Pachyderm Poo Poo

[MathGirl]

I recently went to the zoo in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. I was fortunate to be in the right place at the right time, and I witnessed what I consider to be one of nature's true miracles.

Has anyone else here ever seen a hippopotamus have a bowel movement?

DG

Ps. Not sure? Believe me, you would remember it if you'd ever seen it. It's not something one would forget.

 

[Chicklet]

that sounds truly spectacular, but i have not been for fortunate as to have witnessed one.

 

[MathGirl]

Dear Chickie,
I'll compose a detailed description when I have time. One does not want to give such a spectacular event a less than eloquent description.
MG

 

[oggbashan]

Mud, Mud, Glorious Mud ...

Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood;
So follow me, follow, down to the hollow,
And there we will wallow in G-lor-i-ous MUD!

Flanders and Swann: The Hippopotamus Song.

Their bowel movements are rarely seen because they do it in the water.

Did you know that hippos kill more tourists than lions do?

It must be the smell.

Og

 

[pop_54]

Hmmmmmmm

Dunno about that, but a circus Elephant had a surprise BM on a local road last week, the police advised motorists to treat it as a traffic island until it was cleared.

 

[Gabriel_Lee]

Originally posted by MathGirl
I'll compose a detailed description when I have time. One does not want to give such a spectacular event a less than eloquent description.

A hippo shit.
It seems there may be more to it!
Although it may be indiscrete to probe,
Did it use a garderobe?

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Mud, Mud, Glorious Mud ...

Their bowel movements are rarely seen because they do it in the water.

Not all the time. Believe me.
MG

 

[MathGirl]

The Hippopotamus Bowel Movement-Chapter 1

It was at the pachyderm house at the zoo. A huge building where they keep huge animals having huge skin. The ceiling was about forty feet high. The hippopotami were hanging out like they usually do; mostly sub aqua, with their mouths open and huge in case some kid wanted to toss something edible in there.

Finally, this critter heaved itself slowly out of the water onto dry land. It was about the size of a delivery van with four flat tires and rounded at the edges. Its color was an unrelieved gray, and it was extremely PACHY. Boy, was that thing ever pachy! It was so pachy that I'm sure it weighed a lot more more than the aforementioned delivery van. After all, delivery vans have lots of empty space in there which weighs hardly anything. Hippeaux, on the other hand, are not known for having cargo holds or other varieties of void.

The only noticeable topographic features consisted of two tiny ears, dorsal and towards the anterior extremity. Those ears looked incongrous on that monster. It's like the Creator finished the hippo and thought, "Damn, forgot the ears. Well, I have these ears left over from that Lesser Horned Dingbat project that never worked out. They'll have to do."

The hippo grunted mightily a few times then turned its back to myself and the few other spectators on hand. I was presented a view of what must be one of the larger asses in the animal kingdom. It must have been six feet wide, wet from the recent immersion in water, and extremely ...... well, assy. Atop this monumental derriere was a little tail with a silly looking tuft of hair on the end. The tail looked small, but that's only because it was attached so something as brobdingnagian as that hippo. It was probably more than a foot long and as big around as my arm, but it looked small and silly adorning the dorsoposterior aspect of that leviathan.

Chapter 2 (The Big Event) will appear shortly.

 

[Guest]

I recently went to the zoo in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. I was fortunate to be in the right place at the right time, and I witnessed what I consider to be one of nature's true miracles.

Has anyone else here ever seen a hippopotamus have a bowel movement?

DG

Ps. Not sure? Believe me, you would remember it if you'd ever seen it. It's not something one would forget.

_______

A rhino dump is pretty impressive too.

 

[MathGirl]

The Hippopotamus Bowel Movement-Chapter 2

Well, there I was, staring at the mountainous backside of that hippopotamus. I was beginning to think that the act of arising from the water and standing on dry ground was all the creature did for the afternoon show. I was thinking of wandering over to the other side of the Pachyderm House to check out the elephants. It's a good thing I hung around for a while, though, because what happened next was worth the price of admission.

Remember that little tail with the tuft of hair that I mentioned in Chapter 1. Well, I didn't put that in there just for general interest. In fact, that tail became a major player in the drama that was about to unfold.

