Mistress
Lit's Original Mistress
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2001
- Posts
- 13,167
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was allowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I’m in hell!"
"Hell’s not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You’re already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that’s awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you’re dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don’t mean . . ."
"That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays."
----------------------------------------
You Might be in a Southern Church if ....
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is, "Y’all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, "I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get me out of."
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody’s smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
12. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."
13. The church directory doesn’t have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can’t leave them a bag of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as "branding."
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o’clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.
22. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
24. It’s not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
25. The final words of the benediction are, "Y’all come on back !!"
------------------------------
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch. They all chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" asks the son.
"I don't like her," says the mother.
--------------------------------
On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.
The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.
Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "
The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance
----------------------------
Quote of the Day
I'm not living in the past...I'm just making payments on it.
------------------------
Dilbert's Laws Of Work
1#If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2#A pat on the back is only a few centimeters away from a kick in the ass.
3#Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4#It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
5#After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
6#The more crap that you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
7#You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
8#Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
9#When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
10#If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit, no sense in being a damn fool about it.
11#There will always be beer cans rolling around the floor of your car when your boss asks for a ride home.
12#Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
13#Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
14#Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
15#To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
16#Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work s/he is supposed to be doing.
17#Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
18#If you're good, you'll be assigned all the work. If you're really good, you will get out of it.
19#You're always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
20#People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21#If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
22#The authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
23#When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24#Following the rules will not get the job done.
25#Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
26#When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more readily by reducing it to the question "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
27#No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
28#The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
-----------------
Famous Last Words
You'll be perfectly safe behind this lead plate.
That's not smoke, that's steam.
Of course it's sterile.
Well, we're the next best thing to a bank.
It's so tame you can put your head in its mouth.
It was fresh just last week.
These are the safe kind of mushrooms.
It should be O.K. to swim in.
He's been a perfectly safe driver ever since his first Model T.
Clip the red wire first.
It's O.K. to format this disk.
It's supposed to make that noise.
It's pretty much grounded.
That should be at least enough gas to make it across Nevada.
It doesn't look like the bridge is out.
They only attack when they're hungry.
I can hold my breath at least that long.
The boss won't mind.
It shouldn't take long to reach Anchorage.
Let's ask those soldiers for directions.
It'll shrink in the wash.
Jason won't find us in this closet.
I'm sure I turned my lights off.
I bet I can fit in there.
What can possibly go wrong?
Give me a match. I think my gas tank's empty.
Don't be silly...of course polar bears can't get into igloos.
I don't need a bodygua---- (thud)
Just tell them you're a friend of mine.
Hey ya'll, watch this!
Of course, nuns can fly!
If you hold your breath for 8 minutes, you'll just faint.
Trust me.
Trust him.
Of course that won't happen.....boom.
It doesn't hurt.
The knife is dull.
Don't worry, the gun is on safety.
Go ahead, drink it.
Nothing happened the LAST time I tried it.
That little thing? Hell, this little cutey won't harm a fly!
No, honey, I'm sure I locked that door!
The parachute always opens.
It's just a small way down.
They only come out at night.
A bit of petrol will get the fire going.
Don't worry, it is perfectly safe in Harlem.
Don't worry...just open the email attachment.
They can't hit us from that distance...
I'll be back.
I will call.
Hey y'all--hold my can of beer and watch this!
Don't worry, this is bulletproof glass.
Here goes nothing!
Ha! That's just a story they made up to scare the kids.
No one will find out.
I dare you to do that!
You wouldn't do that would you?
Oops!
Is that good or bad?
Of course this rope is safe. I've used it plenty of times myself.
It isn't ticking. It's hitting the sides.
I'm alright, it's just a minor cut.
It'll be OK.
There is nothing in there.
Don't worry, we won't get lost.
Let me just put you on hold for a minute.
It's OK, I've done that lots of times.
It's just a phase he's going through.
This won't hurt a bit.
Last one, I promise.
We do not disclose your email address to anyone.
Cheque's in the mail!
That's not MY weed officer. I'm holding it for him. I swear...
---------------
25 Ways To Tell If You're A Bit Scruffy
You're a bit scruffy if...
1. More than one of your children are named after an Aussie soap star.
2. The best way to keep things cold is to leave them in the shade.
3. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
4. Your neighbours started a petition over your Christmas lights.
5. The pipe smokers in your family aren't just men.
6. Foreplay consists of taking off her saddle.
7. A sign that reads Say No To Crack reminds you to pull up your jeans.
8. You've ever woken up with a black eye and a lovebite.
9. You have five cars that aren't mobile and a house that is.
10. You own at least ten baseball hats.
11. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
12. You bought a video recorder so you could record Sunset Beach whilst you are at work.
13. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
14. Your idea of a romantic dinner for two is a tray of chips and two forks.
15. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
16. You've ever sprayed your bird's name on a motorway bridge.
17. Directions to your house include turn left at the burnt out shops.
18. Your dog and wallet are both on chains.
19. You've ever lost a tooth opening a bottle of beer.
20. You wont stop at the motorway services if you've got an empty can in the car.
21. Your mum keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
22. You've ever left school because there's an opening at Kwik Fit.
23. You've ever used lard in bed.
24. You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and obscene tongue gestures.
25. Social Services send you a Christmas card.
-------------------------
I Don't Think The HMO Covers This
The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the pharmacists' convention. "This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub." And this is Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room. Lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for both straight and kinky sex, including bondage. She's yours for the nite for only $300. And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..."
"Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists. "Don't you have any generic lays?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I’m in hell!"
