Our 1st posting
- Thread starter petite34c
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Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
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What the hell is "TURE" story?
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
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I haven't read it, but I'll just be honest with you...whenever I read "this is a true story" at the beginning of a story here at Lit, it's an automatic backclick for me. Most of the stories that start that way (and I'm not saying yours is like this) use the "true story" thing as an excuse for sloppy/lazy writing.
Think about it for a sec: does it really matter to Mr. Average Reader whether your story is true or not?
Nope. In fact, you could just be saying it's true when it's a complete figment of your imagination.
I'll try to read the story in a bit, and give you some critique...and I'll ignore the "this is a true story" part.
(btw: why do you say "our" story? It almost comes off as the royal "we" )
I suspect that you won't get much feedback until you post a link and/or your story posts on the site. Right now, you don't show up when I search members and your story doesn't show up when I search stories. I can't find it. Most of the folks here are much less ambitious than I am about searching.
drksideofthemoon
West of the moon. . .
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petite34c
Literotica Guru
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Story Link
Here is the link to the story as some of you have asked.
It appears several members who have read it, do not care for it and its context.
Again this is or 1st attempt at writing something of this nature, be kind, would you?
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=361003
Here is the link to the story as some of you have asked.
It appears several members who have read it, do not care for it and its context.
Again this is or 1st attempt at writing something of this nature, be kind, would you?
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=361003
Last edited:
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
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Your link doesn't work.
G
Guest
Guest
It's in Loving Wives.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=361003
Enough said for the bad comments. That's a rough category for feedback.
G
Guest
Guest
It's a good start. But an editor could help matters.
You overuse quotation marks - oh my. It's incredibly distracting to see them placed around so many single words. And you use them inappropriately around dialogue in spots, as well.
Cleaning up those two aspects would help the story tremendously.
There are volunteer editors on this site who can help. Have anyone else you know proofread your story. The more people who read, the more mistakes they will catch.
Just keep plugging away with your writing. It's the only way to improve.
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
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Let me see... The first paragraph you started out bad.
The punctuation is... um... not great. You first sentence should be -
"My wife, Mary, and I have been together of over twelve years. Mary is forty-five and petite with a hard body, nice, firm breasts and long hair."
I don't care how big Mary's tits are. I don't care how tall she is or how much she weighs. That's all useless discription. Use words to paint me a picture, don't discribe her. And don't use numbers unless it's a time (1:00 o'clock, an address - 1234 W Buckfuck or something very similar).
Paragraph two is a wall of text eleven lines long, and not very well written or punctuated with run-on sentences and so on. Keep your paragraph length down to six or eight lines. You'll get fewer back clicks. And find an editor.
After the forth paragraph I got bored and gave up. This has all been done before. This is not a story at all. This is a snippet. There is not tension between the characters (who I really have no empathy for) and, does nothing for me.
The punctuation is... um... not great. You first sentence should be -
"My wife, Mary, and I have been together of over twelve years. Mary is forty-five and petite with a hard body, nice, firm breasts and long hair."
I don't care how big Mary's tits are. I don't care how tall she is or how much she weighs. That's all useless discription. Use words to paint me a picture, don't discribe her. And don't use numbers unless it's a time (1:00 o'clock, an address - 1234 W Buckfuck or something very similar).
Paragraph two is a wall of text eleven lines long, and not very well written or punctuated with run-on sentences and so on. Keep your paragraph length down to six or eight lines. You'll get fewer back clicks. And find an editor.
After the forth paragraph I got bored and gave up. This has all been done before. This is not a story at all. This is a snippet. There is not tension between the characters (who I really have no empathy for) and, does nothing for me.
Last edited:
petite34c
Literotica Guru
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starrkers
Down two, then left
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I found your use of quotations marks very distracting, and the use of "M" instead of the character's name was just weird. I've only ever seen names inside quote marks when the name is an alias, and even then it's usually only done for the first reference.
Other than that, quotes should only be used for dialogue, but you have them scattered all over the place. What dialogue you do have does not read true. I cannot conceive of anyone ever saying
Some of your paragraphs are too long for on-screen reading. They may work fine (and probably do) on a printed page, but on-screen, slabs of text are daunting.
The sentences tend to run on and there are quite a few spelling errors. Do NOT rely on your word processor's spell check to find them all - "retuning" is a word, even if you meant "returning". Get another person to read through the story when you've finished it, they are more likely to pick up errors like this - you will see what you think you wrote.