First, the tail stiffened and stuck straight out from the butt of that hippo. Then it started to slowly rotate. The spin was about a horizontal axis, meaning that it looked sort of like a slow moving propeller attached to the backside of the animal.

As the tail kept rotating faster and faster, I couldn't see any reason for it to be doing so. The only thing that came to mind was that it might be using it to fan up some breeze for cooling the rather large, gray anus which was mounted immediately below. The rotational period of that whirling appendage finally leveled off at approximately 100 rpm, a gray blur. This is only a guess, of course, but I considered it quite a feat for an animal so large to get any portion of its anatomy up to a speed like that.

As I moved closer for a better look, that huge anus unpuckered, opened, and there was a low whooshing noise as gas was expelled.

At this point, it may be wise to point out that hippos are herbivores. As such, they have a very large percentage of bulk in their diet. This bulk consists of undigestible portions of plants such as stems, branches, and leaves. In the zoo environment, this is supplemented by peanuts, ice cream, paper cups, etc. which are thrown into their open mouths by small boys. Suffice it to say that your basic hippo seldom needs fiber supplements, and the amount of bulk in its diet provides for fecal matter on a heroic scale.

As I watched in fascination, a turd of approximately five pounds was forcibly expelled from that big gray anus, directly into the path of that whirling tail. With a 'ffrrruuuttttterrrrmmmmppppp' sound, the spinning tail finely divided that wad of dung and hurled it in all directions. Since the tail was spinning in a vertical plane, the dung was flung in a correspondingly vertical spray pattern. E.g. in all directions except towards the main bulk of the hippo or backwards to where I was standing. I thought this to be fortunate.

This process continued, in units of five to ten pounds, until something on the order of 100 pounds of hippo dung had been slung over an area about eighty feet across. The effluent never reached that 40 foot ceiling, but it didn't miss by much.

The much relieved pachyderm turned, gave a mighty yawn, returned to the water, and sank out of sight. It occured to me that the entire performance was a statement by the hippo of what he thought of the spectators in particular and humankind in general.

The only spectators remaining nearby were myself and a group of 7-12 year old boys. The girls and more fastidious adults had retreated to the other end of the building. During the performance, the boys cheered the animal on with, "Whoa, cool." "Wow." "Go for it, hippo."

When it was over, and boys and I knew we had witnessed something unusual and wonderful. We were so fortunate to be in the right place at the right time for a once in a lifetime event. I wished I could have seen it when I was in junior high so I could have written an essay about it for Sister Roberta.

MG

 

[Guest]

brobdingnagiana

MG: nice piece; obviously respectfully and affectionately written. See below on hippo dung. - Pear

Territorial Advertising

Dung-showering on middens: bull backs up to heap, simultaneously urinates and defecates backward, meanwhile paddling excrement with its tail. Performed by bulls on land, especially along trails near water. Excrement of adult males is smelly and interesting to other hippos.

Mutual dung-showering in the water. Frequent at territorial boundary. Males approach and stare at one another, then turn tail, elevate rumps, and let fly, afterward withdrawing.
Herding and chasing females and males. Prerogative of breeding males.

Wheeze-honking. Vocal advertising, probably not limited to territorial males. Resonant grunts and wheezes make hippo among noisiest African animals (but away from water hippos rarely call).

http://www.nature-wildlife.com/hipptxt.htm

 

[MathGirl]

Huggy hippos

Dear Perd,
Those hippeaux are romantic devils, aren't they?
MG

 

[Patience_Bryce]

thanks!

What can I say but...thank you! Halfway through I started to laugh and it continued to the very - end. Very entertaining to read this morning.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[oggbashan]

Poetry, pure poetry

Congratulations, MathGirl, on a fine piece of observation and accurate descriptive writing.

One could almost be there, not that one would want to be, but the word picture was perfect. Now for the audio version followed by smellyvision and you'd head the charts.

Og

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Poetry, pure poetry

One could almost be there, not that one would want to be, but the word picture was perfect.

Oh, you would want to be. It was a once in a lifetime experience. I asked a guy who worked there if it happened very often. He said the hippos do that sort of thing once in a while, but the one I saw was special. He said he'd worked there for years, and it was one of the all time best for volume and range in a solo performance.

