Parenting : what if you can't do it ?

[PredatorSmile]

I have known Joan for many years. She's a lady who lives next door to me. She's around 40, a tall female ex-firefighter turned mechanic whom everybody in the neighborhood assumes is a dyke but she's actually straight, just very tomboyish ! Joan has married her lontime boyfriend, a young African who is in his late 20s, if you can believe that. Anyway, they recently had twins, a boy and a girl. Joan is a lot like me. She's got mostly male friends, does a "manly job" and all that. She never wore dresses.
She's a good friend of my dad and one of the best friends I've ever had.
In fact, she's the closest thing to a mother i've ever had, though she was more "sisterly" toward me.


In a month, I will graduate college with a bachelors degree in business administration. I am already looking for a new place, though for some time I will move back in with my father and brothers. My boyfriend still has
a year of college left. He's into criminal justice, which is a tough field but fairly easy to find work in ( we always need new police and corrections officers). We plan to marry someday, when we're ready and also, financially secure.



Now, watching Joan with her hubby and new babies, I was in awe. Joan is the most masculine woman, I know ( I should know, I hang out with butch girls at the GLBT meetings) and yet she was so tender with her kids and hubby.

I'm not very good around children, and I can still count on one hand the amount of times I've put on a dress.


Does that mean that if/when the time comes, I'll make an awful mother ?

 

[Recidiva]

I couldn't imagine what I would be like as a mother.

It's really something you can't predict...hormonal tides being what they are.

If you choose to be a good parent, you will be.

 

[rcuhljr]

Can you love someone unconditionally? Because in the end thats about all it comes down to. Scares me just thinking of having kids

 

[Wolfman1982]

Does that mean that if/when the time comes, I'll make an awful mother ?

No of course not, if you want children, then it won´t have something to do with that.

as rcuhljr said, it is all down to love someone unconditionally. And that means loving your husband, and loving your children, and remember you can always divorce your husband but having children is a life time commitment.

And I would really like to have children some day... and now I have just gotten a flashback to something personal.... damn

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I am a mommy..and though I don't believe I am a very good one..most of my friends (and my kidlets) tend to disagree. When/if you have children...you will learn 2 things:

1) You must love your child unconditionally.
2) You are only human and inclined to make mistakes.

Don't worry about whether or not you will be a good parent...instead worry about whether or not you have the time, energy and drive to devote to your child without feeling put out. If and when the time comes..if you can answer yes to the second query..then you have good parenting in the bag!

 

[DrDon]

There are no manuals to being a parent. Just follow your heart and your instincts. There is trial and error when it comes to parenting. No one is perfect. Do you best, show them you love them and everything will fall into place.

 

[Chicklet]

There are no manuals to being a parent.

actually, i think there're thousands of manuals to being a parent dr spock for instance!


but seriously, I agree that it's a lot about following your instinct and your own emotions. The number of people who "aren't cut out to be parents" are extremely few - it's something that's embedded in our make-up, even if we don't realize it's there. Just like the animals, frankly.

I think you'll surprise yourself with your parenting abilities.

--

side note.

My mom constantly, in states of depression (which are coming more quickly now with her menopause) calls me crying and apologizing for her "bad parenting" - she keeps repeating to me "i just didn't know how to be a mom."

It's my opinion that no one KNOWS how to be a mom. They just ARE. I think she did a fantastic job, and I keep telling her that. No one quite knows what they're getting in to when they have their first child. Even people who've taken care of babies before... I think it's a brand new experience for everyone at one point.

 

[gingermango]

Parenting is tough and there are as many ways to be a good parent as there are to be a bad parent. There's a ton of pressure - mostly from yourself and mostly brought about by fear of doing something "wrong." There's also pressure from folks who AREN'T parents but who still think they should be allowed to tell you how to raise your kids, and from other parents who think everyone should do it they way they do it.

If you are capable of loving them, of doing the hard things over the short term to make them into better people over the long term (e.g., limits on foods, bed times, behavior), and you can tough it out through 18 years of vomiting, pooping and peeing, skinned knees, broken hearts and bad hair days (yes, I have two daughters among my three!), then you too can be a parent.

Seriously, there are TONS of books on "how to" but as long as you feel the love in your heart, the rest can be figured out. Being gay, straight or bi has not one thing in the world to do with it, either, nor whether you like wearing dresses (I do, even though I may not do it in public ).

 

[sax_player41]

From what I've been told, everyone questions their ability to be a parent before they actually are a parent. Most say it just comes naturally. Just remember that you know the difference between right and wrong, and you'll do just fine.

 

[chun_gong]

Now, watching Joan with her hubby and new babies, I was in awe. Joan is the most masculine woman, I know ( I should know, I hang out with butch girls at the GLBT meetings) and yet she was so tender with her kids and hubby.

I'm not very good around children, and I can still count on one hand the amount of times I've put on a dress.


Does that mean that if/when the time comes, I'll make an awful mother ?

I don't have children, but it appears that everyone has great advice - particularly regarding unconditional love. In Joan, you also seem to have a good example set for the kind of parent you wish to be.

As far as being 'good with children' - guess that depends on what you mean. As long as you don't HATE them (lol) then everything else will work itself out.

(Sorry, I'm crabby - just had surgery, so please don't take offense. SURELY I have missed something here...)
What does being masculine vs feminine have to do with being a good mom? I'm not sure what clothing has to do with it either. My frame of reference on these issues would be MY close friends. They (f/f & m/f) are all great parents, not tied to gender stereotypes or clothes. That part just doesn't matter.

Anyway, good luck with your bf, don't worry about mommiehood - you'll make the most of it as long as you love your child.