Parental Influences on BDSM Development

[Krinaia]

Okay, last night I had an interesting conversation with one of our fellow Lit Bdsmers and I made several comments refering to my family.

It got me to thinking ... my mother is so dominant. She definitely wears the pants in the family. She and I were almost constantly at each other's throats by the time I hit puberty. I quickly learned how to say exactly what she wanted to hear, then swallow my pride and apologize - mostly in order for her to leave me alone for ten minutes! Geez. But in away, this skill is very helpful as a submissive.

I decided to poll the rest of you to see what the consensus is. I'm sorry if there aren't enough choices... just let us know your take!

 

[catalina_francisco]

This one is difficult for me to decide where and to what extent the influences were in my family background. My mother is a strong and dominant person, while my father is the stereotypical hen pecked husband who rarely says 'boo', and when he does tends to do so as an over reaction to the years of being dominated and ridiculed. For me, I have drawn a lot of influence from my mother's strength, though I have shaped it to be more platable to me. Her dominance left me cold, though never subdued me, our battles being well remembered by all in the family right up to recent days. My father's submission I far from admired, and at times pitied him for his lack of strength and drive to withstand her onslaught....but then that is who he is, a quiet man who does not care for friction or conflict hich is what I do admire.

Funny thing is, despite my mother and I often being at opposing poles on many issues, she herself says I am the one out of all her children she admires most, trusts most, feels most comfortable with, and respects. It has been particularly difficult for her to deal with my move overseas, and she is feeling increasing pressure to give in to both my sisters and their set ideas of how my parents should live their lives now. I was touched when we were speaking on the phone this week and she commented on how grateful she was that I had always been there for them, and had only ever done what they asked, sometimes offering my opinion of options available to them but never pressing those options onto them.

So how does this get me to a place where submission is my choice? I have theories on it, the most prevelent being that my strength has been the enabling factor. My life has shown me I can now submit without fear of losing that part of me which formulates who I am and what I stand for, and also that strength will continue to get me through the rougher moments just as it has in the vanilla world. I look forward to seeing if I prove this theory correct over the test of time and circumstances. I guess really looking at it in this poll, I have combined the adapted strength of my mother, and the adapted submission of my father to make me who I am....a submissive/slave with her own strength with which to serve her Master to the best of her ability.

Catalina

 

[Krinaia]

Thanks for your contribution I've got some theories on how the voting will go if there is good turnout.

My dad wasn't submissive so much as nuetral. He often had to tear me and my mom apart and make us sit in opposite corners and talk things through. She always won. But sometimes he helped me get heard. I respect her. But I tend to think she feels I'm a knuckle head who will never be able to take care of myself. We recently had a fight over the fact she's been opening my mail and had my younger brother read a piece over the phone to me about something i messed up with. I got so mad, I ended the conversation and hung up. I called back tonight and I told her I thought she was out of bounds and disrespecting my privacy. I doubt my mom would ever come to me for advice or help. Unless of course she needs someone to pick sticks or dog shit up in the back yard. Sigh.

My brother leaves for college in a year ... I'm not sure how Dad will handle her at that point. Lol. See there it is - the more submissive of my parents handling the control freak dominant one. Maybe watching that sort of interaction taught me I could submit without giving up control completely. I always have the power to say no.

 

[Netzach]

Dominant, single parent household, no apparent Dominant role models at home, great respect for the authority of my teachers, and I thrived in the structure of school, was NOT a rulebreaker there and really quite happy to submit to that institutional authority. I want to go back into academia, interestingly enough.

 

[SierraMoon]

i am submissive, and my Mom is definitely the dominant one. i honestly don't know what my Dad would do without her. She picks out his clothes, tells him what to do and pretty much berates him, if he tries to speak up. He doesn't even know how to write out a check, because she's always done everything...

 

[Krinaia]

When I read your post Sierra - it reminded me sadly of a case I saw on "Divorce Court" - as horrible as that sounds. It wasn't Judge Judy but some other female judge and man did come down on that woman. I miss having real cable. Sigh.

My dad has his own checkbook by mom does the finances. And she's constantly having to curb his music related expenses. She did however let him go to uhm .. music camp. Oh god, my dad is 12.

Do you think your mom being the way she is influenced your development as a submissive? Or is it more innate then that? I know my love of bondage is innate but I don't know if my submissiveness is such a part of me.

 

[Netzach]

I don't find the fact that mom and dad dominant subs seem to be almost equal in number surprising.