I didn't finish the story, I'm afraid I lost interest. I did see it had many comments, as is quite normal in the Loving Wives category - readers of that category who comment rarely hold back their poison pen
Don't let it worry you, it goes with the territory.
Other than that, quotes should only be used for dialogue, but you have them scattered all over the place. What dialogue you do have does not read true. I cannot conceive of anyone ever saying
Some of your paragraphs are too long for on-screen reading. They may work fine (and probably do) on a printed page, but on-screen, slabs of text are daunting.
The sentences tend to run on and there are quite a few spelling errors. Do NOT rely on your word processor's spell check to find them all - "retuning" is a word, even if you meant "returning". Get another person to read through the story when you've finished it, they are more likely to pick up errors like this - you will see what you think you wrote.
I didn't finish the story, I'm afraid I lost interest. I did see it had many comments, as is quite normal in the Loving Wives category - readers of that category who comment rarely hold back their poison pen
Don't let it worry you, it goes with the territory.
W
where
Guest
I'm amazed the feedback here has been so much kinder than the feedback left on the ratings page. 
First story
What I am telling you now is what has been told to me, so please do not get upset with me...okay?
Let Mary and Jim tell the story. You do not have to say that it was you. The story would read so much better if you would do without the quote marks. Use the full name instead of their initials. You tell us their names, use them. By using the initials, it shows laziness to me. It takes just as much energy to type out their names (which are short) than to put the "M" all the time.
It would be great if you would give the reader some credit. Let them use their imagination on some things. Like sizes. I think your story would read so much easier if you took "you" out of the story and just let things happen to Jim and Mary. The reader does not care if it is a true story...
I am telling you these things because I have made the same mistakes. I will tell you like I have told other newbies...find a friend on the site - have them proof all your stories. They can see things that you can't...
You really do not need the introduction at the top. Let them read it and decide if they enjoy it or not. OH! Someone told me that the Loving Wives category leaves the harshest criticisms. You might try to resubmit your story with edits and put it in erotic couplings. Make sure you read the FAQ on how to submit a story with edits.
Good luck to you in your writing!
What I am telling you now is what has been told to me, so please do not get upset with me...okay?
Let Mary and Jim tell the story. You do not have to say that it was you. The story would read so much better if you would do without the quote marks. Use the full name instead of their initials. You tell us their names, use them. By using the initials, it shows laziness to me. It takes just as much energy to type out their names (which are short) than to put the "M" all the time.
It would be great if you would give the reader some credit. Let them use their imagination on some things. Like sizes. I think your story would read so much easier if you took "you" out of the story and just let things happen to Jim and Mary. The reader does not care if it is a true story...
I am telling you these things because I have made the same mistakes. I will tell you like I have told other newbies...find a friend on the site - have them proof all your stories. They can see things that you can't...
You really do not need the introduction at the top. Let them read it and decide if they enjoy it or not. OH! Someone told me that the Loving Wives category leaves the harshest criticisms. You might try to resubmit your story with edits and put it in erotic couplings. Make sure you read the FAQ on how to submit a story with edits.
Good luck to you in your writing!
Geeky_lover
Experienced
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- Apr 13, 2008
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I have to agree with the "true story" comment earlier.
I like the story. It had a good mix of personal details and sex details.
Thanks.
PS, if you think turn about is fair play. I've posted my first story in April, too. The thread is here:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=588593
and the story itself:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=361335
petite34c
Literotica Guru
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The story may
suck but the photos should not........
http://img132.picfoco.com/thumb/1782830961.jpeg http://img129.picfoco.com/thumb/1911596142.jpeg http://img134.picfoco.com/thumb/411577339.jpeg http://img132.picfoco.com/thumb/1985556857.jpeg
http://img136.picfoco.com/thumb/1781880209.jpeg
Click on them to enlarge..........
suck but the photos should not........
http://img132.picfoco.com/thumb/1782830961.jpeg http://img129.picfoco.com/thumb/1911596142.jpeg http://img134.picfoco.com/thumb/411577339.jpeg http://img132.picfoco.com/thumb/1985556857.jpeg
http://img136.picfoco.com/thumb/1781880209.jpeg
Click on them to enlarge..........
JoshuaGlynn
Experienced
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- Nov 5, 2007
- Posts
- 83
I have to second everything above.
The one problem that keeps coming up is your paragraphs. Each paragraph should only contain one Idea. If you are moving on to another idea you should break for a new paragraph.
