Oww. :-(

[Tebazile]

My S/o and I have been slowing working into full-fledged anal for awhile, now. He started with a finger, then two, and then a small anal plug. And on my own, I've used the small anal plug numerous times, and a fairly decent sized one a few times as well.

Tonight was going to be the night. We've gotten his head in before, but I was overwhelmed with the need to use the bathroom (which I understand is totally normal), and I've always asked him to stop. He was instructed not to stop tonight. I was convinced that if he got in and out a couple of times, I'd be okay.

So, with the aid of lube, he went in. Slowly, but surely. And he was maybe halfway in when the pain got to me. Burning hot pain like I've never felt before, and I've been dry raped, okay? I ran to the bathroom, and I was bleeding. Not crazy kinds of blood, but still enough to cause concern, as I've never bled from anal type things before.

My S/o says that some people just can't handle anal. But that's crazy! I can handle butt plugs and fingers, and I can stretch around the head of his dick, but that's it? No way. I like the idea too much to settle for that. Anal porn and stories are my favorite. And anal is a HUGE deal to him.

While I've been assured that he's not going to leave me if I can't ever go "all the way" with this, I want to please him in any way he needs, you know? And I want to do this for me, too.

Am I doing something wrong? Is there anything else I can do to train or stretch myself?

 

[LizKitten]

So, this was helpful for me, but I can't make any promises for you-- Orgasm before you try anal. Your entire body is relaxed, and for some reason, it -feels- better. ^^;

 

[christian1971]

It could also be possible that you did not use enough lube, plus its also important to use the right lube (water based).

Plus if he was to force full he could of caused a small tear. I've noticed while I used my anal plugs you need to take it slow and be as relaxed as possible. So you dont get in all the way in on the first or second try. Go slow if you feel any pain tell him and he should stop or pull back some till you feel you can take more. Again no rush the whole purpose is to please each other not just the one.

 

[SweetErika]

Did you do the whole warm-up routine, including the larger toy, tonight? Have you tried having HIM insert the larger toy slowly, at your direction (or better yet, hold it while you're on your hands and knees and have you move back onto it) after you warmed up with fingers and the smaller plug?

Did you have at least one orgasm first? Were you getting some other kind of stimulation you really like (e.g. clit) while attempting penetration? I find both of these things help me relax sufficiently and the clit stimulation during distracts me enough that I don't tense up enough to cause myself any significant pain.

Are you sure you used enough lube? Regardless, try going overboard with it next time. The worst that can happen is you have to wipe some away, which is way better than the alternative of not having enough, IMO! What kind of lube are you using?

I'm wondering if your better bet is for you to direct and control the speed of penetration until you have some positive experiences under your belt. Then you can relax yourself and increase the depth of penetration when you're ready, instead of relying on him to gauge where you are and what's least likely to hurt you.

I'd also advise thinking, 'We'll keep trying until we have a pain-free experience,' instead of, 'Don't stop, no matter what,' because the painful+forceful experiences are probably just reinforcing the negative association and making you tense before you even get started. Keep trying in the most gentle, loving way, maybe changing/adjusting one aspect each time (for me at least, that sort of tricks my brain into forgetting the past negative experience(s) and focus on the idea that it'll be different and more positive this time around), and definitely take your time until you find the combo of things that works best for you. Ease into it, rather than push it, both literally and figuratively!

Anal sex may or may not be your favorite thing (or even something you want to do at all) in the end, but I'd bet you can learn to have a pain-free experience if you keep trying different techniques and don't rush. It's taken many of us a lot of trying to get there; what I've taken from that is each time something doesn't work, we get at least one step closer to finding what DOES work. Process of elimination, baby!

 

[SweetErika]

It could also be possible that you did not use enough lube, plus its also important to use the right lube (water based).

We use silicone lube for anal, and after trying a lot of different lubes, found it is absolutely the best for us.

I agree one needs to use the right lube, but there is no universal 'right' type of lube for any kind of sex. 'Right' depends on factors such as desired slickness and lasting properties, consistency, whether condom- and/or toy-compatibility is a consideration, ingredients and allergies and safety.