"Hell’s not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You’re already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that’s awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you’re dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don’t mean . . ."
"That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays."
----------------------------------------
You Might be in a Southern Church if ....
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is, "Y’all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, "I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get me out of."
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody’s smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
12. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."
13. The church directory doesn’t have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can’t leave them a bag of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as "branding."
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o’clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.
22. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
24. It’s not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
25. The final words of the benediction are, "Y’all come on back !!"
------------------------------
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch. They all chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" asks the son.
"I don't like her," says the mother.
--------------------------------
On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.
The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.
Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "
The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance
----------------------------
Quote of the Day
I'm not living in the past...I'm just making payments on it.
------------------------
Dilbert's Laws Of Work
1#If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2#A pat on the back is only a few centimeters away from a kick in the ass.
3#Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4#It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
5#After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
6#The more crap that you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
7#You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
8#Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
9#When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
10#If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit, no sense in being a damn fool about it.
11#There will always be beer cans rolling around the floor of your car when your boss asks for a ride home.
12#Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
13#Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
14#Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
15#To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
16#Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work s/he is supposed to be doing.
17#Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
18#If you're good, you'll be assigned all the work. If you're really good, you will get out of it.
19#You're always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
20#People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21#If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
22#The authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
23#When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24#Following the rules will not get the job done.
25#Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
26#When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more readily by reducing it to the question "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
27#No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
28#The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
-----------------
Famous Last Words
You'll be perfectly safe behind this lead plate.
That's not smoke, that's steam.
Of course it's sterile.
Well, we're the next best thing to a bank.
It's so tame you can put your head in its mouth.
It was fresh just last week.
These are the safe kind of mushrooms.
It should be O.K. to swim in.
He's been a perfectly safe driver ever since his first Model T.
Clip the red wire first.
It's O.K. to format this disk.
It's supposed to make that noise.
It's pretty much grounded.
That should be at least enough gas to make it across Nevada.
It doesn't look like the bridge is out.
They only attack when they're hungry.
I can hold my breath at least that long.
The boss won't mind.
It shouldn't take long to reach Anchorage.
Let's ask those soldiers for directions.
It'll shrink in the wash.
Jason won't find us in this closet.
I'm sure I turned my lights off.
I bet I can fit in there.
What can possibly go wrong?
Give me a match. I think my gas tank's empty.
Don't be silly...of course polar bears can't get into igloos.
I don't need a bodygua---- (thud)
Just tell them you're a friend of mine.
Hey ya'll, watch this!
Of course, nuns can fly!
If you hold your breath for 8 minutes, you'll just faint.
Trust me.
Trust him.
Of course that won't happen.....boom.
It doesn't hurt.
The knife is dull.
Don't worry, the gun is on safety.
Go ahead, drink it.
Nothing happened the LAST time I tried it.
That little thing? Hell, this little cutey won't harm a fly!
No, honey, I'm sure I locked that door!
The parachute always opens.
It's just a small way down.
They only come out at night.
A bit of petrol will get the fire going.
Don't worry, it is perfectly safe in Harlem.
Don't worry...just open the email attachment.
They can't hit us from that distance...
I'll be back.
I will call.
Hey y'all--hold my can of beer and watch this!
Don't worry, this is bulletproof glass.
Here goes nothing!
Ha! That's just a story they made up to scare the kids.
No one will find out.
I dare you to do that!
You wouldn't do that would you?
Oops!
Is that good or bad?
Of course this rope is safe. I've used it plenty of times myself.
It isn't ticking. It's hitting the sides.
I'm alright, it's just a minor cut.
It'll be OK.
There is nothing in there.
Don't worry, we won't get lost.
Let me just put you on hold for a minute.
It's OK, I've done that lots of times.
It's just a phase he's going through.
This won't hurt a bit.
Last one, I promise.
We do not disclose your email address to anyone.
Cheque's in the mail!
That's not MY weed officer. I'm holding it for him. I swear...
---------------
25 Ways To Tell If You're A Bit Scruffy
You're a bit scruffy if...
1. More than one of your children are named after an Aussie soap star.
2. The best way to keep things cold is to leave them in the shade.
3. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
4. Your neighbours started a petition over your Christmas lights.
5. The pipe smokers in your family aren't just men.
6. Foreplay consists of taking off her saddle.
7. A sign that reads Say No To Crack reminds you to pull up your jeans.
8. You've ever woken up with a black eye and a lovebite.
9. You have five cars that aren't mobile and a house that is.
10. You own at least ten baseball hats.
11. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
12. You bought a video recorder so you could record Sunset Beach whilst you are at work.
13. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
14. Your idea of a romantic dinner for two is a tray of chips and two forks.
15. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
16. You've ever sprayed your bird's name on a motorway bridge.
17. Directions to your house include turn left at the burnt out shops.
18. Your dog and wallet are both on chains.
19. You've ever lost a tooth opening a bottle of beer.
20. You wont stop at the motorway services if you've got an empty can in the car.
21. Your mum keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
22. You've ever left school because there's an opening at Kwik Fit.
23. You've ever used lard in bed.
24. You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and obscene tongue gestures.
25. Social Services send you a Christmas card.
-------------------------
I Don't Think The HMO Covers This
The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the pharmacists' convention. "This is Dolores," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub." And this is Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room. Lovely Maria," she continued "can be yours for both straight and kinky sex, including bondage. She's yours for the nite for only $300. And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can..."
"Just a minute." interrupted one of the druggists. "Don't you have any generic lays?"