Let's face it, a lot of our pre-sexual sexuality programming and attachment *is* to Mom whether we are lesbians or straight as the day is long.

I read a really interesting analysis of Romance novels once, that examined the heroes in them. A lot of the qualities in these characters were actually parallel to "mom" qualities. When we want escape, nurturance, and security, it's often Mom (the archetype, not necessarily the person) that we are looking for.

so...Dom=Mom? Who knew.

 

[hurtme]

I consider myself to be a switch, with subbie tendencies...I think if my parents had to be classified, they would be switches...I have seen my mother be dominant to the point where she pushed my father down the stairs and broke his leg, and I have seen her cow to my father when he was upset, and I have also seen my father slam her agianst the wall and do unmentionable things to her, and I have seen him cow to her when she was in a rage...although my father left when I was 13, so I really didn't get to see how it all turned out from the eyes of an older child...

 

[catalina_francisco]

Came across this today and thought others might see the humour in it....

 

[BlueSugar]

I'm female, submissive, dad was submissive, mom was dominant.

Dad was also hospitalized alot and has a few brain disorders...so I suppose I don't count... or as good as being raised by one parent (or by myeslf bc mom was always preoccupied with him or my younger sibs.)

 

[esclave_PP]

OMG Catalina that is hilarious! My seven year old is a dom to be for sure, I call him the mini-master. He's encouragible.

 

[Krinaia]

a little more of the male population here at Lit bdsm needs to come in and voice their opinions!

not to say i haven't enjoyed all the votes from you lovely ladies - well and the one male who has so far voted!

Really, I personally think the poll isn't in depth enough to truly answer my questions which are related to genetics vs. environment. If it weren't for that entire nasty bit about medical nonsense, I'd have gone into psychology.

If I wasn't so tired I'd share some of the queestions I wish I could have added into the post ... tell you guys what, if you think of questions that could better the thoughtful inquiry of this poll, go ahead and share 'em, in the mean time I will sleep on it

 

[Never]

What I have learned from the poll: There are many female submissives on this forum.

 

[catalina_francisco]

What I have learned from the poll: There are many female submissives on this forum.

..and many silent observent male Dominants.

C

 

[Krinaia]

lol


I think the poll would be much more interesting if we could ask the females who have voted who they had the better relationship with ... their dominant or submissive parent and then compare it with their own bdsm role

I wish I could have included switches. Sorry to all you switches out there that I forgot to give an option to!

 

[hurtme]

*sigh* its ok that you forgot about the switches...there are already enough options as it is, you wouldn't want to confuse us now would you? As for the other thing, I had (and have) shitty relationships with both my parents, I actually still speak to my mother (although if I never spoke to her again it wouldn't kill me) so I guess I get along with her better, but its more just for the sake of keeping up appearances (for her) that we have a relationship at all...

 

[Krinaia]

I'm sorry to hear that hurtme. Your earlier post left me feeling the same but I didn't know what I could say. There are some people who should never be allowed to have children and perhaps your parents were these. At least they gave the world you I have enjoyed your postings.

My mother and I don't always agree and sometimes I quite dislike her but I always respect her and love her still. I just wish she wasn't such an unbendable pain in the ass.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

I'll post to clarify my vote.

I'm male. I'm Dominant. My parents divorced when I was young and I was raised by my mom. I'm sure the psychologists could come up with many theories as to why.

Now I go back to being a silent lurking Dom

 

[Justina123]

I'm a female submissive but I can't answer your poll. I think my parents came about as close to "equal" in their relationship as is possible. Both were strong willed and had clearly defined roles, both worked, they butted heads sometimes, but I don't see how I could call either dominant or submissive.

- justina

 

[hurtme]

well, thanks skyline...but honestly, its not a big deal, I am great at rolling with the punches so to speak. Also, I could have had thigns a lot worse. My parents didn't really beat me, I always had a roof over my head (even if they did make me feel guilty for it, till I was 16 and left home anyway) and even though sometimes we would eat nothing but ramen noodles for weeks at a time cause we didn't have money (cause it would get spent on drugs and beer) I never went hungry. However my parents (particularly my mother) they are artists in the field of mental torture...but...ah well, such is life...I try to be honest about my childhood without being negative, after all, its all a learning experience...

 

[MartinConteggio]

Women's responses are quite evenly spread; very interesting results.

Thought I believe most psychologists would agree that the quality of the relationship with the submissive or dominant parent, as well as the gender identification of the child is what is really important.