 

[forbidden_fruit]

theres a simple trick. Start with one finger get used to it then insert the second don't go to the third finger untill your fully relaxed and water based lubes do help a lot but once your relaxed with three fingers it should be a lot more easier or you can just use a butt plug and skip the finger trick but the fingers you can do more

 

[Tebazile]

Did you do the whole warm-up routine, including the larger toy, tonight? Have you tried having HIM insert the larger toy slowly, at your direction (or better yet, hold it while you're on your hands and knees and have you move back onto it) after you warmed up with fingers and the smaller plug?

Did you have at least one orgasm first? Were you getting some other kind of stimulation you really like (e.g. clit) while attempting penetration? I find both of these things help me relax sufficiently and the clit stimulation during distracts me enough that I don't tense up enough to cause myself any significant pain.

Are you sure you used enough lube? Regardless, try going overboard with it next time. The worst that can happen is you have to wipe some away, which is way better than the alternative of not having enough, IMO! What kind of lube are you using?

I'm wondering if your better bet is for you to direct and control the speed of penetration until you have some positive experiences under your belt. Then you can relax yourself and increase the depth of penetration when you're ready, instead of relying on him to gauge where you are and what's least likely to hurt you.

I'd also advise thinking, 'We'll keep trying until we have a pain-free experience,' instead of, 'Don't stop, no matter what,' because the painful+forceful experiences are probably just reinforcing the negative association and making you tense before you even get started. Keep trying in the most gentle, loving way, maybe changing/adjusting one aspect each time (for me at least, that sort of tricks my brain into forgetting the past negative experience(s) and focus on the idea that it'll be different and more positive this time around), and definitely take your time until you find the combo of things that works best for you. Ease into it, rather than push it, both literally and figuratively!

Anal sex may or may not be your favorite thing (or even something you want to do at all) in the end, but I'd bet you can learn to have a pain-free experience if you keep trying different techniques and don't rush. It's taken many of us a lot of trying to get there; what I've taken from that is each time something doesn't work, we get at least one step closer to finding what DOES work. Process of elimination, baby!

Thank you!! I found that extremely helpful.

theres a simple trick. Start with one finger get used to it then insert the second don't go to the third finger untill your fully relaxed and water based lubes do help a lot but once your relaxed with three fingers it should be a lot more easier or you can just use a butt plug and skip the finger trick but the fingers you can do more

Did you not read my post? I've done that...

*confused*

 

[thetwolezz]

Timing

It took me YEARS to get used to anal. Isn't that horrible?? Because NOW...I absolutely love it! We both do.
But I'll tell you...it's the moment BEFORE anything is inserted that feels the best...having it pushed against the hole...just holding it there.
Have him sit/stand perfectly still...you control the insertion with your body...your time...let him know it could take a while...he won't mind...just the thought of being inside of you...he'll love waiting. (hopefully...)
Good luck...once you're "there"...it's W O N D E R F U LLLLLLllllllllllllllll.
lol

 

[lex8508]

My S/o and I have been slowing working into full-fledged anal for awhile, now. He started with a finger, then two, and then a small anal plug. And on my own, I've used the small anal plug numerous times, and a fairly decent sized one a few times as well.

Tonight was going to be the night. We've gotten his head in before, but I was overwhelmed with the need to use the bathroom (which I understand is totally normal), and I've always asked him to stop. He was instructed not to stop tonight. I was convinced that if he got in and out a couple of times, I'd be okay.

So, with the aid of lube, he went in. Slowly, but surely. And he was maybe halfway in when the pain got to me. Burning hot pain like I've never felt before, and I've been dry raped, okay? I ran to the bathroom, and I was bleeding. Not crazy kinds of blood, but still enough to cause concern, as I've never bled from anal type things before.

My S/o says that some people just can't handle anal. But that's crazy! I can handle butt plugs and fingers, and I can stretch around the head of his dick, but that's it? No way. I like the idea too much to settle for that. Anal porn and stories are my favorite. And anal is a HUGE deal to him.

While I've been assured that he's not going to leave me if I can't ever go "all the way" with this, I want to please him in any way he needs, you know? And I want to do this for me, too.

Am I doing something wrong? Is there anything else I can do to train or stretch myself?

you probably had a alergic reaction to the lube

 

[Duvet_Thief]

Bad luck...