Also, try to avoid using numbers, go ahead and spell them out. This is more of a literary rule, but it is one of the signs of good writing.
Here is the way I would have edited that first big paragraph. Dose it flow better? is it easier to read? I would say yes and yes.
That second paragraph especially, I had to read it several times to get the point you were trying to make. I find that if I read my stories aloud, to myself, or have someone else read it back to me, I can find problems, that I can miss reading it in silence.
Happy writing
Joshua
The one problem that keeps coming up is your paragraphs. Each paragraph should only contain one Idea. If you are moving on to another idea you should break for a new paragraph.
Also, try to avoid using numbers, go ahead and spell them out. This is more of a literary rule, but it is one of the signs of good writing.
Here is the way I would have edited that first big paragraph. Dose it flow better? is it easier to read? I would say yes and yes.
That second paragraph especially, I had to read it several times to get the point you were trying to make. I find that if I read my stories aloud, to myself, or have someone else read it back to me, I can find problems, that I can miss reading it in silence.
Happy writing
Joshua
michchick98
Will write for chocolate!
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- Mar 25, 2007
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- 3,204
I have to say I agree with the others. I lost interest after the first paragraph when you described the people, right down to the size of her boobs. That aspect alone is usually a backclicker for me.
I tried to stick with it, but lost it after about the fourth paragraph when you kept using quotation marks when they weren't necessary.
And the length of paragraphs left my head spinning. When I've edited people in the past, I've told them to try to limit their paragraphs to no more than five lines in their word processing program. Those five lines will convert to roughly eight lines when the story posts on Lit. And even an eight line paragraph is pushing the boundaries.
Punctuation is your friend.
Show, don't tell.
Look in either the Editor's Forum or the Volunteer Editors page here for help with editing.
Not a complete wash for a first effort, but you can do so much better.
I tried to stick with it, but lost it after about the fourth paragraph when you kept using quotation marks when they weren't necessary.
And the length of paragraphs left my head spinning. When I've edited people in the past, I've told them to try to limit their paragraphs to no more than five lines in their word processing program. Those five lines will convert to roughly eight lines when the story posts on Lit. And even an eight line paragraph is pushing the boundaries.
Punctuation is your friend.
Show, don't tell.
Look in either the Editor's Forum or the Volunteer Editors page here for help with editing.
Not a complete wash for a first effort, but you can do so much better.
petite34c
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 13, 2008
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That why we asked for impute.........
http://img135.picfoco.com/thumb/345451088.jpeg http://img125.picfoco.com/thumb/536413395.jpeg http://img125.picfoco.com/thumb/846034696.jpeg
http://img135.picfoco.com/thumb/345451088.jpeg http://img125.picfoco.com/thumb/536413395.jpeg http://img125.picfoco.com/thumb/846034696.jpeg
Keroin
aKwatic
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- Jan 8, 2009
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- 8,154
Wow, I couldn't even make it through the first paragraph. Bad spelling, bad grammar, bad punctuation, no story to speak of.
I'm curious why you are Mary here and Laura on the BDSM forum, posting the exact same set of photos that have no relevance to the topic?
I smell spam.
I'm curious why you are Mary here and Laura on the BDSM forum, posting the exact same set of photos that have no relevance to the topic?
I smell spam.
driphoney
tittivator
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- Nov 10, 2008
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- 9,107
It's very tough as an amateur first time writer to put your stuff out there. This place is very much the school of hard knocks, so kudos to you for trying and for being willing to learn and willing to take the criticism.
If I were you, I'd make this place
http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml (scroll down to where it says, "Essays and How-To's")
my new best friend for a while. You'll learn a lot. I have to admit though, that while all the How To writing is warm and encouraging, there was so much to take in it really overwhelmed me. Even so, it's worth it.
This is one of my favorites, just to get you started:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=107347
As a matter of fact, looking through the list . . . think I need to head back to erotica school myself! I caught a few I missed before . . .
dh
If I were you, I'd make this place
http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml (scroll down to where it says, "Essays and How-To's")
my new best friend for a while. You'll learn a lot. I have to admit though, that while all the How To writing is warm and encouraging, there was so much to take in it really overwhelmed me. Even so, it's worth it.
This is one of my favorites, just to get you started:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=107347
As a matter of fact, looking through the list . . . think I need to head back to erotica school myself! I caught a few I missed before . . .
dh
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