't have to make a declaration that you won't go to your family's house, just don't go. They will get the message.

Time is your ally. It may take months, even years for your father to come around, and yes, there is the possibility that he never will. But the last thing you want to do is issue any sort of statement that he will feel challenges him to hold out, because if you do, that is exactly how he is likely to respond.

As alway's, or mostly so, the voice of reason and reconciliation.

I got drawn up in the pain EL and PJ are feeling, along with other things that were spoke of. Passion is good, but sometimes it clouds judgement. I agree, time is your ally.

My love told me of how her sister had to deal with this with their parents. It was much the same. And time healed, and eventually led to acceptance. Because they saw the joy and fulfillment of their child, in love and at peace, with who they were.

 

[Etoile]

If this were my situation, I wouldn't go over to my parents' house. I'm not sure I'd insist they'd come over to mine instead, but I might suggest it and then let them be the one to decide if they can handle it.

The fact is, you're gay. You have a partner. IT's not that they can't accept EL...they're not accepting you and who you are. They figure if they don't see your partner, they can pretend to themselves that you're not really gay, or that maybe you can be reformed, or something.

I wish you luck.

 

[ExistentialLuv]

I am so serious about having an intervention with your father and a group from P-Flag.

 

[Bitchslapper]

Sure I can handle your opinon, I don't have to like it or agree with it. But you are free to post what you would like.
No matter what you say it will not change how I have to deal with this and the pain it causes me.

I already don't like the situation so ...

IMO, you shouldn't have told your parents.