If the poll is ever reintroduced I'd recommend options like:

Hetero-Female submissive, with a strong relationship with a dominant Father.
Hetero-Female submissive, with a strong relationship with a submissive Mother.
Hetero-Female submissive, with a strong relationship with a dominant Mother.
Hetero-Female submissive, with a strong relationship with a submissive Father.

Hetero-Female dominant, with a strong relationship with a dominant Father.
Hetero-Female dominant, with a strong relationship with a submissive Mother.
Hetero-Female dominant, with a strong relationship with a dominant Mother.
Hetero-Female dominant, with a strong relationship with a submissive Father.

Bi-Female submissive, with a strong relationship with a dominant Father.
Bi-Female submissive, with a strong relationship with a submissive Mother.
etc...


The inclusion of switches might also be revealing, but by removing that option switches who lean in one direction will chose that rather than a pseudo-neutral.

I am not a psychologist though, so don't take my word for it!

 

[BlueSugar]

I'll post to clarify my vote.

I'm male. I'm Dominant. My parents divorced when I was young and I was raised by my mom. I'm sure the psychologists could come up with many theories as to why.

Now I go back to being a silent lurking Dom

yeah...freud did... its because you want to kill your father and marry your mother. Oedipus complex.

:: giggles:: oi. good 'ol father of psych.

 

[ishot84]

My older sister used to spank us

My older sister used to spank us as did a girlfriend of hers who lived next door. My mother used to tell them to do it, to OK what they did for the most part, but if my mother was not home she had authority to spank my brothers and me on her own. She never spanked very hard but she did spank often. By the time I was 10 I was a confirmed spanko, and all through puberty and beyond I would actually try to act badly so she would spank me, which she did. My brothers did not however and as far as I know I was the only one who got turned on by it. She spanked me well into my teens and after she finished nursing school. I used to masturbate often afterwards and usually got an erection when she spanked me.

I have often wondered what my sexuality would be like if she had not spanked me so often. I really don't know if she bent the twig or if it was born bent.

 

[Princessintrng]

None of the choices really fit

My father was most definately in charge and the dominant parent, where the children were concerned, but my mom totally ran my dad. So I guess as parents mom was more submissive, dad made the rules, doled out punishment and basically kept us kids in line. Mom however, kept dad in line

 

[serijules]

I don't really think of other people as dominant or submissive unless they outwardly SAY their personality is such. In my life, I am both, I think both roles exist strongly in every person, one just is more noticable than the other depending on circumstances or the person themselves. I am dominant in my business and financial life, but I am submissive to the point of being walked all over in my marriage, emotionally. My mom is a very forward, in charge woman, but she is much the same way, easy to manipulate in the way of emotional involvement. My father is quiet and will let unimportant things slide without comment, but is very opinionated about the things that are important to him and likes things his way or no way.

Some people may choose to only show you their dominant side or their submissive side, so I feel it is unreliable to say someone has a dominant or submissive personality unless you have actually discussed the topic with them. I think most people that meet me would say I have a submissive personality, and I tend to agree, but there are very very dominant sides of that personality that if I cared to share them or act on them, would likely change that opinion. However, I am more comfortable with my submissive nature, so that is what I openly express. In my current marriage, I let my husband take advantage of me for various personal reasons, yet in other relationships with both men and women, I have always been very forward about my needs and expectations, and if they are not met in a reasonable way, I don't put up with it. It is all about circumstance and environment.

Anyhow, I am going to ignore the rest of the main post/poll for a moment and just answer the question posed in the topic itself. Disicpline is a huge factor for me, it is a thrill, a need, a desire, a want, a fear...all rolled into one. I would say that this is VERY largely a result of parental influence. I had a happy childhood and I still have a wonderful relationship with my parents, however I had no discipline. Even when I did the most outrageous things, somehow I got away with it always being someone elses fault even when I confessed there WAS no other involvement but myself. Somewhere along the lines early on, I developed a fascination with discipline and as an adult now, without someone in my life to give me that discipline, I find myself resorting to the childish excuse of "it is someone else's fault" that my parents and any other authority figures in my life seemed so fond of, and not taking responsibility for my own actions because someone else always did that for me. Having a strong dominant in my life helps me keep that under control, and I really florish under that kind of authority. It was the lack of such my whole life which resulted in it being a need that, once I had the understanding to control it myself by seeking it out, became very much a part of who I am and the roles I am most comfortable in.

Just my thoughts on the matter, interesting topic with many many different branches of thought.

*edited to clarify a few things and remove a bunch of senseless commas*