The attendant said the highlight of his career had been last year when two bull hippos arranged themselves back to back and performed a duet. Much like Perdita described. Since they were standing sideways to the audience, much of the effluent was slung out into the building where the zoo goers stand. After it was over, they had to close the building to the public for the day and use shovels, brooms, and high pressure hoses to clean the place up. Gosh, if I could only have been there for that performance.

Next time I go to the zoo, I'm just going to hang out at the Pachyderm House with my video camera.

MG

 

[Guest]

Re: Poetry, pure poetry

Mathematika Gurl: I am dreaming of Hippeaux verses, of brobdingnagian weight. O, so much to write, so little time...

Next time I visit the SF zoo I will also go to the pach-house (and if I see a bigass femme w/a vid-cam...)

Purd*

*appropriately onomotopoeeahcley enough

 

[redrider4u]

Re: Re: Poetry, pure poetry

Oh, you would want to be. It was a once in a lifetime experience. I asked a guy who worked there if it happened very often. He said the hippos do that sort of thing once in a while, but the one I saw was special. He said he'd worked there for years, and it was one of the all time best for volume and range in a solo performance.

The attendant said the highlight of his career had been last year when two bull hippos arranged themselves back to back and performed a duet. Much like Perdita described. Since they were standing sideways to the audience, much of the effluent was slung out into the building where the zoo goers stand. After it was over, they had to close the building to the public for the day and use shovels, brooms, and high pressure hoses to clean the place up. Gosh, if I could only have been there for that performance.

Next time I go to the zoo, I'm just going to hang out at the Pachyderm House with my video camera.

MG

Thanks for report. I did not realize we had reporters embedded in the Pachyderm House. If only there had been a video. For me, all other events today will be down hill. Should the story be entitled "Birth of a Turd," or, "Death of a Turd?" Perhaps, "A Turd for the Worst." Carry on MG, you make us proud!

 

[Octavian]

If only....

Now if Math Girl was Math Boy, the title would have been obvious.
Cue for the zither...doodle oodle oo de doo

The Turd Man

Octavian

 

[Guest]

Re: If only....

The Turd Man

Bravo, Rosencav! The scene could be moved to Wien and get very dirty. - Perdita

 

[oggbashan]

Where did it put it?

There's a zither around here somewhere.

Oh, never mind. I've found the 78rpm recording of Anton Karas. That will have to do.

Og

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Poor hippo! I think all of you zoo-visitors were very rude to him. Basic politeness require that you turn away when an animal is taking a dump, so you won't make him feel embarrassed.

Svenskaflicka
Animal Rights Activist

 

[Guest]

Re: Where did it put it?

There's a zither around here somewhere. Oh, never mind. I've found the 78rpm recording of Anton Karas. That will have to do.

I luvvvvvvvv you, Og. Zither, 78s, the luscious-when-young-and-slim Orson. I must tell you a funny in-joke.

When I first visited my brother (who moved to Wien from Tokyo several years ago), he took me walking about the Ringstrasse at twilight and I remarked that I felt as if I were on a movie set. He pointed to a spot on the ground and said, "This is where Orson Welles died." I was dumbfounded and said, "No, really?" Then I knew he meant Harry Lyme. It was a lovely sibling moment.

Perdita

 

[oggbashan]

Lime not Lyme

Harry Lime, not Lyme.

Lyme is part of the name of an English resort Lyme Regis.

"Regis" = of the King.

Bognor Regis was where King Edward VII was supposed to go to convalesce. When he was dying his reported last words were:

"How goes the Empire".

His apparent last words were in response to his doctor's suggestion that he might be well enough to visit Bognor Regis.

"Bugger Bognor!"

Og

 

[MathGirl]

Wiener, wiener on the wall..........

Bravo, Rosencav! The scene could be moved to Wien and get very dirty. - Perdita

Wien. Isn't that where they make that schnitzulle stuff? Weenies? Vienna sausages? Oops, wrong town.
MG

Ps. Over here we have to make do with Lyme Disease and Regis Philbin. Gag

 

[MathGirl]

Public performance

Poor hippo! I think all of you zoo-visitors were very rude to him. Basic politeness require that you turn away when an animal is taking a dump, so you won't make him feel embarrassed.

Dear Swede,
I hardly think the hippo was wanting privacy at that time. He would hardly have performed with such elan and joie de vivre if he had not been playing to an audience.
MG