Out for butchering

[Sammael Bard]

I'd appreciate a few tips on how to improve my story Harp Un-strung. Writing style, grammar, character sketch or anything else that, you think, could see a few tweaks.

It's a First-Time story, something I worked on and off for a year, so it might not be consistent in parts.

All help would be mightily appreciated.

 

[LadyVer]

I plan to read it so I can vote on it. Congrats on the story! I'm guessing, though, that not much butchering is needed.

 

[Devilius]

I liked Mike's POV more than Claire's. More depth, more pain and more angst. Very interesting character. Not saying Claire's is bad, but she requires a better past to compete with Mike.

As a reader, I think the story came up beautifully. There were a few melodramatic moments like the part where Claire "begs" for forgiveness. I think that part could see a little more detail and "tweaks".

The actual penetration scene was slightly lacking. Given the amount of time you spent on teasing and build-up, you should invest more in the sex. That's what the readers are here for.

These are very minor faults. They can be lived without, but it's how I think you an improve your story.

Congrats on winning the contest, though. A very beautiful story, IMO, and deserves at least a 4 star if not a 5.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Thanks very much for those thought.

Mike is a part of my persona, so I connect better with him when I wrote from his POV. Not so much with Claire as I started writing from her POV much later after I started the story.

I got a lot of flak for the sex scenes. I look up to Goldeniangel's stories for the sex scenes. Those are really hot. Let's see if I can emulate those in my pieces.

Really appreciate you taking out the time to go through that piece. Thanks again.

 

[8letters]

I've greatly appreciated the reviews you've done of my stories in the past, so I really want to give you some good feedback. But, you're beginning leaves me with no desire to keep reading. First, the title sounds melancholy and doesn't interest me at all. I open the story and there's the "This is my attempt at writing something with a mature and slightly morbid content". Morbid isn't what I'm looking for on Literotica, or in stories in general. So, I'm thinking it's a melancholy, morbid story. Then there's the melancholy poem that I don't get (I don't get poems without rhymes). I finally get to the story and after five paragraphs, I discover I have something else to do.

At some point, I'll gird my loins and read further. But it's something I'll do not because I want to, but because I feel I ought to.

 

[Daniel_Matthews]

Among all the categories, first time is my favorite. I've read several stories (by that I mean hundreds), but none of them have good characters or romance (or both).

9 Lit pages isn't a joke dude! That means almost 100 word pages with 12 font size. I read the story from first to last, and then decided to bug you with a request for the sequel. This one definitely demands one. I'd love to see where their story goes. You've got me intrigued out there.

There are a few technicalities that need to be fixed. A few comments pointed it out before, but I'll do it again.

If Mike is going to join the "Armed Forces", that usually means the Army. Now I don't know where your story is set, but if it's in the United States, he wouldn't be going to the Training Academy. Those are for Officers. They don't go out on the field to do the grunt work (fighting, cooking, etc).

Boot Camp is where the grunts go. If Mike is going to be a grunt, he'll go there.

If you choose to write something with a Military background, make sure you do your research well. Training methods, Radio Talks etc etc are always under scrutiny by the ex-military people. They're easily pissed off by the lack/error of details.

Best of luck for the next part (which I'm hoping you'll write someday).


DM

 

[Sammael Bard]

I've greatly appreciated the reviews you've done of my stories in the past, so I really want to give you some good feedback. But, you're beginning leaves me with no desire to keep reading. First, the title sounds melancholy and doesn't interest me at all. I open the story and there's the "This is my attempt at writing something with a mature and slightly morbid content". Morbid isn't what I'm looking for on Literotica, or in stories in general. So, I'm thinking it's a melancholy, morbid story. Then there's the melancholy poem that I don't get (I don't get poems without rhymes). I finally get to the story and after five paragraphs, I discover I have something else to do.

When I wrote this story, it was for serious publishing, not specifically for Literotica. Perhaps it's a real downer by Lit standards, but I can live with that. Not the bang-your-momma-on-the-first-page story, but it is mine.

When I put up my story for critique/feedback, I don't have any expectations. Readers may like it, or they may hate it. It's the "what exactly they hated/liked" I'm interested in. Was kinda hoping you'd like it, but ... m'eh, I can't please everyone, can I?

Thanks for the attempt, though. I appreciate the bravery.

At some point, I'll gird my loins and read further. But it's something I'll do not because I want to, but because I feel I ought to.

You won't be doing me or yourself any favours if you do that. I dole out my criticisms for free. I ask for a favour once in a while in return, but I don't arm-twist anyone. They do it because they want to. Their choice.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Among all the categories, first time is my favorite. I've read several stories (by that I mean hundreds), but none of them have good characters or romance (or both).

9 Lit pages isn't a joke dude! That means almost 100 word pages with 12 font size. I read the story from first to last, and then decided to bug you with a request for the sequel. This one definitely demands one. I'd love to see where their story goes. You've got me intrigued out there.

There are a few technicalities that need to be fixed. A few comments pointed it out before, but I'll do it again.

If Mike is going to join the "Armed Forces", that usually means the Army. Now I don't know where your story is set, but if it's in the United States, he wouldn't be going to the Training Academy. Those are for Officers. They don't go out on the field to do the grunt work (fighting, cooking, etc).

Boot Camp is where the grunts go. If Mike is going to be a grunt, he'll go there.

If you choose to write something with a Military background, make sure you do your research well. Training methods, Radio Talks etc etc are always under scrutiny by the ex-military people. They're easily pissed off by the lack/error of details.

Best of luck for the next part (which I'm hoping you'll write someday).


DM

Ta muchly.

The story is not set in the United States or UK or anywhere on Earth. I specifically avoided mentioning it because that wasn't the focus. It'll be a fictional place called GUNN. That way I can avoid pissing off hardcore military dudes if I get something wrong. They can never debate me on something fictional.

I'm not an expert on Military stuff, but I have a friend who is always willing to lend a ear to my technical problems regarding Military details and such. I'll consult him before writing that part.

Thanks again for reading!