own poetry

[JopN]

hi!

there is one poem where i have asked for feedback through publishing it on Literotica, but no comments...
I changed it. Anyone want to give a reaction?
no title since it's not finished. English is not my mother tongue (but I lived in Ireland when I was young)

Trust your body
is the first line you wrote
Born with a singalong of unclouded
song you needed no name
Open and frank is the way
you were birthed into this life

The second line was written by your mother
that line lineages old written
from mother to mother;
large and generous arms:
this is home.

 

[Winter_Fare]

Hi Jop, I'm not some expert, so take all this with a pinch of salt if it doesn't suit/help you x

I've read through this version and the original a few times and I feel like they're trying to say different things. This one seems to be more sentimental, less negative about the mothering theme? But not sure.

Form wise it's a bit rambling.

Could you condense it, improve the symmetry between the two stanzas to make the language more powerful?


There's a change of tense from past to present in the last line, and some duplicate words in both stanzas

"Born with a singalong of unclouded
song you needed no name"
~
Singing your own song
You needed no name

(I don't think you need born and birthed the same stanza, and singalong doesn't add much, and adds a mocking tone that I don't think you were after.)

Lineages old jars a bit. Lineages doesn't mean the same as generations.

I hope some of this is helpful? X

 

[JopN]

Yes, thanks for the feedback. This is usefull, because I couldn't see what kept me busy trying to improve this text.
Really, with the first version I wanted to show that a baby has an "unclouded voice", and that it needs no defining.
You are right about lineages, damn, that sucks, because I felt it DID have good rhythm.
Let's be modest now myself. I still have so much to learn. That's part of the reason I am here.
Having said that I do like to bend the rules in writing poetry, I like free verse very much, because it makes the poet communicate "musicality" in his own way.

Thanks for your help.
bye,
Jop