And although the other posters are probably all correct on the kind/amount of lube, the technique you were using etc., can I also just suggest that you check with your doctor that you don't have a hemorrhoid forming or anything, which can be a cause of discomfort during anal...

x

 

[PertPerth]

I beleive the key is to try and have no pain. (I'm not into anal, but have pain during vaginal penetration and am seeing a specialist). My doctor and physio basically have given me pain killers and stretching excercises to do regularly and they both stress the point - don't put yourself in pain. If you're in pain, then you're more likely to clamp your muscles tighter - the tighter you get, the harder he has to push and the more pain you're in.

So, regular stretches, lots of lube...and patience!

 

[Vail_Indigo]

I'd also advise thinking, 'We'll keep trying until we have a pain-free experience,' instead of, 'Don't stop, no matter what,' because the painful+forceful experiences are probably just reinforcing the negative association and making you tense before you even get started.

the other thing is, with the "dont stop" philosophy, you can simply end up hurting yourself. Pain is an important signal to the body. Something is amiss. If you don't understand what is wrong, you can't decide if you should stop.
ugh, that came out badly.
My point is, if you are having serious pain, don't just ignore it. Anal sex takes some work, and for some people A LOT of work.
But you can get there without the kind of pain you've described.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You could try an enema or anal douche before you get started. If you have waste in your lower bowel, pushing it back up inside you causes the same kind of reaction in your digestive tract as a need to vomit does. Everything tenses while your body decides whether some kind of emergency evacuation is required and the result is the gut-wrenching pain you experienced. Also be aware of pushing air up inside you as it causes trapped wind pain.

I agree with Erika that you should be controlling this to begin with. Try going on top of him so that you can take things at your own pace as it will help you feel much more relaxed than kneeling and waiting for him to penetrate you will.

I found that wearing a soft, silicone plug slightly narrower than his shaft for a half hour before attempting anal minimised the pain. Water based lube is best and having him wear a condom (if he doesn't already) can help him to glide into you more easily. Once he's inside you, keep still for a few minutes before any thrusting occurs as it will give your anus time to stretch and adjust.

I also recommend a couple of glasses of wine or something as it means you're more relaxed before you start. Just my preference though.

 

[Ardeche]

Hope this helps

My trick;

Beforehand I start out with a dildo/vibrator on my own (usually in the bath). I go slow and easy and continue until I get a general "open" feeling down there.

Come sex, I recommend being on your knees (doggystyle), having him stay rock still and pushing back only as you see fit. Take it slow. The "pop" feeling when his head slides in, takes me at LEAST 2-3 minutes to get used to. After that, it's smooth sailing (but still slow!). Obviously much lube is required here as well.

Hope this helps and good luck. Also if you bled the first time and intend to try again, it may be best to use a condom just in case.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

My trick;

Beforehand I start out with a dildo/vibrator on my own (usually in the bath). I go slow and easy and continue until I get a general "open" feeling down there.

Come sex, I recommend being on your knees (doggystyle), having him stay rock still and pushing back only as you see fit. Take it slow. The "pop" feeling when his head slides in, takes me at LEAST 2-3 minutes to get used to. After that, it's smooth sailing (but still slow!). Obviously much lube is required here as well.

Hope this helps and good luck. Also if you bled the first time and intend to try again, it may be best to use a condom just in case.

actually, thats really good advice. I started anal on my own with toys, and, now that I look back, for a long while, any night I was planning on letting a partner do that to me, I did it to myself first

 

[rida]

Just my two cent as a very late anal bloomer ...

The best position to start with to be able to control the penetration and relax enough, for me, is spooning. I hold onto his shaft with one hand and slowly direct the whole process until it is all in.

The hardest part is after the head pops in and it has to go through the second set of ring muscle, the internal ones that, I am not remembering wrong, we cannot really control directly, only allow to relax. Once the head has passed them I need to wait a couple of minutes to let the whole area adjust. And after that ... it is just all very pleasurable

Also, as someone else said before, if you bled, you might want to check for hemorrhoids. It might be just something small and internal, and in such a case some over the counter cream my help speed up the healing process.

 

[Tebazile]

you probably had a alergic reaction to the lube

I know it's not that. We've been using it for awhile, and I've never had any problems with it before.

Thank you, everyone. I think I'm ready to try again.

 

[SweetErika]

I beleive the key is to try and have no pain. (I'm not into anal, but have pain during vaginal penetration and am seeing a specialist). My doctor and physio basically have given me pain killers and stretching excercises to do regularly and they both stress the point - don't put yourself in pain. If you're in pain, then you're more likely to clamp your muscles tighter - the tighter you get, the harder he has to push and the more pain you're in.

So, regular stretches, lots of lube...and patience!

So, so true!

Once any kind of pain starts, we get really tense. That's going to make for more pain, which makes you tighten further, and on and on it goes until it hurts so much you stop and/or some real damage is done.

So, at the first sign of pain, stop moving completely and take all the time you need to consciously relax. Maybe pull away from him at your own pace while bearing down and having him stay still, take some time to relax or do something that really feels good (massage, clit stim, etc.), and then try again when you feel ready. It's counterintuitive to bear down during penetration, but that's really what you need to do. Your muscles will probably still spasm some, and you may experience a little discomfort, but if you can focus on relaxing (again, visualizing and distraction via pleasure can help here), that bit of discomfort will be all of the ickiness you'll feel.

You mentioned you'd been assaulted previously, too. Don't discount how traumatic experiences can play into this. Anal is an activity that requires more intimacy and trust for many, and because there IS so much more potential for pain, it can certainly help us make connections back to our traumas. For me, "keep going, no matter what" is the absolute worst thing I can do during any kind of sex; even though I'm the only one doing the forcing, it still connects to that very deep feeling of being forced and triggers some of the bad thoughts and feelings associated with my assault. I tense up and shut down, it hurts, and voila, it's an awful experience!

So, I've found I need to take care of myself emotionally when it comes to sex, and that includes not victimizing myself by forcing myself to continue when it hurts physically or emotionally. It's not what I want to do (I wanna keep going and be successful NOW, dammit! ), but it's ultimately what I have to do and what leads to the best results.

 

[d5b1fl]

Also, try kegel exercises on a daily basis, it strengthens those muscles and reduces the risk of tearing. When my man and I do this, he gets me going really good first and starts with his thumb and then some fingers and he will usually let me cum and when I release from the orgasm, he enters me then. It's right at that time when I have completely let go to ride out the end of the orgasm and my body is completely relaxed, he'll slip the head in and then stop and let me finish my orgasm but he keeps moving around, just not going any deeper. This helps to keep my muscles from tightening up too much and I can associate it with my orgasm which is good.

 

[SusyQ]

Something you might try in addition is wine (or your recreational relaxant of choice) and a massage. Not a ton, you don't want to be sloppy drunk or high, but just enough to take the edge of your anxiety off. Feeling like you're so goal oriented, like this whole sex thing has to be linear, can make such a difference. Having more of a playful attitude about it can really help.

 

[infinity706]

Well, I've used toys that are bigger than any real cock I've ever seen and I've never had any bleeding. I can't be sure what caused it, but if it keeps happening, then you might want to worry. If it's just this isolated incident, it's probably no big deal.

 

[SweetErika]

Well, I've used toys that are bigger than any real cock I've ever seen and I've never had any bleeding. I can't be sure what caused it, but if it keeps happening, then you might want to worry. If it's just this isolated incident, it's probably no big deal.

Bleeding is usually caused by technique, not necessarily size. The tissue of the rectum is very, very thin and it doesn't take much to tear it. Too little lube, being too rough or forceful, tensing up, problems like hemorrhoids...all of these things can cause tearing and bleeding, ranging from minor to major. When one is very relaxed and lubed, they can often take large objects without pain or bleeding.

A little bit of bleeding that stops within 24-48 hours (although it may restart with straining or having a bowel movement) is usually nothing to be too concerned about. Heavier bleeding, or bleeding that continues could be a sign of a problem that needs prompt medical attention. Without a pre-existing problem like hemorrhoids, there should be very little to no pain or bleeding if the proper technique is used, though.

 

[infinity706]

Bleeding is usually caused by technique, not necessarily size. The tissue of the rectum is very, very thin and it doesn't take much to tear it. Too little lube, being too rough or forceful, tensing up, problems like hemorrhoids...all of these things can cause tearing and bleeding, ranging from minor to major. When one is very relaxed and lubed, they can often take large objects without pain or bleeding.

A little bit of bleeding that stops within 24-48 hours (although it may restart with straining or having a bowel movement) is usually nothing to be too concerned about. Heavier bleeding, or bleeding that continues could be a sign of a problem that needs prompt medical attention. Without a pre-existing problem like hemorrhoids, there should be very little to no pain or bleeding if the proper technique is used, though.

Yes, here's the technical version of what I just said.